


Speechless

by TwilightMaster15



Series: Mock Execution Fails [1]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Gen, Guilt, Kidnapping, Nightmares, Redemption, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, Therapy, Trauma, mute light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 48
Words: 98,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21765007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightMaster15/pseuds/TwilightMaster15
Summary: Nothing was supposed to go wrong. The false execution was to test Light and Misa of being Kira, it wasn't supposed to lead to this.After the incident, Light had not spoken a word, and was diagnosed with having been traumatized into silence.But L knew Light understood what a significant move that would be in their little game of cat and mouse, turning the task force against the detective, and them now firmly believing in Light's innocence. L was convinced Light was faking the whole thing, and he was going to prove it.The problem was how to make Light slip up and reveal himself, but L eventually comes to realize there may be more to Light's mental state than just a Kira Suspect and brilliant mind. But did he realize this too late to save Light from himself?Can they put their differences aside and work together to not only better and heal themselves, but the others connected to them who also suffer?
Relationships: Amane Misa & Yagami Light, L & Matsuda Touta, L & Yagami Light
Series: Mock Execution Fails [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646050
Comments: 94
Kudos: 329





	1. Chapter 1

"Light, my son, from one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell!"

Light attempted pleading one more time, "No, Dad!" 

L had to admit from where he was watching that Soichiro was doing a remarkable job of pretending he was going to shoot Light. He wasn't convinced Light was genuine here since he was very bright, but whether he was acting or not, L was the only member of the task force able to watch. Matsuda was off crying in a corner, seeing this as too heartbreaking.

The gun went off, but no bullet came out, as planned. Soichiro was still alive.

But something L noticed that he did not expect was for life to leave Light's eyes, and for emptiness to appear. He started shaking, and Soichiro leaned back in his seat,

"Thank goodness." L expected Light to ask for context. But he didn't. He remained silent, shaking a little and tears starting to fall. "Please, forgive me, you two. I know that was hard on you. But it was the only way I could get you out of prison. You must understand, I only agreed to do this because I believe in your innocence. Were you watching, Ryuzaki? I did exactly as you said, and as you can see, I am still alive."

L pressed the button to reply, "Yes, it was a convincing performance. If Amane is the second Kira, who only needs a face to kill them, there is no doubt she would have killed you before you had a chance to fire your weapon. Also, if Light were Kira, the Kira I know wouldn't hesitate to kill even his own father to save himself. With Light, in particular, I cannot rule out the possibility he may have seen through our act at some point. However, as we agreed, I will end their confinement immediately. And as we discussed, Amane will remain under surveillance until Kira is apprehended. As for your part in this agreement, Light, you and I will be together 24/7, and that's how we'll remain until we've brought Kira to justice."

At this point, everyone had noticed Light's strange silence, and L decided to point it out, "Light, are you okay?" No response. Light's eyes were wide, and he seemed to have made himself as small as possible. 

Misa turned to him, "Light?"

At this point, Soichiro was scared, shaking Light, only to have no response, "Light!"

"Bring him back here," L said, "It's possible what just transpired has him a little shellshocked."

Soichiro brought both suspects to the hotel but had to borderline carry Light, who wasn't responding at all. At this point, even L was a little worried, but the detective quickly shook it off, deducing Light was deciding to be petty and make everyone suffer, thinking he was in shock—even if he'd seen through it.

But after three hours of Light not responding to much of anything, not even Misa's loud prattle, L was starting to get worried again. Most of the task force had gone home, Soichiro was getting some water for Light, and Misa had finally gone to bed when Watari promised to give her any updates on Light.

"They're gone, Light. You don't need to pretend, especially since I've already seen through your act." Light didn't do anything more than twitch in response, and L wondered if maybe he'd fallen asleep since Matsuda had closed his eyes at some point.

Soichiro came back in, staring down at his child with guilt evident on his face, "I'm talking Light to the hospital. It's been hours, and he hasn't snapped out of it."

L groaned, knowing he had no choice but to go along. But maybe finally, Light would be exposed for pretending.

OoOoO

While he hated the _idea_ of being proven wrong—because it just didn't happen, so he didn't know the actual feeling—being _actually_ proven to be incorrect was horrible. He wondered how people dealt with that feeling every day.

Light, as it turned out, actually had gone into psychological shock. According to the nurse, whenever Light snapped out of it depending on how badly he had been affected. And seeing as he had believed he was about to die at his father's hand, Soichiro was terrified that Light might be like this forever. Since there were no scans he could see to prove it, L still wasn't convinced, but knew he would have to drop it or the chief might strangle him. 

Fortunately, it only took a day for Light to come out of that borderline catatonic state, even if he was still distant from everyone—especially his father.

Six weeks passed, and Light was still distant from everyone, and there was one thing that was irritating L to no end.

Ever since the incident, Light hadn't said a word. 

No matter how many times the doctor said this reaction was psychological, L still had a hard time believing that the unbreakable Light Yagami had become mute from trauma.

Currently, L was half listening as Soichiro gave them an update on what the psychologist had said this week about Light's condition.

"The official name the psychologist gave this condition is Psychogenic Mutism, apparently more common in children than teens and young adults, but it's not unheard of. Apparently," L heard an inflection in the chief's tone that said he was speaking directly to L about this. "While it might seem he is simply refusing to speak, he actually feels physically unable to speak, and forcing him to talk won't work."

L looked to where Light was working away on his computer, having just gotten back from the appointment. They hadn't gotten a lead in weeks, but Kira was still killing. 

"Light, you didn't put the handcuff back on." Light huffed, which was the closest to sound he made these days, just variations of sighing, but he didn't groan or laugh or scoff or _anything_. 

Ever since Light stopped talking, working with the task force had become increasingly difficult since they blamed him for the young man's loss of speech. But in L's defense, how could he have known _this_ would be how Light reacted? And he still felt Light was faking this whole traumatized into silence thing, he just needed a way to prove Light was actually fine, and the others would open up to the idea of Light being Kira if they realized he was able to keep up a facade for weeks. 

But still, Light didn't put the handcuff back on, instead walking in the direction of the bathroom.

 _Light is Kira,_ L pondered, _And he is clearly using his father's love and the task force's trust against me. As long as he doesn't speak, he will be seen as innocent and vulnerable. Therefore nobody would suspect him. He had a slight interest in human psychology if his classes said anything, so he would know this was a possible reaction. Unlike being catatonic, this is something he can keep up if he's careful._

_But I'm going to prove it, Light. Even if you aren't Kira at the moment, you are definitely faking this silence, and soon they will see that. You won't be able to keep this up for long._


	2. Chapter 2

After an hour of thinking over many possibilities, L came up with an idea to bug Light's clothing to listen for any words whatsoever, or he'd even take a chuckle at this point. But preferably words, since the healing process was supposed to be gradual, so laughter might be interpreted by the task force as the start of Light's recovery.

After bugging all the clothes, it was around midnight, and Light was crawling into bed. They shared a room, with two beds close but not touching, and even though he had been spared of the handcuffs while sleeping—just having cameras everywhere—Light was clearly not happy about it, but at least with him pretending to be mute, L didn't have to listen to complaints.

"Good night, Light. Sleep well." Light gestured for L to turn down the brightness on his computer.

Another reason L knew Light was faking was how fluent he was in sign language. His father said Light had known communication with his hands since he was a baby—having been taught so he could tell them when he was hungry and such—and had simply kept the skill, especially when Sayu came into the picture so he could try talking to her infant self. Still, it had only taken two weeks for Light to become completely fluent. 

This meant he must have prepared for a moment he could play the vulnerable and helpless card. After all, confinement had been his idea—even if he went back on that a week later, but Watari had suggested perhaps he hadn't thought he'd be in there so long, which _might_ be possible.

It was maybe an hour before L heard heavy breathing from Light. He turned and saw his suspect—and dare he say, friend, even if just a little—was soaked in sweat. A nightmare, he figured. Light had been having a few of those.

But then he realized this was perfect. If Light was ever going to slip up, it would be while asleep in the clutches of terror.

Now, if Light was genuine about being so severely traumatized that he was unable to speak, L would feel a little bad for that. But with how things had played out in Light's favor when the muteness began, and this just wasn't like the Light Yagami he knew, there was no higher than a 10% chance it was true.

Another hour of waiting with a voice recorder left L unsatisfied because Light wasn't mumbling or anything. Just heavy breathing, and his arms started flailing.

Light finally woke up when his flailing caused him to grab the cord of the lamp with enough force the glass part shattered upon impact with the table and sliced through Light's palm.

L called for Watari to help clean up the mess, and turned on a different lamp, "I'll take note of keeping glass lamps around you being a bad idea."

Light didn't reply, just walking into the bathroom with tears in his eyes. He went in there a lot in the last six weeks. L wanted to put cameras inside to see what Light could _possibly_ be doing for ten minutes every couple hours, but the task force put their foot down at that.

So instead, as Watari came to clean up the mess that Light made, L pressed himself against the bathroom door and was startled with what he heard.

Light was sobbing.

Sadly, he also couldn't use this against Light, since crying was _technically_ just involved breathing and expelling water from the eyes. And even if he did go to the task force, they would all start treating Light like he was made of glass, and disregard the evidence.

He heard the shower turn on, and realized as the crying was drowned out, that Light needed to treat that cut on his palm. He hadn't seen it all too well, but it was deep. 

He knocked on the door, and seconds later went in—no lock on this door, which was something Light had also hated—and froze at the sight he found,

In the shower, Light was crying with his knees pressed against his chest. But at least he was cleaning the cut on his hand and not just leaving it alone or making it worse.

Light noticed L's presence, and the immediate response was to give the detective the finger.

"Cursing? The godly Kira would stoop so low?" L asked, which did nothing to make Light anything other than pissed. 

**"You pervert!"** Light messaged through sign language, wincing a little at the cut in his hand as he did so, **"At least knock!"**

"I did knock, Light. I heard you crying and wanted to see if you were okay."

**"Bullshit."**

"Fine. But are you?" Light gave him a look that got the message across that he was sarcastically saying he was okay. "At least get out of the shower so Watari can wrap your hand."

**"Leave me alone."**

"You have five minutes before I come back in here." L left, and ran his hands through his hair, "Watari, how does he manage to keep up the facade of being mute, even when he's asleep."

Watari looked up from the broken glass, "Ryuzaki, why are you so convinced he's faking it?"

"Because a reaction like this isn't like Light. And he's Kira, and brilliant, so of course he knows that I can't do anything to him since naturally the task force will fight me in his defense. All he has to do is keep pretending to be traumatized, and everyone will see it impossible that he's killed so many—when he must know he would be executed for it—if he can't handle a near-death experience."

"Are you sure you're convinced he's lying because you don't want to confront the possibility that your plan broke him?"

L narrowed his eyes at his father-figure, "I'm never wrong. And you've seen the way Light was before..."

"Trauma changes people," was Watari's only response as Light came out, dressed, and started trying to wrap his injury on his own. "Let me, Light," Watari said, helping dress the wound. Light visibly recoiled, but the cut was still bleeding a bit, so he relented after a few moments, holding out his hand.

L wished that the cut had been on Light's dominant hand because then he would be unable to communicate without talking unless he was resistant to pain. And then maybe he would start making a "miraculous recovery." But then he realized that Light wouldn't let a cut stop his plan, and would find another way. 

Maybe Misa could get him to talk? If he left Light alone with his supposed girlfriend, who was the second Kira, perhaps they would start talking together since it was clear Misa did not understand sign language, so Light usually had to give her notes or text her. If Light passed notes or texted, L could find those messages and inspect them for any secret meaning.

He turned when he saw Light smacking his leg repeatedly as a substitute to clapping to get people's attention.

Light glared, **"I want a lock on the bathroom door."**

"Too bad. And how do I know you aren't doing Kira things in there? We can get a lock if I go in with you." 

Once again, he was flipped off. Light laid down in bed and put the pillow on his face as his way of saying he didn't want to communicate anymore.

Deciding he should at least try to get a half-hour of sleep, L got into bed, wishing Watari good night, and turned off the other lamp. He knew it was doubtful Light would actually go to sleep, so he decided to watch him some more.

But he couldn't get Watari's words out of his head. What would happen if Light was honest about this? Well, it would be one lucky coincidence on Light's part. However, it also meant that Light might regain his speech and pretend to still be mute once he realized how much to his advantage this was.

He found that even though he couldn't get Watari's words to leave him alone, he also couldn't even humor the possibility that Light really was broken. 

But maybe... he brightened as he got a plan, and told Light when he pretended to wake up—and it was apparent he had been acting since his breathing never evened out.

**"So you're allowing me to go into town with Misa. Alone. Without anybody watching us. What's the catch?"**

"This," L handed Light two notepads. Each sheet of paper had a letter on it, "You will give me every note you and she exchange. I will know if there's one missing. The only reason I'm willing to do this is that Misa doesn't know sign language, and your father has been very insistent that I listen to your therapist and give you a temporary reprieve. Don't think this will be a normal thing. I also have a tracker on your phone, so I will know where you are at all times."

Light crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow as though waiting for something along the lines of, "And I will be following you in a helicopter," and seemed confused when there was no such condition. Then again, he was also unaware of the listening device on his clothing.

**"Alright... I guess."**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason Light communicating with Misa is shown differently over communicating with L is because L knows sign language, while Misa has to spell out words.

Light nervously looked around the area they were in as Misa enjoyed her lunch. He didn't believe in the slightest that he and his fellow suspect-victim were being left alone.

But if it was true, Ryuzaki wanted to discover everything they talked about but didn't take into account Light had kept a printed copy of letters in sign language. He gave it to Misa so he could communicate with her without the notepads.

Contrary to what Ryuzaki might think, Light didn't _want_ to be mute. Hell, it was not very pleasant. But even if he did want to try getting better, it was because of Ryuzaki that he couldn't even put in the effort to try. Any recovery could be used against him, and his father had already proven he would trust L over his own son...

Misa looked over the letters as Light tried talking to her. She took out her phone and started typing, probably trying to spell out the words,

"A-R-E-Y-O-U-O-K?" Misa looked up, "I'm okay." But that was clearly a lie, and Light gave her a look. As annoying as she was, she was the only one he could trust, having gone through hell just like him. And she seemed to realize what he was asking, and she sighed, "I try not to think about that. It's...It's things like that which make me think Kira is a hero."

"O-H?"

Misa sighed, "My parents were killed...and that fake execution reminded me of that night. Kira avenged my parents, and the 'good guys' proved to be just as bad as those they supposedly fight against."

"I-A-G-R-E-E."

Misa looked up, "You do?" She brightened, "This is wonderful! We should run away right now! Maybe then we can work to help you speak again!"

"N-O. W-E-C-A-N-N-O-T-R-U-N. I-C-A-N-N-E-V-E-R-S-P-E-A-K-A-G-A-I-N."

"But why?" She asked, "Don't you want to get away from them? To be able to talk?"

"I-D-O. B-U-T-L-W-I-L-L-F-I-N-D-U-S. H-E-W-I-L-L-K-I-L-L-M-E-I-F-I-T-A-L-K."

"Oh, I get it," Misa realized as she spelled out the words for herself, "If you try to get better, Ryuzaki will use that against you." Light nodded, fighting back the tears in his eyes and hating how vulnerable he had become ever since the...incident. While he still had enough left of his dignity to not desire help, he literally couldn't get it even if he wanted to.

It was painful, how the man he had looked up to his whole life betrayed him. Whether his father "believed in his innocence" or not, it didn't change the fact he had shown the love of justice over family, not just this time. It had been a sort of motto his father had that until recently, Light had adopted. Now he didn't know what justice was anymore when the rich and famous could get away with murder, yet an innocent can be shot in the head for a damn test.

From what he had gathered from his therapist, the reason his body had reacted with muteness was that nobody was listening to him during the incident, so he subconsciously decided, "Well, if nobody's gonna listen, why bother talking?" And the first step to recovery would be people listening to him, but as long as he was Ryuzaki's suspect, that would never happen.

Misa seemed to notice his mood darkening, and placed a hand on his, "Light, we're both innocent. If Ryuzaki is really as smart as the task force says he is; eventually, he will have to realize he was wrong about us. I know you've had a harder time than I have when it comes to this, but..." she brightened, "Maybe we can make a secret language, so we can talk together without Ryuzaki being able to eavesdrop. I want to help you, but would rather my conversations with my boyfriend be private."

Light nodded, not having the heart right now to point out that he didn't love her. She was all he had, the only one he could trust. And he could always work it down to friends. So he just smiled a little in response, looking absently down at the cut on his palm. The rush of adrenaline when he'd gotten it had ripped him out of his nightmare—and for that, he was thankful. But now, he couldn't use both hands to communicate, meaning it would take longer to get even a simple sentence out, and he'd be left with nobody except Misa taking the time to listen.

But the idea of a secret language between them sounded interesting. The problem was how to make one without using any paper.

He looked down and saw a message from his father that it was time to head back. Light sighed, not wanting to leave when he finally had a shot at freedom. And at that moment, he made a decision.

Grabbing Misa's hand, he ran out of the exit, in the opposite direction of the building. Even if Ryuzaki was going to catch them later, going back willingly would not change the Kira percentage in any way. If he wanted to try recovering and regaining his ability to speak, he needed to escape the root of the problem.

"Light!" He heard his father call minutes later, but Light wasn't ready to give up now, seeing an abandoned warehouse and running inside, hiding in a crate with Misa. "Light, what are you doing? Ryuzaki is just going to suspect you more!"

_It doesn't matter. Ryuzaki raises my Kira percentage for the smallest things, such as being a little triumphant if I find a lead. What's he gonna do? Have my father actually shoot me?_

His eyes widened at the idea, and how he could think it so casually. He didn't want to die at all, but he also realized at that moment he no longer wanted to live either. There was simply no point anymore.

L had ruined his life, but at the same time also taught him the valuable truth that his father would kill him for justice, even with little to no evidence.

Which was why he'd rather hide in this small crate with Misa than get back in that car with his father. Now he knew how people in horror movies felt, hiding from a murderer.

Misa was clinging to him, shaking in terror. She was just as afraid as he was. Light knew running had been a terrible idea, but he simply couldn't bring himself to care. He wanted to go home to his Mom and Sayu, who he hadn't seen in months. Did they even know he was mute now?

His stomach tightened painfully when he heard footsteps coming closer to the crates, and pleaded to whatever god was out there for nobody to find them in this crate.

He decided that god could go to hell when his father opened the crate.

Misa screeched at the top of her lungs, giving Light the chance to kick his father in the face and gesture for Misa to go left while he went right—his father couldn't catch them both—and broke into a sprint out of the warehouse. His heart fell a little when, of course, his father chose to chase him.

"Light! Get back here!"

This didn't stop Light as he went to take one more sharp turn, and his father would lose him. But his hope was dashed when he was tackled by his father roughly, and he felt his face run against the ground. He dully noted that it was going to be a nasty road rash later. 

Placing a hand on his face, he saw the blood already welling up. He found himself mesmerized by the physical proof of his suffering. The last thing he thought was what the hell was wrong with him...

OoOoO

When Light woke up, he was handcuffed to his bed in the task force headquarters. The left side of his face and part of his left arm hurt badly.

He sighed as he realized his father had caught him, and now Ryuzaki was never going to let him see sunlight again.

"He's awake!" He dully heard Matsuda say excitedly, and the entire task force ran over to him, and his father held his hand—the one with the cut on his palm, which reopened said wound. Honestly, with all the injuries he had, he was almost excited to go to therapy. Maybe his therapist would call child protective services.

"Light, what were you thinking?" His father asked. Most would probably hear love and concern, but Light only heard anger and was trying to get out of his father's grip. Memories of being unable to move his arms while stuck in a car with a gun pointed at his head came to mind, and he started flailing like mad, only to realize the road rash was worse than he'd initially thought, and moving either hand was painful. This was horrible, because even though he was ambidextrous, now he was stuck being barely able to move either hand.

He didn't realize he was hyperventilating until Matsuda grabbed his shoulders,

"Light, we're not going to hurt you, and we know you're innocent. Why'd you run?" 

Unable to answer the question, Light just fought harder to get out of handcuffs, quickly spiraling into a panic attack.

"Is Light awake?" They all turned and saw Ryuzaki ask. Aizawa nodded,

"Yeah, and he doesn't seem too happy about it." Ryuzaki pushed past and looked a frantic Light in the eye,

...

"That stunt you pulled has increased your chances of being Kira by 20%."

L expected Light to get mad. Or, hopefully, start yelling because now both of his hands were damaged, so he couldn't communicate otherwise. But he almost recoiled when he saw the emptiness and _despair_ in his prime suspect's eyes.

It was a kind of pain L had seen before, but every time he saw it, pleaded he would never see again. That was the look of a man who wished that when he went to sleep, he wouldn't wake up. A man who had no reason to live. 

That wasn't Light Yagami, but there was also no faking that hopeless look. L knew that better than anyone. If Light was capable of mimicking _that_ , he deserved more than an Oscar.

And for some reason, he felt knots in his stomach as he walked away, the image of Light with those eyes was glued into his brain.

He went to Misa, who he had captured earlier. She was once again in a straitjacket, but unlike Light, she had a fire in her eyes.

"What kind of hero are you if you lock up innocents just because you don't want to be wrong?!" She snapped, "Light can't even get better with you around! If I was the second Kira, I would have killed you by now!"

"I know that, Amane." L replied, "And I am no hero. Solving cases is my hobby, but if you judge good and evil, I am guilty of many crimes. But I know you and Light were Kira and the second Kira, even if you somehow lost your memories of it. But I also had means of listening to your conversation earlier, and how you didn't use the notepads. What did Light say to you? From what I heard, it sounds like you both are Kira supporters." He also had this recorded to show the task force. 

Misa looked away, "For me, Kira is a hero for avenging my parents. For Light, we didn't talk much about it, but if I had to guess, he sees Kira as less bad, since _you_ are the one who destroyed his trust in his family and prevent him from even trying to get better."

"And how do I prevent him from recovering?" 

"Light didn't explain that. Even if he did, why would I possibly tell you? You're the one keeping me in a straitjacket because neither of us could put up with you anymore!"

"Other than cameras, you, Amane, have returned to your normal life."

"But I still see Light suffering. I know how close he used to be to his father, and now he can't be in the same room as him for longer than a half-hour."

L pondered this. Was that the reason for Light's constant bathroom breaks? That he wasn't able to be in the same room as his father... it was a theory worth testing.

He released Misa from the straitjacket, "Go back to your room. I'll permit Light to see you eventually." Watari guided Misa to her room, and L listened to the audio again.

_Why wasn't he talking when it was just him and Misa? Did he know I was listening or was he just keeping in character at all times?_

_That look in his eyes... if that is real, the chances of him being honest about his trauma-induced mutism jumps up to 30%. I need to test out the theory with his father because then I will be able to get a better idea of what I'm dealing with._

_Light would never run the way he did, meaning it was most likely a spontaneous decision on his part. But his father was the one to send the message... if it had been Matsuda or someone else, would Light have still made a break for it?_

_There's only one way to find out._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This gets dark. Trigger warning for self-harm.

Five days after the failed runaway attempt, both of Light's hands were bandaged, rendering him unable to communicate. L had noticed the emptiness in Light's eyes had increased, and it was no secret. Misa had started coming up uninvited to at least let Light know she was here for him, but he was unable to respond and seemed to be sinking deeper into himself.

Since he was unable to help in the investigation, he spent his time reading in the corner. It didn't take a genius to see he was miserable right now. 

So L, being stubborn and refusing to lose to Light, decided now was the perfect time to test the theory of Light's tolerance around his father.

"Mr. Yagami, can you and Light go get some papers off the printer on the second floor? The one up here is busted, and Watari's out getting the part to fix it."

"Sure." Soichiro went to help Light, who shrunk down and walked into the elevator, unaware of his mistake.

L waited for a moment before forcefully shutting off the elevator between floors and keeping the doors shut. It would take an hour for the elevator to activate again, and this was the perfect time to watch through the cameras. 

...

Light heard the elevator come to a halt and instantly realized this was somehow Ryuzaki's doing. Why? He had no idea, but there was no way such a high tech elevator could break.

Frantically, he started pushing the open-door button, trying to get out as fast as possible. He knew his father had a gun on him. Was this it? Had Ryuzaki decided that he was Kira, and now his father was going to finish him off for sure? He already knew he had developed Hoplophobia—fear of firearms—and that just made his current situation even worse.

 _Come on, stupid door! Open up—OW!_ He looked down and saw his road-rash covered hand was not enjoying the sudden and forced motion. But somewhere in the deepest, darkest parts of his mind, he felt his mind clear at the pain, and it felt sickeningly _good_. And it was even more satisfying to feel that pain as he continued to press the button because he was in control of it. If he wanted to, he could make it happen.

His father was not so pleased with that and grabbed his arm, "Light, you're going to hurt yourself."

_"Light, my son, from one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell!"_

Light moved away quickly, trying to gain as much distance from his father as he possibly could, and tried to pretend it was just claustrophobia and not the fact he was dead terrified of his own father.

_He has a gun, he's gonna kill me. I'm going to die. Not now, please, Ryuzaki, not like this, please don't—_

He jolted when he felt his father's hands on his shoulders,

"Breathe, Light, we're going to get out of here. I'm going to count to ten, and I want you to take a deep breath." He did so, and Light tried to follow, only to feel his body heating up painfully, and then he threw up, which landed his face right next to the gun at his father's hip, and he started hyperventilating once again, trembling to the point he couldn't stop it.

And now his father was shouting, trying to get through to him, but Light couldn't tell him anything. If he could, he would have screamed, "Get away from me!" but he couldn't, and now he was here, stuck in a little elevator thinking he was going to die, and all because saying no to Ryuzaki about getting those papers could increase his Kira percentage.

...

L watched through the camera, observing Light as he spiraled deeper into hysteria. Even as the task force demanded that this was enough, there was no way they could prove L had caused this. He was genuinely unable to stop it for another 55 minutes since there was an hour worth of shutdown after the emergency system had been activated. He had expected Light to be calm for a half-hour, but he was on a downward spiral almost instantly.

L then realized how badly he'd fucked up because Soichiro had a gun on his person at the time. There was no way of knowing if Light was afraid of his father as a person or the weapon. Seeing how quickly the panic attack had started, he assumed the firearm was the reason.

"Is there any way to reach them?" Matsuda asked worriedly, "Like a secret hatch on the ceiling part that we could reach if we open the elevator door up here."

"No, don't be stupid." L replied, "There used to be elevators like that, but it was changed years ago since the safest place you can be in a situation like this is inside the elevator."

"Judging by Light's behavior," Mogi pointed out, "He doesn't feel very safe."

"Correct. The most likely options are claustrophobia, Hoplophobia, or Light's just afraid of his own father."

"Afraid of the chief?" Matsuda asked, "But Light's not a criminal, so he has no reason to be afraid."

Aizawa sighed, "Yeah, but with Ryuzaki treating him like one and the events of the fake execution, I honestly wouldn't blame Light if he is afraid. That doesn't change how wrong it is that someone, not even an adult yet, is so scared of the one who loves him more than anything."

"Well, there's no way to get them out for another 54 minutes," L said simply, "So let's hope Light gets over this."

Only Light didn't. After hyperventilating for a couple more minutes, he grew very still and suddenly fell limp. 

"Light!" Soichiro shook him, "Light, wake up!" 

"Did he just pass out?" Mogi asked, and L started calling an ambulance to be on standby. Not because he was _worried_ about Light, but rather to expose what he was pretty sure Light was about to pull. 

Sure enough, Light started convulsing moments later. It was rare, but people could have seizures from hyperventilation, but it was more likely the lack of sleep that caused this, since Light was scoring bags under his eyes—not as severe as L's own, but there was no denying them. 

Somewhere in the back on his mind, he feared Light was genuine. Maybe that was why he actually called for an ambulance instead of just waiting for Watari.

If Light was faking this, he was actively trying to kill his father, who seemed on the brink of having a heart attack. Soichiro appeared unsure of what to do when it was his child flopping around like a fish.

Eventually, he placed Light on his side and waited impatiently for the spell to be over. 

Fortunately, it was over within ninety seconds. Light came out of his state, and L decided they didn't need that ambulance, so he called back and said there was no more need for standby.

...

Light didn't know what had just happened, just that one moment he was curled in a ball with his knees pulled up to his chest, trying not to cry, or show any weakness, and now he was lying on the ground, confused. The only thing he knew right now was his brain screaming at him that he was in danger.

It took him a hot minute to remember where he was and why he should be afraid. But when he remembered, he tried to scramble up, only to be forced to sit down.

He didn't know what happened, but he also couldn't ask. Even if he could, he wouldn't because that would initiate conversation.

"You had a seizure," his father said after a moment, "Do you know your name?" Light nodded in response, thankful his father had seemed to take the hint that the problem lay with him, so he was a short distance away.

No matter how understandable his reasons were, Light still hated himself for being so afraid of his father. He was supposed to be the golden child, perfect, resilient, brilliant, the son that any father would wish was theirs. 

But here he was, a shaking mess on the ground, unable to speak, scared of his father, and couldn't contribute to the case until his hands healed because he was so weak that he _couldn't_ _talk_. And now he'd even had a panic attack induced seizure. How pathetic.

All he wanted was to control something in his life. For four months now, he had been a prisoner, treated by L—someone he formerly admired—as though he was the scum of the earth. Nobody except Misa believed him that he needed help, even if they pretended for the sake of the investigation. 

And so, this time when he cried, it was for the person he used to be, who wouldn't cower and would make it clear he didn't put up with this. What had happened to that man? Oh right, he died when the gun went off, leaving the pathetic remains of Light Yagami.

Did his father know the boy he used to call "son" had died? And the shell was teetering dangerously on the edge of the abyss, wishing to have his life back.

He thought back to how he'd felt, controlling the pain in his hands as he pressed that button. And he knew for sure he was going mental. Once they were out of this elevator, he'd stop thinking like this.

He didn't know how long he had been in here since he hadn't checked the time when he entered. It was a long time, he felt, but for him, being in a confined space with someone who had previously harmed him, who had a gun, the seconds felt like years.

Every now and then, his father would ask him if he was okay, but he just shrunk down, even more, biting his lip painfully to stop himself from crying anymore.

Finally, the elevator started moving again, and they were on the ground floor. His father helped Light stand,

"I'm taking you to the doctor to make sure you're okay."

_No, no, no, that means a trip in the car, please no._

He backed up, shaking his head firmly. With his therapy appointments, it was only a block away, so he could walk. The clinic was two miles away and, therefore, meant a trip in the car, which was another major trigger for his PTSD.

_Don't you dare start crying, Light. You're better than this. It's just your Dad, he w-won't hurt you._

_Pathetic. You don't cry. Keep it all in like everyone else does. It's not like being vulnerable will convince L of your innocence._

Light clenched his fist, gasping a little as pain shot up his arm...

And he liked it.

OoOoO

After returning from the clinic, and Light was given the clear, they returned to the task force headquarters.

But L noticed that emptiness in Light's eyes had only gotten exponentially worse.

 _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea_. L realized as Light walked past him, not bothering to acknowledge his presence or put the handcuff back on, walking past him to head upstairs to their room. He usually would give Light a hard time about not helping, but both his hands were injured, he'd just had a seizure—the look on Soichiro's face told him that had been real—and looked emotionally drained. So he decided to simply check the cameras at all times. If Light wasn't taking a nap, he'd go up here and drag Light back down.

He groaned a little when Light went straight into the bathroom when he was alone.

...

Light sat on the bathroom floor, holding a sharpened pencil in his hand, still unable to believe he was actually about to try this. Was his desperation for a way to relieve his pain, and desire for a little control really driving him to this?

He pulled up his sleeve, the one free of road rash, and held the sharp pencil against his skin. He had no plans to use a knife because that was too far and too risky. A pencil would do. This way, any marks would fade within an hour.

He ran the pencil firmly against the skin on his forearm, marveling at the relief he felt as the angry red line formed.

Then he felt disgusted with himself for liking it. No, this was insane. There was no way in hell that he was a self-harmer. This wasn't who he was supposed to be...

But did it matter? He was never going to have his life back, was probably going to be executed wrongfully by the end of the year, so it didn't matter who he was supposed to be if all anyone would see was Kira. 

Nobody would find out if he had a little _trick_ to calm him down. Even if they did, nobody except Misa cared enough to bother trying to help. If the task force did find out, L would brush it off as him trying another tactic to get them off his back. And it wasn't like he was putting himself in any danger here. It was just a pencil, no more.

Convincing himself that this was okay, he ran the pencil down his forearm again.


	5. Chapter 5

A week passed, and Light was sitting with Misa on her floor, but Ryuzaki was here too. The only bright side was Light's hands had healed enough that he could use sign language again. 

The downside was he needed three or four uses of the pencil per panic attack. Those happened multiple times in a day, so his daily use of the pencil was fifteen or so, and then eight or nine at night to relieve the stress of his life. His mind told him he couldn't keep up with this, or eventually, the pencil wouldn't be enough anymore, but the damn writing tool was the only form of relief he had.

"Man, this is the lamest date I've ever been on," Misa muttered, trying to annoy Ryuzaki into leaving.

Ryuzaki looked up, "No, no, pretend I'm not even here. By the way, are you going to eat that piece of cake?"

Misa looked at him, then at a clearly suffering Light. She turned back to Ryuzaki, glared, and started eating the cake to spite him. 

**"What's wrong with you?"** Light asked through sign language, not really caring but also dully curious, **"I thought moving here was meant to help us catch Kira, but all you've done is make my life a living hell, and seem unmotivated to catch the real Kira."**

"Not motivated? You're right. Actually, I'm depressed."

 _He's depressed?_ HE'S _DEPRESSED?! Haha! No. No way he's depressed. I bet he doesn't even know what depression is, or how his actions have been sparking it in me. You have no idea of pain, Ryuzaki, until you're crying your eyes out in a bathroom, unable to stand to be in the same room as your own father, feeling as though you're insane and ungrateful just because you're feeling hopeless. All because a goddamn pencil is the only thing that can save you from the dark abyss._

He wanted to scream this, but instead, he replied with, **"Depressed? What for?"**

"Truthfully, all this time, I thought that you were Kira, and my entire case hindered on that fact. I guess I can't get past the fact that my deduction was wrong. Although, having said that, I'm still suspicious of you. That's why we're wearing these," he held up the handcuffs, "And we also know that Kira can control people's actions, so it's likely that Kira was controlling your actions so I would suspect you. If I assume both you and Misa were being controlled by him, then everything we've observed so far makes a lot more sense to me. It would also explain why the confident Light Yagami I knew is gone, and now you have panic attacks frequently, even if you try to hide it by locking yourself in the bathroom—you were always like this at least to a degree, am I wrong?"

Light pondered this. Sure, he might have been controlled, but that didn't change the fact he wasn't now, and Ryuzaki still treated him like a murderer. And he felt he would remember behind a mass killer, **"If that's what you think, Misa and I were both Kira during the time we were being controlled."**

"Yes, I don't think I could have been wrong about that. The two of you are Kira. When your confinement began, you were Kira, and it helps support that theory that the killings stopped. But two weeks later, criminals are dying again, and you are almost a completely different person. This means that Kira's power can transfer between people."

"Meaning it's impossible to catch Kira," Misa replied, crossing her arms, "It also means that we aren't Kira, and as such, you have no right to keep us here like this."

"Oh, but Misa, I do." Ryuzaki replied, "I may not have enough evidence to prove it, but for all I know, this is all an elaborate trick to convince me you two aren't Kira. Which means I can keep you here as long as I need. But this whole passing powers thing is why I'm so overwhelmed because even if we catch one Kira, they might lose their powers and all memory of their crimes. In the end, pursuing them becomes futile."

 **"But we have no way of knowing that's the case,"** Light replied, and Misa nodded. It was impressive how involved she had become in the case when she realized that the sooner it was solved, the sooner Light might be able to get help and be able to speak again.

"From where I stand," she said, "It looks like you're just coming up with crazy theories to convince yourself that you're right, even when you're clearly wrong!"

"No, I am never wrong."

"Yeah, well, you insisting Light's faking about needing help, preventing him from getting some seems pretty wrong to me." She snapped, and Light gave her a gesture not to rile Ryuzaki up.

 **"Just cheer up,"** Light messaged, even though Ryuzaki's claim of being depressed made him want to strangle the detective. But what if L really was depressed, but just showed it differently? That was the only reason he wasn't calling out the bullshit.

"Cheer up? No, sorry, I can't do that. It's probably better if I stop trying so hard. By chasing Kira so desperately, we're just putting our lives at risk for nothing. It's just a waste of time."

There were so many things that Light wanted to say right now, and he hated being unable to scream in Ryuzaki's face.

_How dare you? How dare you ruin my life and destroy my will to live, only to decide after the fact that this is all just a waste of time? You may be able to move on from this case like it's nothing, but I won't. Because of you, L, I may be stuck as a depressed mute teenager forever, and you're okay with just giving up? No way in hell. I'm going to catch the real Kira, clear my name, and rub it in your face, Ryuzaki. Maybe then you will realize just how much damage you've caused to all the other innocents you've gotten involved and me._

So he settled on punching Ryuzaki in the face, which sent him tumbling to the ground.

"You know, that really hurt."

**"That's enough. You don't feel like doing anything just because your 'genius' deduction was wrong, and I'm not Kira!"**

"Fine. Perhaps I phrased that the wrong way. I'm saying it would be pointless for us to make a move, so why even bother—"

 **"If we don't chase Kira, he'll never be caught! Is that what you want?! If you were just going to give up, why did you involve all those innocent people?! More importantly, what was the point of putting Misa and me behind bars and torturing us?!"** Once he was done with his rant, he grabbed Ryuzaki by the collar and shook him,

"I understand. But still, whatever the reason," he spun and kicked Light square in the jaw, "An eye for an eye, my friend."

Oddly enough, the word "friend" was what drove Light into full bloodlust, grabbing Ryuzaki and wrapping the chain that connected them around his neck, very quickly starting to choke him out. But Ryuzaki realized that something had changed, and now Light was going straight for the kill. He managed to get free and glared,

"It's not my deduction that was wrong. The fact is, I can say Light Yagami is Kira and faking this silence. And Misa Amane is the second Kira. Light's bloodlust right now only proves that. But that won't be enough to solve the case, and that's why I'm a little depressed. Is that so unreasonable?"

"Yes, it is!" Misa was the one to say, seeing Light's eyes had gone wide as he realized he really had wanted to kill Ryuzaki, which made him no better than Kira, "You should hear yourself, you won't be satisfied unless we are Kira!"

"I won't be satisfied unless you two are Kira? Well, there may be some truth to that. In fact, now that you mention it, you're right. I think I wanted you to be Kira."

It was Misa this time who lunged at Ryuzaki, kicking him in the face with her high heel, "Take that! And you can't hit a girl!" 

Just then, the phone rang. Ryuzaki went to pick it up, then sighed as he hung up, "Matsuda's acting stupid again."

Misa bent down beside Light, pulling out full-on steel bolt cutters and snapping the handcuffs, "Come on," she glared at Ryuzaki, "I think it's best we avoid each other for now."

"Yes, I believe that would be wise. I'll simply go watch the cameras," Misa growled in response, and Light gave Ryuzaki a dirty look.

When they were 'alone,' Misa's glare became a smirk as she used the secret language they had started developing in the corner of the main room while the others worked on the case—and therefore weren't looking. 

"Are you okay?" Misa asked, and Light shrugged,

 **"I've been better. My jaw hurts a bit. I have to admit, it was kind of hot watching you kick Ryuzaki in the face."** Even if he wasn't romantically attracted to her, he couldn't deny that. 

"You think so? I'd do anything if it meant you could get better, Light, even if it means killing Ryuzaki."

Light hesitated. On the one hand, morals said killing Ryuzaki was a bad thing. On the other hand, _he_ had just tried to kill Ryuzaki, and the detective's death would solve a lot of his problems, and maybe he could start learning to speak again.

**"If it comes down to it."**

It was moments like this he was glad to have a secret language with Misa because Ryuzaki would be unaware they were low-key plotting his murder.

OoOoO

Researching more on the case, Light noticed an unusual amount of heart attack deaths of businessmen. Not the nicest of people, but certainly not criminals Kira would take notice of.

He tugged on the chain, dragging Ryuzaki over to him, pointing out what he had found.

Aizawa came over, "What is it?" Light wrote down his response,

**"It seems Kira is part of the business world, possibly trying to get promoted."**

"But why would killing get you promoted?" Matsuda asked, unaware of how business worked.

**"If the company increases revenue, more promotions will be available. From what I've found, Yotsuba is the only company unaffected by this, and it shows in the revenue."**

"So, we should start investigating Yotsuba?" His father asked, and Light nodded tensely, praying this was a real lead. If he was right, they were one step closer to capturing Kira. If he was wrong...

He felt his arm twitch in longing for the pencil at the idea of what would happen if he was wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

Light lay on the bathroom floor, pondering what had happened today. The NPA had decided they would no longer pursue Kira, so Matsuda, his father, and Mogi quit the police, while Aizawa left the task force. As much as Light wanted to catch Kira, he also longed to have had that choice just for the sake of having it.

The pencil didn't seem like enough today, so Light decided to try out a kitchen knife. Not overly sharp, but sharper than a pencil.

He didn't press hard enough for the skin to split open and blood to spill out, just enough to cause the angry red lines and tiny droplets of blood formed. He hated how good this felt and how he had evolved in his cutting. It was only a matter of time before he really was using scissors or bigger knives to get the job done. And honestly... he was scared that he would spiral that badly.

He didn't want to die, but if it came down to it, he would rather die on his own terms than being executed or murdered by his father.

Light was careful to not go too deep, trying to postpone the inevitable need to step it up. He winced a little bit when his salty tears hit the cuts, but that didn't stop him from making a final mark. 

...

L laid on the bed, waiting for Light to get out of the bathroom. Aizawa's words rang through his head, and he subconsciously placed a hand to the bruises on his neck, made by Light trying to kill him.

At this point, he knew Light was honest about what he was going through, and he was trying to convince himself it wasn't true. Suspect or not, Light had grown on him and had become his close friend. It was hard to imagine that maybe he had broken Light to the point he was dying inside.

But he wasn't ready to apologize. A part of his brain was still positive that this was all a complicated plan of Light's to lower his guard and awaken sympathy. But then he had seen that slight spark of life in Light's empty eyes when L had said he was depressed. It was anger. 

In the technical sense, L was depressed. But that anger from Light made him fear that maybe Light was depressed and couldn't believe someone who tormented him was also suffering—if on a small scale.

Light came out, and L instantly noticed he seemed calmer than he had when he entered. He sighed,

"Light, do I always need to have the last word?" Light was unsurprisingly silent, so he had to turn to see the shrug and response,

**"Never thought about it. But that sounds right."**

L sighed, sitting up and eating some cake, "I noticed you've started preferring your right hand. You also bite your lip frequently before going to the bathroom—which seems to be a nervous tick for you—and then are almost always completely calm."

**"It's nothing. I need time to myself."**

L frowned and moved to sit on Light's bed, "Were you crying?" he asked with more concern than he'd intended, tilting his head and gazing into Light's soulless eyes.

His lip quivered once, and Light turned on his stomach, burying his head into his pillow and refusing to look at L. **"No,"** he messaged, the whimper heard through the pillow betraying him.

"Don't lie to me, Light."

But at that point, Light was already asleep, having probably taken those pills he had asked for a while back.

L watched Light, deciding to pull up a chair and observe him, gently brushing Light's hair away from his skin.

Though the detective dozed, every time Light moved in the slightest, he was awake again, checking him over. He didn't know why he was doing this, possibly to prevent the destruction of more lamps, but something had been screaming at him in the back of his mind, and for the life of him, he couldn't place it. So here he was, trying to find out.

At some point, Light rolled over and slid his arms up under the pillow, tugging his long-sleeved shirt up to his arms. L looked up with a slight pout that immediately was replaced with cold hard anguish.

He took a deep breath and lifted a trembling hand, brushing it tenderly over the very fresh cuts that had worked their way onto Light's forearm, where they wouldn't be seen because of his daily wardrobe covering his arms. The detective turned his gaze back towards the sleeping boy and swallowed, biting his thumb in an attempt to calm himself or hide a scream.

Light subconsciously moved his hand out from under the pillow, making the cuts quite visible. L choked back a sob before climbing into his own bed and watch Light all night long.

...

When Light woke up in the morning, he was baffled to find Ryuzaki staring at him from his bed, with wide charcoal grey eyes. And for a moment, he just laid in bed, staring back at him. Finally, though, he got up and poked Ryuzaki awake since it was unclear if he was sleeping with his eyes open or not, an eyebrow raised and a smile plastered on his face.

 **"Wake up, we need to work on the case,"** Light messaged, tugging his sleeve back down where it belonged.

L fidgeted for a moment, twitching as he tried to remember where he was, and then his eyes became comically wide, and he flung himself at Light's neck, startling the boy enough to make his heart skip a beat.

**"What's wrong?"**

L pulled away from Light and stared up at him with... tear-filled eyes, and his gaze darted to his cloth-covered forearm and back so fast that Light would have missed it if he hadn't been paying attention.

He winced, glancing away and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Please," Ryuzaki whispered, his voice shaking in a way that was very unlike his monotone voice. Light looked back at him anxiously, and Ryuzaki shuddered. "Please don't. It's not worth it."

He flinched and ducked his head, twisting his hands in his nightshirt and biting his lip. He swallowed hard and spread his hands in his lap.

 **"Don't tell them. I know you only think I... because I'm trying to get you off my back or whatever, but just drop it. I won't reveal anything, and neither will you."** He got up and went into the bathroom and proceeded to freak out at the notion that Ryuzaki knew. He hadn't been careful, and now his Kira percentage was bound to go up all the percents until L was positive he was Kira and he was going to die.

Taking out the knife, he pushed in deeper than he would have customarily dared, needing the feeling of relief in the face of his oncoming demise.

OoOoO

For the rest of the day, L found himself unable to focus. All he could think about was those cuts on Light's arm and how realizing someone knew made it worse.

In truth, L hated these types of cases more than anything else. Killing someone was horrible, but the idea of killing yourself seemed so much worse. He remembered a time long ago when he was in Light's shoes...

He shook that thought off. Best not to think about that now.

He pondered the possibilities over 5%. If he did anything or told the task force, Light might get worse, mainly because his father wouldn't leave him alone. 

But maybe Light was faking it? Even if he wasn't Kira, he had proven with his silence that he would go pretty far to get people off his back. His brain clung to that idea, less out of knowing it was right, and more about pleading it was.

Maybe Light needed to see his therapist more? If he was faking, he would get exposed, but if he wasn't, he might get the help he needs subtly.

L then paled—which, considering how pale he already was, was a bit weird—as he wondered if Kira was still controlling Light. They knew Kira could control actions before they die... what if he was commanding Light to get worse until...

And if he was the original Kira, not controlled, what if he had a plan to get his powers back, and this trauma was real and a severe hiccup?

L turned to look at Light, who was working away, searching for anything on Yotsuba and the deaths that helped the company. And then he faced the chief, who was going through employee records with Mogi. Matsuda brought back the coffee.

If the former chief knew the truth about what his son had been doing to himself, he would obviously be devastated. And in a sense, Light was wise to keep quiet about his little... hobby, because the last thing they needed was Soichiro dying of a heart attack, being unsure if Kira did it or not, and Light blaming himself either way.

Did Misa know Light was doing this? She had shown a different side of her in recent weeks, so it wasn't impossible that her knowing about Light's self-harm was what motivated her to help.

He mentally kicked himself for not worrying about this sooner. It wasn't like Light was hiding his depression all too well. 

L nodded to himself as he made a choice. Light was going to get help, whether he was faking or not. He thanked his own psychology degrees because this way, he didn't need to worry about finding a therapist who understood sign language—the struggle of his current therapist.

"Light, I've decided I'm going to be your therapist. I have several psychology degrees, so I am qualified."

"What?" Soichiro asked, "Ryuzaki, are you sure that's—"

"It's quite irritating for me to not be able to hold true on 24/7 surveillance for Light, and him continually leaving is quite a setback. So I will be his therapist, with an hour every other day."

...

Light looked at him in horror. Ryuzaki as his...

_This isn't gonna be good._


	7. Chapter 7

Light and Ryuzaki sat awkwardly in their shared room. Ryuzaki was holding a clipboard, and Light was fidgeting rigidly on the couch. Of all the people, why did it have to be Ryuzaki?

They sat like this for about fifteen minutes before Ryuzaki looked up,

"Have you tried using a rubber band instead of that pencil I've noticed you have an abnormal attachment to? Or maybe freezing an orange peel and putting it in your mouth."

Light didn't reply, not planning on getting treated—read, interrogated—by L on his mental state. He was probably trying to find anything he could use as evidence to prove the Kira theory.

Ever since Ryuzaki learned his secret—and the fact he found out during the night heavily implied the detective had been watching him sleep and that was all levels of wrong—he had become even more reclusive, fearing who had been told. He was also waiting for news he was Kira and about to be executed.

Just thinking about it made his hand subconsciously go to his neck because the Japan Death Penalty was hanging.

He had actually done research on it, and mock executions such as the one to befall him were not as uncommon as he would have liked to believe. It was a procedure that had long been established as a means of psychological torture, but it still happened. The method not only terrifies people but made them feel tortured hope should the time come for their real execution. They lose all control, even the power of knowing when they are about to be killed.

And he had read countless articles about how Death Row inmates were treated. It made him feel even worse about himself with how suffocated he felt in this building when those prisoners only had cells the size of parking spaces and sometimes had their execution delayed for years, and violated human rights. The worst part was that, especially in Japan, people were guilty until proven otherwise. So many Death Row Inmates were later proven innocent, often too late to save them or their minds.

This was the life Light would lead if he gave Ryuzaki anything he could work with. But then again, not giving the detective anything might make things worse as well. 

He wasn't sure if he quite counted for having the Death Row Syndrome he had read about in his hours of research into why he was so messed up by this whole situation, but he was smart enough to know his mental state was deteriorating.

He pondered this a little. Maybe Kira wasn't so evil... after all, many of his 'victims' were Death Row Inmates. And frankly, dying instantly of a heart attack at random sounded much more pleasant than waiting years and going mad in awful conditions. Perhaps Kira was actually a mercy. 

And for the first time, Light found himself wishing Kira would finish him off. Zero mental preparation, just dead in seconds. Sounded alarmingly nice.

What if they had this all wrong? What if Kira was only killing criminals whose treatment counted as crimes against humanity? If they were going to die anyway, might as well make it quick. And it would still send a message to the rest of the world.

Of course, that was the original Kira. The second Kira was okay with killing innocents, and this new Kira—the MO was different, so he feared there was a new one, not that he'd told Ryuzaki—was just killing any criminal.

Ryuzaki stared at him before placing some cake in front of him, "You've been staring at the cake for two minutes."

Light was brought from his musings by that and noticed he was indeed hungry. Hesitantly, he ate some cake. He usually wouldn't, but maybe eating something would get Ryuzaki off his back.

The idea of needing to get Ryuzaki to leave him alone brought him to his thoughts on potential oncoming demise. Within five minutes, he realized this dessert wasn't going to stay down and ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time to unload the contents of his stomach.

When he was done, he tried to calm himself down, because Ryuzaki couldn't know the hidden location of the knife, and if he shut the door now, Ryuzaki would know he was trying to cut and would realize the knife was in here and—

"Light!" he jolted when he felt Ryuzaki's hands on his shoulders, "Don't freak out on me right now. What is going on with you?"

Something inside Light suddenly snapped. He didn't think it was anything in particular, but something had made him lose that last fragment of hope he had been clinging to. He didn't feel like doing anything, no longer had any motivation. No matter how much evidence said otherwise, L would always see him as Kira and only Kira, so why bother trying?

He had never experienced anything like this before. This was a whole new level of numbness but, at the same time, endless despair. A voice in the back of his head said cutting would make it better, and he made a note to try that when he could—but he then remembered Ryuzaki knew the truth and would probably follow him into the bathroom from now on.

Everything seemed to go into a trance, like a movie he couldn't stop. At some point, the "therapy interrogation" ended, and he went back to working on the case, not paying attention to what he was doing. He didn't desire anything but to make the pain and fear go away.

If someone had asked him his name, he wasn't sure he would be able to answer.

OoOoO

Light seemed... distant. Ever since his breakdown in the bathroom. L could tell Light had been wanting to cut, meaning that he probably had a new weapon hidden somewhere in there.

He growled a little bit as he realized that genuine worry for Light was preventing him from focusing on this Yotsuba lead. Why was this happening? He didn't want Light to distance himself to the point he found more comfort in whatever his new weapon was than with other people—and since Light wouldn't let him see the cuts again, he couldn't get a feel for what the tool was. But he feared it was the lid of the soap bottle, because how do you confiscate that?

When Light went to the bathroom—no weapons on him, thankfully, unless he had somehow snuck something into that one too—L took Light's personal computer, which he was only allowed to have in places with lots of cameras. L hadn't looked too in-depth in Light's search history since it seemed to be just articles, and he could tell enough from footage that it had nothing to do with criminals.

But when he looked at the articles, his eyes widened as he realized they did have to do with criminals, but the only names were those long dead, with the most recent being a year before Kira's first appearance.

L had never overthought the execution process, and it was a little disturbing to him that Light was. But then again, Kira was going to be executed, so it made sense.

He remembered earlier when Light had held a hand to his throat, eyes wide in terror. Had he been trying to speak, or had he been thinking about being hanged?

As he kept researching, he frowned as he wondered about the justice system, and he also started to gain new insight into Light's problems. Light had been explicitly researching Death Row Syndrome, which was an indicator of inhumane treatment... including being the victim of mock execution.

_Oh no..._

The very process that was meant to save people from unjust execution was so painful that it caused those people to seek their own execution. That was what L was reading on right now. And he had a hard time believing anyone deserved to be tortured _after_ the penalty had been decided. Have them executed by the end of the week if the plan was to treat them like this.

As he became engrossed in the articles, he didn't notice Soichiro look over his shoulder, or Light come out of the bathroom and realize in a panic that someone else was on his computer.

According to the articles and research, isolation was a significant factor in this phenomenon of mental illness. It was also while researching that L realized he had basically had Light in a Death Row cell for fifty days, so he did technically have the isolation factor.

Did Light really have a mild case of Death Row Syndrome? Maybe not because muteness had not been a stated symptom, but it gave L a better idea of what he was dealing with here. The problem was there was nobody alive who had gotten through it in any other way besides being executed.

Even if this was the case—though he hoped fervently that it was not—he couldn't do anything about it besides treating Light's condition for the trauma and self-harm. But at least now he had possible insight into Light's mental state.

He was brought from his thoughts by the sound of his own computer turning on, and Watari speaking, 

"Ryuzaki, I have just received an emergency signal from Matsuda's belt."

"Ah great," he muttered, wondering what that idiot had done this time, "Where is he?"

"It seems to be coming from the head office of the Yotsuba group."

_Damnit, Matsuda, I said an hour ago that none of us would do anything stupid and take matters into our own hands!_

"Okay, all of you ignore what I said an hour ago. Matsuda, you idiot!" He gently poked Light with his spoon, "Light, snap out of it, Matsuda's trying to be helpful."

Light looked up, still not all-there, but seemed a little more grounded to what was really going on around him than he had been a moment ago.

**"That's not good."**

"No, it really isn't." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Death Row Syndrome is a real thing. Random psychology facts you probably didn't want to know.


	8. Chapter 8

As Ryuzaki thought of a plan to get that idiot Matsuda out of the mess he got himself into, he started looking for new ways to make himself believe that Light was researching Death Row Syndrome to mimic it. 

But no, if that was the case, Light would have gone all out with the dramatic delusions or even that one case of a guy drawing on the wall with feces—though he had a hard time believing anything could make Light go _that_ far, because Light still had at least some of his pride, and wouldn't stoop that low in any circumstance.

But with the delusions, if Light was faking the rest of this, pretending to have borderline schizophrenic breakdowns would be extremely easy.

So L found himself reluctantly deciding that he would somewhat believe Light about this whole trauma thing. 

OoOoO

Thankfully, they got Matsuda out of that mess alive—well, kinda dead. Still, it worked out anyway, and now the young former officer had narrowed the suspects to eight people... or seven, seeing as there were only seven people there, and it was just confirmed one had died.

At least Aiber being Eraldo Coil was working remarkably well.

Light was writing very fervently on a notepad, and held up for L to see,

**"Call one of them! We might be able to postpone the deaths they're planning by saying L knows what's going on. We also could figure out which one is Kira! What they've been describing is exactly as we've suspected, so this way, we can see how much influence they really have over Kira."**

"Hm... that's not a bad idea, Light. But which one to pick."

**"Namikawa? He seems to be the least involved but has the most influence."**

"Alright." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Light visibly brighten, gleeful at someone listening to him. L smiled a bit as he made tha call. Fortunately, Namikawa didn't seem to be Kira. But at least now they had a potential mole.

"So now we arrest them before the deaths can happen, right?" Soichiro asked, and L noticed he had a hand supportively on Light's shoulder. For a split second, Light didn't seem too happy about it, but he was able to quickly put up and maintain a poker face before anyone except his detective companion realized it.

"No," L replied, "We need to see if any of these men actually have influence in Kira's choices of when to kill. If they do, it is almost a guarantee one of them is Kira, but we don't want to rush. If we were to take action now, everything we've done would go to waste. We now have a month supposedly. To catch Kira, we need some solid proof." He looked to Light, "You really are quite amazing, Light. That plan of yours is exactly like something I would do, and you thought of it quicker than I did."

Light then stared at him, brown eyes meeting dark grey, no words or movement between them. But L knew what Light was asking with his eyes,

**"After I have helped you even at the cost of my own mind, and showed I am dedicated to solving this case, do you honestly think me capable of being a murderer? Kira? Do I seem like that kind of person to you?"**

L didn't have a response to that. Lately, he had been beginning to doubt that Light was Kira. If he had been, he certainly wasn't right now. But technically, yes, he could see Light as Kira.

Thankfully, Light hadn't used sign language or wrote anything down. So L had an excuse for not replying. Light sighed and got back to work.

"Not anymore, Light." He said honestly, "Maybe I thought so once, but not right now." He got up, tugging on the handcuffs a little, "Do you want to go see Misa?"

Light nodded a little, following him to Misa's floor. She brightened when she saw him,

"Light! I didn't know we were supposed to have a—" she saw L, "Oh, right, I should have known."

"Misa," L sat next to her, "How would you like to be useful in the investigation?"

"Will it help you get off Light's back?"

"Yes." He turned to her, "If we catch Kira, I will have no reason to keep Light chained to me."

"Alright then," he noticed Misa was looking at Light's wrists. Did she know? But it didn't matter at the moment as he explained the plan. Light was clearly against it, but he didn't say anything—well, duh.

"I promise I won't tell them anything!" Misa said to Light, who did not look the slightest bit on board with this plan, "Even if they torture me!"

L nodded, "Yes, I can attest to that."

**"What the fuck, Ryuzaki."**

"It's true, though. Misa loves you more than anything in the world, and she will always care for you," to those without context, he was stating facts, but what L was actually saying was this:

"There are people who care about you, Light. If you can't talk to me or your father, at least let Misa help you."

Light sighed, and then he started communicating with Misa, but the sign language he was using made no sense at all. 

It took all of three seconds to realize Light had made a secret language with Misa because she was replying to him with similar gestures.

He kicked himself when his instinct was to call Light out on this and point out that it made him look more suspicious. Light looked like he had been slapped, while Misa hit L in response,

"Light... I'm sure he didn't mean it," Misa said, but the damage had been done. Light grabbed the bolt cutters from Misa's drawer and cut the handcuffs, running off. 

"Light, wait!" L called, but Light was already upstairs. He rushed to follow him to make sure he didn't do anything rash, but Misa grabbed his arm,

"Where are you going? No, you and I are going to talk." She sat him down, "I'm not an idiot, Ryuzaki! Light's fading, and at this rate, we'll lose him before this case is solved."

"Do you know about how he copes?" He asked this, and Misa sighed,

"If you mean that, then I suspected, and you just c-confirmed it. However, you and your suffocating nature prevents me from confronting him about it because I only get ten minutes a day tops, and by the time I ease him into that talk, it's time for him to leave. You need to take a good look in the mirror and reassess your treatment of him before he's _gone_!" She was crying, yet still enraged, "I can't bear to live in a world without Light, and I know there are others who would agree with me. So when you go upstairs, you're going to go upstairs and apologize. If I hear you accusing him again, you're going to _wish_ Kira gets you."

"I understand," and he meant it. But he had never been wrong before, so not accusing Light was going to be strange, and being lectured by Misa of all people was quite insulting to his IQ.

Still, he went upstairs and saw Light was once again in the bathroom.

"Light..." he knocked on the door, "I'm sorry, okay? I was just surprised that you and Misa had a new language, and I reacted on instinct. I've started to see that you...probably aren't Kira."

No response.

"Light?" He tried to listen in for any sound and froze when he didn't hear anything. But the door was locked, since the chief had forced them to get one for the sake of Light's privacy and no risk of being walked in on, so Light was probably in there, "Light, you're unnerving me. Can you at least let me know you're...not hurt?"

At this point, L was actually afraid. He pulled out the pistol he had in a secret safe in his nightstand that Light didn't know about, and shot the doorknob, running in.

What he saw scared the hell out of him.


	9. Chapter 9

The first thing he saw was the blood, and how it was spilling out of Light's arm, while the teen in question was likely unconscious—only reason L knew he was still alive was the fact he could see a slight rise and fall of the chest. There was a kitchen knife in his other hand.

L instantly ran to his desk and thanked his paranoia, having prepared for a situation like this, and grabbed a tourniquet from the drawer, locking it onto Light's bicep in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Light could have only been in this state for two minutes tops, thankfully not quite long enough to bleed out, but he would still need blood transfusions with the amount he had already lost, which was pooling on the tile floor and staining L's jeans as he bent down to make sure Light wasn't about to die.

He had barely processed that Light was dying from self-inflicted wounds when the task force ran in. They had probably heard the gunshot.

"Light!" Soichiro ran in, not hesitating to hold his blood-soaked child close, shaking him, "Light, wake up!"

Light, fortunately, did open his eyes a little. L noticed he seemed scared. Looking at the cut—which ran down from the crook of his elbow to his wrist, was noticeably deeper in some areas than others. He came to the conclusion this hadn't been a _suicide_ attempt, instead a cutting session gone wrong by crying accidentally leading to him cutting too deep.

Matsuda went to call the hospital, but L had already called for Watari,

"Watari will get here faster than an ambulance. We already have all the supplies we need to treat him here. Mr. Yagami, keep Light awake."

...

Soichiro remembered the first time he had ever held Light. How he had been overwhelmed by the amount of love he felt for the small baby in his arms and knew that Light was special. Even though Light had only been a couple minutes old, and hadn't shown a personality yet, he knew Light was going to change the world and that he couldn't ask for a better son.

_"I love you, Light. You're going to change the world, and I'm going to keep you safe. Nobody is going to harm you while I'm around."_

But this time holding Light was so much different, seeing that boy he had seen grow up, dying from self-inflicted wounds. He was terrified right now, and heartbroken that Light had been suffering so much that he took more comfort in a blade than his own father.

He looked down and saw Light was trying to tell him something with his good hand.

**"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go this far."**

It was clear such a short message had drained him, and Soichiro shook Light desperately when he started closing his eyes.

"Light, come on, stay awake. I-I should have stood up for you more, come on, Light, I'll make things right, just stay with me!"

The tourniquet was the only reason Light wasn't dead right now, but it didn't stop him from passing out. The task force had never seen Soichiro cry before, so this was a shock.

"Don't just stand there, Ryuzaki!" Matsuda screeched, trying to use a fan to rouse Light, "Help us out!"

"I don't know what to do!" Everyone froze at the stammer and how his voice had gone up an octave. He was just as scared as them and was grabbing at straws for an answer.

If this wasn't his son who had been found in a pool of his own blood, Soichiro would be glad that something could spark emotion in the otherwise soulless young man.

...

Fear was something L hadn't felt in a while. But while he had deduced that there was a chance Light would cut too deep, he hadn't emotionally prepared himself to have it actually happen.

Watari came in with the equipment a few moments later, and Light was changed out of his bloody shirt into a short-sleeved nightshirt instead.

While L had seen the cuts before, it still caused uncomfortable knots in his stomach to view them all.

Light seemed to only attack his arms, but some marks were either going to or already had scarred. None were as deep as the one causing the problem right now, but the depth of some was still bad, while others were just red lines.

Of all the synonyms for 'bad,' that one word was the only one L would let himself use to describe this. Because he didn't want to show too much emotion right now.

Soichiro had no problem showing emotion right now, tears spilling over as he watched Watari doing everything he could to help Light. They all cringed when stitches were needed, and none of them could look away from the needle going in and out of Light's flesh.

After a few minutes that felt like an eternity, Watari looked up, "If he lasts the night, he should pull through."

"T-Thank you, Watari," Soichiro said, and Watari went to get something. Then the former chief sent L a death glare, "Leave me with him. I'm calling Sachiko and Sayu, telling them what's happened, and you can't stop me."

"I...I wasn't planning on stopping you." L then left, a little surprised by how submissive he had suddenly become.

He went to tell Misa, but his legs gave out under him. From the pain in his chest, he momentarily feared Kira had come to finish him off. But then his thin body grew wracked with sobs—a strange and foreign feeling.

He flinched when he felt Watari holding him, humming a melody that would always calm him down when he was little,

"L, he's going to be okay, it's not too late to make things right."

"B-But, how can I?" He looked at his adopted father with big watery eyes, because Watari was the only one allowed to see his vulnerable side.

"Trust is a delicate thing. Remember that Light is a human being, not just a suspect or a brilliant mind. Am I right to assume you think to accuse him is fine because if he is Kira, he would know it's true as well and as such not be hurt by it?" L nodded a little, and Watari sighed, "He needs a friend, not a detective companion. Trust him, and remember he has feelings."

"But will he ever trust me?"

"We'll see, L. We'll see."

OoOoO

When L went to check on Light, he saw Soichiro and Sachiko standing off in the corner, with her crying into his chest. Sayu was holding Light's uninjured hand, crying, and also singing quietly to her sleeping brother,

_"We all need a hero_

_Somebody to help us to be brave_

_We all need a hero_

_And causes lost to save_

_We all need a hero_

_Believing that deep inside_

_We'll find there is some kind of hero, too._

_Like the one I found in you..."_

"Any change?" He asked, looking on Light's paler-than-normal face.

Soichiro shook his head, "No change. Watari says he will wake up in his own time, and I suppose it's only been twelve hours since the incident, but he still hasn't..."

L smiled a little, sighing, "Misa found out which of the seven members is Kira... It's Higuchi."

"What?" Soichiro brightened, "That means we need to catch him!"

"Yes. I wanted to ask for Light's thoughts on a plan of mine. And I feel he would like to see Kira caught. We also must learn how he kills."

Sayu looked up, "This means onii-chan is innocent, right?" L forced a smile for the young girl to hide the guilt weighing him down and making him hunch even more than usual.

"Hearing Higuchi's confession, it does stand to reason that Light is innocent."

In truth, the fact that there had been a second Kira meant that nothing was for sure. But if Light had been Kira, he wasn't anymore, and the look of pure joy on the family's faces brought a genuine smile to his face. And he could still keep an eye on Light just in case, but he was more worried about Light's mental state than the idea of him being a mass murderer in his spare time.

_Maybe you suspected the wrong Yagami—shut up, brain! I'm trying to act normal, don't you understand?_

He tried to make friendly conversation with Sayu—mostly so Mr. Yagami wouldn't kick him out—and found himself gaining a newfound appreciation for Light and how brilliant he was. Someone he didn't have to lower himself to talk to. If things had been different, maybe they could have been friends.

After a half-hour of talking, listening to Sayu telling stories about Light and how he was the best big brother, L saw Soichiro smiling a bit—but he also seemed surprised, probably because this was a relatively normal conversation about Light instead of an interrogation.

Just then, they all turned when they heard coughing coming from Light...

And watched him open his eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

When Light woke up, the first thing he saw was Ryuzaki's worried face, followed by having his neck crushed by Sayu.

"Light! You scared me!" Sayu said, careful to not reopen the stitches in his arm. It was then that Light noticed the stitches, and realized in horror that he was wearing short sleeves, and both of his parents were here.

He looked at his arm and the stitches. He'd really screwed up this time. Now they knew, and he would never be allowed to be alone again. He hadn't been _trying_ to kill himself, but he was undoubtedly less careful than usual. Though the idea of dying on his own terms sounded lovely, instead of letting someone else hold power to kill him at any time.

He didn't realize his parents were holding him in a tight family group hug until be broke down. He hated how vulnerable he was.

"Light, my son..."

_"From one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell!"_

Light jolted back, falling out of bed, eyes wide as he was backed into a corner.

**"GET AWAY FROM ME!"**

"Light..." Sayu came up to him slowly, "You're innocent, it got confirmed while you were sleeping. Nobody's going to hurt you."

_Confirmed innocent? There is no way. Ryuzaki would never..._

Ryuzaki nodded, "She's right. Misa got a confession out of Higuchi."

_No way. We've already deduced that multiple people can have Kira's power. Therefore there is no way Ryuzaki doesn't suspect me._

_Yes! This is just an act he's putting on for the task force and my family._

_I'll show you, L, I'm not Kira. But if you decide I still am, I'll just die at my own hand before you can torment me further._

He looked back to his arm as pain shot through it. What a lovely feeling when he chose it.

"We're all here for you, Light," his mother assured with a sad smile, "We're all going to get through this together."

Light plastered on a small smile.

OoOoO

Light was still confined to bed for the next couple days, and Ryuzaki acted as his therapist—only he acted more like an actual therapist. If he didn't know better, Light would think he actually wasn't a suspect anymore.

He was not a fan of the medications his parents insisted he take. They all either made him feel dizzy or nauseous. All of them were mood-altering drugs, and he did not like the feeling. 

Ryuzaki had been acting differently, too. Yet, he looked the same as he always did, from his intense, coal-rimmed eyes to the posture he held—the one that would make a chiropractor most likely pass out in horror—to the way he curled up in his chair to the way his ebony hair fell across his bleached face...

Ryuzaki gave a little introverted smile and sipped at his coffee, holding it in that precarious fingertip fashion. He watched Ryuzaki look up at the ceiling, knowing he was processing his answers in that mechanical way of his.

He then noticed Ryuzaki was only picking at his cake, unlike usually eating it. 

**"I really think you should eat something else from time to time, you know."**

Ryuzaki looked up, "Such as what, Light?"

 **"Here."** Light thought it best to demonstrate and reached for the fruit bowl next to his bed, brought to him alongside a vase of flowers from Misa, taking up a gleaming apple and offering it.

He watched L stare at the apple, becoming bewildered as the detective's thumb made its way to his mouth, and a smile materialized around it. There was an oddly happy little glint that had sparked in his black eyes at the offered apple, and it made Light uneasy.

 **"What?"** He asked warily, drawing his arm back slightly. **"What's wrong with it? It's just an apple."**

As quickly as it appeared, that happy look turned normal as Ryuzaki reached for the apple, making the chain clink against the table's surface; he took it from Light's hand by the stem, holding it the way he did everything else so that it dangled in front of his face. It was very red, almost glowing, and Light actually didn't like the way it looked against L's near-white complexion.

"L, do you know," the detective breathed in a soft voice, "Gods of Death love apples?"

 **"Oh, come on!"** Light snapped, slamming his fist on his thigh. **"I knew it! You haven't changed! You've deduced that I'm Kira because I gave you an apple?"**

L lowered the fruit a little so that he could see Light over it.

"No. I came up with an idea. If Higuchi has a Shinigami with him that grants him the power like that note implies, could we possibly lure the creature away with apples?"

While that answer made Light relax, he also didn't believe that was what Ryuzaki had been smiling about.

**"That might work, but there's also a high chance it wouldn't."**

"True. But that would make things much easier." He went back to his clipboard, "Well, we should probably get back to your issues instead of the case before your father comes in here screaming bloody murder since I know he's watching this through the cameras right now."

That got a small smile out of Light. He was physically unable to laugh, but he probably would have chuckled if he could.

"Alright... it seems the constant accusations may have been a factor in your self-harm, am I right?" He looked up, "That was just my reasoning, Light. Please don't be offended."

He bit into the apple, and maybe it was just Ryuzaki's snow-white skin and ebony-black hair, but Light didn't have a hard time at all wondering, just for a moment, if the fruit was poisoned.

Incidentally, Ryuzaki didn't keel off his chair; he simply ate the apple in small, efficient bites, watching Light intently all the while, waiting for a response.

Light could practically hear the percentages racking up in Ryuzaki's head; it was getting to a point where Light got the feeling that if he ever saw Ryuzaki forming a noose from the ceiling, it wouldn't be for himself.

Once again, a hand to his throat and he paled. Even if he got out of this alive, he was pretty sure he would have a fear of ropes or rope-like things for a long time—alongside the fear of guns and being in the back of cars and having his hands behind his back and his father.

 **"Ryuzaki,"** Light messaged patiently, **"Have you ever considered, even once, how awful it is to be constantly assailed with allegations that you're a mass murderer?"**

"Yes, I have considered it once." L chewed a juicy bite of apple thoughtfully. "You asked me this question before, do you remember? I replied that it felt terrible."

**"Then why do you keep doing it to me, when you know what it feels like?"**

"Because I suspected you of being Kira, so I assumed you would only see it as irritation and not actually hurtful." Ryuzaki's gaze was point-blank, as was his tone. "Additionally, I might point out that you did not object to any and all surveillance arrangements, supposedly to clear you of suspicion altogether. But it must have occurred to you that if you were chained to me because I suspected you of being Kira, then it only follows that I would question you as such."

**"Of course, I know that! It's not what you do, Ryuzaki; it's the way you do it."**

"How do you mean?"

 **"It's just, sometimes…"** Light paused, not sure whether it was crossing the line to tell Ryuzaki exactly how he felt. But Ryuzaki never spared his feelings, did he? That was a big part of the whole problem. **"Sometimes it just feels like you're getting way too much of a kick out of all this. It's like you think it's a game or something…"**

"I am not allowed to enjoy my work?" L asked innocently, licking at the apple core.

 **"Ryuzaki!"** Light stared at him. **"Taking pleasure in accusing someone of murder… It's not something you should enjoy."**

"Who says I do?"

 **"Ryuzaki, this is ridiculous,"** he seethed, **"These… accusations, if you can even call them that, can't be getting you anywhere as far as your investigation into me is concerned."**

"Individually, no," L admitted, "If you wish, I can lay my cards out, and tell you what my plan before now had been. The accusations aided my cross-examination of you and your behavior and your thought process because they put increasing pressure on you. That may sound unethical, and perhaps it is, but eventually, Light, it would reach a point where you would either snap under the force I placed on you and give yourself away as Kira and faking your silence, or… the innocence you proclaim will become apparent, and I will be forced to truthfully and satisfactorily conclude that you are indeed not Kira, and the latter is what happened, but I wish it hadn't happened the way it did."

 **"Frankly,"** Light replied stiffly, **"I hate some your methods."**

"You are not the only one, I assure you." L eased himself out of his chair, standing up. "Do you want anything to eat?"

Light drained his water, brushed away a stray strand of hair that had fallen across his eyes, straightened his sweater, stood up, fought back vertigo from the medication, and then made it apparent he was ready to go.

"Light, I can get you something, you still need to rest."

 **"No, I think I've rested plenty."** He had to lean on the wall for balance because he was momentarily seeing double, getting a good look at the layers of bandages on his arm. Part of him wanted to tear it off and just stare at the mistake that had landed in him being treated like glass by his family and allowed more subtle interrogation by Ryuzaki—even if part of him wondered if the detective genuinely wanted to help. But what would have caused such a drastic change?

 _"Well, you seem to have almost bled to death,"_ came an unwelcome in the back of his head.

Subtlety was the name of the game for both of them. The silent jabs in casual conversation were regularly being lobbed between them, and only the two of them could see it for what it really was. Few were intelligent enough to decipher the tacit yet profound ongoing battle of wits. Though it was harder since Light's use of sign language made this much more difficult.

Sure, Light Yagami and Ryuzaki were supposed to be friends, and, despite the "I suspect you of being a mass murderer" thing, and the competitive rivalry, Light assumed they were, at least by criteria. At times it seemed like a barely-there friendship because Light hated the way Ryuzaki treated him much of the time and hated to be controlled by the oddball detective and hated to be called a liar by him; and L, well… he just didn't have any conception of friendship at all and wasn't likely to grasp the basics of it anytime soon, either.

Right now, in fact, Light found himself wondering how the hell he put up with this guy 24/7 since although they were friends, they weren't really… _friends_. L frankly didn't have any friends, never having the opportunity or motivation to even attempt socializing. And if Light was honest, he didn't either—at least no one that he considered on his own level. With L, their intelligence, skills at tennis, and, most importantly, the Kira investigation had been enough to spark an interest in each other so much they could each consider the other a true friend. 

But what it came down to was that while Ryuzaki seemed eager for Light's friendship, he was just too good at making the younger man back away warily, and did nothing to earn Light's trust at all. Light wasn't sure L even really understood what a friend actually was, even though he was lax in throwing the word about.

Truthfully, Light wanted to be L's friend, _really_ be his friend, but, to his dismay…

…Found that hating and fearing him was much easier.


	11. Chapter 11

After working with Light slowly to form a plan to capture Higuchi, L decided they had to be careful because they didn't yet know how Kira killed. Much like a Ken Burns documentary, they didn't want to rush. 

L suggested they use death row criminals as a resource—the best tool, people who are gonna die anyway—just in case they need someone to got against Higuchi directly, and seeing how those prisoners are treated, Light almost agreed. Wedy and Aiber were already going to help with the capture, and Soichiro didn't want any more criminals involved in this.

So now, Matsuda was the sacrifice for this plan to work. Everyone was worried but knew bringing Kira to justice was the right thing to do.

Light watched, and L noticed there was a sparkle in his eye that hadn't been there since...

Since the Light Yagami that he knew had died.

 _"No, Dad!"_ The final desperate words of a boy with that sparkle in his eyes.

Maybe when Higuchi was brought to justice, that sparkle would be here to stay, and he would start to recover.

Now, L would be lying if he said he had no doubt about Light. But that was the Light he used to be, not the shattered mess before him now.

And even if this was all a plan to prove his innocence and then become Kira again, that newfound fear of execution would likely stop him permanently.

Light frowned a little when Higuchi started talking to someone called Rem. Misa seemed to perk up a little at that name, almost as though she recognized it, but maybe she was just weirded out because there was nobody else in that car.

L looked to the two and saw Misa was holding Light's hand, and he wasn't objecting at all. A pang of jealousy let itself be known, not that he allowed it to show.

"Come on, Light. I think it's time we join in." Misa jumped up,

"I'm going too! I want to see this." Light visibly brightened at the idea, and L almost couldn't bring himself to refuse.

 _Almost_. 

"There's no room in the helicopter." He sat her down and chained her up in a chair, taking Light's hand and leading him to the roof, so he didn't pay attention to the chain connecting them. The handcuffs were no longer for a Kira suspect, but rather to make sure he had to accompany Light everywhere, and he didn't try to take advantage of L's rare moment of sleep and attack himself.

It had been scary, three nights ago, when Light had a mental breakdown from _another_ failed medication and was looking for anything to injure himself to relieve the emotional pain. Nothing had been able to get through to him in that panicked state. If L had to guess, he had been dreaming about being executed, and combined with another antidepressant and its side effects, caused him to momentarily snap.

Light sat down in the helicopter, putting on the ear protection. Watari had a sniper gun ready. L would offer Light a firearm in self-defense but didn't want to risk Light losing himself.

Landing in front of Higuchi was oddly satisfying, and it would probably look awesome if this was an action movie or an anime.

Light turned to L, **"It's over."**

"Yes, it is."

They both turned when they heard Soichiro scream, talking about seeing a monster. Mogi then elaborated with only those who touched the notebook being able to see it.

When L touched it, he was honestly shocked to see a Shinigami. Hundreds of thoughts ran through his head until suddenly he didn't have the notebook anymore.

Light screamed.

...

Light had grabbed the notebook from Ryuzaki, curious about what a Shinigami looked like.

Instead, he was flooded with countless memories of being Kira and who he used to be.

But he didn't instantly revert into who he used to be, because he had been badly damaged, so it wasn't going to be a clean transition, especially knowing Ryuzaki had been right all along about who he was. Now he was probably going to die before bettering the world.

And now, a broken man, Light shattered.

...

L watched Light scream for a moment before Light collapsed and started seizing, refusing to let go of the notebook even in this state.

"Light!" No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't pry the notebook out of Light's hands. And the fact he had screamed at all was a sign because screaming the way he did was another thing he hadn't been able to do since the silence began.

Why was he so affected by the notebook? Was he really formerly Kira, and he was regaining his memories? Why would it be painful?

Watari helped him move Light out of the seat and into the back of the helicopter, moving anything he could hurt himself on, and let him writhe as needed, hoping this would pass.

When the seizing did finally stop, Light remained immobile, clinging to the notebook like no tomorrow. Even the combined efforts of L and Watari couldn't pry it from his hands. 

Was the Death Note trying to corrupt Light? Did it destroy the mind of damaged people? Was this just another side effect of his meds, and the reaction is a correlation and not causation? That one was doubtful, but he could hope.

He called to Soichiro through the headset, "Mr. Yagami, something has happened to Light."

That had the former chief running to the helicopter, likely fearing Light was trying to harm himself.

 _Light, please be okay._ A silent plea from those who saw what had happened.

OoOoO

Higuchi's execution was the next day. Nothing fancy, just a quick hanging. It was clear he was Kira, and L would have much rather get the execution over with instead of waiting fifteen years.

Light, thankfully, had let go of the notebook. But L was worried because he had only let go when Higuchi was dead and had started to writhe again.

"What's going on with him?" Matsuda asked Rem, who looked down at Light—who was panting weakly.

"I cannot say for certain, for I have never seen this before. If I had to guess, the Death Note's power is attempting to corrupt him, but something is making the transition much more difficult."

...

Rem honestly was just as confused as the task force. Had something happened? This wasn't supposed to happen. He had clung to the notebook, so clearly he had some attachment to it.

She wasn't exactly worried about Light, rather concerned about what could be causing such a reaction, and if something like that had befallen Misa.

...

"Does that mean Light and—well, I guess Kira, are battling for control of his body?" Aizawa asked, and Rem shrugged,

"I suppose that's a possibility. From what I'm observing, it would be logical to conclude he is at war with himself. When he does wake, I doubt the fight will be over. For as little as I know about the situation, I can assure you it's probably not going to be pretty."

L sighed, "Sadly, I don't doubt that." 

_What could be causing this? If this is considered abnormal, then it's not just mental damage. Unless of course, Light was Kira and touching the notebook made him regain his memories, except now his mind couldn't handle those memories, and it caused him to break,_

_But the question remains now. Who will win? Light or Kira?_


	12. Chapter 12

For days, waiting for Light to wake up, the task force stayed by his side. It had been widely accepted among them that, while they didn't know why this was different, Light needed all the support he could get while locked in a battle for his mind.

Matsuda was basically Light's personal cheerleader alongside Misa, while the others mostly sat in silence, occasionally murmuring words of encouragement.

L sat on the windowsill, watching the city below. He was 99% sure now that Light was _formerly_ Kira. But the boy who had been tormented for months and traumatized into silence was not Kira. He had hope that, even with his memories back, Light would also remember his fear. That way, Kira would never return, and L would have no reason to send him to the gallows.

But the question was how to know which one won. Would Kira also be burdened by the inability to speak?

In truth, with Light's mental state, he was surprised Kira hadn't easily overpowered. He also had little hope Light would remain at the end of this battle.

He once again read through the instructions of the Death Note, looking at the thirteen-day rule. He hadn't told the others his thoughts on that one, but he had a theory that there was a loophole where renouncing ownership got you out of it. If anybody could think of a way around that rule, it was Light.

Now to test it. Watari was already working on the arrangements, to check if this rule was real to begin with. After all, it could have been written by a bored Shinigami who dropped the book on Earth for the hell of it and wanted eternal amusement. Rem said every book had the same rules, but how could he be sure unless he found a second book?

Would burning the book save Light? Sure, there wasn't exactly a way to test that particular rule preventing it, but there was a chance both of those rules were fake, and burning the book could save Light from Kira forever.

Another question was if the notebook had corruptive powers. If the Death Note did break down and turn those who picked it up and became the owner, were those people really guilty of their actions?

Well, for Higuchi and most likely the second Kira, the answer was clearly yes since they were either doing it out of admiration or just lust for power. But the first Kira, Light, had he been corrupted by it? Knowing Light, he had probably seen it, assumed it was a joke, but decided to test it out anyway—having supposedly nothing to lose. After it had been confirmed to be real, had he been corrupted and turned into a different person?

He examined the notebook again, sighing,

"Light, don't lose."

...

In Light's mind, he didn't realize what he was locked in a battle. Mostly because he wasn't fighting all that much.

Instead, he was running through the halls of a castle of broken mirrors, unsure of why he was here and how he'd gotten here. But he did know as he climbed the stairs that he heard an alluringly haunting siren song, beckoning him to follow it.

When he finally found himself in the main room, he saw all the cracks in the mirror were slowly being mended by a mystical red light.

Frustrated, he found he still couldn't speak, so it wasn't like he could call out for the voice.

However, he found he didn't have to, as the voice chuckled,

"Still so afraid? L's not here, and there's no need for him to be around any longer."

In one of the broken but mending mirrors, a figure appeared on the other side. Light saw this man looked identical to him, except for his red hair and eyes, and his air of confidence that Light hadn't had in quite a while.

His double raised a questioning eyebrow, before realizing, "You're wondering who I am? I am you, and I am Kira."

While nothing happened when these words were uttered, Light felt as though the world was crumbling around him at the knowledge L had been right the whole time and was going to send him to the gallows. 

Surely he had had a good reason to do this. Ridding the world of evil was a noble cause, and a swift death was undoubtedly more merciful than what people like L had planned.

But still... would he really consciously decide, "Hey, I want to kill people." No. He wouldn't. So how had he become Kira? Or was this all a weird coma dream, and he had bled out a whole lot more nearly two weeks ago than he'd initially thought.

Kira smiled in an alluring way, unbefitting the face of a man who had killed hundreds of thousands with just the flick of a pen.

"This whole 'justice' system is broken way beyond repair," he said charmingly, "You of all people should know that, with how L treated you and Misa on nothing more than a small suspicion. The rich and famous can get away with murder—L could probably get away with murder—but there is unnecessary torment for suspects. Death Row is too damn slow, and the means of making sure wrongful execution doesn't happen actually causes prisoners to become less resistant. Doesn't the world need to change? As God of the New World, you can create a perfect utopia where people don't need to fear the night, but rather embrace it, and nobody will judge you for being your true self."

 _God of the New World..._ Light looked up, then gasped when he saw two images on other broken mirrors. One was of himself as a king, with the world at his feet. The other was Earth as a perfect utopia, with him in the shadows while writing, and smiling and himself in the sunlight.

"There are two ways to be God, after all. You can rule upfront as a King, but that isn't what being God is. Being God means to rule from the shadows, but for the most part, appreciate your utopia as Light Yagami. And this can be yours. After all, L is the only one to suspect you. And Rem cares for Misa a great deal, I'm sure you could pull a couple strings to stage a little... accident for L."

A new world sounded terrific, as a place where he could recover, and nobody would know the suffering he had endured. But the idea of betraying Misa and risking her life to kill L... it seemed so wrong. And if he gave into Kira and allowed the two of them to become one, that kind of thing would be considered necessary sacrifices. A God might be able to do that, but a human could not.

Kira held out his hand, "Well, what do you choose? A perfect world where good people have nothing to fear, or going back into a place where any wrong move from even innocent you could have you sent to the gallows at a stubborn detective's hand?"

Light sucked in a breath, unsure of which to pick.

...

It was another day before the task force started to lose hope Light would win this fight. Soichiro and Misa still believed in Light, and L pleaded to himself that maybe Kira was gone for good.

He hadn't left his windowsill perch, while Aizawa, Mogi, and Matsuda went home—requesting an update if there's any change in Light's condition.

Watari brought up dinner, while L picked at, thinking about every single possible outcome.

Looking over at Light, he looked very similar to the way he had when he had cut too deep: pale and unnervingly still. And if he ever saw Light in a state like this again, it would be too soon. Well, L supposed, it could happen again in another two weeks if Kira won the battle, because he'd be executed for sure.

But then again, he wouldn't be fully able to say Light was entirely to blame in his actions if this notebook really did corrupt people. It was the only reason he wasn't already making plans to test the thirteen-day rule. A small part of him just wanted to leave Light alone, because he actually believed this whole trauma thing. And maybe Kira would let go if he never wrote names in the notebook upon regaining ownership?

Maybe that would work. Hopefully.

"Light!" 

L turned from where he had been once again gazing out the window and saw Light was awake.


	13. Chapter 13

Light seemed normal.

Or, instead, it was how not normal he was with the trauma issues that made him seem reasonable. He wasn't suddenly "normal" and able to speak.

If anything, he was quieter than usual, more reclusive. Not quite "I want to kill myself" reclusive, but not really making much effort.

He was not happy to still have the handcuffs on, but the task force was okay with it this time because there was genuine fifty-fifty whether he was Kira or not. But nobody, including L, appreciated the fact that bathroom time was no longer private.

Light shrunk down as much as possible, feeling incredibly awkward in the shower with L, who didn't seem any happier, looking down at the cuts on Light's arm.

L sighed, hating to see the physical signs of Light's suffering. But then again... if Light hadn't been broken, the corruption of the Death Note would have been a guarantee, and Light would have been lost forever. At least this way, there was a chance.

At least that was what he told himself. And he looked down at Light, who was crying in a ball. 

"Light, I don't like this any more than you do. We're just making sure."

Light's facial expression morphed into something entirely new and terrifying, as he got up faster than L could react and was suddenly strangling him.

"Get...off!" L rasped, managing to hoist his legs up and kick Light off, releasing the grip that was making his vision darken. He took in large gulps of air, looking at Light. Unfortunately, this didn't contribute whatsoever to the Kira theory, because this wasn't the first time Light had tried to strangle him, and he doubted it would be the last. But the first time had been when he was distinctly not Kira.

Light looked at his hands with wide eyes, as though trying to process what he had just done. L sighed, knowing that Light had been badly damaged, and once the case was over, he'd personally make sure Light got the help he so desperately needed.

In truth, L didn't blame Light for wanting to kill him. In a situation of extreme anger or despair, it's human nature to think all their problems will be solved if the one causing them is gone. With the way Light's mental state was deteriorating, it made sense he would start thinking like that and would be more worrisome if he didn't. But L was also sure that the fact there was no way he would get away with it was a big reason why Light always stopped on his own or snapped out of it after being shoved.

Light got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around himself, and L just knew he was looking for the knife. Thankfully, all sharp objects had been confiscated.

...

Light was a mess. 

When he had been talking with Kira, everything had seemed so simple, and he thought his pain would go away upon joining him. But when he got his memories back, of his plan, everything was all wrong. He still wanted to cut, hated himself for being so afraid, and couldn't talk no matter how hard he tried.

If anything, the return of his memories and how badly his plan crashed and burned made him feel even worse. But there were times his Kira self showed, remembered what he had told Ryuk months ago about killing Ryuzaki with his bare hands, but then suddenly he would realize he would be taking a life and seeing it happen, and morals he thought he'd long since lost came back to him.

So no, he wasn't restored to his usual Kira self that he missed. The best way he could describe the tattered remains of his soul was that his 'good' persona and his 'Kira' self fused into one, but not cleanly, rather like one of those monsters in horror movies where the difference is clear, but neither can function without the other.

And what's worse? Because of his newfound fear of execution or really anything related to his father, plotting to become God of the New World was not nearly as satisfying as it used to be, and usually led to a panic attack.

L didn't realize how much he had won. He basically defeated Kira unless Light could get himself back to normal, but he had regained his pride, and therefore was too proud to admit he needed help. He hated those medications that his parents shoved down his throat to "make him feel better," but right now, the fact he had no choice in the matter might help his plans. That was, of course, assuming he didn't fall victim to the dreaded side effects like he had with the last five—symptoms varying from nausea and dizziness to actively seeking out death.

He did suppose his suicidal behavior before regaining his memories helped his plans a little—but the fact it was still genuine was what sucked. What L said about his trauma rendering it basically impossible to say he was Kira would come to his advantage bigtime. The task force would be against L as long as Light played the part of trying to get better but remaining terrified of both his father and pissed at Ryuzaki, and unfortunately, he wouldn't have to act all too hard.

He sighed as he realized he probably screwed up trying to strangle L. Honestly, that was something even he hadn't expected, regardless of what he said to Ryuk. But something about losing his privacy too had been too much for him to handle.

But he knew this was his fault because he had been the one to ask for confinement... but no, this wasn't his fault. He'd only done that because he needed to save Misa, who was too stupid to hide some physical evidence, and then there was Rem's threat. But really, Rem had no right to kill Light over this, regardless of what she said, because he hadn't asked Misa to send out those tapes, and he hadn't asked her to get involved. Really, she was just liability and his need to clear both their names—even if he could have found another way to clear his—had given L a godsend of a weapon against him by leaving him a broken mess.

But Misa had been very supportive during this whole trauma mess, and this left Light frustrated that he couldn't downright hate her like he wanted to. Rem, he had no problem with detesting, because he could have left Misa to die and been done with it.

Then he thought about it some more. Well, his name had not been cleared, because of his freakout and Rem saying it was possible Kira and Light Yagami was battling for dominance over the body. So now _at least_ Aizawa and L would always have a kernel of doubt of if Kira had won and was just a good actor—close to the truth, and that wasn't good.

With Higuchi dead and the killings stopped, the task force was waiting for the verdict of whether Light was still with them or not. But how was he supposed to 'prove' that? He really should have used his brain before deciding to strangle L.

Now, how could he get out of this? Usually, he'd say this was the prime time to get Misa to continue the killings and then manipulate Rem into killing L. However, Rem already ruined that by pointing out a possibility that he was Kira.

What he needed was a fall guy, another Higuchi, though this one had to follow his original MO.

He dully watched L get dressed as he thought of something, anything. Misa could do it, but Rem—that Shinigami was officially more annoying than Ryuk and Light actually _missed_ his former Shinigami—would likely interfere again. 

Though... didn't Misa mention Rem told her about something called the Death Eraser? Yeah! Misa mentioned it during one of their meetings before capture, that after writing her first couple names, Rem had offered her the eraser just in case she felt guilt.

Light put his pillow on his face to hide the smirk on his face that he couldn't suppress. At this point, he was so damaged he had nothing to lose. At least this way, he could use it to his advantage...


	14. Chapter 14

After a week, the task force was convinced Light had won the battle against Kira's darkness that had tried plaguing his mind. L didn't seem to really believe it, but he did allow the cuffs to come off and said Light was innocent unless proven otherwise, since Rem had said she wasn't _positive_ the notebook could corrupt. Those fake rules probably helped.

"What?!" Misa messaged to Light using their secret language just as she was about to leave headquarters. As it turned out, she had known about Rem, and Rem had told her everything about them being former Kiras. Once again, Light cursed that Shinigami to hell because that could have potentially screwed them over. But now, he had a plan that would do more than prove his innocence, "You want me to _kill_ you?!"

" **Yes."** Light replied, **"Well, not quite. I want you to find a notebook buried in the woods and start writing names. And I want you to write L's real name, and then mine. But make sure to get the Death Eraser first. That way, once a funeral happens, you can dig up my body and bring me back. If you do this, we can run away together."**

Misa was silent for a moment before looking up at him. What she didn't know was that Light _knew_ she didn't remember that name, so it was inevitable she would regain the eyes from Ryuk. Then she would probably come back here to tell him that, and he would 'lecture' her about losing more of her lifespan, but at the same time be goading Rem into killing L. When Misa came back to him, he would tell her through their secret language to subtly still write names. When Rem dies, Misa will write Light's name and go through the tower to collect Rem's notebook, then act devastated when she "comes up to check on Light" only to find him dead next to L.

It was a lot to put on Misa's shoulders, but he knew she was good at following orders. And while she may be reluctant to lose Rem, he knew Misa would rather that and get to run away with him. Another thing they would have to do for this to work was to transfer her money to another bank account and then fake her suicide, but they'd cross that bridge when they came to it.

She hugged him tight before leaving to get the notebook, and Light smiled genuinely. Misa was going to be an essential help for him regaining his typical resolve, his voice, and becoming God of the New World.

For now, he went back to Ryuzaki for therapy, deciding to try revealing some tiny things, which was safer now that the case was 'solved.' So he opened up a little bit because L was going to die by the end of the week at most, so why did it matter. He spun a tale about how he had always felt ostracized in the world because he was so different, which was the truth, but he hadn't ever minded. He claimed it only got worse with the constant accusations of being Kira from someone he had hoped could be a real friend, making him feel less alone. Everything went downhill from there with the confinement for so long, and the fake execution followed by even more accusations that he was faking his trauma.

And no matter how emotionless L typically was, Light knew that his pain had gotten through to him, and maybe the bastard even felt terrible about what he had done. The best way to deceive someone is by telling them the truth, so Light had been saying what he had felt before getting his memories back, and it was true that lacking memories he had seen no reason to not desire friendship with L, finally someone who he might be able to relate with.

But no matter how much he hated L for thinking it was a good idea to be his therapist, it was a lot less annoying than a regular therapist. Having to write on notebook paper until his hands were cramped, or "can you repeat that" always when attempting to use sign language. He hated discussing his feelings to begin with, and at least Ryuzaki hadn't been actually trying to help.

But it did confuse him why self-harm had stirred L into action about his mental state and not, say, any of the other signs. Was there something personal about that? Because from where Light stood, L should see the cutting as a distraction tactic. He wished it had been because it worked like a charm, and if it was fake, he wouldn't be actually desiring that pain. He knew he had an addiction, had a problem, and he wanted to be rid of it. But he could get real help when L was dead, and Light was living a new life under a different name. 

He wouldn't have access to the police reports as quickly, but he did know enough about hacking to do it regardless since coding was a skill he had taught himself when he was young. A sadistic part of him wanted to see how his father reacted to seeing his son die at Kira's hand, which would prove him innocent beyond doubt, but his father had still agreed to traumatize his own son because of L's _theory_.

L had been taking notes, nodding to himself, and he looked up. Light could see himself in L's mirror-like eyes, and he momentarily wondered if Ryuzaki's eyes were glassier than usual, but shook it off as the detective got up,

"I'm sorry, Light. I know it's too late to say we could be friends, but I wanted to be your friend too if you weren't Kira." 

He was unsure if L was talking about his former thoughts on the matter, or he still thought Light was Kira but decided it didn't matter either way due to the rules he had made sure to add would prove him innocent.

OoOoO

When Misa came back, everything was as Light had planned. Misa had gotten the eyes again and had the Death Eraser from Ryuk. The Shinigami knew about the new speech impairment, too, as it turned out.

"So, you can't talk?" Ryuk looked Light over, "I wish I had seen it, how have you managed to communicate?" Light sighed, knowing he would need to take the time to teach Ryuk the secret language, which was going to take forever with Ryuk's attention span for anything that wasn't apples. He was pretty sure he could bet a million dollars that the first word Ryuk learned would be that of his favorite fruit. He placed a hand on Misa's shoulder lovingly, before dropping it so he could use both hands to communicate, knowing Ryuk was watching the movements in fascination.

 **"All I want is to enjoy a long life with you in an ideal world. That's just how I feel."** And he meant it, only in a friendly way though, because he still couldn't deny her endless support would be helpful on the road to recovery.

Misa smiled, hugging him briefly, "I'm so happy." 

**"Let's create a new world together, a place with no crime, and only kind people live."**

"Yeah..." 

**"Stay in the building with me, I want you to write names subtly, okay? I am going to convince Rem to kill L so we can retrieve her notebook for us, and I want you to write my name down when I send you an L through text, then I want you to find Rem and retrieve her notebook, hide it, and then come to where I am to pretend despair over my body. Can you do that?"**

Misa nodded, "I can do that. I don't want to sacrifice Rem... but it's for a better world."

 **"And it will restore your lifespan, so we can have a long life together."** He held her hand, smiling much more innocently than such a plot should allow, and she kissed him lightly on the cheek. 

"Let's do it." 

OoOoO

Light was walking down the stairs from where he had been getting actual therapy. It was strange. In the last few days, L had given him a therapist, one from Wammy's, who could understand sign language. Before getting his memories back, he would have appreciated it, now he was wondering if there was an alternate motive. 

The first thing that the therapist asked, "Have you thought about suicide?" This meant either L had told this person about the basics of the sitation, or he had for some reason hired someone meant for this kind of thing. Part of him worried this was actually an FBI agent trying to see how sincere he was, which put him in a place where he had to tell the truth, leaving out the fact he actually was Kira. 

And well, he could say with absolute truth that he'd thought about suicide as an alternate to wrongful execution, only as a last resort. Besides, this plan of his involving the Death Eraser did _technically_ count as suicide, even if he was planning on coming back from the dead. He had asked Misa to ask Ryuk whenever she went out about how legit the Eraser was, and apparently, he'd needed to give it to a boy named Taro about a year before Light found a Death Note. The Eraser really did work, even multiple times, but Ryuk found it interesting that Light planned to use it to fake his death.

When he got down the stairs, still trying to figure out if L was trying to make things right or stubbornly refusing to give up on him being Kira, he saw the detective in question talking to Rem.

"Say, Light," L said, turning around so he could see any responses, "You're finally free to leave headquarters on your own, but it seems like you never go out, not even with Misa. You do realize you're free to have a relationship with her now?" He stressed the word 'free' in such a way that Light caught the real meaning: "You're free, Light." 

_Not yet, Ryuzaki, but soon._

**"Can't talk, remember? Kind of important detail in a society that doesn't know sign language and doesn't take the time to wait for someone to write notes. I need to get my voice back before anything else, and that will only happen when we solve this case."**

L turned away and nodded, "Yes, I suppose you're right."

...

L hated the pain of feeling like a horrible person. He had known for a long time that he was a lying monster. But seeing it hurt someone he had grown to care about, mentally broken and wouldn't be able to reenter society all too well, it made it real.

For a split second, he could have sworn he saw Light's eyes flicker red. L hoped that Light really had been able to overcome the corruption of the Death Note because if he was Kira now, that would mean L had tormented the innocent Light but was letting the dark one off the hook.

If things were different, they could have been good friends, but L wasn't naive enough to hope maybe things could change between them. If Light was Kira, it was likely he already had a plan to kill him. But if he wasn't, they were still never going to be friends.


	15. Chapter 15

Light walked silently down a hallway, looking for Ryuzaki. He hadn't been anywhere, and it was slightly worrisome. Not because he cared about L's wellbeing, but he didn't want the detective plotting anything. Over the last couple of days, Misa had started killing again, and suspicion was already on her, but not enough for confinement. But Light knew Rem understood the situation.

He went outside, even though he doubted he'd find Ryuzaki in the pouring rain, but actually did find Ryuzaki. He was standing there in the downpour, looking at the sky, droplets threaded in his hair. 

He didn't notice Light for a few moments, and Light winced when he realized he would probably have to walk out there. When Ryuzaki finally did turn, he had a strange expression on his face. Then he smiled almost bashfully, acting very unlike himself. Light walked out in the rain with him, shivering a bit as he was instantly soaked. His hands were already shaking a bit, and he huffed, knowing communication was going to suffer because of this.

He sent Ryuzaki a questioning look that got his point across just fine, proven by the response from Ryuzaki, who was staring at the ground.

"Oh, nothing worth mentioning… It's just…I hear the bells. The sound of the bell's been unusually loud today." 

Light looked around, unable to hear anything. He cocked his head.

"Really? You can't hear it? It's been ringing all day incessantly. I find it…very distracting. I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder if it's a church—maybe a wedding, or perhaps a—"

 **"What are you getting at, Ryuzaki?"** Light got out, glaring at his shaking hands. November rain wasn't cold today, and for some reason, his cuts were acting up. He pointed to the door and started dragging L that way, but Ryuzaki got out of his grip, seeming almost self-conscious as he hunched his shoulders even more, 

"I'm sorry. Nothing I say makes any sense anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't believe any of it… probably would have been better, for your sake, if you didn't listen to a word I said." He paused, "Let's go back inside. We're both soaked."

They went inside, and Light sat at the top of some steps, his shoes drying out from the rain, running a towel over his hair. Ryuzaki walked over with his own cloth on his head for some reason.

"That was quite an ordeal."

Light decided not to reply, breathing on his hands to warm them up, but even with them having warmed up, his hands wouldn't stop shaking, and his chest was tight. He hadn't told Misa it was time. Otherwise, he would think he was dying, or about to cry. But he didn't know why he would possibly want to cry since he was so close to recovering. There was no way he could be feeling remorse for what he was going to do to L. No, he was Kira, and this was L. Not only was this L, this was the man who had stolen his voice.

He frowned when he felt something on his foot, and opened his eyes, mouth agape because Ryuzaki was sitting before him on the steps, holding his foot in one hand, looking up at him in earnest. Immediately, Light dropped his towel, eyes widening.

Ryuzaki looked up, unfazed, "I thought I'd help. You seem to be wiping yourself off anyway." Light backed away a little bit, but Ryuzaki held firm, "I'll throw in a massage if you'd like." He didn't allow Light to reply, speaking quickly and quietly, "It's the least I can do to atone for my sins. I'm actually pretty good at this."

Light paused, watching L curiously, before shrugging, knowing it was pointless to argue with him.

They were both quiet as Ryuzaki slowly brought his towel up to Light's foot, pressing firmly, causing unexpected pain, and Light jumped, tensing, eyes locked on the wordless Ryuzaki. 

"You'll get used to it quickly," Ryuzaki said quietly, and Light watched water droplets from Ryuzaki's hair land on his ankle.

Slowly, Light turned to the side and picked up his discarded towel. He reached forward and gently brushed over Ryuzaki's hair and face with it, collecting the rain. Ryuzaki didn't move as Light did this, stare and hand still on Light's ankle as he worked.

"... I'm sorry…" was all Ryuzaki said, "For what's happened to you." 

The first thing Light thought of was his loss of speech and the toll this whole mess had on his mind. He really should have taken into account the possibility of snapping, but now he was left with a hollow victory from his plan to clear his name. It happened but at the cost of his mind.

But... for some reason, he didn't think L was referring to the muteness and self-harm. No, he meant something else. What though?

He didn't even try to respond, and they both sat in comfortable silence for a while, until Ryuzaki started talking again, almost wistful,

"It'll be lonely, won't it?" Ryuzaki finally looked up at Light, and when he did, a ghost of a sad smile was on his lips, "You and I will be parting ways soon. Or maybe you're happy about that, I wouldn't blame you if you were."

Did he know he was going to die? No, that was unlikely. Otherwise, he would have done something by now.

They held each other's gaze until Light was almost in shock, trying to wrap his head around what Ryuzaki was saying and the implications it held. 

The silence was interrupted by Ryuzaki's phone, which was annoying. The most irritating feeling is a cellphone going off in a theater, and that was the vibes Light had gotten. Ryuzaki dropped the towel, standing and holding the phone to his ear. 

"Yes? … Understood. I'm on my way." He put his phone back in his pocket, back still to Light, "Come on, let's go, Light. It…looks like it's all worked out."

He left no time for Light to respond, didn't turn to see any response, because he walked away quickly. Light was staring at him in astonishment, but quickly snapped out of it and hurried to follow Ryuzaki.

When they got to the main room, Matsuda was the first to talk.

"Ryuzaki! What's the meaning of this? You somehow got approval from another country to use the notebook for an execution?!"

Ah, so that was L's plan. He was going to test out the Death Note to see if the thirteen-day rule was real. Fortunately, it had been over thirteen days since Light had woken up from his little spell after regaining his memories, so his 'death' would not make anyone think that was the cause.

Light stopped listening, finding his mind drifting to the thought of dying. What would it be like, he wondered. He also made sure his phone was in the ideal position to send Misa the signal at a moment's notice. But would his demise be painful, or would his broken and twisted mind find some pleasure in it? He worried that he would somehow long for the feeling again and make things worse, but doubted that would happen.

He was brought from his thoughts when a blackout struck as Watari supposedly collapsed on the other side of the screen. Light knew Rem had gone through with it.

"Everyone, the Shiniga—" L stopped mid-sentence, the spoon falling out of his hand as he tumbled from his seat. Without thinking, Light dove for him, catching the detective in his arms. 

He sent Misa the signal.

Forty seconds until the sweet release of death—no, temporary end, he reminded himself. He looked down at Ryuzaki's wide-eyed expression.

He had expected to find himself smirking right now, but he just couldn't bring himself to. He started crying a bit, and he hated how horrible he felt. He hated Ryuzaki! So why did he feel like a monster right now? Like guilt would eat him alive.

L seemed surprised by the genuine tears falling before he closed his eyes. And before Light could process Ryuzaki was really gone, he felt a jolt of pain in his chest, releasing his hold on L and falling limp, his survival instincts trying to get any air, and it felt as though a sword of raw agony had lodged itself in his chest. It seemed he was not having a silent heart attack like Ryuzaki got for the most part. 

His eyes blurred at the sight of what might have been his father before he knew no more pain.

...

Feeling Light fall slack in his arms, nerveless and unresponding, caused Soichiro to come to a realization as cold and hard and pitiless as the percentages L would throw out about Light's chances of being Kira.

Light was dead. He wasn't breathing, there was no pulse. 

Soichiro screamed, trying everything he could think of to try getting his son's heart beating again, from the AED to CPR, but nothing worked. 

Now he was left shaking the unresponsive body of his child with stubborn determination. He barely noticed the rest of the panicking team, the sudden steel-hard apparency that _Light was dead_ hitting him like a blow to the gut. 

He had wanted his son's name cleared, but not like this. Never like this.

It stole his breath, crippled him, rendered him senseless, and sent his heart bungee jumping down into his feet. If he died of a heart attack right now, he wouldn't know for sure if it was Kira's doing or not.

"Light..." he exhaled, holding the body tighter as though it would somehow help, reverse time and make Light alive, unable to accept the stillness and lack of life worse than those dead eyes Light had had for months now, "Come on, son, wake up, open your eyes... _please_."

He clutched Light's wrist, cringing at the marks he could see even with the sleeve barely pulled up, feeling desperate for any sign of a pulse he had missed before—but there was nothing there, nothing at all.

Misa came up and screamed at the sight, but Soichiro didn't notice, knowing now there was no way she was Kira with how she loved Light. He barely heard Misa's uncharacteristic growl,

"Where are you, Rem?! Come out! You know something about this, don't you!" She stormed off, but Soichiro didn't move from holding Light. 

Aizawa placed Ryuzaki's forgotten corpse on a couch, before sighing, "Chief... I... really think you should put him down."

Soichiro inhaled deeply, holding his son tighter still. He couldn't let go. The moment he let go, it would be over—it would be separation. When Light had fallen over, he had been in pain, but he had still been alive. And though he clearly breathed no more, the fact that Soichiro had yet to cease clutching him seemed to suspend the moment, the actuality of outliving his son was not fact when Light still lay warm in the grip of his father.

To put him down would be to accept it.

He dully heard voices from upstairs, and then the rest of the task force was back, alongside Misa, who looked at Light one more time before running to the elevator and probably to her room.

But he didn't care. All he cared about now was that Light was gone.

OoOoO

The funeral for both Ryuzaki and Light was a week later, and Misa waited for nightfall after the service to sneak into the graveyard. Light's grave was right next to Ryuzaki's. She also made sure to wear clothes that she was okay with getting dirty and brought a ton of flowers.

The soil was still freshly moved, so it didn't take too much effort with the help of Ryuk—who had been bribed with a crate of apples to help her dig up this body—to reach the coffin and open it, hoisting Light's corpse out of it. 

Even in death, he was perfect. She smiled, knowing that only Light could look like a sleeping princess while dead. Or maybe that was her obsessive love talking.

She pulled out the notebook and erased his name. Within forty seconds, any signs of bodily decay vanished as Light took a sharp intake of air, his chest rising and falling. He blinked awake and sat up, opening his mouth, only to sigh. 

"You still can't talk?" She asked sadly, and he shrugged but brightened when he saw his plan had worked, and he helped her close up the coffin and cover it, placing flowers over the entirety of it. Both brushed off their clothes and hugged, glad to see each other—Misa was happier than Light since she had actually grieved, even though she knew he would be back very soon.

She did notice he refused to look at Ryuzaki's tombstone. Maybe he felt a little guilty. She cupped his cheek,

"It worked, Light. We're going to run away together, and we can work to regain your voice. Ryuzaki isn't here to stop us."

Light nodded, smiling, and let her lead him away.

They both heard Ryuk laughing, but neither knew the reason...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of basically Part 1, both of the anime and of this fanfiction, but we're still going.


	16. Chapter 16

L had woken up in the morgue, cold and beyond confused.

The last thing he remembered was the pain in this chest, falling to the side into a pair of warm arms. And those arms had been Light's, and L had never been happier to have been proven wrong. Light hadn't been smirking, soaking up his victory, he had been genuinely crying.

While this didn't entirely clear Light of suspicion, it dropped his chances down to 3%. There was the possibility that, even getting his memories back, assuming he used to be Kira, his experiences with trauma and working on the task force had changed him. _Maybe_ Kira really was gone from him...

L looked down at his chest, where he had installed a pacemaker months ago before working on this case. Had that really saved his life? Upon learning Shinigami and magic notebooks were involved, he had highly doubted the device would do anything against the power of the Death Note.

Well, apparently it had, and he wasn't complaining, just a little confused.

So, when the coroner came back and nearly jumped out of his skin at the sight of a very much alive person sitting on the examination table, and he bribed the man and a few others to keep quiet about him surviving, and filling a coffin with a few sandbags. Kira and the Shinigami would think L was dead, so if he wanted to stay alive, he had to be careful.

L was glad he had so many aliases, because his false identity as Hideki Ryuga, the college student, was the one announced dead, not Rue Ryuzaki, or L Lawliet, or any of the other countless names he had. Thus, he was still able to access his bank accounts, setting up shop in a small apartment on the edge of the Kanto Region. It was about the size of his usual hotel rooms, so this was normal for him, except for the apparent lack of Watari. For the first time, he really was alone while working cases.

His neighbors knew him as Yuki Maeda, a recent orphan trying to get a handle on life, taking a job as a P.I. An old married couple invited him over for dinner every night, and he was grateful, even if this meant he had to eat things besides cake.

Until he got a handle of living on his own—something he hadn't done since he was a young child—he decided to let Light and the task force handle the Kira case, knowing he hadn't stopped the "L is dead" message from traveling to Wammy's, meaning Near, Mello, and Matt were bound to join in some time. If he didn't see that as needed, he'd go to Wammy's and say the message had been a precaution, thinking he was going to die but didn't.

About a week passed this way, and he decided to visit the graveyard to lay flowers on Watari's grave. But what he found when he got there shocked him.

Next to L's own grave was that of Light Yagami.

No way... Light was dead? No, that couldn't be. Would the Shinigami really go after Light too? Or did Light...

He shuddered. No. Light had been on the road to recovery, he wouldn't go back and kill himself. Either the Shinigami got him, or Light was like L, and had survived but wanted to be careful and not reveal it.

Still, he had to find out what happened. But how to do that without revealing he was alive? Part of him doubted Light was actually dead, but how was he supposed to prove that without grave digging—he wasn't _that_ sure in his theory yet.

Looking at the flowers, they were probably Misa's doing, and there were a lot of them. 

He turned when he saw Matsuda walking towards them. That sure was convenient. He quickly moved to place a flower on the grave next to Light's pretending he was there for that. He also was glad he had his hood up.

Matsuda bent down between the graves of L and Light, "Ryuzaki... Light..." he said softly, placing down two bouquets, "I'm so sorry we couldn't..." he wept, and L turned,

"What happened?" Matsuda yelped upon seeing him, but L had enough foresight that he wore fake glasses and a ton of makeup to cover the bags under his eyes. It was sunset, so there was no way the idiot Matsuda would recognize him enough to say the detective was alive.

"Oh...uh..." he sighed, "They were working on the Kira case, and..."

"Kira got them?" 

"Y-Yeah." Matsuda frowned, "Do I know you?"

"I don't believe so." He stood up, holding out his hand, "I'm Yuki." Matsuda looked at him, rubbing his eyes, before looking at him again with wide eyes,

"I think I'm going insane. You look really familiar."

"I guess I've just got one of those faces." He smiled, turning to leave, trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing. 

So Light had been killed by the Shinigami too? If that was the case, there was a chance that Light was somehow alive too, but it also meant his chances of being Kira were even lower.

If Light was innocent, it made sense why the Shinigami killed him. He should have thought of that possibility before.

Maybe he was in denial, but he still didn't think Light was actually dead. He pulled his jacket tighter around him and walked back to his apartment before it got dark. It was unnerving being out in the world instead of hiding behind a screen at all times. Fame was gone—hold on, who would have the L title right now if Light was dead too?

There was no way the task force would find Kira since their brainpower combined was barely a fourth of what he or Light had. What, was _Misa_ going to be L? She would certainly have the motivation to do so if her love of Light really outweighed her admiration for Kira.

He scoffed at the idea of Misa trying to be helpful. Maybe he would have to reveal himself...

For now, he wanted to be sure that Light was actually gone and hadn't somehow survived like him. If he was alive, that would open many cans of worms, but knowing for sure was an essential step in the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your theories on how L survived (there's more to it than the pacemaker)


	17. Chapter 17

Light woke up in a cold sweat, having been caught in a nightmare about L's death. He shook himself and was greeted with the sight of the scar on his arm from his mistake. It was jagged and sloppy, and there was really no lie he could use to explain it away.

He got up and walked into the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face before hopping into a shower to take his mind off L's eyes, which still seemed to be staring into his soul.

Guilt was eating him alive, and he found no pleasure or joy in having his nemesis dead. Absence, it seemed, really did make the heart grow fonder. But Light knew he wasn't grieving for the detective, per se, he was mourning the death of the man who had been his friend before the confinement began—a weird friend, that was for sure, but still a friend.

He remembered what Sayu had told him months ago about her thoughts on Kira, saying he was an abominable murderer. Even if those people were criminals, they still had friends and families who loved them, who grieved for them.

The world was better off without them, he kept trying to tell himself, but he couldn't deny the pain and suffering he had inflicted in the process. He used to see that as necessary until he truly understood how others felt and realized Sayu was right. 

So, he hated himself even more and had given up being Kira himself. But he didn't want suspicion to fall on Misa, so he mailed one of their Death Notes—they had three, so this wasn't an issue—off to an apparent Kira supporter named Teru Mikami.

He remembered the feeling of being dead. Those who use the Death Note cannot go to heaven or hell. From what Light remembered, it was just nothingness, unable to even recall his own name at the time, which frankly sounded terrific. Just as he had feared, he had liked that and wanted to feel it again.

The new weapon he used to hurt himself was a broken-off piece of a box-cutter, which he hid in his watch on top of that scrap of Death Note. It was small enough that he had to stop when his hands got too shaky.

Misa had been trying to give him alternatives, like snapping a rubber band on his wrist, or as L had mentioned a while ago with the frozen orange peel in his mouth, and he did try that, but it didn't have the same effect.

He didn't feel he _needed_ to cut right now, but his wrist was acting up in a way that said he _wanted_ it. But no, he already had a problem and didn't want to make it worse.

It was late November, at least, so he had a reason to wear long sleeves.

Looking at the clock, it was 5:35am, so he still had six hours until he should walk to work. They had decided to not have Misa fake a suicide just yet because she was currently working with the task force to get information on the case. To get his mind off his dark thoughts, Light had taken up a job at an Izakaya about fifteen minutes walk away from the apartment Misa had bought for them. Light had insisted he didn't want to hear about his family, a little afraid of how they were taking his 'death.' But Misa knew since the task force worked in the Yagami household now.

Working at an Izakaya was not in any regard what Light had envisioned himself doing with his life, seeing his test scores and being well known for his mind. He wanted to be a police officer, but he knew that the other officers knew him well enough that they would all say, "Hey, aren't you Chief Yagami's dead son?" the second he walked inside.

His false identity had the same test scores thanks to the power of Misa agreed to go on a date with a guy who could ultimately create a new person. So he could get a better job if he wanted, but laying low and keeping busy to distract him seemed the best course of action right now.

Raito Otonokoji. That was the name Misa had put for his new identity. How ironic that surname was since it meant "path of sound." But Raito had the same kanji as Light, so he understood why she picked that.

Everyone he worked with knew he was mute, but they were told it was from damage to his vocal cords during a car accident. It made things harder, but the people were understanding. He was able to say that the big scar he had was from the accident too, but he wasn't able to lie about the other marks. His boss, thankfully, understood he was going through some things, and let him wear a slightly more long-sleeved uniform.

The people he worked with were the kinds of people welcome in the new world Kira wanted to build, and Light was glad about that. Kind and understanding, not judging him for what he was dealing with.

 _"Look at that, God of the New World humbling himself like this,"_ Ryuk had said, and Light wouldn't deny that comment was a big reason he had mailed Ryuk's Death Note to Mikami, meaning the apartment was wonderfully lacking in Shinigami.

Sighing, Light walked into the kitchen and started making pancakes for himself and Misa. His mother used to make them, so he considered it a small piece of home.

Misa woke up by the time he was done, brightening when she saw the food, "Light, you shouldn't have!" She dug into the food on her plate, and Light smiled a little, eating a little bit. 

Their relationship was... weird. Light still lowkey blamed her for the situation he was in now but was grateful for her support. Misa loved him with all her heart. They weren't lovers, but the best way to describe it was fuckbuddies since they had engaged in intercourse more than once at this point. For what reason? Misa wanted to since she thought they were dating, and Light didn't care enough anymore to refuse. And it did provide a distraction from the hurricane tearing apart everything in its path in his mind always.

Somewhere in the bottomless pits of hell that was his brain, maybe he did love Misa at least a little, but there was only enough of that to make him not feel like an asshole since he wasn't technically leading her on at this point. Having her around barely benefitted him, he could survive without her and didn't need her eyes since he wasn't planning on using his own Death Note until he had regained his fire.

Misa finished her food and kissed his cheek, "I need to head to work," she giggled a little, "I should go put on my makeup and clothes." She ran off after putting her plate in the dishwasher, and Light did the same, grabbing a self-help book off the shelf to read.

Misa came out wearing a pantsuit and had her makeup done to look like she had bags under her eyes, "Bye, Light! Tell Yoruko I say hi! Oh, and remember you have therapy in three hours." Yoruko was one of Light's coworkers who Misa had befriended. Misa ran off, leaving Light alone to his book, which he quickly found himself distracted from, unable to take his thoughts away from L dying in his arms.

He got up and grabbed Rem's former Death Note, wondering if learning the detective's real title would make his conscience shut up. He frowned when he saw the name was severely smudged, almost impossible to make out. Looked like he wasn't going to be learning L's real name. He did wonder though why it was so smudged but decided it didn't matter. It wasn't like L wasn't still six feet under.

OoOoO

Matsuda couldn't get Yuki out of his head. He was a lot more observant than people gave him credit for, so he had noticed the uncanny resemblance that young man had to the late detective L. Matsuda cursed himself for not asking why Yuki was at the graveyard because he had come to a conclusion,

"Guys," he announced to the task force, "I think Ryuzaki has a twin." 

Aizawa, Mogi, Ide, and Misa all sent him questioning looks. Soichiro didn't care. Ever since Light died, he had been in virtually a catatonic state, only ever looking out the front window and waiting for Light to come home. He didn't respond to much in the way of anything unless Light was brought up. His hair had gotten grayer, and the only time he left was to visit the graveyard with Sachiko or Sayu.

"What do you mean, Ryuzaki has a twin?" Aizawa asked.

"I met him in the graveyard. He didn't say why he was there, but when I looked at his face, he looked almost identical to Ryuzaki, only with glasses, standing normally, no bags under the eyes. He said his name was Yuki Maeda."

Misa raised an eyebrow, "Why would it matter if Ryuzaki has a twin? It's not like this Yuki person will have the same smarts."

"Ah, but here's the thing, he does!" Matsuda pulled up a tab on his computer, "I looked him up, and he's a private investigator. Even if that's not as large scale as Ryuzaki, it means that Yuki might be able to help."

"Matsuda," Mogi sighed, "You're getting ahead of yourself. Even if Ryuzaki does have a twin—which we have no way of proving since Ryuzaki and Watari are the only two who could confirm or deny it—what if Yuki has no interest in the case? What if he just looked like Ryuzaki in the lighting and is not a twin at all?"

"Trust me guys," Matsuda insisted, "We should at least try to meet up with him and offer! And come on, we need a detective like L or..." he trailed off, looking at the chief in the corner of the room.

"I guess you're right," Ide sighed, "Fine. We'll talk to Yuki. But if he's anything like L, I'm out."

Matsuda grinned, "I'll see if I can find him."


	18. Chapter 18

L had been sitting at dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Hashi when his phone rang. He looked down at the ringing thing with a sigh, "I've never liked cell phones." He went to shut it off, but Mrs. Hashi smiled,

"It's okay, dear," she said, "It might be one of your cases." L smiled gratefully and answered the phone, 

"Yes?"

_"Is this Yuki Maeda?"_

"Yes. Who am I speaking to?"

_"Touta Matsuda. We met at the graveyard the other day."_

_Matsuda?! What, why is he calling me? Did that idiot really figure it out—or I suppose he isn't an idiot if he realized I'm alive._

"I remember you. Why are you calling?"

_"The task force and I want to talk to you about something, we were wondering if you wanted to join the Kira Investigation."_

_Well, either he knows or something has possessed him to think this was a good idea. I doubt he knows L Lawliet is alive, but it's clear he thinks there's a connection._

"And what if _I'm_ Kira? You have now given me your name and face." He sighed, "Fine. Where and when do you want to meet?"

_"I'll send you the address. Could we meet up tonight?"_

"Tonight? Isn't it a little late? I'm actually having dinner right now."

_"Oh, so I suppose inviting you to an Izakaya isn't the best idea. Tomorrow morning then around 7:15? I know a nice breakfast place. I hope you don't mind if the rest of the task force comes."_

L sighed, "Alright. See you then, but you're paying." He hung up, looking at the phone in confusion, "Weird." 

"Who was that?" Mr. Hashi asked, and L shrugged,

"A police officer just asked me out. It was quite weird, basically saying 'hello, we met at the graveyard, want to have breakfast with me and the task force?' I mean honestly, that's a little creepy." 

"Yuki, are you sure meeting with this person is a good idea?" Mrs. Hashi asked, and L shrugged as he finished his ramen, 

"I'm pretty sure it's not, but I might as well do it anyway since I'm pretty sure that guy will look for where I live if I refuse." He waited for the couple to be done, before washing his dish and hugging them both, "Thank you for the meal."

"Call us after the meeting so we can make sure you're okay," Mrs. Hashi ordered, and L nodded,

"I will."

He then walked right next door to his apartment, locking the door shut. He shuddered a little. It was weird not being in a hotel or high-tech building. Even with his door locked, and being on the third floor, he felt unsafe as though someone could break-in at any time. 

He sighed, sitting on the bed and seeing Matsuda had sent him an address. It was a fair distance away, so he was glad there was a bus stop not far from his apartment, and he could take that to the restaurant. He would never admit it, but he didn't know how to drive, and Mr. Hashi was teaching him—the elderly man likely questioned deeply why a twenty-five-year-old didn't know how to drive, but was too polite to ask.

"Matsuda, why did you contact me?" He asked himself, unable to think of an answer, so he went back to one of the cases he had been hired to work in the meantime.

OoOoO

Light yawned, looking up at the clock. An hour left in his shift, which ended at midnight. Five hours of sleep was not enough, and it was coming to bite him. He wondered how L could manage with only two hours a week.

Mention of L, seeing those eyes, had him awake again, and he felt a wave of nausea.

"Raito?" He turned and saw one of the fellow waiters, Saiji, looking at him worriedly, "Are you okay?" Light nodded a little, noticing Saiji looking to Nikkei worriedly,

"Listen," Nikkei said, "It's raining, and it's dark. I know you aren't comfortable with being in cars, but I'm going to offer you a ride home anyway. Some of us carpool together during storms."

He thought about it. Light could always ask to sit in front, since being in the back was his problem. And it wasn't like Nikkei would shoot him. 

Light looked to Nikkei and Saiji, smiling a little to confirm he was agreeing. Saiji clapped Light on the shoulder, grinning broadly,

"Looks like there's a family who just came in, you should go see what they need." Light nodded, surprised when he saw a family out this late. It was a woman maybe ten years older than Light, and with her were two young kids, with the oldest being six or seven, and the youngest being a toddler. Regardless, he walked over, handing her a note telling her that he was going to be their server and asking what they wanted to drink.

"Just water for us," the woman said tiredly, "As for food, edamame, and tebasaki." Light nodded, writing it down and showing the order to Maiko, who started cooking, smiling and humming as she did.

He went to check on a few more tables and noticed Mikami was at it already, as there were already reports of Kira's rapid increase in daily killings. Mikami was undoubtedly more... enthusiastic about this. Light found himself a little jealous of that determination.

He then heard that six-year-old girl-child talking to her mother, "Mommy, I don't think Kira is evil. I think he or she is a good person who's lost their way." He didn't hear the rest of the interaction between mother and daughter, but those words stood out to him. 

When he thought about it, that girl was right. He had started out just trying to make a difference, but then he started killing anyone who got in his way. Raye Penber, Naomi Misora, the FBI agents, Watari, L...

He shook himself, blaming exhaustion for his current dilemma. He couldn't be second-guessing himself. The world needed to change, with rotten people removed. He had told himself he would do it, even at the cost of his mind and soul, so why was he reconsidering?

_"But if you did that, it would make you the only bad person left."_

Another thing Ryuk had said, and he'd brushed it off. But that damn Shinigami was right, wasn't he? Light ran his hands through his hair, cursing that little girl, for allowing the self-loathing thoughts to come back while he was busy at work trying to suppress those very feelings. His therapist said burying his feelings wasn't healthy, but what was he supposed to do when there were days he worked a twelve-hour shift worth barely 11,000 yen. Usually, he only had an eight or nine-hour shift, but weekends meant extended hours.

After the shift ended and the izakaya closed, Light wiped his brow with his sleeve, and jumped when Nikkei appeared next to him, brushing a strand of shoulder-length raven hair out of his face.

"Ready to go?" Light nodded, grabbing his rainjacket from the back and walking to Nikkei's car, relieved he was being offered the passenger seat and wouldn't have to ask for it. He smiled, sitting down. 

Once he got in, Yoruko, Saiji, and another coworker of theirs, Rei, cheered at another successful twelve-hour shift. Light had to admit, having lived in comfort his whole life, and always knowing he would have a promising future, he had forgotten about the little things in life, like the bond of friendship between coworkers. 

"Alright," Nikkei said to the others, "We're gonna take Raito home first," the others all grinned, seeing the fact Light/Raito was in a car to begin with as a great start towards recovery.

Yoruko grinned, "Hey, we should all get together. Sunday night, we should all go somewhere." Sundays were only a seven-hour shift, so they could all do something.

Light smiled, writing on a piece of notebook paper, **"I'd like to."**

And, somehow, he meant it.

OoOoO

L woke up around four in the morning, getting five whole hours of sleep. It was unusual, how low his workload was, so he had time he could use to attempt sleeping. The keyword is "attempt," because the reason for his insomnia was since he was used to darker cases that would haunt his sleeping moments, and burden him to the point his shoulders hunched. However, now he had no reason to not use sleeping pills, which worked wonders, and he questioned himself on why he never tried them before.

Now, while he had to put a conscious effort into standing straight, it didn't take as much makeup as it did formerly to conceal the bags under his eyes. He put on his fake glasses, marveling how much they looked like real black-rimmed glasses, but decided to leave his hair be.

It was bizarre, having to put thought into getting ready to go outside and meet people—which was a nightmare for him in and of itself. But he wasn't L Lawliet right now. He was Yuki Maeda.

He decided to settle on a burgundy plaid shirt and his usual jeans. He had to admit, looking in the mirror, that he did look like a different person. 

L put on his shoes and walked around his bedroom, practicing walking normally. Stay in character while you act the part, that was what he had to do, as weird as it was.

But something he had learned was that acting like a normal person was harder than it sounded.

Sighing, he took off his shoes and sat on the bed, finishing off one case he was working on and getting to work on another until 6:20 hit, and he had ten minutes to catch the bus.

Walking down to the bus stop, he made it just in time and paid the bus driver before sitting down.

The ride was long and tedious, and L entertained himself by staring blankly out the window, his mind wandering back to the idea Light was dead. He still didn't believe it, and he would say as much to the task force. But he knew he had to be careful around them because it wouldn't take much for them to realize L was still alive somehow.

He got off at this stop, straightening, and walked into the restaurant. He spotted the task force immediately but pretended to be confused and sit down to wait—there goes 40% of his deductive power—looking at some news articles on his phone.

He almost jumped out of his skin when Matsuda tapped him on the shoulder without warning and beamed,

"Yuki! We've already got a table," he took L's hand, "Come on."

"O-Okay." L cursed himself for the stammer as he found himself face to face with the task force and Misa, who all had their jaws agape.


	19. Chapter 19

Matsuda was soaking in the shocked looks to the task force. He was right, and Yuki was identical to L. Seriously, he was L if that detective put any effort in and had a healthy sleep schedule. 

"Guys," he said, holding Yuki's shoulders, "This is Yuki." 

"Hello," Yuki said quietly, sitting down. They all noticed that while he didn't squat like L, he did sit on his knees while in the chair. Then he looked up with a small smile, unlike L, who wouldn't even try.

Ide was the only one confused by the expressions of the others, having never met L in person, but Aizawa, Mogi, and Misa were all shocked to see this spitting image of L sitting in front of them.

"So why did you call me here?" Yuki asked, looking up at Matsuda, "And for the record, you reminding me that we've met before, but it was in a graveyard, was very disconcerting, and I was given stalker vibes from you. And I deal with enough stalkers of other people in my line of work." Matsuda noticed Misa's interest peak at that and assumed she knew the pain of obsessive fans.

Aizawa was trying to get out words through how stunned he was that Matsuda was right about something, "Uh—Yuki, do you, by any chance, have a twin brother?"

They all saw the look of confusion on Yuki's face before realization dawned on him, "Yeah, I have a brother, or rather _had_ a brother since I hear he recently passed. Why do you care?"

"I think we may have known him." Mogi answered, "What was his name?"

"Luke Maeda, why?"

Luke. L's name was Luke? Matsuda found he could place that, but it wasn't the first name he thought of or associated with L.

Matsuda brightened, "You really are L's twin!" Misa pulled Matsuda down and forced her hand on his mouth,

"Quiet, Matsu, we don't want Kira getting him too since you already announced his name."

Yuki raised an eyebrow, "L's twin? Just because I just so happen to have a twin with a name starting with 'L' doesn't mean my brother is some world-renown detective." He shrugged, "Though, I suppose I haven't seen him since we were six and taken to different orphanages."

That had everyone confused. Ide, especially, "The Japan justice system doesn't separate twins to different orphanages."

"Yeah? Well, my brother was considered more special than me and taken to Wammy's House, and I never saw him again. A man called Watari helped me to find a good home, so I didn't need to stay in the orphanage for long."

Matsuda gasped quietly. Watari didn't seem like the type to separate twins just because one had more potential. Yuki was undoubtedly different from L—or, Luke, he supposed—more trusting, maybe it was the environment they grew up in that changed them.

"So..." Misa said eventually, "We're wondering if you want to join the Kira investigation, avenge your brother's death, and we really lack in decent detectives." Everyone on the task force was offended, but she just narrowed her eyes at them, "Tell me I'm wrong." Nobody could argue.

Yuki giggled, which was an adorable sound, "So you're saying my brother died, but he was the one in possession of the singular brain cell you all shared when it happened?"

"No, there were two," Matsuda replied, not realizing yet that they were being insulted, "But Light had the other, and he's dead too—oh. That's not nice."

"I'm not trying to be nice, you're asking me to sign my own death certificate in joining this investigation."

Ide looked to Aizawa, "At least he's honest about it."

"So, are you not going to help us?" Misa asked, and Yuki shrugged,

"No, I'm going to help you, because by the looks of things you all are grasping at straws." A waitress finally arrived with the coffee, and they all ordered, before getting back to their conversation. Yuki yawned, "But for me to help, I need to know where my brother left off on the investigation, and who in god's name is Light."

OoOoO

Light was ready to pass out when he got done with work, not caring that he was currently still in his uniform that someone had spilled soy sauce on. This was the perk of working himself into exhaustion, he was too tired to cut, eyes burning out of his skull, and would fall into a dreamless sleep.

He did not expect for Misa to still be awake, with her notebook out, and said three words that made Light suddenly become very much awake.

"L is alive."

Light sat down next to her, **"HOW?!"**

"I don't know. But L Lawliet is alive, and now I remember Hideki Ryuga's name."

L Lawliet. That was his name. No wonder nobody could kill him, because who actually names their child L? Light was unsure if L's parents were brilliant or assholes.

Misa wasn't done, "And he's back on the task force as L's twin, Yuki Maeda."

That was not good. Not good at all. And there was a rule on the Death Eraser that made things even worse.

_Once a name is erased, writing the name again will have no effect._

So now L was permanently safe from the Death Note, even if they had both a name and face. Misa started crying,

"I'm sorry, Light, I must have left the eraser near the notebook, and it took effect. Now he's alive and immune to the Death Note."

Light didn't know what to think. On the one hand, a massive weight from guilt just removed itself from his chest. On the other hand, the idea of L being alive and back with the task force was a nightmare, especially if he was still refusing to let go of the theory of Light being Kira. If L was alive, he would immediately assume Light had survived too, and everything was crashing down. Therefore, a new weight of terror was back and there to stay.

He found himself once again in the clutches of a panic attack, curling in on himself as he realized L was going to find him, and he would be executed for sure.

Misa held his hands firmly, guiding him in his breathing, "It's going to be okay, Light. I'll message Mikami and tell him to hire a hitman to kill Yuki Maeda. Just relax," she helped guide him to their bed, laying him down and helping him change into pajamas since he was shaking too much to do it on his own, "Misa-Misa will take care of everything this time."

Too tired to think, Light found himself falling asleep and drifting into a world of nightmares.


	20. Chapter 20

Mikami got the letter from the second Kira, and his eyes widened as he read it.

_Mikami,_

_I need your help. L is alive, I don't know how he survived the Death Note, but he did. Now he is permanently immune. Could you hire a hitman to kill him? His name is L Lawliet, but he is currently hiding under the alias of Yuki Maeda, a private investigator and working on the task force to catch Kira._

_If Lawliet lives, Kira will be in grave danger. He needs to be taken out as soon as possible._

_Second Kira._

No picture of this L Lawliet, but Mikami knew that if Lawliet was really L, he posed a massive threat to God. But how had Lawliet survived the Death Note?

"Ryuk," he asked the Shinigami, "How could someone be immune to the Death Note?"

"If they have no name, but those kinds of people are extraordinarily rare, and I'm disappointed Lawliet wasn't one of them. And if they have their name either erased or damaged to the point of being unrecognizable. In the case of Lawliet, Rem made the mistake of using ink while writing his name, so when she dropped the book upon her death, the ink smeared and stained to the point his name was unrecognizable before it had taken full effect. Or maybe writing his name was considered void since Rem was already dying, I don't really know. I didn't even think it was possible until I saw a picture of him on Kira's phone, and it had a visible lifespan."

This had Mikami thinking as he instantly started looking for a hitman, and also researching Yuki Maeda.

Then a thought occurred to him. It could take a while to find someone to kill Lawliet, but having him alive meant God was in danger! This idea spurred Mikami into action. He had no doubt in his mind that he was committing another sin as he took to stalking outside where God worked—of course, this was only to make sure he would get home safely since he was out late at night.

Finding God had been a genuine accident. He went to the Izakaya after a storm knocked his power out, so he couldn't access the news to delete sinners, but he knew there was news at the small restaurant. And his server, Raito Otonokoji, Light Yagami, had no lifespan. It was enchanting to Mikami, how God could command such power just by being in his presence, and he didn't utter a single word. How divine.

He looked at the time. It was Monday, so God should be done with his shift in an hour. Mikami got up from his seat, knowing he would need supplies.

When he had the necessary equipment to protect God, he went down to the Izakaya and saw God waving goodbye to someone. Mikami watched in awe as God mingled with his people. The splendor that was Light Yagami, so beautiful and perfect.

Mikami watched, startled, as God stumbled on the uneven pavement like any normal human being would, but recovered his balance with inhuman grace. 

He was... so human! So vulnerable! No wonder the second Kira saw getting rid of Lawliet as a necessity, for it was clear God wasn't sleeping well. Or maybe it was the fact the savior's work was never done with all the sinners in the world. 

Here he was, watching God. God's avatar on Earth and he looked little different than any of these other people, even if he did have unnatural beauty that in Mikami's eyes gave him away for what he really was.

God was so exposed out here! And maniac could come along and...

_He needs to be protected! And who better to do it than me, his chosen?_

...

Light was on his way home after waving goodbye to Nikkei—who was quickly becoming his best friend—when a stranger blindsided him, leaping out of the shadows, pressing a wet cloth against his face. Light had had enough time to react that he had taken a breath moments before having the fabric in his face, so he had a moment of awareness.

"My lord..." a voice whispered in his ear, "Just relax, you're safe with me." 

_Wha—but...you..._ Light was pretty sure his brain was shorting out. _A shame, it was such a good brain too, though I could do without the self-loathing._ One perk of his current confused and panicked situation was that he felt some of his fire come back. Not much, merely a dying ember, but it was certainly better than the icy coals he was used to. He tried to shove the stranger off, still confused. If he was right, and this was Mikami, it didn't make sense. _For the love of ME, this better be Mikami, or I'm gonna be so pissed. Scratch that, I'm already pissed._

He struggled, doing everything he could to get out of the stranger's grip before his instincts kicked in, forcing him to breathe. He tried to scream because at least he was close enough to work that maybe someone would hear him, but then remembered he was mute and his scream was barely audible.

So instead, he decided to fight like holy hell. He could also tell that Mikami—if that was who it was—either didn't understand sign language or didn't care that Light was saying, "Let go of me!" But even if he didn't understand, the attempts at getting away should have made his point clear. 

He had never been happier to see Nikkei looking into the alleyway, eyes wide, and phone out, "Raito!" Light flailed, but eventually, his lungs decided to have a mind of their own, and he took a breath. Everything grew fuzzy until he had completely blacked out.

...

Mikami looked at this man, Nikkei Taira, who was glaring darkly and was dialing the emergency number. This was a good man. He seemed close to God. It confirmed the idea since the last thing Light did while conscious was reach for Nikkei.

"Let him go," Nikkei ordered, walking closer, "I'm dialing right now."

Mikami hesitated. God wouldn't be happy about this, but he would understand once he was safe. He pulled out his gun and pointed it at Light's head, "Either I take him or kill him, you choose. Drop the phone."

Nikkei's eyes widened, faltering at such a choice. But Mikami took that hesitation as enough answer and shoved past him, getting a reasonable distance away before supporting God in a way that made it look like he was helping a drunk, before taking him home and gently resting him on the guest bed.

"I'll protect you, God."

OoOoO

Aizawa came into work, and L looked up at him, noticing the grim expression, "Aizawa?"

"There's been a kidnapping, and I think you're all going to be interested in the victim." L frowned as Aizawa slapped down a case report, and everyone gasped.

The boy, Raito Otonokoji, looked so much like Light it was uncanny, except his hair was significantly darker.

Matsuda gaped, "He looks like Light!"

"Yes, he does," L was amazed. If this wasn't Light, the similarity was astounding. Was Light really alive? This proved nothing if he was alive because L was still hiding the fact he had survived—unable to believe these idiots had really thought he had a twin brother. So he couldn't say Light starting a new life meant he was Kira at all, because, with all he went through, that was a reasonable decision. And living through having your name written was undoubtedly possible, L was here as proof.

But he was getting ahead of himself, there didn't know if this was really Light, or someone who shared a resemblance to him.

"Are you saying Light is somehow alive?" Mogi asked, and Aizawa shrugged,

"I don't know. But it was better I put us on this case before the chief saw it, just in case this doesn't turn out of being Light, and he gets his hopes up, or panics too much fearing Light's in danger. But..." he slammed his hand on the table, "If Light survived, it's more than likely L," he sent a pointed look at 'Yuki,' "Is also alive."

"Well, whether this is Light Yagami or not, a civilian was still kidnapped." L replied, putting effort into not using his usual monotone voice, cleaning his glasses with a cloth, "And even if it is Light, this doesn't prove he is Kira one way or another."

"Well, there's the thirteen-day rule," Matsuda said, but L raised a hand,

"No. If Light, and supposedly L, survived, that means there is a loophole in the very first rule of the notebook, meaning I can almost guarantee there is a loophole around the thirteen-day rule, assuming it's real to begin with. But with all Light's been through, I wouldn't blame him for trying to reboot his life. I mean, if you were him, would you walk right back into the task force, somehow alive when you shouldn't be? A smart person would arrest him on the spot."

"But we buried Light," Ide said, "Open casket funeral and everything."

"Here's what I think happened," L mused, "Assuming this is Light. Misa visits every day, right?" He noticed Misa was notably absent right now, "Perhaps she heard him banging on the casket after he woke up. She's proven to have astounding hearing, and if Light was really trying to open it, he might have been able to lift the soil. Naturally, she would dig up the coffin and let him out and take him somewhere to recover."

"But isn't that unlikely?" Matsuda asked, but L shook his head as he started to realize the tale he was spinning could be very possible, 

"There are actually stories around the world of similar instances, but the victims aren't so lucky, usually error realized after they've suffocated. In those tales, the victim was merely in a coma with shallow breathing and pulse, but then they wake up. A person _can_ fall into a coma from a heart attack, so it's not out of the realm of possibility."

"But what about L?" Ide asked, and L knew the exact moment Aizawa understood with certainty what had happened concerning L, and that there was no estranged twin. But he didn't say anything out loud.

"Who can say?" L replied still, "For now, we have to see if Misa knows anything."

Misa came out of the bathroom moments later, and saw the angry looks, "What?" She asked.

"Is Light alive?" Aizawa asked, "Because L here seems to have a pretty good idea what happened." Nobody responded to that accusation, since 'Yuki' had taken the L name, so this could just be addressing his detective stance.

Misa had wide eyes, which were watering, "No. Light is dead, and you all know that. You all watched him die! Why would you open those wounds again?"

Everyone just nodded somberly, and Matsuda was the first to speak, "So... Raito. What are we going to do, Yuki?" 

"Check security footage." L replied, "I'm going to interview Nikkei Taira about Raito Otonokoji, and see if I can learn anything about him that might make him a target for kidnapping."

_If this really is Light, what do I do? The task force will want to reunite him with his family, but is that the right thing to do? His father has been a wreck since Light died, and his mother and sister haven't stopped grieving. But Light... he wouldn't want to go back. I know he wouldn't._

_If he is Kira, which at this point is doubtful, then he knows a way to revive from the dead and probably brought me back by accident. However, Misa knows I'm alive, and she would have told him, so why am I not dead yet? Maybe he felt guilty because his crying plants the possibility he purposefully brought me back..._

_It's also possible that the one who kidnapped him is Kira, and he is trying to get information about me and the task force out of Light. I don't want to think about that, especially if Light still can't speak._

_Well, the only course of action right now is to solve this case and find him. If he's really just Raito Otonokoji, who looks like Light Yagami, then an innocent is saved. If it's Light, we may be one huge step closer to solving this case._

So, he walked out the door to head to Nikkei's house to question him about what reason someone could have for kidnapping Raito, wondering if he was paranoid for feeling eyes staring into the back of his skull.


	21. Chapter 21

When Light woke up, he found both of his hands were cuffed behind his back, attached to a more extended cuff attached to the bedpost. Flashbacks to his imprisonment by L made themselves known in his mind, which didn't bring him out of the fog brought on by the drug. But it did send his already disoriented and short-circuited brain into overdrive.

It wasn't Mikami that had kidnapped him, it was L. He could already imagine the sugar-addict laughing at him as he walked in with that horrendous posture,

"Did you really think our deaths would stop me from catching you, Kira? I said I was going to bring Kira to justice, and nothing is going to stop me. And this plan of yours just made things that much easier for me." Then L lunged at him, strangling him, knowing there was no point in Light trying to call for help.

He snapped out of it when he realized L wasn't strangling him. Instead, Mikami had both his hands on Light's shoulders, shaking him frantically,

"God, Light, Kira, are you alright?" Ah, Mikami got the eyes, that was how he knew Light's identity. But the only response he could give as the drug in his system reminded itself of his presence was to puke, before flopping over on the bed. His already limited movements were sluggish, and everything ached. His muscles hadn't felt like this since...

Once again, all he could do was shake. He should feel safe since Mikami would never hurt him, but the pale skin and black hair meant all he could see was L, and he could practically see the noose being hung.

"It's been a long few months for God, so he's going to need extra love and support," Ryuk said tauntingly, causing Mikami to be full of concern, and Light used all his energy to glare so darkly at Ryuk that the Shinigami legit flinched.

Of course. Light had momentarily forgotten Ryuk was only here for entertainment. He didn't care if this psychopath who saw kidnapping him as protection would consider raping him to be love, if anything, watching a formerly strong person break past the point of no return would be interesting for him. Damnit, Light was supposed to be in control of Mikami, not the other way around!

Stupid PTSD. Stupid drug keeping him from thinking of what he should be doing besides shivering and crying chained up on this bed like a little bitch.

Fortunately, Mikami seemed to realize his error and uncuffed Light, who smiled gratefully.

"My apologies, God. I needed to go to work, and I didn't want anyone to find you and realize I'm protecting you." Work? How long had he been unconscious? He turned to Ryuk, who understood what he was asking, 

"You've been out almost a full day. Looks like you _really_ needed that rest."

No wonder he felt like death warmed up. Maybe he wasn't still drugged. His brain was trying to figure out what to do with this extra rest that it hadn't been granted in months. Certainly explained why he could currently see everything in high definition, or maybe he _was_ still tripping on whatever he had inhaled.

A spike of fear hit him as he wondered what would happen if Mikami realized Light was just as human as anyone else, the only unique thing was being smart and having a magic notebook. Surely he would be killed. He wasn't afraid of death, actually, he lowkey longed for it, but there was still his wish to die on his own terms. Being murdered by someone who was supposed to worship him was not his preferred method of dying—better than execution, but still.

He made gestures to Mikami, asking for paper, which he was given instantly.

 **"I'm plenty protected,"** he wrote, **"You can let me go."**

"No, God, I'm afraid I can't do that. You're too important to risk, especially with Lawliet alive. Don't worry, I've already hired an assassin to kill him. I've already researched much on you, God, and I know Lawliet locked you away. If they come after you before Lawliet is dead, I will fall for you, demanding information." He cupped Light's cheek, which caused Light to tense, "But I will do no real harm to you."

Kill...L... Light knew that L dying was good because he couldn't have L finding him. Why couldn't Ryuzaki leave him be? He really didn't want to hurt Ryuzaki, but if he didn't stop, Light saw no other choice.

This was all wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Light wanted to cut. He then brightened, smirking as he knew Mikami could be his ticket to cutting without being judged or worried about, this was how he could wrestle back some control over the situation. He wrote down on the paper,

 **"Well, I am grateful, Teru Mikami. I was hoping you could bring me a knife, I need to sell the story after all. Make sure to burn these notes, it will help if it looks like you don't know I can't talk."** At this point, he could care less about an explanation, he was merely spinning a lie so he could cut. 

"God, I don't want you to get hurt."

**"Trust me, I know how to be careful."**

Mikami bowed, "As you wish, then. I will work to delete the sinners."

For some reason, hearing it like that made Light feel sick about what he was doing. It was another moment where he wondered what he was doing with his existence and wondered if it was too late to turn back, which dragged him back into the self-loathing at what a monster he had become. All those innocents he had killed or directly influenced the deaths of—because technically _he_ hadn't killed any of the FBI agents except Raye. But if anything, that was worse, tricking Raye, who was only doing his job, into killing his coworkers.

When Mikami brought him the knife, he said he would give Light some privacy to do what he had to do, and Light found some comfort in knowing Mikami wasn't going to watch him strip and do this like some weird sadistic pervert.

Weird sadistic pervert? Light sighed as he remembered describing Ryuzaki like that _to his face_ more than once. He hugged himself, feeling like shit even more for being such an asshole. What if Ryuzaki really did deal with depression, and he'd just responded with a punch. Maybe if things had been different, they could have helped each other.

 _Oh darn,_ he thought to himself sarcastically, _I've got so many new places I have to try to make this believable as torture, and there's nobody here to stop me._

This was going to hurt, a lot, and Light hoped he would regret it because maybe that would make him stop. One more time going too far. If he died right now, he'd die happy, at least. Not give L the satisfaction of killing him, even if he knew he deserved execution for what he had done to those innocent people who had done nothing more than stand in his way.

He didn't even realize he had started his bloody ritual or was letting tears fall, too busy thinking about how much he regretted. Why couldn't he have turned back after he knew the Death Note was for real? Why couldn't he have put it back down where he found it? Well, he supposed, maybe it was good he picked it up because he knew a lot of selfish people in his class who would kill for their own gain upon innocents—wait, no, he had done that too.

Light wondered where he would be if L hadn't broken him. He would probably be out there writing endless names of anyone who got in his way, maybe even going towards those with petty crimes that could be rehabilitated, until he became the thing he swore to fight against. Maybe L doing this was a good thing.

He remembered the boy he used to be, who was imperfect, but he tried. He was good, but he lied. He was hard on himself. Even back then, he was broken and wouldn't ask for help. Though it was a different kind of broken before finding the Death Note, rather a bottomless abyss of emptiness and boredom. 

Few _worshipped_ Kira, rather feared him or wanted to exploit support for their own gain—cough Demegawa cough.

Teru Mikami worshipped him but was also insane enough to think kidnapping someone was a way of protecting them, and letting them mutilate themselves was obeyed without question—handy in his current situation, sure. Still, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that was a little fucked up. At least he wasn't being raped due to this man's desire to "commune" with God or some shit. See, it was moments like this that made him really regret his initial desire to be a God, especially after doing some research into what was typical during God's worship—human sacrifice coming up more than once.

Were all the people who actually worshipped him fucking nuts? Or had he landed himself the one nutjob delusional enough to see this as a good idea? Well, the second nutjob, since Light was currently the one using the knife and _oh wow, that's a lot of blood. Why do I see two of Ryuk? Why are you here, Ryuk?_

He wasn't sure if someone was screaming, or maybe that was his conscience, but he then noticed he may have nicked something he shouldn't have as he fell off the bed onto the floor and once again felt consciousness leave him.

OoOoO

"L." L turned and gasped when he felt Aizawa pin him against the wall, "How are you alive? I know there's no Yuki Maeda."

L looked up worriedly but knew the cat was out of the bag, and no amount of fake catnip would put it back in, "I don't know. How long have you known?"

"I've suspected from the beginning, because it's too convenient, you just so happen to have an equally intelligent identical twin living in Japan and visiting the graveyard at the same time as Matsuda. Then we're back on the 'Light is Kira' train soon after you join? And then you have a possible theory that you seem certain is true of how Light could be alive? You are no twin."

"Actually, running into Matsuda was a genuine accident, and I didn't want him to contact me until I had gotten my new life under control." L admitted, "Now, can you let go of me? The PTSD is real, the thing about my parents not being great was honest, and you're always grabbing me when you're angry." He took off his glasses, "I thought you guys had figured it out when he called me, the thing with the twin caught even me off-guard, but I should have known with the amount of television Matsuda watches."

"So, you weren't prepared for that?"

"Not at all. But I now realize why Matsuda is a bachelor if he reminds people of their relationship to him by bringing up a graveyard." He sighed, "And you were wrong about me thinking Light is Kira. If I too hadn't died and come back, I would say it was very likely, but how can I say that if I'm in the same boat as him? After what Light's been through, it makes sense he would try to restart his life with a new identity, with no association to the Yagami family or the investigation. In truth, I stopped suspecting him of being Kira long before my death. If he's putting up an act, he deserves every actor's award out there."

"Okay," Aizawa backed up, "Now I'm starting to think it might actually be a twin messing with me. L doesn't admit he's wrong."

"Because I'm childish and hate to lose? I've seen a case like Light's before," L looked at the ground, "And it ended badly. I didn't realize I was looking at a similar instance in Light until I saw him bleeding to death on the bathroom floor." Aizawa winced, remembering the fear they had all felt that evening, wondering if Light would live or die. "Because seeing your first friend dying inside and realizing you're a terrible friend for driving them so far causes you to realize some things." He looked up, "And if Light really is alive, he might be in danger, and it might be my fault. What if this is a Kira worshipper thinking he's Kira when he's not? So we need to focus on Light, or possibly Raito, but probably Light, and I will tell the task force when the time is right. I'm pretty sure Misa already knows, though. And just so you know, if I did have an identical twin, I would have absolutely used him as a backup plan against Kira, only have him pretend to be me to scare the living daylights out of Kira thinking I can't die."

Aizawa sighed, gesturing for him to follow, "Come on, get in my car, we can drive instead of walk."

"Thank you, Aizawa-san."


	22. Chapter 22

There was an interesting side effect of the Death Eraser after being killed by the Death Note. After that, a person loses their predetermined lifespan, so Ryuk was watching Light's lifespan jump up and down even if he did the most straightforward task like walk to work he was losing or gaining years. It was like rollercoasters Misa had described, up and down and around, and it didn't stop.

So while Light tortured himself, getting creative with that knife even if he was on autopilot, Ryuk was more interested in his lifespan. And thus, without realizing it, Light had become a permanent source of amusement.

Another perk was that since Light had no predetermined lifespan, if Ryuk didn't want his favorite toy to die, he could save him without forfeiting his own life. So when Light passed out from blood loss, hitting his wrist _hard_ against the nightstand, Ryuk caught him just before he hit the ground, placing him gently back on the bed.

_"Ryuk, I never once felt cursed since I picked up the Death Note. In fact, the thought never crossed my mind. I'm happier than I've ever been, thanks to this power."_

_"Normally, humans who come into contact with the Shinigami have nothing but misfortune."_

_"That's interesting. But I have no intention of repeating that pattern."_

_"Well, I hope you're right about that."_

Looks like Light was wrong about that. Ryuk had heard about self-harm and was intrigued that that was how some humans coped with hardship, but he had never thought that _Light_ would be the one to show him. _What_ had that L guy done to him? Sure, he had been watching from the Shinigami realm the whole time, but since he didn't understand humans and their sentimental crap, he had no idea what exactly had broken him or if it was multiple things.

Light had done quite a number on himself. What was that term humans used, "been to hell and back," yeah, that was an excellent way to describe Light's current state. He was still losing a lot of blood, and Ryuk wondered how much blood a human had because it looked like a lot.

He flew to alert Mikami, "Looks like God nicked something he shouldn't have." It was more a joke that he called Light a God. Still, it meant this human was directly under his control if he acted as Light's voice—and again, it was fascinating that Light would react to trauma by losing the ability to speak like that fish chick in the Disney movie. And it was fun to watch this crazy worshipper run around clueless, trying to do what was best for Light. Kidnapping him? Not the best choice since Light preferred to be in control and lack of it seemed to be a trigger for PTSD, and he would wrestle back any authority, even if it was choosing his own pain. 

As Mikami ran to make sure Light was okay, being a better judge of that since he was also human, Ryuk took notes in his "Human Journal," which was a little notebook he carried and wrote down his observations on humans. Light's mental state took up many pages, the same with Misa's descriptions of love. Ryuk didn't know it, but he knew more about what made Light tick than even said wannabe God did, let alone a therapist—one example being that Light's middle finger on his left hand would twitch when he wanted to cut.

"Things that set Light off..." he wrote down, "Getting kidnapped by should be a loyal follower." He added a question mark since he was pretty sure from what he had seen of other humans that freaking out in a situation like that should be reasonable, but what made it odd with Light was that he jumped so fast to cut in this situation and not, say, trying to escape. Unless he considered death to be an escape?

He looked to where Mikami was freaking out with "God" bleeding everywhere, and his wrist was starting to swell. If he tended to Light's wounds, it would look less convincing as torture, but Light might die without it. However, Ryuk saw that Light still had a good chunk of lifespan, so he wasn't worried about the young man's survival. Then again, that could drop at any given second. Light was now extremely unpredictable because there was no set time he would die. Initially, Light would live into his eighties. However, now it changed from dying tomorrow to dying in his nineties at the drop of a hat—though as Light deteriorated, the numbers were getting lower and lower, reaching sixty at highest.

Was Ryuk worried about Light? Yes. He wasn't going to be doing any cheesy and sentimental bullshit like Light's father, or Misa did, saying "I'm here for you," or "We'll get through this together," because, really, Light was just a mortal, he would die eventually, so why bother? And why lie saying they would get through it together when Light really was alone? Nobody knew what was going on in Light's mind and could understand it enough to say they were going to get through it together as though the one speaking was suffering too.

He snapped out of it as he realized he was getting irrationally bothered by a human saying, and he looked back at Light, who Mikami seemed to have stabilized. He was putting some weird oil on some of Light's deeper cuts before putting his clothes back on, using the knife to tear up the clothing too.

Ryuk sat down next to Light, observing him as he slept. And if a small part of him was making sure Mikami didn't try anything with Light, nobody had to know.

OoOoO

"So, is there anything about Raito that someone would want to kidnap him?" L asked of Nikkei and the other staff he had gathered since they seemed to know Raito Otonokoji pretty well, and even if it was Light, was this a kidnapping associated with the alias or not?

"Not that I'm aware of," a girl name Maiko said, "He doesn't tell us much about his past, though, saying he'd rather not talk about it, so we decided to let him try moving on from whatever happened. The only thing we know is there was a car accident, and he lost his father and damaged his vocal cords severely. He doesn't want to go to his mother and sister with his survival."

L marveled that, if this was Light, that was actually clever. "Car accident" could be referring to the mock execution, which accidentally traumatized Light into silence and made him lose his trust in his father.

"Well," Rei started pacing, "It could be because he's Misa-Misa's boyfriend. Nikkei, didn't you say the guy was totally cool with killing him if you didn't drop the phone?"

Any doubt that this was Light Yagami vanished from both L and Aizawa at that moment.

"Y-Yeah..." the young man named Nikkei said, hugging himself, "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to risk Raito's life since he was unconscious, and I didn't think I could overpower the guy—but I should have tried. He's our friend, and who knows what he's going through right now." Yoruko glared at him,

"Nikkei, it wasn't your fault. Right now, we need to find Raito and beat the shit out of whoever kidnapped him—I don't care the reason!" She cracked her knuckles, "I may not support Kira, but nobody messes with my family, which includes Raito."

From what L had gathered, all the employees had a close bond like family, which made sense since they worked long hours every day of the week. And Light had been working here for a little over a month. It was strange because it seemed Light was a completely different person around these people, being described as kind and selfless if not depressed—well, the depression checked out.

Aizawa shook his head, "I admire your enthusiasm, but this is a police investigation, we don't get civilians involved."

"And why not?" Saiji asked, "If we want to help save our friend, knowing the risks, why not help?"

L actually admired their courage and wished more officers in the NPA had it, willing to risk their lives to ensure justice prevailed—or, in the case of these people, save their friend. What would they think of Light if they found out that Raito Otonokoji wasn't his real name, and he was actually legally dead, and a former suspect of being Kira? Well, seeing how little they knew about his past, and that Light had been close to honest, they might be pretty accepting. For Light's sake, L hoped that was the case.

The first step to this case was finding out what motive the culprit had for kidnapping Light. Did the person know it was Light or the connection to the Kira case? Was it because he's Misa's boyfriend, whether as Light or Raito, doesn't matter? Or was it just that Light's pretty and he got kidnapped to get trafficked? L sincerely hoped it wasn't that last one, because they may not find him before he shattered if that was the case—even if he could narrow down Light's location to somewhere in America real quick if he had been trafficked.

"Wait, Nikkei, you said the man appeared right after your shifts ended? As in, he probably knew when Li—Raito gets off of work?"

Nikkei's eyes widened, "Yeah. Raito was walking away when he suddenly vanished. I wouldn't have thought much of it if I wasn't also walking in that direction towards my car and heard noises of distress."

"How many others get off on that time Monday?" Aizawa asked, and Nikkei bit his lip,

"Myself, Raito, and Saiji. Yoruko, Rei, and Maiko get in to replace us until midnight. The rest of the employees are twelve-hour shifts all the time and are basically zombies from exhaustion."

L nodded to himself, thinking. _So the culprit was more than likely going after Light or at least one of the six and grabbed Light. I can't ignore the possibility the kidnapper was looking for one of the other five, but why wouldn't he have drugged Nikkei as well and taken him if that's the case. No, he was going directly after Light and knew when he gets off of work. Light is very attractive, so it is possible this isn't Misa's stalker kidnapping him, rather his own stalker. Stalkers were something he was protected from as son of the chief, but now he's just a guy with no connections to anyone besides Misa._

"Were there any frequent visitors who seemed to take an interest in Raito?"

"Oh, plenty." Maiko said, "Raito doesn't talk, but his helpful and kind nature has made him a favorite server around here, stealing all our raises. With what he's dealing with, I was happy for him having all the positive attention. He's a great guy, just wished he realized that."

"Anybody in particular?" Aizawa asked, seeming to realize where L was going with this.

"No..." Yoruko muttered, but then turned to Nikkei, "Nikkei, by any chance, was the guy who kidnapped Raito that one guy? You know, the one who always wants Raito as a server and treats him like a king, tipping him _way_ over the normal." She slapped her head, "How did I not think of him before?!"

"What?" L asked, "So there is someone?"

"Well, again," Saiji said, "Multiple people are like this with Raito, probably because he works double as hard to make up for not talking. But there's this one guy who is always either writing in a notebook or making heart eyes at Raito to the point it would be rude for Raito to not go over and help him. He came in once, had Raito as a server, and always comes back on Saturdays."

Notebook? Heart eyes at Light? L and Aizawa looked at each other, knowing they had found their culprit.

Light had been kidnapped by Kira.

Whether this was the first or second Kira or even a third, L didn't know since he didn't have enough info and didn't want to let slip that he was L right now. Right now, he was once again Yuki Maeda, a private investigator working for the police. But what he did know what that this was most likely the original, due to having access to police records, which would allow him to know Light was a suspect and had been near L. 

Heart eyes could be both because he's pretty, but also because Light the way he was right now was the ideal in Kira's world—kind, hardworking, understood Kira's intentions to make a better world. The fact he was imprisoned might have given Kira the idea that Light was a follower.

Light could act when he wanted to, so it was possible he was holding his own right now, and playing along. But then there was the darker possibility that Kira would want Light to join him or rule by his side or some shit, and things would turn sour if Light couldn't give information on the investigation. L had a moment of fear that this Kira could kill with just a face, and knew something had gone wrong in killing both himself and Light.

Another possibility for kidnapping Light: to figure out how the hell he survived. He feared there was an intentional reason Light was alive, and L had been an accident since their names were more than likely next to each other in the notebook.

L felt panic start to set in, _There are many possible reasons Kira could kidnap Light, and depending on which one it is, we may not have long until Light's destroyed._

_Not now, Lawliet, calm down. Light is strong, he can take care of himself, he's managed to rebuild his life with only Misa's help, he can distract Kira for a bit and keep himself alive. For now, find him. Find Light, and we find Kira, and this whole case will be solved—hopefully._

"Do you have any information on the guy?" L asked, "We are going to assume for now that that man giving Raito heart eyes is the one who kidnapped him. If he didn't, then we're back at square one, but this is a start." But he knew he was right about this.

Nikkei got up, "I can check to see if we still have some Saturday footage. Now that I'm thinking about that guy's face, I can place it as the one who took Raito, except he wasn't wearing glasses during the crime." He went to the computer and eventually took out a CD, handing it to L, "Here. That's Saturday's footage. Do you need anything else?"

"No," L said, "Thank you." He was stopped by Nikkei putting a piece of paper in his hand,

"My number. Call me if there's _any_ update in the case. Even a suspect."

"Call us too!" Rei insisted, handing him a paper with all the numbers of the other four, "We want Raito to come back."

L smiled sadly, walking out the door. He turned back, "Just so you know, I'm glad he has friends like you." 


	23. Chapter 23

Light had woken up after passing out from blood loss multiple times before but never had he felt like _crap_ after doing so. He felt like he was going to throw up and was extremely dizzy, keeping his eyes open was a struggle.

"God!" He heard Mikami sigh in relief, "At last, you've awoken." He helped Light sit up, and Light winced since his whole body hurt badly, and he knew now that he was beyond saving, because the moment he remembered he had chosen the pain, his brain associated it with good. With how he had been basically training his body, he wouldn't be surprised if he could withstand actual torture.

He noticed that his clothes were cut up, but his cuts weren't bandaged and were somehow in different stages of healing. He raised an eyebrow, before wondering why his wrist was in agony, because he did not do that to himself, and saw it was swollen pretty seriously, probably broken. 

"He used some weird oil on you to stop the bleeding and healed some of the cuts," Ryuk explained, and Light nodded, understanding what was being said. He was startled to have water poured down his throat, and only then realized his mouth felt like sandpaper. How long had he been out? Honestly, at this rate, he was going to _sleep_ through being kidnapped. Judging by the sunrise outside, he had either been unconscious for a couple hours or a day.

"My lord, are you well enough for me to leave you and go to work, or should I stay by your side?" He handed Light the notepad, and Light used shaky hands to write that he was okay to be left alone, wincing as he had his hands cuffed behind his back and the PTSD kicked in. To sell the story for when L inevitably found him. 

Because in truth, he was pissed, furious, outraged! Mikami had ruined everything. Nikkei would have already taken this case to the police, and L was bound to have noticed someone who looked like Light had gone missing and want to investigate. He bet the entire task force and his father knew by now, and now he was going to be behind bars for life. He doubted they would kill him if they knew he wanted to die, instead lock him in solitary confinement for the rest of his days.

 _"Kira is pure evil, we can all agree on that."_ His father had said, and even in the rare moments that he had been awake and not slicing himself while in Mikami's home, seeing the crazed way the man behaved...

He was starting to really, truly, understand the same thing.

Ryuk looked to Mikami, "You go, I'll watch him and let you know if anything changes." Light frowned at the odd behavior from the Shinigami. Still, Mikami obeyed, leaving after sending Light heart eyes again and making him even more uncomfortable than when it had been at work. Then he left. 

Once he was gone, Ryuk grabbed the fruit bowl and started devouring the last two apples, holding out a peeled orange for Light to have, close enough that he could grab it with his teeth.

He smiled a little, wondering if Ryuk cared for some reason. As though reading his mind, Ryuk scoffed,

"Don't think I'm doing this because I care about you or support you in any way. I want to see how the food affects your lifespan—you wouldn't believe the things that make it plummet—and that guy is so boring, always following a routine. Seriously, did you give the notebook to him to punish me for that one comment about how your life changed?"

Light didn't respond, seeing as he was literally unable to, leaning forward and taking a bite of the orange. He wondered what this would look like to anyone without context and couldn't see Ryuk—a young adult chained up, covered in cuts, broken wrist, bleeding still, eating a floating piece of fruit and not questioning any of it.

"So," Ryuk had a bunch of DVDs, "I've been watching these since that guy's so dull." It was a bunch of old Disney movies. Light smiled, noticing the television. He remembered there were days he used to sit and watch movies or play video games with Ryuk, so this would be almost like reliving that and also distracting him from the pain in his wrist that was practically nauseating. He was confident it was going to set wrong and have to be rebroken.

He didn't pay attention to which one Ryuk put in, but then saw it was _Sleeping Beauty_. The Shinigami laughed, "Look, it's you for the last couple days." Light rolled his eyes at the joke, shocked that he genuinely smiled, but then again, Ryuk was kind of right after the drug that had been in his system and then bleeding a lot.

But as he watched the movie, for some reason, Maleficent's voice was being replaced by L's, and he already knew he was going to be having some _weird_ dreams tonight. Or maybe he was still not all-there after losing a ton of blood earlier.

But... L as Maleficent. It made sense. After all, wasn't the curse upon Aurora done in revenge? In her own warped sense of justice? Maleficent, driven in her quest of destruction by wrath, and when tried enough, didn't she suddenly transform into the most overwhelming evil? Perhaps L didn't compare to a dragon, but the principle was the same—that was the beast at it's most powerful, at its angriest. Its existence an impossibility, but its presence nonetheless lurking in the back of human minds providing a primal artistic terror to nightmares. The monster Light knew he was going to see when he was found by L, who he knew would have understood everything by then.

Dragons weren't real, but L, filled with the same deadly potency as a dragon's wrath, _was_.

 _"I can't deprive you of basic human rights."_ Ryuga, his friend, had said what felt like an eternity ago. It had been a while since Light let himself truly consider Hideki Ryuga the same person as L, the same as Ryuzaki. Ryuga was the one he had grieved for, cried for, mourned the loss of friendship. Yes, he had friends at Watami—the specific izakaya chain he worked for—but it was different, because now he couldn't talk, so they had no way of knowing how smart he actually was. Ryuga had known, had understood the endless loneliness, even if it had been a constant battle, wondering what Ryuga was going to do, he couldn't deny he had had fun.

Of course, he would never be friends with Ryuga again, because that had been a mask of L's to lower his guard before destroying him from the inside out. And even if he had seen it coming, it still hurt like a million knives.

How did a Disney movie of all things lead him back to his own misery? What was next? An anime would trigger that?

Actually, yeah, that's precisely what happened, because Ryuk decided to put in a DVD of an anime called _Inuyasha_ so they could binge watch and not have to get up. And lo' and behold, it was two minutes before Light was back to thinking about L.

No, he had to distract himself with something besides that stubborn detective literally too stubborn to die. Um... Misa! Her birthday was in a week. Maybe if he wasn't dead or locked up by then, he'd try to take her out to the mall, as a sincere thank you for all she had done to help him—and now he was back to L, damnit!

He could practically feel L cackling somewhere. If he didn't know that L was alive, he would think he was being haunted by that damn detective's smug ghost.

He wasn't sure after about two hours of watching anime if he was relaxing from the pain getting so bad that he couldn't think straight, or if he actually felt safe with Ryuk, but what he did know was he had his head rested on the Shinigami's shoulder, and was nodding off.

OoOoO

Teru Mikami, that was Kira. 

It had taken a grand total of two seconds to find the guy once he got back to task force headquarters. They were alone since Matsuda, Ide, and Mogi were looking for other leads, and Aizawa turned to L as he downloaded everything that was known about Mikami, including the name of his pet goldfish when he was three. 

"L, we now know for sure Light is alive. You need to tell the others who you really are."

"And have Ide quit before we can make sure Light is safe, or worse have him tell Mr. Yagami? Nope."

"The chief has a right to know his son is alive."

"And what if we find Light too late? And even if he's fine, Light didn't want to be found. That I am sure of. You and I both know that Mr. Yagami wouldn't let Light out of his sight, so it is best for Light's mental state that Mr. Yagami believes his son is dead."

"When are you suddenly the one to understand feelings?" Aizawa snapped, "You'd rather the chief waste away in denial and depression?"

"I have degrees in psychology, even if I'm not the best at using them outside of criminals. But because the chief is in denial, he basically knows the truth. I still haven't been able to get in contact with Misa, probably because she's avoiding us now that we know the truth, so for all we know, Light will kill himself the moment we try to reunite father and son."

Aizawa narrowed his eyes, "I don't think Light would do that."

"I doubt it too, but it's better to be safe than sorry until we understand what state he's in and how to handle it. From what his friends said, he seems to be doing better, but that could easily be a mask, or he does better around people not related to his past." He stood up, "Anyway, I have Mikami's address, so you call Ide and tell him that we rescue Light tonight."

"Why tonight and not right now?" Aizawa asked, and L looked at him as though the answer was obvious.

"We need to get Mikami just in case Light is locked up somewhere, because he is Kira, meaning he is not stupid enough to leave a key somewhere someone as intelligent as Light could manage to get it, meaning it is most likely on his person. And it will take too much time to get him from work, take him to his house to unlock Light. Better to catch him off guard. Besides, he checked into work, meaning that Light probably isn't suffering too much right now. It will also be better for Light's sake to save him while Mikami is there to show we mean no harm to _him_. If we walk in dragging Mikami, he might panic."

Aizawa nodded, "Fine. But once Light is saved and in the hospital—assuming he needs medical attention—you are telling the task force who you really are."

"Fine."

_Just hang in there for a couple more hours, Light._


	24. Chapter 24

The task force was genuinely shocked L had insisted on going with them, even if all of them except Aizawa believed him to be Yuki. To them, this confirmed that "the Maeda twins" were two very different people if Yuki was going out and doing the arrest himself. In contrast, L would have hidden behind his screen or in a helicopter.

L wondered what they would think when they learned that it was him the whole time. Ide had taken a liking to "Yuki," so how would he react?

Of course, this didn't mean he wasn't taking a pistol with him. He may not be a police officer, but he still had access to the building built in his name, so he had enough weapons to make James Bond cry with envy. But he didn't want to freak Light out, so he settled for small guns, easy to toss away if needed. 

He cursed as Matsuda slipped on a step, but didn't bother to remind the young officer that he was an idiot, instead letting Mogi kick down the door, and they heard a whimper.

"Where is Lawliet!" A voice screamed, and they all gasped to see Light, chained and bloody, being kicked by a crazed man with a knife. 

"Freeze!" L didn't hesitate to go in. He now knew how Kira killed and saw the notebook on a desk in the corner near a fireplace, so it didn't matter if he could kill with just a face.

Light looked at him with wide, panicked eyes, and Mikami didn't hesitate to laugh like a maniac, 

"Well then, looks like your silence is to no avail," he said to Light, "Because Lawliet came to me."

"Lawliet?" Matsuda asked, and L chuckled, pointing a gun directly at Mikami,

"Surrender, Kira. Even if you escape now, I can find you again anywhere. But let him go, and I'll give you a day's head start." Not that it mattered.

Mikami just laughed, pulling out his own gun and pointing it at Light—poor Light, he was now suffering from even more PTSD but had wormed himself off the bed and was stuck. Light and L met eyes, and L quietly apologized...

As he turned the gun and fired at Light.

Thankfully, Light really had been able to understand what he had been saying with his eyes and had fallen forward at just the right angle that the bullet went through the cuffs, which had left him chained to the bed.

Mikami seemed to realize this was a battle he couldn't win, but as Light starting getting up, he fired a bullet, and Light was thrown back by a bullet tearing through his shoulder, just adding to the wounds he had right now. The blood was spilling onto the floor, and Light looked ready to pass out, his shirt gone, and pants extremely torn up.

But Light wasn't going to give up. As Ide and Mogi overpowered Mikami, Light grabbed the Death Note, looking at it for a moment, before using his not-swollen wrist to throw it out the window, where it could be retrieved by someone on the task force.

"NO!" Mikami screamed, trying to lunge at Light, before swooning.

Matsuda was the one to slowly walk with his hands up towards the swaying, frightened Light. 

"Light, it's okay, we're not going to hurt you." 

Light was still shaking severely, looking ready to faint, eyes wide like a cornered and wounded animal. L wondered if Light would show the fangs and claws of most injured animals, or if he would come willingly.

The choice didn't belong to anyone, because Light's legs gave out from under him and Matsuda reached to catch him before he hit his head on the desk. He tried to carry Light, but that was a step too far as Light pushed himself away, as though saying he could walk.

Ide was calling an ambulance, and Matsuda rested Light's arm gently around his shoulder, guiding him out the door. Light was in awful shape, and it was astounding he hadn't passed out.

When they got outside, they were out there for a moment, until suddenly Light looked at something behind L, and lunged at the detective, throwing him to the ground as another bullet flew into Light's stomach.

...

It had been an established plan that if Mikami heard anyone to attack Light, no questions asked. Light had been prepared for that. He wasn't prepared to get shot though.

When they got outside, waiting for an ambulance while Mogi handcuffed Mikami and locked him in one of the cars, Light saw what looked like a small laser pointed at L's head. Looks like that hitman Mikami hired was deciding to finish the detective off.

But at this point, Light refused to let L die again, knowing he could never live with himself if he watched L get shot, knowing it would happen, and do nothing to stop it.

He shoved L out of the way, taking the bullet to the gut. He felt the pain grow immensely, and he couldn't make it hurt any less, no matter what way he thought about it.

He wasn't sure who was holding him right now, just that it was someone, and it felt kinda nice.

 _"Light!"_ Someone screamed, but it sounded as though he was underwater, _"Stay awake, stay with us!"_

But it was no use because Light wanted nothing more than to sleep and for the terror he was feeling, tensing his abused muscles to the point of agony, to go away. If he was lucky, he'd slip into MU before L could do anything...

...

"Light! Come on!" This was a new sensation L was feeling as Light went slack into his arms, covered in cuts and bullet wounds and bruises.

Light had taken a bullet for him, pushed him out of the way of what would have been a fatal hit. L did wonder why Mikami didn't use the Death Note and seemed to have hired a hitman.

Could it be that... he was _immune_ to the Death Note? Having died from it and then come back, it made sense. Was there something about him and Light that made them immune.

 _"As long as we are chained together, we share the same fate."_ He remembered saying that multiple times, but was that serious? They died together and came back together. Why had the two of them been brought back and not Watari?

When the ambulance finally arrived, Light was so pale he was practically transparent. But L didn't process that anyone was there until a paramedic bent down next to him,

"Sweetie, you're gonna have to let your friend go."

L nodded a little, hoisting Light up and putting him on the stretcher, before he got in the ambulance with Light, holding his cold not-broken hand. The task force hopped in some cars, either to bring Mikami in for questioning or to follow the ambulance. Matsuda had been the one to grab the Death Note from the bush it landed in, but right now L wasn't worried about what that idiot would do with it.

Mikami hadn't known that Light couldn't talk. L's blood ran cold as he remembered Kira mentioning Light had been silent. Even if he wasn't mute, he probably didn't know who "Lawliet" was, but had figured it was L. But if he had wanted to talk, he hadn't known anything, let alone be _able_ to speak.

Light was in this situation, and it was all L's fault.

Bullet wounds, cuts, inevitably gone into shock. Was Light going to survive?


	25. Chapter 25

Hours had passed, and nobody had given them any updates on Light's condition. The waiting room held plenty of more than anxious people.

Misa had gotten the lecture of her life when the task force found out she had known all that time that Light was alive. L was the next to be shouted at for hiding that he had survived. 

"I saw the soil lifting a bit," Misa had said, "I was alone, and I wasn't sure if I imagined it, but I wanted to see Light again no matter what, so I dug him up, opened the coffin, and there he was, terrified but alive."

"For me," L explained, "I woke up in the morgue, probably an hour after death. I have so many aliases that I was able to bribe some people into not mentioning I was alive, put some sandbags in the coffin, and let me get on with my life. The twin theory caught me off guard, but I went along with it since I didn't know how I survived. Still don't."

"It's probably because you, like Light-o, don't have a lifespan." The Shinigami, Ryuk, explained casually, "The Death Note takes away a person's predetermined lifespan, but for you and Light, your lifespan is constantly changing, not predetermined in the slightest. Just in the time I saw Light, his lifespan was jumping up and down every five minutes."

"So basically you're saying those two are flukes in the system, and the Death Note didn't know what to do with them?" Aizawa asked. Ryuk shrugged, eating an apple,

"Basically, but we Shinigami don't see humans like that very often."

"What triggers that difference?" Mogi asked, and Ryuk shrugged,

"It just happens."

"But that doesn't explain why I came back so much sooner than Light," L mused, trying to distract himself, "And I'm assuming Mikami," he held out the Death Note, which had the names of both himself and Light written in it. However, both of them were still here—hopefully, Light would stay that way, "Realized Light was alive after running into him at the izakaya and became fascinated by him."

"Yup." L was grateful Misa had brought so many apples because those seemed to be the only thing keeping the Shinigami talking, "He kept going on and on about Light being 'the one' whatever that means. Then he discovered Light was your prisoner for a while and decided to kidnap him for information."

...

Ryuk was lying and omitting to these humans for his own amusement. Rem had had the potential to send them on a wild goose chase but hadn't. It was going to be interesting watching them solve a mystery that could only be solved if they learned about the Death Eraser, which Ryuk was under no obligation to show them, especially since Misa had given it back.

He wondered if Light was going to live. His original lifespan would have allowed it, and his current lifespan did too, but that could vanish at any second. It was exhilarating, being just as in the dark as these humans.

...

The group sat in silence because Ryuk had run out of apples and therefore wasn't going to tell them anything else.

"What has Mikami revealed?" L asked, "How did he know my name? Until now, there was no living person excluding myself that knew my real name. Even if he had the Shinigami eyes, he would have needed to see my face, but wouldn't he have killed me the moment he learned my name."

"He won't say," Matsuda said from where he was on a computer, watching Mikami through a camera, who was blindfolded and in a straitjacket, "But I suppose he might not have put two and two together that you were L for a bit."

"Judging by his stupidity, kidnapping someone after stalking him," L mused, "I would say this is the second Kira—though how he got those tapes of Amane's are a mystery. But who is the original?" They were all glad they had their own room that L had paid to let them be in. It was just off the side of the regular waiting room, and this was where celebrities usually stayed if they had a loved one in the hospital, so they could avoid the press.

"Maybe it really was Higuchi?" Ide offered, and L nodded,

"Yes, I suppose that would make sense." L said, deciding not to even humor the idea Light was the original since he was currently on the brink from taking a bullet for a detective he had every right to hate—which was a very un-Kira-like thing to do. "And seeing as the killings have stopped since apprehending Mikami, I can believe that."

A small part of him acknowledged the blow to his already fragile ego. Light hadn't been connected to the two Kiras in any way before getting involved in the case. Sure, there had been evidence Misa was linked to at least Mikami, but that led nowhere. Light had been the one to find the lead for Yotsuba, and Light getting kidnapped led them to Mikami. 

And now Light was mute, legally dead, and had two bullet wounds. Seeing as Light had a fear of firearms, he was pretty sure any progress Light had made in recovering was down the drain, and he would have to be on suicide watch for a while—whether official or having one of his coworkers keep an eye on him.

There was still the unspoken topic of how they were going to explain to the chief that "oh yeah, we're just constantly checking in on a kid the same age as and identical to your dead son." Well, Soichiro was on family leave and was kind of in his own world of thinking that Light was going to come home soon, so he probably wouldn't notice. But they were all pretty sure Matsuda was going to let slip that Light was alive but in critical condition, and L would be in for an even louder shouting session and would have a second or third Yagami on the list of people who had tried strangling him. 

"The chief has a right to know," Matsuda said after a moment, but Mogi shook his head,

"Better to tell him when Light is out of the hospital. If he... doesn't make it... the chief would be crushed, having a shot at getting Light back, only to have him slip away again."

"Well, the Kira case is solved unless more killings happen." L murmured, "So what I want to do is work to repair the damage I caused. If Light wants nothing to do with me... that's okay. But I won't return to England until Light is on the road to recovery."

What he didn't say was that the last few hours had had something in him crash to pieces. He was new to these types of things—to have a friend or _former_ friend. He hadn't realized he still retained some caring in him until it was far too late to salvage the relationship they had had. Light Yagami was someone special to him, and all he could do right now was... wait. The thing he hated most in life was waiting, and it seemed Light as of late always wound up in a situation that left L waiting. It was hard, especially when he was unable to help. 

His heart was beating fast and hard in his chest. What would he do if Light died? Never forgive himself for dragging Light into this as a suspect, that was for sure—though he wasn't going to pretend that there was anything he could have done to prevent Light from joining the task force. Either L would have requested him, or Light would have found a way to participate on his own. If Light hadn't been a suspect, he wouldn't be broken, mute, and there would have been little to no opportunities for Mikami to kidnap him because he would have had the same belt buckle like the rest of the task force to alert of danger.

It had been a while since L had let himself drift into his own self-loathing thoughts—the occupational hazard of being a child with abusive parents and odd enough behaviors to be a target for bullies—but now that was his thoughts. But it didn't take him long to snap out of it since he remembered that song Watari used to sing every night to calm him down as a young child, and the melody brought him out of his dark thoughts quickly to this day.

Maybe _when_ they could visit Light, he would teach him that same song and see if it helped.

"Has it ever occurred to any of you to ask Light's opinion on the matter?" Misa asked, coming in from where she had been crying in the bathroom, "There are more reasons than just the fact that returning would be suspicious that kept him away. He didn't want to go back because he didn't want to hurt his father. He told me how he saw his father's pain every day, every flinch, every moment of fear. Light told me it would be better if his father moved on from him and maybe had a new son to replace him. I never appreciated Light's thought process, but seeing as he was legally dead and proving otherwise could be problematic, there wasn't much I could do except insist that wasn't true."

"Right now, you're just proving we need to reunite them!" Matsuda insisted, "Light didn't see the chief when he thought his son had died in his arms—he was a wreck, and still is, and you know it. Light doesn't know how loved he is and needs to."

"And then what? Make him feel worse about being afraid of being in the same room as his father for too long? I know Light, and I think this choice should be his to make, and none of you should tell Mr. Yagami until that decision is made."

Ide nodded, "I... think we can all agree that Light deserves at least a say in this. But, as much as I hate to admit it, Matsuda has a point too. They need to reunite, but the chief's desperation could scare Light away. If we're going to do this, it will have to be at Light's own pace."

"Well, until Light can make that choice," Mogi said, "I think it would be best to listen to Misa and Light's coworkers, who know him best at this point. Even if we knew Light before, he's changed a lot, so they are more likely to know what Light would prefer."

"Crap," L pulled out his phone, "I forgot to call them about this." He called Nikkei, and a half-hour later had Light's coworkers there waiting for the verdict. The group of izakaya employees didn't know the truth of Light's identity, because the detectives didn't feel it was their place to tell them.

Another hour later, they were all waiting and growing restless, wondering if this should be taking so long. Well, Light had two bullet wounds, and none of them were sure if they had gone all the way through or not, not to mention all the cuts and potential internal bleeding.

"Hey..." Saiji got up, "Do you think any of you can keep anything down? I can go get food."

"I can do with some stress eating right now," Yoruko muttered, "Go get some donuts." 

Typically, the thought of sweets would be appealing to L, but right now, he didn't feel like he could keep them down, and even the idea of eating made him feel sick. He also realized he was still wearing his Yuki Maeda glasses.

Ryuk went walking into the operating room since he could phase through it, and L sighed as he got up as though to pace, speaking so quietly it was a whisper,

"Ryuk, tell me if he's alive." The Shinigami didn't respond and went into the room. And L started pacing to the point he knew Watari would be telling him not to wear a hole in the floor... that is if Watari was here right now.

Every time he heard the slightest noise, he was looking to the doors, hoping to see a doctor tell him Light was alive and would make a full recovery. Or at least Ryuk saying Light still had a jumpy lifespan.

How had he and Light wound up with fluke lifespans like that which rendered them immune to the Death Note? He decided that was a question he could ponder for weeks on end later.

Finally, after what could have been a few extra minutes or hours, a doctor came out with a grim expression on his face.

"Friends and family of Raito Otonokoji?" They all stood up as the doctor turned away from them, "Come on back."


	26. Chapter 26

"Is he alive?" Nikkei demanded of the doctor, who hesitantly nodded, seeming almost unsure,

"For now. We've stabilized him, but these next few days are going to be crucial. He is _beyond_ lucky the bullet to the stomach didn't hit his spine. In truth, with the amount of blood he lost, he shouldn't be alive."

"I guess he's a wonder in more ways than one," L mused under his breath, "A damn miracle."

"Is he going to be okay?" Misa asked desperately, and the doctor again hesitated.

"If he wakes up, he will, but it will take time. The cuts all along his body were brutal, untreated, some of the deeper ones got infected. Not to mention he went into shock—dangerously close to irreversible-shock, but not quite. Right now, he is unconscious, but if he wakes up, his chances of surviving will significantly increase. But for right now, only two visitors at a time."

"Misa and Yuki?" Matsuda suggested meekly, and L was pleasantly surprised to see the fool had still used the alias. 

"You know Raito?" Maiko asked, and L nodded.

"We were friends before the accident. That's why I joined the police in the investigation. I thought he was dead."

Nikkei clapped him on the shoulder, "Well, any friend of Raito's is a friend of mine. You seem like a good guy, Yuki. But I call one of the spots for next visit." He looked at the clock, "It's pretty late, we should all get some sleep and visit him first thing."

"Shouldn't you guys be at work?" Ide asked, and Rei shrugged,

"The boss adores Raito, he said we could have time off to help take care of him. We'll be working when it's not our turn to visit. Oh, and boss also says you all get free drinks for life since you saved Raito." She turned to leave, "Good night."

L waved, "Goodnight." 

OoOoO

Honestly, L didn't care that a hitman had tried to kill him. Mikami was going to be executed in a matter of days, and he was tired, emotionally drained, and guilty as hell. So he didn't take up Mogi's offer to sleep with him tonight. He walked back to his own apartment, which was a short walk from the hospital. Ryuk was behind him since L was the one in the current possession of the notebook.

"Say, Ryuk," he mused as he walked, "Just so you know, I have apple pie at my apartment, so that's your bribe to talk. What would happen if I did the eye deal, since I have no predetermined lifespan, and it's always changing? You said the eyes come at the cost of half your lifespan, but would that merely be half of whatever my lifespan is at that given moment?"

"Don't know. Even if you wanted to try it, you aren't the official owner of the notebook, so I can't do the deal with you. You will be the owner if you kill Teru Mikami."

L entered the front door and looked down at the notebook, and saw both his name and Light's was there, but it had no effect. It would be so easy to write Mikami's name right now because he did want to see what would happen. Then he remembered something he was inquisitive about.

"Ryuk, I knew someone years ago who was born with Shinigami eyes. One of my successors was thinking Shinigami could drop their eyes to Earth. How could someone be born with the eyes?"

"Maybe if they're a fluke like you? I don't actually know. The old man back home would know more about that than me. Who was this person?"

"He was one of my former successors, calling himself Beyond Birthday, though it was initially just B. He went insane after an... incident... and became a serial killer in Los Angeles." L looked up at Ryuk as he cut up some apple pie for the creature, "Old man?"

"Shinigami King." Ryuk clarified, munching into the dessert, "He knows everything about this, not me."

So that mystery couldn't even be solved. L flopped on the bed and decided to wallow in his own misery like a pathetic worm for a bit.

 _"Would you like some sweets so your wallowing can be complete?"_ Watari had asked once when L was a young teen after he had dealt with a particularly traumatic case. His younger self had smiled and nodded, and present-day L stared at the ceiling, hugging a pillow, feeling tears in his eyes, probably smearing the makeup he still had on to conceal the permanent dark smudges under his eyes.

He missed Watari beyond what words could comprehend. He hated feeling weak, but after all that man had done for him, he deserved tears shed upon his passing. And right now, L was drained but overwhelmed, having convinced himself that Light wouldn't be too severely harmed by Mikami.

L shot upright when he heard a knock on the door, and went to grab a gun. Firearms weren't allowed in Japan, but anyone knocking at this hour was either trying to kill him or knew him well enough to know he didn't give a damn.

Hiding the pistol behind his back, he opened the door and was surprised to see Matsuda holding a sleeping bag and had a duffel bag over his shoulder.

"Hey, Ryuzaki, or Yuki, or L, whichever you prefer now."

"Preferably Yuki when we are at my apartment with a kind couple next door who know me as such. But seeing as L is my birth name and you know that thanks to looking in the notebook and seeing my name, there's no point in denying it when we're alone. What are you doing here?"

"The others said someone needed to stay with you just in case that guy came back."

"I doubt they will since we arrested the one paying them, but it's late, so you might as well come in." L turned, about to offer him some apple pie, only to see Ryuk had eaten it all.

"I brought cake." Matsuda offered, pulling a cake out of his bag, "Something tells me we're both exhausted, but know we're not going to be sleeping."

"Based on my calculations, there is a 97% chance you're right. Have you got anything to pass the time?"

"I've got some movies, not much." He smiled, "When you revealed yourself to still be L, I thought the friendliness was a facade, but I think you've actually changed."

"That happens when you realize you made a huge mistake, and everything you've known is ripped away from you." He said this in his usual monotone voice, glad he wouldn't need to keep up appearances anymore and emote when he spoke.

Matsuda changed into some more comfortable close, and he had a small smile, tossing L a pillow, "Well, you've got nothing to hide, we should try getting to know each other. After all, we're not exactly coworkers anymore, and at the moment, you aren't L, the famous detective. You're just L, a guy who wants to help his friend. But seriously, I find the lie of Luke Maeda to be more believable than your actual name."

"Yeah, that's the point. In truth... I didn't have a name when Watari found me, but a lot of the officers who were getting me out of my parents' home called me 'Love' so it just kind of stuck as my name before getting shortened to L when Watari officially adopted me." He looked up with tired eyes, "Does that satisfy your desire to know me? Tell me something about yourself." He pulled out one of his self-help books—he would be lying if he said he hadn't purchased a lot of those in recent months, "Exchanging information about each other, the book says, helps make friends."

"There's not much to say," he thought about it, "Well, you told me something about your family or lack of, so... I've got parents and an older sister who moved to England a couple years ago. It's been a dream of mine since I was young to be a police officer. I want to help people."

"Well, you've certainly done a good job of that, having helped at least a little in solving the Kira case." He frowned, looking Matsuda over, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six. How old are you?"

"Twenty-five." He could have sworn Matsuda's eyes started sparkling like an anime girl.

"We're the same age!"

"Technically, we're months apart, and for us to be the same age would mean we were born on the same day at relatively the same time. But I get your point. So?"

The sparkle died down, "Well, it would be nice if we both had friends our own age. All my friends are ten or more years older than me, and Light is seven years younger than you."

"You have no friends outside the task force?"

"No, not really. The Kira investigation is a full-time job, and the only thing I can really do outside of it is sleep. I've been thinking about trying to befriend Light's friends, but thought that maybe Light wouldn't be comfortable with that."

"Well, the Kira investigation is over." L replied quietly after throwing on a different shirt and removing the makeup.

"What are you going to do now?" Matsuda asked, and L shrugged,

"See, solving cases is my hobby, and I only take ones that interest me. Right now, the most interesting thing to me is the fact this case will never end permanently if another Shinigami tosses down a Death Note. And then there's mine and Light's supposed immunity to it." He took the notebook and showed it to Matsuda, "Mine and Light's names are very clearly written down, so there's no point in asking if there's a way to erase names and resurrect the dead." They both heard Ryuk suddenly start cackling, but seeing as he was watching the movie they had on as background noise, both shrugged it off for now since the Shinigami didn't seem to be paying attention.

"I've actually been thinking about that," Matsuda said, "I know you don't really care about my theories, but it's a little odd that you both are immune. From where I stand, that means it's either not as uncommon as Ryuk says, or there is some defining factor about you and Light, such as possibly dying before. Like doctors lost you for a moment but brought you back, or something went wrong when your mother was pregnant. Or maybe it has something to do with your intelligence."

"If intelligence were the case, all my successors are likely the same way—oh crap, I never corrected that message saying I'm dead."

"Successors?"

"I have three, and I, thinking I was going to die at Kira's hands, sent a message to Wammy's saying I am dead, so my successors would be unleashed upon Kira. Kind of like that story of Hercules fighting the hydra—cut off one head, and three more appear. Hopefully, Mello hasn't done anything rash and taken Matt with him like he inevitably would. I better make that announcement that both Kiras were captured, and then clarify that with them. But if that hitman really did do me in, there are still three ready to take my place."

"It's strange seeing you so open with me," Matsuda mused, and L shrugged,

"You know my name, and it's not like I will _ever_ tell you the real names of my successors. No, that secret will go to my grave. But the only way we would know if intelligence is a defining factor in an unusual lifespan would be for someone to get the Shinigami eyes and watch their lifespans. But that idea about an accident and being brought back might have some merit. I'll have to see if Watari had my medical records around to see if I was hospitalized at some point when I was young."

"So... the Kira case isn't over?"

"It is, but now I guess you could call this the Death Note case. No criminals, but I am curious." He jumped a little when he felt Matsuda smack him on top of the head with a pillow.

"Is cases the only thing you do for fun?" He hit him again with the pillow, which was very confusing for L.

"Matsuda, why are you attacking me with a pillow?" That had the officer pausing,

"You don't know what a pillow fight is?" At L's blank expression, Matsuda cocked his head, "What kind of childhood did you have?!"

"It ended early. But yes, cases are what I do for fun. Some people may say that's normal, though, aren't I allowed to enjoy my job?"

"Well, yeah, but you need to get out and enjoy the world. If you don't even know what the basics of a sleepover are, you obviously need to get out more often."

"Sleepovers mean someone is sleeping over, hence the name. And going out more than necessary sounds rather unpleasant." This conversation was far out of L's comfort zone of spitting out percentages, and it was kind of uncomfortable. But Matsuda did have a point, and at least being out of the comfort zone was interesting in its own right.

Matsuda stood up, seemingly determined, "I'm going to show you a world out from behind your screen! Baby steps, but you seem to have made a reasonable amount of progress in the last month."

"I saw that world plenty with Light. We played tennis and went to a café, and attended college together for a bit." He was hit by the pillow again,

"You still don't know what this is." 

L was already on a computer, "A pillow fight is a common game mostly played by young children in which they engage in mock physical conflict, using pillows as weapons. Many times pillow fights occur during children's sleepovers. Since pillows are usually soft, injuries rarely occur." He looked up, "But what's the point?"

"Fun or distraction. But seeing as you and Light beat the crap out of each other without pillows more than once, this should be pretty easy for you."

"So, we're not trying to hurt each other here?"

"Not really." L grabbed a pillow and hit Matsuda with it to see what the appeal was. Matsuda laughed, "See?"

"I suppose this would pose as a decent distraction." L mused, and Ryuk turned from where he had been watching television,

"What's this?" L looked to the Shinigami,

"Apparently, children view beating each other up with pillows as fun." He sighed when Ryuk hit him with a pillow, "Are you doing this too?"

"Sounds interesting."

L looked to Matsuda, "So how do you win?"

"It's not a competition."

"Everything's a competition."

"Well, with that mindset, I just gained a lot of insight into who you are." Matsuda frowned, "I guess... whoever pins the other for longer than ten seconds?"

L still had no idea why he was doing this, but he did have to admit it worked well enough to keep his mind off Light's condition.

That is until they got a call from Misa saying she was going to meet him at the hospital.

They had played many rounds, with L winning 7:2—he was a little bitter about those two because he got beaten by Matsuda of all people, but decided not to say anything.

Matsuda yawned, getting some coffee, "That was fun." 

"Yes, I suppose it was." L put the Death Note in his backpack, which he kept with him, holding his laptop just in case. He then threw on his trademark white shirt and jeans. Matsuda gaped,

"You really do look like a completely different person with even the smallest changes." 

"Matsuda, why did you think I had a twin?"

"Looked and sounded just like you. I'm more observant than you might think. At first, I thought it was you, but seeing as I was standing right in front of your grave, I doubted that." He opened the door once he was dressed, "Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital. Wow, I hope I will never have to say that sentence in a different context."

"If I ever hear that sentence again," L replied, "Or one involving waiting for Light to wake up, no matter the context, it will be too soon."

"Yeah, Light's been through a lot."

L looked out the window and saw Ryuk flying above since it was a small car. He chuckled a little, "You know, the notebook has infinite pages. I wonder what would happen if I tore a bunch out, shredded them, and then let the pieces blow in the wind. Tons of people would be able to see Ryuk, and it would probably cause mass hysteria."

Matsuda looked to him with a small smirk, "Did you just make a joke?"

"I'm totally serious. I kind of want to do it." This had Matsuda cackling,

"I would support you in that choice, except there would be a sudden lack of apples in the world."

"True."

There was silence, and L found all his suppressed thoughts and concerns about Light flying back at and hitting him like a truck. They said they didn't know if Light was going to be okay. What if he had gotten worse in the last couple of hours? What if—what if—what if—

They arrived at the hospital, and Misa was waiting for him with a small bitter smile. Matsuda squeezed L's shoulder, "I'll be waiting for you at the coffee shop across the street." He left, and L signed in, getting a visitor pass and getting Light's hospital room. ICU, of course.

Neither L or Misa said a word to each other as they walked through the halls, both afraid of what they were going to see had become of someone they cared about. Both were guilty but on different levels.

As they entered Light's room, both were shocked by the horrifying sight. Light was on a hospital bed, having several wires hooked up with an oxygen mask on his face and IVs that led to noisy beeping machines. Light looked pale, just like the hospital white sheets. His healthy tanned skin was… gone. Even though the oxygen mask was covering his mouth and nose. L could see the beautiful face underneath it. But he didn't look like he was sleeping peacefully. The state of his arms was monstrous, with so many stitches that he kind of looked like a poorly repaired doll. His left wrist and hand had a thick cast to stabilize the broken bone. It was hard to see anything else since he had a hospital gown on, and the sheets pulled up to his chest. His arms were pulled out from under the blankets and at his sides.

Approaching the bed turned out to be a difficult task for L. With each step he took, his heart beat faster and harder. When he was close enough to Light's bed, he hesitantly held Light's right hand in his, "Light… I'm sorry." He didn't even recognize his own voice as he apologized. It was hard, it hurt, and he wanted to turn back time so bad.

Misa's knees buckled as L caught her, helping her to a chair next to the bed, bringing himself another chair sitting next to her. Misa started crying as she held Light's hand in hers. "L-Light…oh, my love…" She sobbed. 

"He's going to be all right." L said, not sure if it was to comfort her or himself. "Light will get over this, we will be there for him." They were so close to losing him. They were afraid of the days to come. But they vowed they will be there for Light till the very end.


	27. Chapter 27

Fortunately, Light woke up within thirty-six hours. He didn't seem too happy about this since the first thing he did upon seeing Matsuda and Aizawa—who were there at the time—was hyperventilate until he passed out again. 

After that, it became an unspoken rule that Misa would be in the room with Light at all times to calm him down when he woke.

Right now, it was L's visiting turn, as it would be for another seventeen minutes and twenty-six seconds—twenty-five, twenty-four...

Light was kind of awake. He'd opened his eyes a few times, and moved around, and occasionally made noises of discomfort. L knew Light hated sleeping on his back, and it had taken a week of adjusting the beds to accommodate that while they were handcuffed. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything that could be done since that was the ideal position to recover.

The second time Light woke up, he needed to be calmed down by Misa, and when that didn't work, L left and swapped with Nikkei, who seemed to get the job done much better.

"So, he doesn't want to see any of us?" Aizawa asked back in the waiting room, getting a pretty good idea of what had happened.

"No, I'm afraid he doesn't." L replied, cursing himself for having trained his voice to emote during the month of being Yuki because now his dumb emotions were making themselves known.

Matsuda wrapped his arms around his new kinda-friend, but L had forgotten to mention that unexpected hugs were not a smart choice, since, on instinct, he karate-kicked Matsuda.

"Sorry, that's an instinct. I thought I'd gotten better about that."

Matsuda looked up, wiping some blood from his nose, looking hurt, before sighing, "Oh, is that another thing in the childhood we don't talk about?" Yeah, Matsuda stayed over again the night prior, and it had become an agreement that L's childhood before Watari was strictly off-limits.

"Yes, it is." L replied, "I'm going to head back to the apartment." He went to leave, knowing there was no point in waiting if Light didn't want him around. He frowned when he felt Matsuda behind him. Ryuk seemed to have stayed, likely to observe Light's lifespan for a bit.

Something that had crossed L's mind was the possibility that he and Light couldn't die. After all, their lifespans were constantly changing. But there wasn't exactly a way to test that.

"Hey," Matsuda walked a little faster to be next to L instead of behind him, "Maybe you could have your successors visit, see some familiar faces."

"I've been trying to suppress those emotions, so I don't have to grieve like a normal person. Having them over will 100% destroy that goal."

"L, you don't have to suppress how you feel."

"If I don't, my deductive power will decrease by 80%. For the world's three greatest detectives, that's catastrophic."

"But didn't you say you only take cases that interest you? Just take a break."

"And if another Shinigami drops a Death Note and the new Kira starts killing innocents for their own gain?" Matsuda had nothing to say, and L turned, "Why do you care?"

"Because bottling things up isn't good, and I don't want you to damage yourself. I don't want..."

"Me to end up a broken mess like I unintentionally inflicted on Light?" No response, but L knew that he was right, "Don't worry, I won't. Sometimes the greatest punishment is to live with what you've done."

OoOoO

It was two weeks before Light was, reluctantly on the part of most, discharged from the hospital. The only people he was okay with being around was Misa and his coworkers. The task force... he cursed Mikami to hell because that plan to supposedly protect him had absolutely screwed him over. Now L and the task force knew he was alive and wouldn't leave him alone.

The last time he had seen them, he had gotten to witness Mikami's execution, and he had been terrified when the man got to look at him and started laughing like mad. That psycho died laughing.

It was at that moment Light came to the realization that Kira was evil. He had become what he sought to destroy, and those who followed him were looking for a dystopia, not the utopia Light dreamed of.

So now, with no motivation to keep going but also nothing specific he could use to kill himself, he found himself lacking any form of reason to go on. He had been staying at Nikkei's apartment, with his friend taking care of him. But while he had usually been relaxed, Light was always on guard, fearing what Nikkei had been told. For all he knew, this was one of L's twisted games, using Nikkei as a spy to prove he was Kira.

Well, he wouldn't find anything, because Light had no intention of picking up that notebook again. But he knew that if he didn't keep his memories, there was a very high chance he would kill himself because he wouldn't remember the reason for Mikami kidnapping him.

The bullet wounds... when L had pointed the gun at him intending to break the chains, Light had been able to remain calm, because he understood that L would drag him to the gallows, not shoot him. Using a gun was just too cruel, and Light knew L understood that. Whether he cared about that reason was a mystery, but it had been enough.

When Mikami shot him, he hadn't seen the mad kidnapper. He had seen his father firing that gun, saying those dreaded words, _"Light, my son, from one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell."_

Then there was the assassin trying to kill L. At that point, he hadn't been thinking of anything other than the idea he didn't want L to die, even at the cost of Light's own life. Not because he cared about the detective who had looked much healthier than when they had seen each other before their "deaths," but he knew the world needed L more than they needed a shell of a man that was Light.

Now, his entire body ached. Most of the pain came from what he had started calling a "self-harm hangover," in which it felt good while doing it, but the morning after had him feeling godawful both physically and mentally. And yet, he couldn't stop and knew it was only a matter of time before he was back to that knife.

He knew it was true. He also remembered telling himself all those months ago that the pencil was all he would need. But now, here he was, having almost bled to death multiple times worthy of hospitalization.

Nikkei came in, "Bath's ready. Are you..." Light shrugged with all the energy he had, looking down at the cast on his wrist. But that was all the answer Nikkei needed, picking him up bridal style so Light wouldn't strain his already severely damaged abdomen. The bullet to the gut hadn't hit his spine, but walking still hurt, and not in a way he liked. 

He was sat down next to the bath, and Nikkei gently took off the bandages, before putting him in. The hot water stung on his cuts, but the pain subsided after a few moments. His hand with the cast was sitting just outside the tub since he couldn't get it wet. The bath felt nice, easing his aching muscles.

"Is that okay for you, Raito?" Nikkei asked, and Light nodded, but jolted at what Nikkei said next, "Or do you prefer Light Yagami?" At Light's panicked expression, Nikkei smiled, "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you. I just noticed the officers kept accidentally referring to you as Light, and I did some research. Light Yagami died roughly two weeks before Raito Otonokoji appeared. Am I right in assuming that car accident was when you supposedly died?"

Light shook his head, looking away shamefully. He took his not-broken hand out of the water and decided to tell a little, **"No. The supposed accident was months before that. I died of a heart attack at Kira's hand. I don't know why I survived, but I decided to try getting better with a new life."**

"Is it too much to ask what happened?" Nikkei asked, gently rubbing Light's back with some oils meant to help the healing process, "You don't have to tell me, but I want you to understand that myself and the others won't judge you. Was it the pressure of getting extremely high scores that drove you to..."

Light sighed, deciding to tell Nikkei about L, the investigation, the imprisonment, everything except for Mikami's real reason for kidnapping him. It took hours, and Nikkei had taken him out of the bath at some point and into comfortable pajamas after reapplying bandages.

And someone listened. It felt wonderful. Nikkei took the time to translate sign language, writing it down, and later reading the notes Light handed him. Even Misa, while she was there for him, tried to give him things that made him happy. She didn't _listen_.

When he saw L last, he had wondered if the detective had learned the error of his ways and was really trying to change. But he shook it off. But even if L had changed, could he really make himself brave enough to give L a second chance?

Nikkei looked up after finishing reading the next letter, then he started crying, hugging Light. Not in pity, Light could tell, but vastly superior empathy.

"I can't imagine how you felt, but I suspect I would have cracked beyond repair in your shoes. Nobody is going to hurt you like that again, I'll make sure."

**"I'm pretty sure I already have."**

"No, you haven't. You tried to turn your life around, and I saw you were making progress. Now you just have to get back up with some help. Take a step, step again, and focus on those steps towards recovery. If you want, I can make sure those people never go near you."

That offer... Light wanted to take it, but then he thought about the fact that nobody on the task force was known to give up. Even when Aizawa left the investigation, he didn't drop the case entirely. No, as much as Light wished, Nikkei couldn't stop them from dragging him either back to the place he used to call home or into a loony bin.

His mother didn't care about him. She acted like she cared, but she just wanted to see his 100% test scores, and he had no doubt she would pretend to care about his wellbeing, but just want him to not kill himself and get good grades.

A voice in the back of his head said he had to go back for poor Sayu's sake because she inevitably was having all the expectations forced on her. And she had no more big brother to help her with her homework.

There was nothing he could think to twist his mind into thinking Sayu didn't care about him. She did, actively sought to pull him away from his studies and spend time with him as a person. Spend time with him as not a future cop like his father wanted, not a perfect, brilliant scholar like his mother wanted, not a mass killer like L wanted, but as Light Yagami, the human with flaws and fears.

He wanted to see her again. That was the homesickness he felt, the only reason he wanted to go back. But he knew that he would need to face his parents if he saw Sayu again.

 **"Nikkei..."** he looked up, **"I want to see her again. My sister. But I can't face my parents."**

A shining grin bloomed on Nikkei's face, "There you go! A step in the right direction." His smile softened, "You know, I'm pretty sure Misa might be able to arrange that. She's been spending time with the Yagami household, right? We'll arrange a meeting once you're feeling up to it. For now, drink," he handed some tea to Light, "It's supposed to make you feel better. But for the record, I need you to understand that I'm not Misa, I'm not going to sit quietly and accept that you cut. I won't pretend I understand what's going on in your head, but I am going to work with you to find better coping mechanisms."

That statement brought both rage and joy to Light. He was being denied the ability to cut, but this also meant someone was going to take the time to work with him with no strings attached. No illusions of a romance that didn't exist—even if he was still very grateful to Misa—and no desire to find any proof of crimes.

That didn't make the ball and chain of trauma and guilt he had been carrying any lighter, but at least he had someone to really help him with the load until he could find the key to unlock it.

Light couldn't look too far ahead into his minefield future, because that was too much to take. But if he could break it down to this next breath, this next step, maybe he could get there.


	28. Chapter 28

Another two weeks passed before Light was able to walk for short distances, but he needed a cane to balance himself. It was awful, being helpless, but he had comfort and support in his friends, who didn't see him as pathetic and weak.

Another three weeks passed, and now they saw him as reckless when he tried two weeks before getting back to work, feeling he had skipped too many days. His boss, a man named Eiichi, had sat him down and explained he admired the dedication to his work, he couldn't be straining himself. They came to a compromise that Light would have shorter, less strenuous hours, and needed to take breaks, but he could help out around the place a bit. It wasn't much, but it was a start.

He did hate that he couldn't jump back into his life as Raito Otonokoji. It was clear that nothing would ever be the same again. For starters, his coworkers were calling him "Light," when they were alone. 

And their relationship with the task force was _weird_.

On the one hand, they were grateful to the task force for saving Light, but these were the same people who broke him so severely that he saw leaving his life behind as a good option. So they were friendly and offered those promised free drinks, but the moment any of them asked about Light, Light's friends grew cold, saying it didn't matter.

But L hadn't once tried to see Light, hadn't gone to the izakaya. The last time he saw L was a month and a half ago when during Mikami's execution. It was strange, seeing L had respected his wishes, and it felt like a hollow victory. What if L had really been trying to change?

Damnit, and now he felt guilty for not talking to L. What? Did he have Stolkholm syndrome, making itself known a little late? He just wanted to find L and had no idea why his brain was at war about it, knowing L wanted him at the gallows, but a part of him wanted to try again with that friendship.

He knew where L lived from Matsuda, the one member of the task force who didn't get his head bitten off when he asked about Light since it was clear from observation that Matsuda was the youngest, had no power over the others, and in general wasn't respected. This meant that Matsuda could have very well been in no way okay with the treatment of Light, but unable to do anything.

According to Matsuda—who was apparently L's unofficial roommate, just in case that hitman came back, and teaching L the ways of the world—L was trying really hard to change. But he was still struggling since he refused to let himself grieve, leaving him unable to process much, and he kept forgetting to fix a message in England and hadn't taken back his title as superdetective.

It seemed he and L had the opposite problem. Light was trying to keep the emotions _in_ healthily, and L was trying to get the emotions _out_. But that update had been a couple weeks ago, so who knew how L was doing now. 

But today was a big day. Five weeks of recovering and mentally preparing himself, and Light finally felt ready to see his sister.

Misa had said she was going to take Sayu shopping, and they would meet up at the ice skating rink, which was getting taken down this weekend.

Light was sitting nervously, notepad in hand. Any moment now, he would see Sayu. How would she react? Would she hate him for leaving? Be happy to see him? Sickened by how far he had fallen from the hero she used to see him as? She may have loved him back then, but what about now? He wasn't Light Yagami anymore, that person had died. He supposed Raito Otonokoji was closer to his true self now, a new name for a new person. Or maybe Kira was the one dead, and Light was fighting to come back.

And it would never stop being weird to hear Nikkei calling him Light instead of Raito.

"Light, you're getting twitchy, take the toy." He handed Light a little toy of a cat, which looked like a small rounded stuffed toy, but was closer in function to a stress ball. It was the current alternative to cutting they were trying to use. Light missed having a knife, so when he really needed to cut, he used a rubber band. Or he was given a soft pen, and he could draw on his arms.

Light squished the toy, appreciating the fuzzy feeling of the thing on his hands. He felt a little pathetic that this cat toy brought him comfort, but it was either this or a knife. This and the rubber band worked well enough.

They had tried many things, including writing in a journal, but that gave Light memories of using the Death Note and all the horrible things he had done. And this put him in a position where he had to get himself together fast because he wanted to make the world a better place. The only way to do that without Kira was to become a police offer—meaning he would always be around his father. Or be a superdetective like L—enough said.

He could still feel the Death Note calling to him, and he knew he had to write a name every 490 days to maintain ownership, only to make sure he kept his memories. One name and that was it.

Light jumped a little when Nikkei nudged him, "Hey, Misa's here with a girl I'm pretty sure is Sayu."

Light looked up, and, sure enough, Sayu was there. She had grown in the months since he'd seen her last. She was really blossoming from girl to woman.

Misa smiled to her, "Sayu, I have a surprise for you, but you have to promise not to freak out." Sayu nodded, looking tired. Light sucked in a deep breath, standing up.

Sayu stared with wide eyes.

...

Sayu never forgot. She never forgot the day she saw her brother unconscious from self-inflicted wounds. She never forgot the look in his pained eyes. She never forgot the guilt both her parents had felt, unable to stop Light's suffering.

She never forgot that day. The day she learned her beloved big brother wouldn't be coming home to them. The day she realized it was Kira's fault. The day Light had died in their Dad's arms, and it had broken him.

Above all of that, for the months to come, she kept one thing in her memory.

The sight of her Dad crying, hugging her, drowned in sobs and sorrow.

She never forgot the funeral, where she had seen her brother so cold and dead. She never forgot waiting and hoping he had been faking his death to escape from the constant accusations, and he would open his eyes just for her and wink, letting her know he was okay. She never forgot her disappointment and despair when that didn't happen.

From then on, Sayu had a new reason for working as hard as she could to become a great detective like Light had planned to be—she was doing it to avenge her onii-chan and bring Kira to justice.

But here she was, face to face with a young man who looked identical to her brother. She saw Misa run to this person and hug him.

No. Light was dead. She had seen him in that coffin, saw it close, watched it go in the ground, and be buried. For months, out of habit and because her denial-ridden father kept saying Light was going to come home, she would knock on his door to ask for help on her homework, only to find the room dusty, untouched by anyone. It was almost like a tomb in there, preserved and remained the same as the day Light left. 

She read his diary and saw that the last entry, before he went to L all those months ago, was him so scared, wondering if he was Kira subconsciously. Was that the moment he started breaking and turned to a knife? She wished more than anything to turn back time and let him know before he ever started cutting that she loved him.

The Light-lookalike walked up to her, looking nervous. She noticed he had a limp and had to use a cane. Not-Light handed her a piece of paper,

**"It's me, Sayu. I'm so sorry, I didn't tell you sooner."**

She shook her head, "No. You're not going to fool me. My brother is dead, and it's Kira's fault." She was glad L had captured both Kiras but wished she could have seen them executed, to know that Light was avenged.

The stranger in her brother's skin wrote another note. Sayu wondered how far this person would go to convince her of something untrue. Light had been mute when he died, but how many had known that?

**"I woke up in the coffin. We don't know how, but I suppose a magic murder notebook can mess up occasionally."**

"Magic murder notebook?" Misa came over,

"It's true. We discovered when Higuchi was captured that Kira's weapon is a notebook called the Death Note. Ask your Dad, and he can confirm it. As for Light, I dug him up when I saw the soil lifting from him pressing against the coffin."

A flicker of hope let itself be known in Sayu's broken heart. She looked up at the person who might be her brother, "Tell me something only Light would know."

**"When Misa came over, I told you and Mom to not tell Dad about her."**

Sayu remembered that and how it confused her. But that was something only her, their Mom, and Light would know.

It was real. This was really Light. Had they really left Light underground where he could have suffocated if Misa hadn't seen it? She shuddered at the idea of Light, screaming in that coffin, "Help me! Help me! I'm alive!" even if he couldn't talk, the thought made her queasy.

Her lip quivered, looking into Light's identical brown eyes. He smiled at her, and she hugged him tightly, breaking down in tears.

"Onii-chan..."


	29. Chapter 29

The night before Light went to meet with Sayu, L and Matsuda decided to try something new in L's mini-quest to learn about other humans.

"L, maybe you should stop?" Matsuda asked, watching L drink wine straight out of the bottle. Trying alcohol. He had been curious if L was a lightweight or not. But maybe he shouldn't have given the emotionally distressed young man who refuses to admit it a bottle of the sweetened ability to forget.

They were back at the apartment, and L had been hesitant at first but had admitted he was a little curious. After repeatedly asking if this would have a long-term effect on his deductive reasoning, he grabbed the bottle and tried it. 

Matsuda noticed the exact moment L became tipsy if not a little drunk. Now it was time to find out what kind of drunk L was—he was really hoping it wasn't suicidal depression because he'd had enough of that with Light.

"I want it," L reached for the bottle, giggling. His laugh was cute when it had no right to be while intoxicated. Matsuda put it on the counter away from them,

"No, not right now, you've had enough."

He knew to say no was the right thing to do, but he also realized that L had probably never been told "no" before when it came to food and drink, seeing as Watari had given him whatever he wanted. 

But what he had realized during his time with L, seeing the detective less like a human-computer and more an actual person, that L was severely held back when it came to social skills. It wasn't that he was blatantly disregarding other people. He didn't know _how_ to interact. It was actually pretty sad because Light could have been the person to help him if things had been different.

A dark part of his brain wondered if Watari had kept L like this intentionally to keep him reliant, but shook that thought away. Matsuda had made it his personal quest to teach L how to interact with other people, and so far, it had been working pretty well. So they had decided that alcohol would be an interesting experiment.

But right now, L was curled in a ball crying, likely caught in memories. Maybe this was the first step to letting himself acknowledge his grief while sober? Who knew. 

He sat down next to L, patting his head and noticing L's hair was shockingly fluffy. He then grabbed a lollipop and gave it to L, and that seemed to keep him occupied while he grabbed some water. He had expected a couple sips, not for L to grab the bottle and chug.

"Okay, I have ramen and water," Matsuda put it down in front of L, who stared at the food blankly, before pulling syrup out of his jacket and pouring it on the noodles. 

He didn't know how to respond to that. _Does L keep the syrup in his jacket all the time? Why? That probably tastes disgusting._

But L seemed satisfied with the syrup-covered ramen, so Matsuda wasn't going to complain. But he turned worriedly when L started crying again, hugging a pillow. He had a moment of fear but wondered if L was really going to open up. No matter the outcome, he would be here for this quirky detective.

"I'm a horrible person," he buried his face in the pillow, crying, "Why didn't I just accept I was wrong? None of this would have happened if I did. I didn't even care about the stupid case!"

"Didn't care about the case?" There was no accusation in Matsuda's tone. He had actually suspected that for a long time, that L saw this all as a game. It had always been a tennis match between him and Light—a game.

L sniffed, wiping his eyes, "It's all amusement for me. But I didn't realize how much Light meant to me," he took shaky gulps of air, and Matsuda helped him carefully drink some water, hugging him and doing what he could to comfort him. 

"Until he was badly damaged?" Matsuda offered, "L, he's not broken beyond repair. Last time I checked, he's doing a lot better, and they're finding better alternatives for his self-harm. I can call Nikkei right now for an update on Light if you want."

"N-No, it's late." Consideration towards other people being asleep or needing to be, it was a small yet significant step for L. It had been cute, how excited L got when he realized he was learning. 

"Okay. I'm gonna be right here, cry all you want to." Typically, he was pretty sure L would refuse, but drunk L took this chance and started bawling hysterically, unable to get words out through loud gulps of air, "I've got you, I've got you." He whispered this a few times, smiling sadly before L said some words that broke Matsuda's heart,

"N-Nobody's said that to me before..."

 _Not even Watari?_ Matsuda wanted to ask but chose not to, instead holding L a little tighter.

"I've got you."

After a little while, L cried himself to sleep, and Matsuda picked him up gently, carrying him and tucking him into bed. He was surprised to feel L refuse to let go, even while asleep, like a small child who needed someone to hold onto.

"Okay," he whispered, "I'll stay."

OoOoO

L opened his eyes and saw a sideways landscape of pillows in the foreground, and realized after a moment that he was sleeping cuddled up next to Matsuda, and he also had a bit of a headache. He took a moment to collect his thoughts. As his brain booted up, he replayed the previous night in his memory. When he was done, he went back and replayed a couple of the blurrier bits a couple of times.

He instantly shot up, wincing as dark spots appeared in his vision from sitting up too fast. With the fact he had managed to get drunk—seeing as that was his first time drinking anything ever, he knew that amount had been enough, and he was damn lucky the hangover wasn't worse.

He looked to where Ryuk was sitting and watching anime, sighing, "Ryuk, did I do something I should regret? I'm pretty sure I remember, but I need to be sure."

"You cried a lot," Ryuk said, "And ate ramen covered in syrup."

He couldn't blame the second one on the alcohol. But the first one was something he would never do while sober.

L cursed himself because now those thoughts were here to haunt him, and there goes the majority of his deductive reasoning. He bit his thumb because wasn't his damn deductive reasoning the thing that got him into this mess?

_Calm down. You made one mistake when you've also gotten countless other things right._

_One mistake that spiraled and cost me everything! If I had moved onto other options, would Watari still be alive?_

His eyes widened as that thought planted itself in his head. If he had dropped it and given the Shinigami back the notebook, having it return to its realm, instead of deciding to test it, Watari would still be alive. There was a possibility the Death Note would have been given to another, but Watari would be alive, Light wouldn't have been kidnapped and tortured...

If he hadn't tried that mock execution, Light would still be okay and would be speaking, and he wouldn't be so afraid of his own father that he would instead let them believe he was dead. 

_Calm down, calm down._ L kept telling himself, trying to hum himself that melody to soothe his panicking mind but found himself dragged deeper into despair as it reminded him of Watari, falling to his knees. No tears fell, but this throat and eyes burned and he either couldn't breathe or was hyperventilating.

The bottle that had kept hidden L's emotions for _years_ had just erupted open, and it hurt more than he could have imagined.

"L!" He heard someone shouting to him, and he assumed it was Matsuda, because who else could it be? "L, speak to me!"

He tried to whisper speak, blinking a few times, feeling hot and salty tears spill onto his flushed cheeks. Matsuda hugged him, tracing soothing figure-eights on his back, breathing slowly, allowing L to follow along.

"Why are you crying?" He asked softly, and L looked up at him with charcoal grey eyes.

"B-Because I am lost," he admitted meekly, clinging to Matsuda's neck, "And I do not know the way."


	30. Chapter 30

Light looked down at Sayu sobbing and hugging his torso like he was the last good thing on Earth. All things considered, she could be taking this a lot worse, so Light was going to count his blessings and hug her back—not the easiest thing to do with a cast on his wrist.

The hug ended after a moment that could be considered awkward if you didn't know the context. As Sayu took a step back, he watched as her joy-filled eyes had horror in them.

"What happened to you?!" She asked, gesturing to his cast and the cane he was using to stand upright. He didn't want to worry her, so he decided to consciously avoid the idea of her knowledge about the cuts all over his body and the two bullet wounds that were healing nicely but not quite there.

But that didn't work as she grabbed his other arm and pulled up, seeing the cuts, "Oh, Light..."

 **"That wasn't me."** He lied, which was much easier to do on paper, **"I got kidnapped, and I'll spare you the details."** That part was true, at least.

"I-I'm not sure what's worse," Sayu shuddered, "If you did do that to yourself, or if someone else did. But why would someone..."

"Kira found out he was alive," Misa explained, "And likely knew something about L."

"Kira?!" Sayu blanched, and Light steadied her.

 **"Yeah, but let's not talk about that. If I was going to talk about the bad stuff, I'd go to a therapist."** He took her hand, gesturing to the ice rink. Sayu watched him worriedly for a moment, before smiling and going along with it, deciding to count her blessings that he was here and alive at all.

They skated—Light was fumbling, trying to get his balance, and it led to the two siblings holding onto each other. Eventually, Light stumbled as they were getting off the rink, and Sayu extended a hand to help him. 

Light laughed, taking her hand. Then he froze, same with Nikkei and Misa, who were here too, as Light placed a hand on his lips. 

He had laughed. For months, he had barely been capable of making a sound like that, but the laugh he displayed now was... almost like he wasn't mute.

Misa hugged him, overjoyed at the progress, and Nikkei explained to Sayu how huge even the slightest amount of laughter was.

"Wait, that means he's closer to speaking again!" Sayu beamed, and Light smiled sheepishly, not knowing at what point he had been able to do that. He hadn't seen a reason to genuinely laugh in a long time. 

"We gotta celebrate!" Misa cheered, dragging the four of them to a restaurant. After getting drinks, Sayu looked to Light,

"Light, you're going to come home now? We'll go back together, and I'll tell Mom and Dad I have a surprise for them and—" Light shook his head,

**"No... I wanted to see you. Only you. I know it's hard to ask, but please keep the secret that I'm alive."**

"What?!" Sayu asked when she read the note, "Why?! Hasn't Misa told you how bad things have gotten?"

 **"No. I asked Misa not to tell me."** Light replied on his notepad. Sayu looked borderline hysterical at her brother's stubbornness because she only knew that L's treatment of her brother had pushed him over the edge, nothing about their father's involvement.

"Everyone is a wreck! Dad is insistent you will come home, he's given up on everything, waiting by the window to see you come home, that this was all a nightmare!" Sayu sobbed, "Mom... she doesn't go out, doesn't smile, at night she cries herself to sleep. I've been working as hard as I can to avenge your death, only to find out you've been alive this whole time. Why, Light?" She asked, her stare making Light shrink down.

But he supposed this was fair. Sayu didn't know what had happened, how broken he was. To her, this looked unreasonable, and he knew that. It had been too much to ask for her to keep the secret. The only way for her to understand would be to dirty her opinion of their father. 

He wrote down, **"Sayu... do you know why I'm mute?"**

"L's treatment of you."

**"Yes and no. See, L had a test to see if I was Kira. He had Dad pretend to shoot me. Even if I know it was fake now, all I see when I look at Dad now is that anger in his eyes back then and him telling me I would see him in hell. I can't trust him, because from where I stand, he would betray me for justice. But please don't let my experiences change your opinion of him."**

Sayu read the note, she was trembling and looked to Misa, "I-Is this true? Is Dad really..." Wordlessly, Misa nodded,

"Yes. Believe me, Sayu, if this hadn't happened, I would have brought him home to you. But he's finally recovering when he's away." 

"I'm sure Dad was just trying to clear your name," Sayu insisted, mostly to herself, "Light, if you saw the way he is now, you would know without a doubt that he would never hurt you."

 **"If he knows I'm alive... he might kill me, see that as proof that I really am Kira."** Sayu scoffed,

"This is Dad. All he wants is for you to be okay. I'm sorry, Light, I need to tell them." He grabbed her hand frantically, pleading with her, but Sayu shook her head, "Light, we're going to be a family again, you'll see." She broke herself out of Light's grip and ran off. Misa bolted after her, but Light knew it was too late.

“I’m sure she’s not trying to hurt you, Light.” Nikkei tried to assure, “She doesn’t understand.”

Light, ignoring his body’s protest, broke into a sprint towards the apartment, trying to pack a bag and leave, to get away before his father found and killed him. Sayu was wrong, this was not going to be joyful.

He was thankful the apartment was only a couple blocks away, so it didn’t take long to get there and start packing.

Light stopped in his tracks at the sound of a thunderclap outside. When had it started raining? But he was more concerned by the knock he heard at the door around the same time. It wasn’t Nikkei, who would just let himself in since it was his apartment.

”Light? Are you there?” That voice... it couldn’t be...

Curiously, Light opened the door, and found himself face to face with a soaked and nervous L.


	31. Chapter 31

He stared at L. L stared at him.

His cheeks were tinged pink with cold, his dark hair ruffled—a little longer than when he had seen him so long ago, now reaching his shoulders—and he honestly looked freezing as he stood there in the crisp winter air in the downpour. 

In his eyes, he saw the doubt there. And Light knew that one gesture from him, and L would walk away. That if he shut the door, he'd go and not push it.

He had been about to run, buy a plane ticket to anywhere, go to the airport, and Sayu would have no way of proving he was alive. He was using his phone to buy that ticket to... Seattle, Washington. Alright, it sounded interesting.

Still, the flight was in a few hours, and he was glad he was using Misa's bank account. She would be able to find him, and she was rich enough that he could afford to jump on a flight at extremely short notice.

He stepped aside, holding the door open for L, and he could have sworn he felt a pulse of knee-wobbling relief from the detective.

He turned to the kitchen, **"You must be hungry. I'll heat something up."**

L straightened, "You'd…make me food?"

 **"Heat."** He turned back to L with a strained smile, **"You and I both know I can't cook."** It didn't seem to make a difference. But whatever it was, the act of offering food… he put some ramen in the microwave.

L lingered in the living room, watching his every move. He said hoarsely, "Thank you. I know you didn't want to see me, I just... Matsuda said I should try talking to you."

Honestly, Light wasn't sure what shocked him more about that statement. L was acknowledging boundaries, and had only come because of Matsuda? When the hell had L started listening to Matsuda? And why did L look like a human being right now?

Honestly, Light had a hard time seeing the quirky emotionless detective in the man nervously standing in front of him. The only way he knew it was L was his posture, the bags under his eyes, and his voice. But his hair was longer, his clothing was different than usual, and he was wearing shoes even while indoors. That last one unnerved him, because of how un-L-like it was. Then he realized L hadn't taken off his boots, meaning he was ready to leave at any time. He also had color on his face in favor of the frightfully pale pigmentation he usually had.

Light stared at the ramen, handing one to L, curious as to if he would eat it or ask for sweets. He was starting to worry this wasn't L when the detective graciously accepted the food and started eating.

Light looked nervously through the window, fearing Nikkei would show up and find out about the flight. And now he didn't know what to do. He wanted to talk to L, yearned to try, but he also needed to catch that flight before his father was on his ass, trying to kill him.

"Do you have somewhere to be?" L asked, noticing the suitcase. Light shrugged, grabbing his notepad, writing down a message for L to read, "A flight to Seattle? Why?"

**"I made a mistake in letting Sayu know I'm alive, she said she's going to tell Dad, and I can't take it. I've just barely gotten off cutting, but I'm losing control of the situation, and I have to get out of here before..."**

He saw L smile a tiny bit reading the note, "I'm glad you're getting off that." He looked up, "Hey... I know we don't have the best history, but I know somewhere you could go. Your father would never find you. Only those who you want to know your location would, and I can make sure it stays that way."

That actually sounded... really nice. And if Light and L were going to try repairing their friendship, this could be a good start. But that meant... he should have thought about the fact he would need to at the very least take long-term leave from his job. Never had he thought he would find himself working at an izakaya and sad about the idea of quitting. 

But his father... if he found him again, resignation from a job was the last thing he had to worry about. He would be forced away. Besides, Light was sure his friends would understand, and they could keep in contact.

**"Where would this place be?"**

L smiled, "The place Watari took me. I hope you're okay with going to England."

OoOoO

"You're going back to England?" Matsuda asked as L was packing his bags. L nodded,

"I'll be coming back, switching between the two. Do you want to come with me?" L stuffed the Death Note in one of his bags, hoping that this would be a way to displaying trust towards Light. That, and he wanted to keep Ryuk around.

Matsuda beamed, before shrinking down, "I want to go, if that's okay. Honestly, I can't lie to the chief, so if he confronts me, I'll cave. For Light's sake, it's smarter."

"Agreed. It's a good thing you moved in with me." Yes, they had become official roommates, for the sake of Matsuda not having to walk over in the middle of the night.

Matsuda started packing a bag, and his phone rang. It was the chief, he nervously picked up the phone, "Hey, Chief." L didn't know what was being said, but he assumed it was about Light, which was confirmed by Matsuda's expression.

"Light? C-Chief, I'm pretty sure he's dead. I mean, we were working on a case involving someone who looked like Light, but we realized it wasn't him, maybe that's who Sayu saw—oh, I gotta go, bye!" He hung up, "I said too much!"

"We can salvage this," L assured, dragging his suitcase, "Come on, Matsuda, we need to meet Light at the airport. Roger should have a private jet ready."

"I've never been in a private jet!"

"Now, you will." L sighed as Matsuda drove them to the airport, "I haven't thoroughly talked to Light... I'm not sure I can..."

"Relax, Misa-Misa told me he's getting better, and now you know he's working to stop cutting. And at Wammy's, you'll have plenty of time."

"Well... I'll have to take up the L title and find my successors to make sure they aren't dead in a ditch somewhere. Will I have time?"

"If you don't, I'll help you make time, or since Misa's coming with us, the three of us can look around London while you work and meet you somewhere around dinner."

L sighed, looking out the window, "Why are you so nice to me? We have known each other for a little over a year, most of that time I treated you like crap, and now you're choosing me or the chief who you see as a mentor." Matsuda shrugged,

"You're a good man underneath it all, you just needed some time interacting with people and not being taught to be above the little things. Maybe I'll see more of how you grew up when we get to London. As much as I care about the chief, Light needs to be farther along in recovery for a reunion to go well."

"You'll certainly see that atmosphere." L nodded to himself, "And I agree about Light. Maybe some time away from Japan will do him good. I hope it does because I don't know what will happen if it doesn't." He felt a hand on his, and he looked down, the aspect of contact to show affection still being a new concept.

"I'll be here for you regardless, Lawli." L fought the smile that threatened to emerge at the nickname but didn't have to for long because they arrived at the airport and quickly made their way to an exclusive runway with the private jet, where Light was waiting. 

L subtly tapped Light with a piece of the Death Note, unsure if he could see Ryuk or not. Light's eyes widened upon seeing the Shinigami, and Misa actually screamed. Once she got herself together, she looked to L,

"Should we get going?"

"Yes," L said, seeing Light was ready to go, "I believe so."


	32. Chapter 32

Misa and Light were gawking at the private jet, which made L chuckle a bit as he sat down. It was his private jet, so he took off his shoes, wincing at the sudden relief.

Not long after they saved Light from Mikami, Matsuda had noticed something in L's feet and took him to a doctor, who revealed the arches in L's feet had collapsed, and it made sense why he avoided shoes, which would typically bring pain. He had been given orthotics to put in his boots to fix the damage, and the podiatrist had criticized him for not coming in during childhood when it happened. But in truth, he tried to avoid his earliest memories with all he had, so he didn't remember if there was a moment he wondered if something was collapsing in his feet.

What he did know was that he had grown accustomed to the pain whenever shoes were involved and taught himself foot massages to deal with it. Eventually, he had decided that if shoes caused the pain, why try wearing them when there was the option to hide indoors to solve the cases and ignore the issue.

So now it was weird, especially the requirement that he had to wear the orthotics starting at an hour and building up. The last two months, he wore the shoes for almost all daylight hours, but holy mother of all that was good it _hurt_ after a certain amount of time. According to the doctor, that was unfortunately normal, seeing as his feet had been badly damaged for nearly twenty years.

He sucked in a breath as his aching feet adjusting to being free of the confines of shoes and massaged them quietly. Misa cocked her head,

"So, you haven't changed as much as I thought you did."

"I have, but I would also rather not have my feet in agony." He saw the odd look Light had, so he dug into his shoe and pulled out the orthotic. Light nodded, seeming to understand, and his expression said, "That explains a lot."

L looked up, "Oh, I forgot to ask if you guys wanted anything. There isn't much besides candy and maybe pretzels, but I might as well offer." Misa went to the little pantry and saw the pretzels, grabbing some for herself and Light. Matsuda had already fallen asleep peacefully.

"What's Matsu doing here?" Misa asked, and L smiled,

"He's my friend, and we figured he won't be able to lie to Mr. Yagami. Besides, he wanted to see where I grew up." Light grabbed his notepad,

**"What's it like there?"**

"Can't say, many things have changed since I was there for longer than a day. I do know that improvements have been made into the wellbeing of the children after the incidents in Gen 1."

"Incidents?" Ryuk asked, munching on an apple.

L hesitated before answering quietly, "One committed suicide, and the other became a serial killer." Light bit his lip, but he didn't attempt communication. But it was unspoken, and both Light and Misa were worried. L sighed, "It's going to be a long flight. I have movies, but usually, I work on these flights. I apologize for not preparing."

Misa's eyes widened, "Who are you, and what have you done with the weird pervert who tortured us?" L flinched, knowing he had no right to deny what she was saying, except for that pervert thing—the only reason she thought that was because he had to touch her while stealing her phone, but he would prefer to let her not realize he had 'borrowed' from her before arresting her.

"I am still L, but what happened was what you would call a life-changing experience, or having the life I had known for years harshly taken from me. Or perhaps it was seeing what I had done to my first friend, which made me realize I had to change."

He saw something change on Light's face, but there were so many emotions there that L took a moment to pinpoint one specific feeling, and that was shock, but then there was... guilt? Why would Light be guilty? If anyone was innocent in this situation, it was Light, the victim. 

Ryuk groaned, "So we have nothing to do?"

"Um..." L grabbed one of his self-help books and flipped through it for a solution to his problem, which would last the next thirteen hours, and he doubted Matsuda would sleep that long, "Small talk, games, uh..."

"When's your birthday?" Misa asked, "Light's is in two days, and I have plans for it." Light tensed, blushing a little. L noticed that the blush was genuine. Had Light truly started falling for Misa? L hadn't expected that. He didn't think Misa was Light's type, but it made sense with what they had been through together, and how supportive she was.

Now that he was able to see them together for the first time in months, their dynamic had changed. Initially, it seemed Misa was clingy, and Light didn't know what to do about it and had tried to let her down easy, and it didn't work. Now, they were at the very least real friends, but the way they were looking at each other implied they were more. Misa also wasn't clinging to Light, she was sitting comfortably next to him with a healthy amount of personal space. 

"Halloween." He answered truthfully, "Happy birthday to me, I got an epiphany, and everything I knew was thrown on its head."

Misa and Light both gaped before Misa chuckled, but it was clearly forced, "It would have been polite of the Shinigami to wait a week."

L shook his head, "In truth if it weren't for Watari's death, I would say that was the best thing to ever happen to me." He got up, getting some skittles and sitting down, but his knees weren't pulled to his chest, there was no need for deductive reasoning here. "It was good for Light too. Both of us started new lives, and Light got time to recover, and only when our pasts came back to bite us did we reunite. But what would have happened if this didn't happen? Light would have been trapped in the Yagami household, possibly deteriorating further. I would be... well... there's a high chance nothing would have changed, and I wouldn't have gotten the chance to learn more about how friendship and social interaction in general work."

Light nodded, writing on the notepad, **"I guess you're right. When you put it that way, it sounds like a blessing in disguise. I don't know what would have happened if I stayed with my family."**

L's brain decided to be cruel and imagined a future where they hadn't "died," and Light just got worse and worse, thinner with bags under his eyes, face gaunt, skin wan. Until eventually, he couldn't handle the stress and constant fear, killing himself, and there was no fluke in the death system to stop it.

He shuddered at the idea of such a future, especially when he knew he would have grieved, but not grown from it. 

Eating another skittle, he turned and noticed there was paper, pens, a box, and plenty of candy. He grinned,

"How about we make a game?"

OoOoO

By the time the plane landed, Light, Misa, L, Matsuda, and Ryuk had created their own board game, using skittles as game pieces.

L put his shoes back on and set their game on the table, grabbing his bag and helping Light and Misa grab theirs.

"Come on, we're in London now, and Wammy's is an hour and a half drive away." There was already a driver waiting for them, and they put their bags in the trunk.

Almost immediately after they got in the car, L's phone rang, "Yes?" 

_"L, we've got a problem."_ It was Aizawa.

"Let me guess, Light is missing. He's here with me, in England. Matsuda and Misa are here too, and the Shinigami."

_"That's a relief. The chief knows Light is alive and is going to do anything to find him. For Light's sake, I'm glad he's not there right now because it would be effortless for him to get the wrong idea to his father's motivation."_

L tensed, turning to Light, who was clearly curious and afraid about the nature of the phone call. L put it on speaker,

"Aizawa, does Mr. Yagami know that I am alive, or just Light?"

_"Only Light from what I can tell, but it won't take much for him to realize you are too. L, I'm pretty sure the chief is going to kill you if he learns you've taken his son."_

"I have no doubt about that. But by no means is Light my prisoner. He can return to Japan or go somewhere else whenever he wants to. And Light will be nineteen tomorrow, so this means Mr. Yagami is legally forbidden from bringing Light home without it counting as kidnapping. Even if he finds out that we're in England, he wouldn't know exactly where we will be, and that will give us time to leave if needed. You, Mogi, and Ide make sure none of Light's friends at work get hurt during this." He hung up and saw Light was hugging himself, hyperventilating.

"Light, here," Misa handed Light a little cat toy, which also looked something like a stress ball and judging by the way Light was squeezing it, functioned like one too. It was cute and clearly worked enough that Light wasn't turning on himself. It didn't stop the tears falling, though. Misa held Light's hand which wasn't in a cast, helping his breathing return to normal.

"They won't get hurt, Light," she assured him softly, "I promise."

Light was still shaking, and L wasn't sure if it was subconscious or not, but the young man's head ended up resting on L's shoulder. Probably because it was more comfortable instead of leaning significantly to do so with Misa. L smiled, and quietly sang part of a song Watari had sung to him during moments of anxiety,

_"Even when the dark comes crashing through_

_When you need a friend to carry you_

_And when you're broken on the ground._

_You will be found_

_So let the sun come streaming in._

_'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again_

_Lift your head and look around_

_You will be found."_

He noticed Light's eyes water, but it wasn't long before his breathing evened out, and he drifted off to sleep.

Misa gaped, "I'm not sure who's more of a wizard, L for pulling Light out of a panic attack and getting him to sleep afterward, or Matsu for changing L." Matsuda shrugged,

"He did that himself, I just needed to give him a push in the right direction." L smiled at Matsuda and looked down at Light, 

"We'll be at Wammy's soon. From there? I guess it's going to be an adventure."

Ryuk laughed in the very back seat, "Sounds so interesting."


	33. Chapter 33

Light slept relatively peacefully through the whole drive to Wammy's House. L supposed that made sense since Matsuda was the only one who slept on the plane, and jetlag was bound to be hitting him and the other Japan natives pretty hard. L was basically immune to jetlag after spending years bouncing from place to place to solve cases. Time was merely an illusion, and he didn't sleep anyway, so why would it matter. It was almost noon in Japan right now, while it was three in the morning in England.

Tomorrow was Light's birthday. He wondered if he should get him something, but it was at this moment he realized he didn't know what Light would want. As of now, that seemed to be using L's shoulder as a pillow, which, given how bony his shoulders were, didn't sound all too comfortable, but Light didn't seem to mind.

Misa, Ryuk, and Matsuda were playing I-Spy while Light slept because, according to Misa, Light irrationally hated that game with a passion. Hence, they took advantage of his slumber to amuse themselves to pass the time.

L had never needed something in front of him to be entertained, usually spending the time in his own mind. Right now, he was contemplating what to do. It would be a while before Light came to terms with the fact there were no tests to see if he was Kira or not. 

When L thought about it, even if Light had been Kira at some point... he knew he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do anything about it. Light had been through enough to consider atonement for those crimes, and L owed him a life debt for taking a bullet for him.

But it still bothered him _why_ he had honed in on Light. Hindsight showed Light had zero connection to Higuchi or Mikami before being part of the case. But something didn't feel right... either he was losing his touch, or there was a piece to the puzzle he was missing. The only thing he could think of was that Light was one of the people Raye Penber had been investigating, but that hadn't been a deciding factor in previous cases.

It wasn't that he wanted Light to be Kira, on the contrary, but he wanted to know what connection Light had had to make him a suspect. For the life of him, L couldn't place one. Seeing Higuchi's lifestyle, and Mikami's routine in a different part of town than Light had lived, it was unlikely Light had met them even in passing. But the Kira case was over until another Shinigami got bored, so he knew he would be walking on a tightrope if he wanted to find out, and Light would be the one to fall into the abyss if L slipped up.

There was a chance Light would understand L wanting to go back and reflect on that mistake to learn from it, but there was an even higher chance he would take this as L revealing he was still suspicious, and his progress would go in the wrong direction. But L really did want to go back to understand and learn, meaning he would have to do it in secret, which would be even worse if discovered. 

Maybe part of him had imagined what he had hoped his nemesis to be and noticed Light had fit the bill—confident, brilliant, strong if not a slightly warped sense of justice. Perhaps he had reflected what he _wanted_ Kira to be onto Light. He hoped that wasn't the case, but feared it was. 

Wammy's House was far enough away from the city that there was little light-pollution obscuring the view of the stars. It was pretty, and he realized just how much he had missed seeing stars.

After another half hour of driving, they arrived at the orphanage. L gently nudged Light awake, and the young man blinked a few times blearily, making a rather adorable drowsy kitten impression.

"We're here, Light. There's a room ready for you and Misa to share if that's okay. I'll talk to Roger at a reasonable hour." Light had been smart and hadn't slept on the flight so he would be reasonably tired and adjust to the time change faster. Matsuda was going to be up for a while. Misa was debatable because she had chugged a moderate amount of coffee.

Light nodded, and they all got out of the car and grabbed their bags, shivering at the chilly England air. Roger was waiting for them, shocked at the sight of L,

"You really are alive. You... you look different."

"Yes, I have been living with my friend for months." He shook Roger's hand, "Thank you for letting us stay."

"Of course. After all, Quillish entrusted his money partially to you, so I suppose you are co-owner of the establishment." L nodded, turning to his companions, 

"Come along." They walked through the orphanage, and L smiled, feeling a sense of being at home. He showed Light and Misa to their room first, so Light could go back to sleep like he clearly wanted to. "Good...too early?" That got a chuckle out of everyone as Light and Misa went into their room, and L guided Matsuda to his bedroom. "You have your own room."

"What about you?" Matsuda asked, and L gestured to the room just across the hall,

"That's my bedroom. The door's unlocked, and do you want me to take Ryuk, or can you handle him?" Matsuda took the Death Note out of L's bag,

"I can take him. Remember to actually sleep." Matsuda narrowed his eyes, before laughing and ruffling L's hair, "See you at a reasonable hour." He walked into his room and shut the door, leaving L alone to enter his old bedroom, which was much cleaner than he had left it. They had probably cleaned it, believing he was dead.

Thankfully, it seemed Roger had put all his stuff back in the room instead of in storage where it used to be, so it didn't take long for L to find some old books. But instead, he walked onto the balcony—the only room beside Roger's to have a terrace and looked at the courtyard with a small smile. He really felt like he was home for the first time in over a year. Japan was beautiful, but L knew England would always be a special place for him. He had a feeling Misa would be taking Light into London for his birthday, and he was excited for Light to experience the things L had grown up with.

But even with the happiness and nostalgia he felt, there was also noticeable sorrow. Watari had brought him here all those years ago, raised him. 

He felt a tear fall down his face, and he looked up at the stars, letting himself pretend Watari was watching over him, "I wish you were here, Watari. I've been working to be a better person, and Matsuda's been great, but I miss you." 

He turned when he heard the door open and gasped when he saw Near was there. The boy's eyes were red as though he had been crying, and he was holding one of his robot toys. 

Near froze at the sight of L, backing away slowly, and he rubbed his eyes before staring again. Then he pinched himself. 

"Hello, Nate. What are you doing up this late?" Near was so small, thirteen years of age, but looking no older than ten. But there was a brilliant mind underneath. That didn't change the fact he shouldn't be up so late.

Near was silent, staring at him with wide eyes, and L realized he probably hadn't been given the news about his actual status of being alive, meaning he thought he was dreaming.

"It's me, Near. It's L."

"You can't be." Near whispered, "L was killed."

"I was, but I lived. The details are hard to explain at four in the morning. But you didn't tell me what you're doing up."

Near hesitantly walked onto the balcony with him, not looking convinced in the slightest, "Tell me something only L would know. What are you afraid of?" 

"Monsters." L answered softly, remembering the Q&A Near was referring to before he had even started the Kira case. He remembered what he had said, and meant it to this day, "There are many types of monsters that scare me: Monsters who cause trouble without showing themselves, monsters who abduct children, monsters who devour dreams, monsters who suck blood... and then, monsters who tell nothing but lies. Lying monsters are a real nuisance: they are much more cunning than others. They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart; they eat even though they've never experienced hunger; they seek friendship even though they do not know how to love. If I were to encounter such monsters, I would likely be eaten by them... because, in truth, I am that monster." Sure, he was getting better, but this was undeniably the truth, at least it was nearly two years ago.

Near's eyes began to water, his lip quivering. It was strange to see the usually stoic boy so vulnerable, but he knew Near was young. Near hugged him tightly, crying a little.

"I-I thought..." L picked the boy up,

"It's okay, Near, I'm okay. Kira's gone, both of them." Near looked up, and their identical grey eyes met.

"Kira's gone?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I placed a burden on you by not stopping the message or correcting it sooner. But seriously, why are you awake right now?"

"I..." Near looked away, "I come in here when I'm upset, because... I missed you."

"I missed you and Mello too. Come on, let's get you back to bed."

"Can I stay with you?" Near asked quietly, and L smiled, setting his young successor on his bed, tucking him in,

"Don't tell Mello, or he's gonna want to join in." Near was oddly silent for a moment, as L changed into some pajamas and got in bed, holding the boy he considered like a little brother close to him.

OoOoO

It was around ten in the morning when everyone grabbed a late breakfast. Light was clearly the only one not suffering from extreme jetlag. Misa and Matsuda were looking for dinner options. L would eat whatever kind of food he wanted whenever he wanted, so this didn't bother him in the slightest, eating breakfast foods. Though Roger had looked ready to die if a heart attack, seeing the odd young detective eating scrambled eggs and pancakes with only a reasonable amount of syrup. 

Once he was done, L cleaned his plate before putting it in the dishwasher, "So, Roger, where is Mello? I saw Near, and he slept with me, but I haven't seen Mello anywhere."

Roger tensed, "Well, L, you see... maybe we should discuss this in my office."

...

Light sat outside the office, while Matsuda and Misa were covering the ears of a curious Near and Matt.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, ROGER!?" They heard L shouting, much more vulgar and passionate than he would usually be in any other situation, "HE WASN'T EVEN FIFTEEN YET, AND YOU LET HIM GO OUT INTO THE WORLD _ALONE_?! WHAT KIND OF CARETAKER ARE YOU?!" A momentary silence, before, "I DON'T CARE THAT HE'S STUBBORN, THAT'S AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD OF TAKING CARE OF GENIUSES!"

From what Light had gathered from what he could hear of this conversation, Mello had left Wammy's House after hearing about L's death, before he was even fifteen, and Roger just let it happen. Light's stomach was in knots, knowing that if he hadn't tried to kill L, that message wouldn't have been sent, and a child wouldn't be potentially dead in a ditch. And seeing as it seemed Mello had left immediately after hearing of L's death, even if L had come to disprove the message, the damage had been done.

Light had his knees pulled up to his chest, hugging them close and trying not to cry. _This is my fault. My fault...My fault..._

L came out of the office in a huff, his face slightly red, and he honestly looked terrifying with how truly livid he was at this moment. But upon seeing two of his successors, with one being _barely_ fifteen and the other thirteen, L managed to calm himself. "Alright, kids, we are going to London to work on the case to find Mello and hope he hasn't joined the mafia or something equally insane." He turned to his friends, "Sorry we're leaving so soon, but I am dangerously close to doing you-know-what to Roger, so I think I need a moment to cool off."

The three who knew what L was referring to—the Death Note—were unnerved that anything could make L _that_ angry. Ryuk just laughed.

Near and Matt looked up at their mentor. Near looked nervous, and Matt looked excited, "We get to explore the city?" Matt asked, and L nodded,

"Yes." L turned to Light, "I hope you don't mind that I'm going to need to spend time finding Mello."

**"Not at all. Actually, it could be a good way to get my mind off things. Solving cases is fun."**

L smiled as he watched Light's hand signals, "I'm glad." 

To Light's surprise, both Matt and Near seemed to understand what he was saying. Matt just had a look of understanding, and Near downright replied in sign language,

"You don't talk?" 

**"No. I'd rather not talk about the circumstances. I recently managed to laugh again, but words still elude me. I'm not deaf, only mute."** He was glad the two boys could understand him because his cast for his other hand was supposed to come off tomorrow—happy birthday, he wouldn't need to put up with that anymore—so he could communicate with his hands again, and now L's successors understood him. 

It was comforting, knowing he wouldn't need to worry about anyone in their little party not understanding him on the off chance he didn't have a pen for his notepad. Even Matsuda was learning because L had been teaching him. Matsuda wasn't fluent, but he could get the gist of what was being said. Misa understood enough of their secret language to also have an idea.

"So, we're getting back in the car?" Matsuda asked, and L shrugged,

"I guess. Do you want a hotel or a flat? I have the funds for either indefinitely."

"Hotel." Everyone agreed, knowing they might be gone for a while, and might as well let this be something like a vacation.


	34. Chapter 34

Because L was the only one who knew his way around London, Matsuda was sitting in the passenger seat, coaching his friend on driving. He had been practicing for months, but it was still unnerving. Light watched and was amused to see L so confused, it was proof he really had changed.

Near was playing with his toy, and Matt was playing video games on what looked to be a Gameboy. Misa was looking on her laptop for places to go in London, and Ryuk was not in the car, instead flying above.

Other than Misa occasionally showing him locations and asking if he was interested, Light was left to his thoughts, and he was currently debating whether they should show L's two successors the Death Note. It would make things less confusing, that was for sure, so they would be able to see Ryuk. But there was a chance that even if L was genuine on dropping the case against Light, his successors might pick it back up. He wasn't too worried about that with Matt or Near, per se, but what about Mello? He knew very little about the runaway orphan, so for all he knew, this could lead to disaster.

If one of his successors did start trying to prove Light was formerly Kira and somehow got enough evidence, would L come to his defense? It bothered him. He wanted to know what was going on in the detective's head on the topic of Light's former alter ego.

His mind drifted further, and he remembered he hadn't even chosen the name, Kira. What would he have chosen? He didn't know, because he could barely remember his thought process back then. But he should have known, because that name translated to "killer," that the people really thought of him, not as a savior but as a murderer. _That_ should have been the clue he needed to snap out of it before L even appeared. 

He had been the owner of the Death Note, it had been his choice to pick it up, to keep going once he knew it was for real, to kill those FBI agents and Naomi Misora in cold blood, to use Misa as nothing more than a tool. And even when he had lost his memories, and then regained them with trauma added on, he had manipulated Rem into trying to kill L, tried to be Kira again, and gave Mikami the Death Note in the first place. Even if he hadn't been in control of Mikami's actions, the blood of those people, including the smallest of crimes like jaywalking, was on Light's hands.

_Kira is—I am a monster._

Perhaps it would be best to come clean. But execution... it was selfish of Light, and he knew it, that he didn't want to die like that. Not a rope, and not a gun to the head. Even thinking about a firearm made his mind flashback to his father, pointing that gun at his head, and his mostly-healed bullet wounds tingled a tad bit in memory.

He was a coward. As fun as this trip would hopefully be, there was no denying he was running away from his father, even though Sayu had insisted she just wanted to make their family whole again. He was hiding a secret L had a right to know the truth to, only for his own self-preservation. 

He didn't like the idea of L thinking he had lost his touch when, in reality, he had been spot on. L's only issue was the fact he hadn't realized Light wasn't Kira at the time when the mock execution happened and until he made contact with the Death Note again. In hindsight, Light knew he deserved the way L had treated him, he just wished he had had his memory back then so he would know the reason why.

He squeezed the cat toy in his hands, trying to force himself out of his self-loathing. It was too late to change the past, and he had to focus on getting better. Thoughts like this would chase him back to the knife.

219 days he had been mute. 176 days since he made that first mark with the pencil, which led to a downward spiral of increasing his self-harm to the point he would have countless scars littering his body for the rest of his life.

Light gasped quietly when he saw Near's tiny hand on his. The white-haired boy gazed up at him curiously with grey mirror-like eyes so identical to L that Light wondered if there was a genetic connection between the two.

**"Yes?"**

Near didn't say anything, merely gazing at him as though trying to figure something out. Light figured he was trying to learn as much about the people with his mentor as he could. 

...

From the moment they got in the car, Near had been analyzing everyone with L. 

His observations showed L had become very close to Matsuda, who acted almost like an older brother to the detective. L only had a basic idea of how to drive, and panicked easily, which was easy to tell by the number of times the vehicle had suddenly lurched when L slammed on the breaks too quickly. Misa had never been to England before, was wealthy, and she was worried about Light, trying to keep him engaged and keep him from drifting into his thoughts, but those efforts stopped working about forty-five minutes in.

Light fascinated Near. He noticed from the way that the young man had a slight limp and wore long sleeves that something had happened. There were no visible injuries on his neck, so his muteness was likely psychological. The empty and broken look in his eyes supported the idea he had been through a traumatic experience that left him physically and mentally scarred. But why was L helping this man and seemed much more concerned? Was Light a detective alongside L during the Kira case who was severely injured?

Curious, he pulled up part of Light's sleeve when he wasn't paying attention. He saw the start of scars from what used to be near-lethal cuts. Either he was a self-harmer, or he had been tortured, or both. If he had been tortured, that would explain the mutism. 

However, that didn't explain the apparent guilt in Light's eyes. Why would he be guilty if he was tortured, rendering him blameless? Unless it was self-harm. Near didn't know yet since he hadn't seen those cuts fully and doubted he ever would. 

What he did know, was that something was going on with Light Yagami, it happened during the Kira case, and L was for some reason guilty about it. He knew he would ask L as soon as they were alone, and if that didn't provide an answer, he would do some research.

OoOoO

They checked in at the Baglioni Hotel, getting a large suite with three bedrooms, all with a bathroom, and a large living area. Obviously, this was the most expensive room, but the combined power of L and Misa's bank accounts meant they could live here for the rest of their lives if desired.

Immediately after checking in, L got out the computers, connected to the WiFi, and started looking for any leads on Mello. Misa, Light, Matt, and Matsuda were at a small store buying a ton of snacks to hold them over since room service took forever. 

Misa wanted to take Light to Harrods tomorrow, and L was okay with that, and he kind of wanted to go with them, but his first priority was finding Mello.

"What happened to Light?" L turned and saw Near sitting down next to him on another computer, "Was he tortured? Is that why he is mute?"

L hesitated, not sure it was any of his business to be telling Near what happened. They already reluctantly agreed to show Matt and Near the Death Note, and Ryuk was pushing it. But telling Near why Light was mute...

"Yes. Light was tortured," that would be easy to figure out if Light ever took his shirt off, so no point hiding that, "But that happened long after he became mute."

"How long has he been mute?"

"219 days." Near began typing on his computer,

"According to the files you sent alongside your death message, you had someone detained roughly around that time. Was that Light?" L was silent, and Near had his answer. 

"Light isn't Kira." Was what L said, knowing now that Near was going to find out one way or another about Light being a former suspect, and might as well make sure he didn't end up on the Light being Kira bandwagon by accident, "I was wrong about him, and his mental health paid the price. That's all I will say, Light has the right to decide when or if to tell you the rest when he's ready."

"Judging by the way you're somewhat nervous around him and willingness to help him recover, am I right in assuming his mutism was your fault to a degree?" 

At that moment, L briefly wished his successor wasn't so damn smart. Near had figured out the gist of the situation already, and all talking to L was achieving was confirmation. He knew Near wasn't going to figure out the events of the mock execution without more context—and in hindsight, that mock execution had no point to it whatsoever besides ruining Light's life. Even if Light was Kira, he didn't have the Death Note in his possession at the time, and his hands were tied behind his back, so he couldn't have even if he did have the notebook.

"Trust me, Nate," L sucked in a breath, using the boy's real name to get through to him, "You don't want to know what happened to Light. I wish _I_ didn't know. It's going to be a long time before he's ready to explain it, so don't push it. Light's biggest trigger is not being in control of a situation involving him, and I fear I've already told you too much. Have you found anything on Mello?"

"Nothing yet. Considering how little Mello had in the way of personal belongings, he would need to get a job or steal to get enough money for a plane ticket. From what I know of him, he would want to go to America to gather allies. That requires... 262 pounds at least. And that would mean he lands in New York, and when it comes to real estate, that is extremely expensive. The cheapest apartments would be 360 pounds per month. That means that he likely stayed in the more rural areas for a while, earning enough money to hold his own. Roger told us of your death on December 5th, and Mello left that night. It's been two months and 22 days."

"There might be a chance he's still in England." L ran his hands through his hair, knowing the chances were slim if Mello had managed to use not-so-legal means of getting money. 

The problem was they had already asked Matt if he'd been in contact with Mello, and at the moment, they had no reason to think Matt was lying when he denied having heard anything from Mello since he left.

He turned when he heard a knock on the door, and room service came in, giving them their orders. L was a little surprised the room service known for taking an hour everywhere else had been only twenty minutes and had beat the other four residents of this room. 

"Thank you." L grabbed two trays of the fish and chips, putting one in front of Near. It was strange working on a case and Watari not just bringing the food to him, and he knew that sometimes he forgot to eat while working on cases and food wasn't next to him and suspected Near to be the same way. That proved to be the case since Near was working on the case, but was subconsciously eating.

He sometimes wondered what Roger had done to this kid who spent his entire life in the orphanage to make Near _so much_ like L. When Watari said the goal of Wammy's House was to make another L, this was not what L thought he meant. It also meant Near would also need lessons on being a human being in society. At this point, L might ask Matsuda if he could be the "reasonable human being" teacher at Wammy's.

So far, L was growing very frustrated, because _why must Mello be a genius damnit I can't find a trail anywhere. He's not Beyond Birthday and leaving a trail of destruction in his—that's it!_

"Near, we should start looking in California as a potential location or goal destination of Mello."

"Sounds good. Any particular reason?" 

"The last time I saw him in person, I told him the story of the LABB murder case. And California has a decent enough crime rate that he could make a living for himself as a P.I, the same way I did in Japan after dying and coming back. If he could get a name for himself there, he might be able to get connections and assuming he's trying to one-up you or solve the Kira case assuming he is unaware, this would benefit him."

Near smiled, "You're right. I'll start looking." 

They both looked up when the door unlocked and saw their friends had come back with bags of snacks, treats, and Light was looking frustrated at a bag Misa was holding but clearly preventing him from looking inside. But he could tell Light understood it was in good nature, and Misa was making it clear. There was probably something for his birthday tomorrow.

Matsuda put down a bag for L and grabbed his plate, "I got you macarons! There are six of every flavor, so we can all try, and we will go get more of our favorites when we go out tomorrow. Mind if I turn on the television?"

"Sure," L decided to try a blue macaron with pink in the center. It seemed to be birthday cake flavored. It was good, not his favorite, but he had no plans of not finishing the treat. 

When Matsuda turned on the television, _Star Wars: A New Hope_ came on. Matt jumped onto the couch and sat next to Matsuda as he ate, and L already knew those two were going to get along very well, which was only confirmed when Matsuda turned,

"I have just met this child, and I will already die for him." He gestured to Matt, who was stuffing his face with chips—or fries depends on where you are in the world. 

Matt swallowed all the food, "Any progress finding Mel?"

"Yes, I have reason to believe he is either in or trying to get to somewhere in California, likely Los Angeles or somewhere close by. I'm not entirely sure, though. We'll look for more leads."

Matsuda put his hands on his hips, "No. If Mello has survived nearly three months, he can deal with you sleeping. L, your bedtime is one in the morning at the latest, but preferably around eleven. Near and Matt, eleven is when I expect you both getting ready for bed."

"What about Light and I?" Misa asked, and Matsuda turned,

"I know I don't need to worry about you two. But the Wammy's Boys are the type to ignore sleep in favor of cases." L rolled his eyes, refusing to admit the truth Matsuda was revealing.

Light finished his food and yawned, messaging them that he was tired and headed to bed. Misa instantly went in with him after finishing her own meal. Matt bounded over to the computers, and L knew within moments of Matt hacking into police stations in California that the redhead was the more tech-savvy of all of them. Ryuk poked Matt, making the boy yelp,

"Ryuk, don't scare me like that, I haven't wrapped my head around Shinigami existing yet, and scaring me out of my skin won't help that. " Ryuk laughed as Matt went back to the computer, "Alright, nothing in San Diego. Matsuda, can you get looking in other cities in England? I'm going to trust Near and L have their own idea already." Matsuda hesitated,

"I'm... I don't know how to hack." Matt stared blankly for a moment, but unlike the task force who would criticize Matsuda's uselessness, Matt brightened and gestured for Matsuda to sit,

"I'll teach you. It isn't hard once you get the hang of it." L chuckled, glad Matsuda was getting along with Matt. Then he looked worriedly towards the hotel door, wondering what Light was doing. At least Misa was with him, meaning he wasn't in any danger from himself or outside forces.

...

After changing into his pajamas, Light crawled into bed, needing a little bit of time to recharge his introvert battery, of needing precious alone time. 

Misa had changed into her own pajamas and looked at him worriedly, "I'm going to head back out so you can have some time alone, but I saw that look in your eyes when we were in the car, that you were thinking about Kira again." She didn't ask him if he was okay because he was sick of that question, but it was clear she wanted to know.

 **"I'm guilty, especially since I will have to write a name every 490 days to keep my memories, as per the rules of the Death Note. If I don't, my memories will return every time I touch L's Death Note, and he will know the truth. But it's so selfish to take a life for the sake of my own self-preservation... just like killing those FBI agents."** He noticed a look cross Misa's face but decided to ignore it. Then she sat down next to him, looking down with a small smile at his hand since they had stopped at a doctor to get the cast removed, deciding a day early didn't hurt. And Light had spent fifteen minutes using soap to scrub his hand and forearm afterward.

"Light, do you know why I fell in love with you?"

**"Because I was Kira?"**

"If that was the case," she now whispered, "I wouldn't have stayed with you without your memories, or now. No, as amazing as you avenging my parents was, I actually fell for you because you wanted to improve the world and wasn't going to wait around for others to permit you to do so. You saw the world needed to change, so you took action. You're a good man, Light, even if you lost your way for a time."

**"I'm not exactly changing the world right now."**

"But you are. Working with L, catching those Kiras who abused the name or went way overboard, and look at your friends at work. They adore you, and you make a difference around the workplace. Yoruko told me things had gotten much better having you around. And once the insanity of your father knowing you're alive dies down, we'll go see them. Baby steps, Light, make sure to let yourself recover, but I can see you using what you've learned and regretted to better yourself and truly make the world a better place. I'll be here with you every step of the way, through thick and thin. I promise. I love you, Light, all of you, and I hope I can help you relearn to love yourself."

Light gave her a shaky smile because these were words he had longed to hear from someone. He ended up crying with his head on her shoulder, but this time he wasn't falling to despair. He was... happy.

Without thinking, he kissed her, then mouthing the words "thank you." It was strange, but after everything they had been through, Misa was the first girl Light kissed and meant it, not for favors or to manipulate her, he actually meant it.

This experience had changed them both, and as painful as it was, some aspects were for the better. Now, they actually were able to work together, not one-sided, and no unhealthy obsessions. Light knew he wouldn't be able to say he loved her, but that was no fault of hers, rather fear of attachment, but she understood and respected that. 

They stayed like that for a moment, holding each other, before Misa got up, "Do you want me to stay, or do you want some alone time?" 

**"Just a little time to myself to regain my energy."**

Misa smiled and went back into the main room. Light laid down on the bed.

_Misa, even if I could talk, I wouldn't be able to describe how grateful I am to you. I can't admit it, but you mean so much to me. I didn't get it before, but now I understand why Rem and Gelus died for you. You made me feel like a human again when I didn't think that possible, that's all I wanted. So thank you, Misa Amane, for everything._


	35. Chapter 35

Aizawa leaned against the wall, seeing the chief was staring at a small cake with an unlit candle on it.

"Happy birthday, Light," Soichiro whispered, getting up and looking at the floor, before slamming down a file in front of Mogi, "Tell me everything you know about Raito Otonokoji's case, such as those he associated with."

"Chief," Aizawa insisted, "You know Light will never forgive himself if his friends get dragged into this. If he doesn't want to be found, you know better than anyone that he will make sure it stays that way." He saw the chief growl, clenching his fist, taking a few deep breaths, which let Aizawa know he was dangerously close to exploding on them again. He still shuddered at the memory of the chief, up and about for the first time in months, screaming at them that they had _known_ that Light was alive, and hadn't told him. 

"My son is out there, and I'm going to find him and bring him home. This is Ryuzaki's fault, and Light needs to know he has it wrong." He opened the case file, "Raito was found alive, but his state isn't mentioned."

Aizawa's stomach clenched, the image of Light covered in cuts, swelling wrist, and two bullet wounds flashed through his mind. Of L, of all people, screaming for Light to stay with them as he lost so much blood.

"It... could have been worse." He replied after thinking over his choice of words carefully, making sure not to lie. After all, Light being _dead_ would have been worse. There were still days Aizawa wondered how Light could have possibly lived and gotten out of it without being at the very least paralyzed, but he decided to count his blessings. But there was no denying Light would be coated in scars for the rest of his life. Would the chief even be able to take it if he saw the combined power of Light's self-harm, the torture at Mikami's hand, and the fact Light took a bullet for L?

Even though he didn't hate L as a person, just the way he did things, he was still shocked Light—a person with more than enough reason to hate L's guts—had saved his life. Maybe Light was more forgiving than he let on, but Aizawa suspected either something had changed while he was living his life as Raito, or that was his way of proving he wasn't Kira. Kira wouldn't go so far to clear his name, especially when he was already on the brink of collapsing.

"Chief," he dared say, "You know Light doesn't want to be found. Otherwise, we would have found something at Misa's apartment. I get it, you want him back. But... shouldn't we trust him? He's a smart kid, and nobody knows him better than himself. He will know when he's ready for something. When I saw him, he was devastated to have been found."

"What if our places were swapped, Aizawa?" Soichiro looked desperate, half-mad, pleading for him to understand. "You would do anything to prove Yumi innocent, and it goes horribly wrong, and you have to watch her slip away, even collapsing from self-inflicted wounds. You know it's understandable for her trust to be shaken, but she can't even be in a room with you without spiraling into a panic attack. And then she dies in your arms, struck down by the enemy he was accused so long of being," Aizawa instantly noticed the swap in pronouns and knew Soichiro was no longer talking about Yumi.

But the chief had a point. If it was Yumi—actually, he would have known Yumi wouldn't be able to handle the mock execution and wouldn't have gone through with it, demanding L find another way. That aside, if he had to watch her slip away, he would be heartbroken, and especially if she died in his arms. Right now, he was able to say he would let her be free if he found out she was alive, but he wasn't in this situation with Yumi, who was still alive and well. If he was honestly experiencing what the chief had been for seven months now, watching Yumi sink deeper into depression, he would do anything to set it right. 

He was glad L had barely confided in him about where exactly he was taking Light. As someone who had seen Light's condition and mental state, he knew Light needed to get away, and a reunion wouldn't end well. But as Soichiro's friend and as a father himself, he knew the other side of the argument, and part of him wanted to say where Light was because if their situations were reversed, he would never forgive anyone who hid Yumi's location from him.

"Chief," Ide piped up, "We don't know where Light is. I doubt anybody does. From what L told us, Sayu said she was going to inform you about Light being alive, and Light fled." They had told the chief about L being alive, and the thing the Shinigami explained about faulty lifespans being the reason for their survival. Honestly, hearing L was alive, and therefore there was no way of using that against Light _and_ L no longer believing Light to be Kira even before Mikami was captured was the happiest anyone had seen the man in months. 

Soichiro ran his hands through his mostly-grey hair, "Does anyone have the number of someone who would know where Light is?" 

"People who might know? Yes. People who would tell us anything? Nope." Mogi said, and while it was true, they all knew Light needed to be the one in control of this.

Soichiro looked at them all and then called Matsuda. _Shit_. Everyone thought, knowing it was unlikely Matsuda would be able to hide anything from the chief. 

Thankfully, the power of a time difference was on their side, because Japan was nine hours ahead, meaning it was one in the morning in England, and there was no way Matsuda was awake. But because Soichiro didn't know where they were, he wouldn't be able to gauge the time difference. But Aizawa did understand that the moment the time difference was discovered, it would be a weapon used to pinpoint Light's location.

But for now, he prayed for the sake of the entire Yagami family, and whatever L was doing would help Light's recovery enough that a reunion won't end in tragedy.

OoOoO

Light was back in front of Mikami's house. He looked around, and everything was the same as that memory. L was here, under the name Yuki Maeda, having only recently been revealed to still be L. The task force was glaring at L, while Matsuda helped Light, dangerously close to falling over due to his injuries, stand.

But then things changed, his father was here, standing above on a rooftop, with a gun pointed at Light,

"Light, my son," he heard the whisper, "From one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell."

The gun went off.

But something was different. In Light's memory, it was a hitman going after L and Light took the bullet by shoving him out of the way.

This time L pushed Light out of the way, taking that bullet to the stomach.

Light screamed, cradling L in his arms as he gasped for air.

And then they were both in task force headquarters, the same moment L had died of a heart attack. Even though Light knew L would be back in an hour, he couldn't wrap his head around it.

As L looked up at him, there was a distinct look of betrayal in his eyes, and only then did Light realize he was grinning fiendishly like a cat about to strike down his prey. No... this wasn't right... this hadn't happened...

As L closed his eyes, still bleeding heavily from the abdomen, and ceased breathing. But with the last of his strength, he had mouthed a word, seen by the task force surrounding them,

_"Kira."_

Light jolted awake in a cold sweat, his breathing frantic and heavy as he raced to the toilet, barely making it before he was unloading the contents of his stomach. His hands gripped the cold porcelain like a lifeline, his entire body trembling.

This wasn't the first time he had had nightmares like this, able to realize this was all wrong but also unable to comprehend he was dreaming, and accepting the horror of what he saw and felt and experienced as a new reality. 

He felt two hands pull his hair back, and Light once again remembered he hadn't gotten his hair cut in a long time, before confinement and mutism and trauma. He probably should have gotten his hair cut once he was able to put his hair in a small ponytail, but it had come in handy as Raito Otonokoji since Light Yagami wouldn't usually let his hair grow out so much.

"Just breathe, Light," Light was shocked to hear L's voice because he had really thought it was Misa. He felt L tracing little figure-eights on his back, and somehow that managed to calm him down. After dry-heaving for a moment to make sure his body was done expelling, he gulped in air, then noticed L was helping him wipe his mouth, then handed him a glass of cold water. "Misa told me you throw up sometimes after nightmares, but waking you up amid one makes it worse. I heard you crying out while Misa went to get your gift, so I came to check on you." L sat down, "Do you want to..."

 **"You died."** Light managed to get out even though his hands were shaking, **"You took the bullet for me, not the other way around."** That was all he was going to reveal, preferring not to think of that hideous smirk he wore in his nightmare. But that begged the question if he was really so cruel as to rub his victory in L's face like _that_ if he hadn't been traumatized. He knew he had wanted to display a little smugness at his success, but ended up crying instead, but regardless, he would never be _that_ wicked... would he?

It still bothered him, the idea that he would have become even more the thing he sought to destroy, and L was a hero for breaking him so severely that he saw the error of his ways. How far would he have gone? Would he... have become like Mikami? No, he shook himself, not that far. He would have never gone that far.

He gasped when he realized L was hugging him.

"Happy birthday, Light. I'm sorry it's had such a horrible start." L helped him up, "Come on, there's food if you think..." Light nodded, because he wasn't sick—well, sick in the head, definitely, but not a stomach virus.

In truth, he wasn't used to having a whole lot of attention on his birthday except in the morning. He had never been the type to want _things_ as gifts, so usually, he was just given money which he saved for a rainy day/buying apples for Ryuk.

Thankfully, the others seemed to realize that, and after quick celebrations and macarons for breakfast because why the hell not, they got to work finding Mello until Misa came back.

"Light, I'm glad those guys got your gift." She held up a small box, and Light gratefully opened it, surprised to find a watch inside. Then his eyes widened as he saw what Misa was messaging him through their secret language, which was beyond confusing for Near and Matt, but L and Matsuda explained the context behind why they used a made-up form of sign language.

"When you started living with Nikkei for a bit, I had this made with your Death Note as a surprise. The strap is made from the cover, and ashes from pieces of the paper are scattered within it. This was Rem's former notebook, so no Shinigami will be visible if others touch it. This way, you will be in constant contact with the notebook, so you never have to write a name again but will still keep your memories. It's also waterproof." 

Light put the watch on, and it was as though a massive weight was lifted off his chest. He would never have to kill again to preserve his memories. He hugged her, laughing a bit, which was still a new thing for him, but the realization Misa had been thinking of him and had someone create this so he wouldn't have to kill meant so much.

"I don't know what you said," Matsuda beamed, "But I think he likes it."

Light went to put on the watch and hesitated when he saw the watch his father had given him so long ago. Then he sighed when he remembered how he had altered this gift for his own selfish purposes, be it hiding pieces of Death Note or broken off parts of a box cutter to cut himself. He felt like an asshole for dirtying a gift like that with his twisted ways. This was another step towards putting Kira behind him, and he hoped his father would understand on the off chance they did end up reuniting.

He changes watches, going into his room to putting the old one in his backpack.

...

L hadn't heard Light laugh in a long time, to the point he didn't remember what it sounded like. But that laugh was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. Maybe it was that pure and raw joy, which was so rare to find in Light ever since that evening L would regret for the rest of his days. 

But he knew, an ample reason he was elated was that laughter was a huge step in the right direction. There was a chance Light would be able to speak again before they hit the one-year mark.

It wasn't that simple, and L knew it, because even if he managed to be able to speak around certain people—Misa would, without a doubt, be the first person—he would still be mute around others for who knows how long.

It had only been seven months since that night of endless regrets. He truly wrapped his head around that fact. A year ago, he had been investigating Light, but had only seen him briefly in person for the test. Light was confident and able to speak. L was the way he had always been. 

They had started their new lives almost four months ago. Everything was going by so fast, yet agonizingly slow all the same. At least Light had been able to kick the cutting for the most part. L had caught on to Light's occasional twitching when he wanted to and noticed Misa had too. But Misa could keep Light calm and happy.

He saw Light go into his room, and L got up and looked out the window at the city below, trying to ignore the pang of jealousy he irrationally felt. He had no right to be jealous of Misa's ability to make Light so happy, not after what he had done. He made his bed, and it was time he lay in it.

He turned when he saw Matsuda squeezing his hand, mouthing, "you okay?" And L nodded,

"I'm fine." Then he mentally kicked himself since the word "fine" was a trigger word of Matsuda's after Light had signaled it so many times, only to be found on the brink in a pool of his own blood after _L's_ fuckup.

And he saw a flame in Matsuda's eyes as he firmly yet gently—to avoid L's parent PTSD—brought him into their shared room. Once they were alone, Matsuda pulled up both of L's sleeves, and L wasn't going to pretend he didn't know what his friend was looking for.

"You're not going to find anything, I don't do that, and I never will. Sorry that I..."

"It's just a word, but every time I hear it..." Matsuda whispered, looking up, "Please, promise me you will never... Light's getting better, but I _can't_ go through that again." His voice cracked, and L looked away,

"I swear on Watari's grave, I will never do that. Besides, the real punishment is living with what I've done. But when Light's better, maybe I can have a little peace of mind." L looked up towards where Ryuk had decided to follow them, "Ryuk, is there a way to go back and fix that mistake?"

"Nope." Ryuk laughed, munching into an apple, "Even if there was, would you really want to do that?"

L thought about it. Light wouldn't be traumatized, but if this hadn't happened, Light and Misa wouldn't have been able to healthily make each other happy, and Light wouldn't have gotten kidnapped, nor met those people at the izakaya. Those were the only changes he could think of because it wasn't like Light's trauma was a deciding factor in their deaths and undeaths.

It wasn't that simple, though. Even if those were the only factors L was aware of, he knew countless other things would change drastically. As much as he wished he had never made that mistake, what was done was done. All he could do now was help Light as much as he could, and ignore that pain in his chest.

Matsuda smiled a little at L, but it was clearly painted on. L knew Matsuda was just as damaged from the pain of handling Light's condition, burdened with the secrets of L's past he hadn't told anyone else, and the verbal abuse from the task force which L remembered being a part of and regretting now. Seven months ago, he wouldn't have imagined Matsuda would be his rock and best friend.

"Come on, L," Matsuda said, "The group was thinking of going sightseeing for a little bit, and maybe getting more treats because stuff here is pretty awesome. You will be no help to Mello if you're cooped up with guilt at the forefront of your mind."

L bit his thumb as he thought. He didn't do it to harm himself, it was just a habit and nervous tick, and he didn't bite hard enough to draw blood. "You're right. This whole mess has lowered my deductive abilities considerably. I might need a break."

"That's the spirit!" Matsuda grinned, and it was more genuine now, "Come on, get dressed, I'll go ask Light where he wants to go. He mentioned before we walked in here that he was interested in looking around."

"Alright." L took his shirt off, changing into a dress shirt over a grey plaid jacket. He turned, "Matsuda, thank you for everything." 

Matsuda paused, looking surprised, before he rubbed the back of his neck, "It's no problem. I'm happy we're friends." 

"Me too."


	36. Chapter 36

Light watched Near as they surprised him and took him to the Harrods toy store, which was huge. Matsuda and Misa went to get treats, and L had mentioned there was a little candy store about a half hour walk from here that he was going to show them, but Light had decided Near and Matt should have some fun too, since they were getting a break and experiencing the world outside the orphanage.

The currency in England was new to Light, so he wasn't aware of exactly how much money L gave to the children and told them to go crazy with, just that it was a lot with how both kids looked like they won the lottery.

As they ran off, L smiled, "They need a childhood too." Light realized he had never really had one because all the things he saw as fun were most likely dangerous, or he was too awkward to ask since he was supposed to be a genius above those things. So he had spent his time studying. L was taken from what Light assumed was an abusive household—he didn't know for sure, but little things over the months they had known each other implied that, but Light was pretty sure Matsuda knew for sure—and then brought to Wammy's where he was meant to be a brilliant detective. Neither of them had really had what most would refer to as a childhood.

**"What are your favorite places here?"**

"I didn't come to the city often when I was young, but I remember liking the Tower of London, but mostly because I loved learning about history. But I don't recommend that for you, because there are some things there that would set you off." L jumped a little when Matsuda grabbed his shoulders, a broad grin on his face. Light had to admit that being here in London, their group had been happier than they'd ever been in Japan. Part of him wanted to stay here, then he shook himself. This was only a trip.

But maybe... when L took back his title—which he said he was going to do once Light was recovered—Light could travel with him. He did want to see the world.

"Where's the next stop?" Misa asked, then handed Light one of the chocolate macarons which Light had enjoyed. Matsuda looked at his brochure with attractions.

"Okay... there's a zoo and an aquarium, and the London Eye... I'm assuming we're going to all avoid the London dungeon for obvious reasons."

**"The what?"**

L bit his lip, "Well... the London Dungeon recreates various gory and macabre historical events in a gallows humor style, but the four of us have enough painful experiences with the death penalty for that to be a good idea. That's why I don't recommend the Tower of London since there's still the stand where Anne Boleyn was beheaded."

Light tensed, not realizing that **"Thanks for advising against that. I would have wanted to see the tower, and the last thing I want is a breakdown in public."**

"We could go to the London Eye," Misa said, "I've always wanted to see that." L nodded,

"Sounds good. We should find the children then. Near is probably close to dolls or legos, and Matt is anywhere the video games are." L pointed to Light, "You and I will look for Matt. Matsuda and Misa, check for Near. Is that okay?" Everyone nodded, and Light followed L towards the video games. He was surprised when L held his hand and spoke to Light in a hushed voice,

"Light... I need to talk to you about something. After we find Mello, I plan to look over the Kira case again." Light's eyes widened, and he tensed but relaxed when there was no malice or accusation in L's grey eyes. "Because accusing you was wrong on many levels, and I want to go back and figure out why you were the prime suspect when you had nothing to do with Higuchi or Mikami in the slightest. I want to see where I went wrong and learn from it. Would it be okay if I did that?"

It was the fact L asked for permission that worried Light. He feared that in the process of getting himself off the hook, L's self-confidence was badly shaken. After all, he still hadn't reclaimed his title as the world's greatest detective. Sure, there was no need since nobody outside of Wammy's House had seen the "L is dead" message, but the L Lawliet that Light knew would have jumped back into it pretty quickly.

Maybe Light was overthinking things, and this was L asking for permission because he had grown as a person and didn't want to open an old wound.

Regardless, he still felt like a horrible person, because L had been dead-on, and now he was possibly less sure of himself since he thought he had gotten it wrong. And if he thought the truth he had come to was a mistake, that could change everything.

**"That's okay, but don't let one mistake shake your confidence. You're human, we all make mistakes sometimes, so trust your instincts."**

"That one mistake tore apart a family and sent you into a downward spiral you're only recently starting to recover from."

 **"That clusterfuck wasn't the mistake of suspecting me, rather the method of getting information. If I had been Kira, it probably would have worked."** And there he was, partially coming clean. He wasn't saying he was _never_ Kira, just that he hadn't been at the time. He feared L would catch on, but Light was glad he had been able to come clean at least a little.

Thankfully, L didn't seem to catch on—if he did, he hid it well. "Thank you, Light."

It didn't take long to find Matt, who was playing a video game on one of the screens with other kids. He saw Light and L, and bounced up with glee, "Look at all the games!" 

L chuckled, "I see. I gave you money to do what you want with. But that's all you get for souvenirs on our excursions, and we're going to some other places." Matt looked down at the game, 

"Great! Do we need to find Near?"

"Misa and Matsuda are looking for him. We'll meet up just outside the store."

After checking out, they saw Misa, Matsuda, and Near waiting for them. Near had a bag full of new toys, and his eyes were twinkling like the child he should be. From what Light had observed, Near had taken to be very similar to L, stoic and straight to the point, but after seeing L could still be a great detective but also have friends and passions of his own separate to that, Near allowed a more alive side of himself to be seen. However, he was clearly sensitive, which had caused Matsuda to adopted a "tiny baby, must protect" attitude towards him.

"Ready to go?" Misa asked, and Light nodded, deciding that he wanted to see all sorts of things, and he didn't care what particular order. 

Then he smiled to himself, realizing he trusted the people around him enough that he didn't have to be in control, and he didn't feel any desire to cut.

OoOoO

After a fun day full of exploration, the group made it back to their hotel, most of them still eating candy. L noticed Light hadn't stopped smiling all day, and it had been a genuine grin.

It was roughly 9pm, and Misa yawned,

"Are we getting room service again, or going to a pub?" Matt shrugged, but he wasn't playing his new game, he was on the computer, looking for more information on Mello.

"I'm good with whatever. Last night I installed a macro to hack into these systems for me and copy the information. All we have to do now is go through it."

"Matt," Near turned, "When did you learn to do this?"

"How else do you think I keep up with you and Mello while also acting as Mel's personal therapist, occasionally at two in the morning? Especially with how little I care about being a detective."

"You hacked into all the systems?" L fought back a laugh, and Matt shrugged,

"Mello wanted to fight Near fairly with hard work to prove he's better, but I say that if you're in a fair fight, your tactics suck." 

Light flushed a little because he and L had most certainly been in a fair fight, and L won when he decided to change tactics.

Matsuda was on the computer too, "I've been practicing hacking, and I managed to get into Light's old phone, which is sitting on his nightstand in Japan. I got a picture off of it." He turned his computer and revealed a picture Light had forgotten he had.

If he had to guess, it was in late April or early May. It was of the task force, they seemed to have finished dinner. L was smiling awkwardly, and he appeared to have been pulled away from a treat judging by the light dusting of powdered sugar on his lips. Light himself was grinning, and his father had an arm around his shoulder. 

L stared at the picture and compared Light's smile in the image to the one he had seen all day. In comparison, Light's smile in the photo reeked of trained charm, and looked almost strained, just as strained as L's own. Had Light been happy there? Then again, he probably had also known he was a suspect at the time. 

Light, meanwhile, was looking at himself in the picture and noticing how much healthier he looked and was able to wear short sleeves without needing to explain some things. He dreaded when summer would come, and it would be too hot to wear long sleeves. Sure, he could reveal his kidnapping by Mikami and let people assume he had been tortured, but that wouldn't explain the ugly deep cut that ran from the crook of his elbow to his wrist, the night he took things too far. How would he ever tell that away?

He knew there were methods of getting rid of scars, but... he wanted those scars. As a reminder to himself that he had paid for his sins, he learned from his mistakes, and it would never happen again. So that frustration would be his motivator to not pick up a knife again. 

Misa yawned, already calling room service since it had been an unspoken agreement they were gonna stay here.

Matsuda pressed a few buttons to save the photo, then changed tabs to look over the files Matt had copied, "Alright then, let's get looking."

OoOoO

L didn't know where he was for a moment, but, to his growing horror, realized where he was, and released a choked scream when he turned and saw Light hanging from the gallows, limp body swaying loosely from side to side. 

Almost as quickly as he processed this, he was swarmed by reporters, saying he was wrong, and Higuchi and Mikami were Kira, and he had killed an innocent young man just because he refused to be proven wrong.

"I wouldn't do that to him!" He screamed, glad he couldn't recall the look on Light's face before the floor had dropped under him. Executed, his worst fear, for a crime he didn't commit. 

He watched as everyone abandoned him, Matsuda looking at him like he was the scum of the Earth, Watari shaking his head in disapproval, and his three successors not saying anything, leaving without a word. 

All alone in the dark now, no longer at an execution sight, L curled into a ball and wept, all alone with nobody who cared. Then he heard a laugh somewhat like Ryuk's only _much_ more malicious. But there was no denying that to be a Shinigami's laugh.

"Isn't this a surprise. I worked so hard to bring you down, and you did it yourself," L looked up and gasped when he saw the face of Beyond Birthday, of B, who looked down at him with glowing red eyes. He gasped when Beyond grabbed him by the hair, "Just like me now, aren't you, Lawliet? All alone, with nobody. You murdered your friend, who used to look up to you."

"T-This isn't real," L stammered, trying to convince himself, "You're dead!" Beyond's smirk was feline,

"Are you sure about that? Not that it matters, you're alone, and that's all you ever will be. The world would have been better off if your parents killed you when they had the chance."

And L had no protests because while he had defeated his rivals in a detective war, if that hadn't happened, there would be two real other detectives, who took cases more than just for personal amusement.

He gasped as he felt something sharp plunge into his back, and Beyond dropped him to the floor, and L looked up with weak eyes and saw Light standing there, looking like a corpse, holding a bloody knife. He had horrific bruising around his neck, and was coated in dried blood, clearly his own judging by the wounds which no longer leaked his lifeblood.

His vision blurred, and the last thing he saw was Beyond Birthday leading the undead Light away, and the zombie turned to him,

_"Goodbye, L."_

L was trembling when he shot awake, glad Matsuda was a heavy enough sleeper to have not been awoken. He could already feel tears spilling down his face as he got up, feeling nauseous, and was grateful he hadn't actually vomited.

He was able to hold himself together, needing to know that was just a nightmare. He hadn't killed Light.

He peaked open the door to Light's bedroom and saw him sleeping, a sheen of sweat on his forehead, his arms wrapped around Misa. In the pale moonlight which shined in through the window, all of Light's scars were highlighted, showing just how much he had suffered, and L had let him fall onto the tip of a knife. 

As soon as he closed the door, he grabbed one of the pillows from the couch and crawled into one of the cabinets, making himself as small as possible. He buried his face in the pillow, sobbing hysterically, doing his best to muffle his cries at the horror of what he had seen and the fact he refused to admit he understood there was some truth to what Beyond had said.

L jolted when he heard a tiny knock on the door to the cabinet he was in, and Near opened it, "L?" L flushed, embarrassed about having been caught. The white-haired boy sat in front of the door, "What are you doing?"

"Uh, nothing, just... thinking."

"About?" 

"...Everything. I guess the stress is really getting to me." 

Near looked at him pensively, and L had no doubt he looked like death warmed up. His successor continued to ponder for a moment, before getting up and walking into Light's room.

"Nate," L frantically whispered, "He's sleeping, don't wake him up!" But it was too late as Near shook Light awake,

"L's crying and I don't know what to do." Light, however, seemed entirely awake, and got up, still shirtless, and L realized this was the first time Near had seen Light's scars in all their horror. But L also noticed Light's limp was more apparent when he was tired. 

Light bent down beside him, **"Hey, what's wrong?"**

"Nothing, just a nightmare. Sorry that Near woke you."

**"He actually pulled me out of my own nightmare moments before it reached the point waking me made it worse. I would rather help you than experience that hell. But I don't want you knowing that pain I suffer from, so it would still be okay. Do you want to talk about it?"**

"Just someone from my past. I thought he was killed by the Death Note, but now I'm not sure..." Light's brow furrowed,

**"Kira killed him?"**

"He was a serial killer."

 **"Oh."** Light's eyes widened, **_"Oh."_ **

"Yeah. There was some other stuff I'd rather not think about."

Light looked at him, before scooping L into his arms, earning a little noise of surprise from the detective as Light grabbed the television remote, some food, a sweater which he threw on himself, and then sat down next to him, wrapping a blanket around them both.

 **"Neither of us is gonna be able to go back to sleep on our own, so maybe this will work."** They ate food and sat in comfortable silence once Near went to bed. L had his head on Light's shoulder, feeling that he was warm instead of cold, alive instead of dead, no bruises on his neck.

_I'm not going to let anyone hurt you, Light, I promise._

...

Light looked down as L watched the television blankly, but was clearly starting to relax. If L was lucky, he might be able to nod off again. But even if Near had caught him before the nightmare was too bad, Light knew he wasn't going to be sleeping after what he had seen.

Of himself back at the Yagami household. In his bedroom, bars on the door to his balcony and his door was only lockable from the outside. Of his father coming in, saying Light was safe now, nobody would hurt him... for his father had killed L, Matsuda, Misa, Matt, and Near.

Of seeing the dead bodies of his friends, and his father looking at him, crazed, and assuring him they were all going to be a happy family again, and Light wouldn't be leaving them. 

With the way his father had been acting, Light had regretted reading _Coraline_ before going to bed and was glad he was awoken before things went even further downhill. He had been reading because he found the book at a store and found the idea intriguing. 

He also felt the Other Mother was like the Death Note, appealing and seems much better than the real world, but actually was a vile thing desiring to destroy you and your soul.

But even if he had a feeling his nightmare had been at least partially influenced by the book, Light couldn't deny that only the "we'll stay together as a family" behavior was similar, not murdering Light's friends. He knew he couldn't be judging his father over the events of the fantasy world in his dreams, but that made him wonder. 

Sayu had mentioned things had become bad at home. Had things become _that_ bad? Was Light a danger to his friends just by being with them?


	37. Chapter 37

Matsuda woke up, and the first thing he processed was the fact L wasn't in bed next to him. He was probably already awake and looking for Mello, he figured and quickly got dressed.

But when he walked out of his room and into the main area, he saw Light and L curled up next to each other, both not quite asleep but close to it. Ah, one of them probably had a nightmare. Or both.

He wasn't a fool and knew about L's nightmares, which had been getting worse as time went on. L had told him this was why he had avoided sleep because nightmares plagued him in the realm of slumber, but the melatonin at night had, for months, kept that back. So why was he getting them again now?

_You're an idiot for not knowing, Matsuda, he's your friend, and you're too stupid to figure it out._

He walked back into his room and released a choked sob at those words, punching the pillow, trying to get Aizawa's voice out of his head.

"I'm not stupid, not an idiot, I'm a detective, and I deserve to be..." 

And after a moment, his sorrow turned to anger. This had happened many times, but only L knew what really went through his head after a constant verbal assault from the task force.

_Mom said to be good, Dad said to be nice, that was always their advice. So be nice, Matsuda, good, Matsuda, nice good nice—But what's the good of being good if everyone is blind? Nevermind, Matsuda, kind Matsuda—Nice good nice sweet good nice—_

What he hadn't told anyone was those nights where the power of his conflicted feelings towards Kira and the fact the task force clearly hated him that made him want to quit.

L had given him a chance to prove himself, that he wasn't as worthless as people said. And Matsuda had helped L understand the ways of the world. However, lately, Matsuda had felt more appreciated by his friends here and was debating leaving the task force behind forever and staying at Wammy's, helping other kids.

He wiped his eyes and checked his phone, seeing countless missed messages from the chief. Thankfully, Matsuda actually had a plan to explain his absence without getting Light involved. He knew there was a time difference. It was eight in the morning here, so about five in the evening in Japan. He would have to wait four hours, though, if this was to be believable.

For now, he'd eat some food and wait for everyone else to wake up, but he wondered what was wrong with him. Being a police officer had been his dream since he was little, and he was debating giving that up? Because of what, a little mistreatment from coworkers. There would always be people he didn't get along with... maybe he really was weak for considering leaving.

_Grow up, Matsuda._

He silently cursed himself, and that voice in his head.

OoOoO

After going out and getting breakfast once everyone was awake, the group walked back to the hotel. L saw how everyone was happy here, even Matsuda had a sparkle in his eyes that hadn't been there before.

It was selfish of him, but L wished they would all stay in England with him in this place he called home. But he knew that Matsuda, Misa, and Light all had connections back in Japan and weren't going to sever them like that.

He wondered what would happen once this was all over, Light was recovered, Mello was found, and the mess with the chief was resolved. Matsuda would probably go back to Japan; Near, Mello, and Matt would return to the orphanage; Misa would go back to modeling and acting; Light might stay with Misa, might return to the Yagami family, or even go back to the izakaya. But what about L? The only meaningful relationship he'd had was Watari, who would travel with him, and it was too much to wish his friends now would do the same. 

_"You're alone, and that's all you ever will be."_

Beyond's words rang in his ears and the truth behind it. Soon, he would be all alone. And what was he supposed to do about it? It was no secret the NPA hated him at least to a degree, the task force except for Matsuda especially. So unless he had plans of slowing Light's recovery—something he would never do—it was going to happen, and happen fast.

He knew better than to start wishing they would stay with him. Wishing only wounds the heart and doesn't stop the ache you feel when reality sets back in. However, there was no stopping his brain wandering into the land of what could be, of them all being happy together, forever.

They made it back to the hotel just in time for Matsuda's phone to ring. To L's surprise, Matsuda smirked a little, and picked up the phone, "Hey! Chief, it's good to hear from you. Sorry, I haven't been able to respond until now, the sixteen-hour time difference is tricky." Wait, what? London was only nine hours behind...

...

Matsuda was glad he had a cousin in Arizona, who he had mentioned to the task force long before any of this mess with Light's trauma had ever started.

 _"Matsuda,"_ Chief Yagami said, _"Where are you? Is Light with you?"_

"I'm visiting my cousin in Arizona, you know, Greg? He insisted I visit after the Kira case was solved. But why would Light be with me?" He heard Soichiro sigh and knew his plan had worked, and the chief remembered the existence of a cousin. But to be sure, Matsuda handed the phone to Matt, "Say hi, Greg."

Thankfully, Matt's voice had deepened already, so he sounded like a young man, "Hello." Matsuda took the phone back,

 _"Matsuda,"_ the chief pleaded, _"You were there when Raito Otonokoji, Light, was saved, what condition was he in? Aizawa's only said it could be worse."_

"Huh?" This wasn't something he had prepared for, "Oh, Light was hospitalized for a couple weeks, but last time I saw him, he was doing really well."

_"He was hospitalized?!"_

"Yeah, that's the protocol for a kidnap victim. It was mostly his scars that worried the doctors, and they were mostly keeping an eye on him. There were no sudden and unexpected turns for the worst." All of this was true, except he was going to leave out the fact Light had nearly bled to death, broke his wrist, and got shot twice.

 _"Alright, so he was doing well when you saw him last?"_ Matsuda looked at Light,

"Yeah. Actually, when I saw him last, he was doing a lot better mentally too. Not quite there yet, but his friends are eager to help. Is there anything else you need?"

_"For you to return to Japan and help us find him."_

"My flight isn't for a few weeks, but if you want, I can do a little hacking and look. But I'm not sure that would do much since Light could easily have another alias. He hid from us as Raito for months."

 _"You're right, Matsuda. Good night."_ The line hung up, and Matsuda turned to the amazed expressions of his friends.

"That was genius." L said, "I remember you mentioning your cousin, and that's a believable lie since you've talked before about wanting to visit." Matsuda blushed a little being praised by the world's greatest detective.

"That's actually perfect," Matt said, "Because I was looking at a police file in Santa Barbara, and they are working with a P.I going under M as an alias. Arizona and California aren't very far apart, but still far enough away that if the chief called your bluff on Light not being with you and flew down, it would be an eight-hour drive before finding us, which would give us time to hop on a plane and book it."

Light looked at the file Matt was examining, **"So we're going to America? I've never been to before."**

"I guess we are. This is a good lead." L pulled out his phone, made some calls, and turned, "Alright, pack your stuff, we're going to Santa Barbara. The plane is arriving around nine tonight. The flight is roughly thirteen hours, so for us, it will feel like ten in the morning, but it will be two in the morning in California. I suggest not sleeping on the flight, that way we can get over jetlag faster. As soon as it's a reasonable hour, we'll see if this M character really is Mello."

OoOoO

After flying—this time, L was better prepared for thirteen hours of amusing people—they all checked into Belmond el Encanto and promptly passed out, having been awake for a full day. None of them bothered to change into pajamas, just falling so deeply asleep that none of them were haunted by images created in the subconscious.

They all slept until roughly eleven, at which point they stopped to get brunch before heading to the address they found for M thanks to the power of Matt's hacking.

What they found was the building was shut down dry cleaners near the forest. No doubt the rent was cheap. Near hid behind Matsuda because he was the last person Mello would want to see. So Matt was the one to knock on the door.

"Hey! Mel! You in there?" Matt shouted, knocking on the door, which opened moments later.

Light gasped when he saw a person who was a carbon copy of L, who was the one to open the door. L paled significantly, eyes wide,

"B-B? You're..."

This man, B apparently, which implied he was— _oh no. Wasn't B the serial killer L mentioned was killed by Kira?_

B stared at them for a moment, before they heard a voice from inside,

"Ryuzaki, who's—" Mello appeared, and he looked between the two Ls, clearly trying to figure out which one was the real one. How did this person look so much like L? Makeup? Were they related? But B looked like L _before_ dying at the hands of Rem.

Usually, Matt would be delighted to see his best friend, but they were all more concerned with L and his doppelganger, who were staring each other down.

"One of them is Beyond Birthday," Mello said after a moment, "But right now, I'm not sure which of us was tricked."

"Hate to break it to you, Mello," Near said, "But I think you were the one tricked unless Beyond Birthday has been working on the Kira case when he should have been in prison."

Beyond turned away from L and started laughing hysterically, and Light recognized that laugh, a Shinigami's laugh. Meanwhile, Ryuk was flying above them and staring at the young man born with the eyes in fascination.

"He's a hybrid," Ryuk grinned even more than usual, "How interesting."

Beyond calmed down, and his eyes met Misa's. Light felt a jolt of fear, wondering if he had eyes as though he made the deal—meaning he wouldn't be able to see Light's or Misa's lifespan—or actual Shinigami eyes. 

"I was told you were dead," Beyond said, turning to L, "It looks like you and I have more in common than you think. And look, you even abandoned one of your successors, leading him right into my arms." He gestured to Mello, who was clearly furious about having been tricked. Mello screamed in fury and charged at Beyond, who pulled a knife out of a sheath he kept hidden and went for the kill.

"NO!" L shoved Mello out of the way, gasping when the knife went straight through his hand. 

"L!" Matsuda went on instinct to grab his gun, only to remember it was still in Japan since he wasn't allowed to have his firearm in London or the States. Near was trembling, terrified, and unable to do anything except hide behind Misa. 

...

She saw his real name, Ryusei Akamine. If she had her Death Note, she might be able to—

His lifespan jumped. Misa's eyes widened. He was immune to the Death Note, just like Light and L.

Light seemed to have snapped out of his shocked state at seeing L get stabbed in hand, just in time for Beyond to move faster than should be possible for a human being and have him at knifepoint. Light managed to maneuver out of this but was punched in the gut, causing one of his bullet wounds to act up and had him on the ground.

...

It was at this moment everyone seemed to realize how screwed they were, especially L. Naomi had been able to bring Beyond in when he was half-dead and in the middle of trying to kill himself by fire. But it had been three years since then, it was clear Beyond had recovered, and he was nowhere near half-dead.

Ryuk had just said Beyond was a hybrid, so it was likely he survived since he wasn't entirely human.

L saw Light on the ground, gasping for air, having probably gotten the wind knocked out of him. They were too far out for anybody to hear a cry for help. But seeing his friend injured, and his successors being shielded by Misa, L called,

"Matsuda! Protect them, this is my fight. B! I'm the one you want, not them." L didn't have much except a small pocket knife, but it would suffice, and he knew enough martial arts to be able to hold his own. And that was what he did, actually managing to get a couple hits in. 

But there were three disadvantages he had. His bleeding hand with a hole in it, he didn't know the terrain, and his feet had been fixed, which meant he was still adjusting his center of balance to accommodate. 

And in the end, they did him in. One stumble, smacking his head against a rock, was all it took for him to know no more.

...

Light tried to get up, ignoring the horrendous pain in his abdomen, which made it hard to stand. But L had just fought an enemy to protect them. Mello clearly wanted to fight, but Misa was keeping him back, knowing this would only end in pain. 

Matsuda had run over to where L was out cold, glaring at Beyond, who was standing over them, looking ready to strike.

"Step away from him," Beyond ordered, "This is between us, not you."

"What did he do to you?!" Matsuda demanded, earning a hideous smirk from Beyond, which sent shivers up Light's spine.

"Let's not get into that. I will ask you one last time." He raised his knife, "Step aside, or I kill the kids." He gestured to the successors in question. Misa was in front of them protectively. Light stumbled to his feet and lunged at Beyond Birthday, wishing the bastard had stayed dead.

His eyes widened as he realized he wished death on someone, but that didn't stop him from pinning Beyond to the ground, snarling. But Beyond didn't seem bothered in the slightest, instead almost bored.

"Take me..." they all turned and saw L was waking up, eyes half-lidded, "Take me, and leave them alone, B."

"L, no, " Matsuda pleaded, and L looked up, 

"Don't worry about me, worry about the kids. I'm the one he wants revenge on." 

Beyond softened as he shoved Light off, "You're giving yourself up to save your successors? Even I didn't see that coming." He grabbed L by the hair, "Well then, let's go." He froze when a log hit him in the head, but it wasn't enough to knock him out. He turned to where Mello was, 

"You tricked me, but I'm not letting L get hurt because of it."

"Oh, don't worry, I will take excellent care of him, just what he deserves," Beyond grabbed L's hand which had been stabbed through, causing a choked scream of agony as he was pulled away, but Light refused to accept that and tried to reach him again, but L sent him a strained smile,

"Light, I trust you," L said, "Don't look for me. He'll just kill you." He sent a look at Matsuda, which made the officer pause, before subtly nodding, but it was clear he wasn't happy about this.

Beyond pulled L away and threw him into a car, driving away, and Light memorized the license plate, before whirling around and grabbing Matsuda's shoulders, before messaging him,

**"What was he telling you?!"**

Matsuda sighed, "He said you shouldn't look... especially without backup. He's going to try getting through to Beyond. Light, he was saying he knows you aren't Kira, and even if you were, he doesn't care."

"How did you know that?!" Matt asked, and Matsuda sighed,

"It was one of the first things he told me when we became friends, how certain phrases mean something else in a dire situation like that."

"Without backup?" Misa asked, "The police?" 

"No," Mello shrunk down, "He was helping me work with the police, so he will know if we go to them."

Matsuda bit his lip, "Light, he may have been saying he can save himself given a little time, but I want to offer another option, even though it's a terrible idea, but still technically an option. The task force. Police officers that Beyond Birthday won't be able to track, and are used to being in dangerous situations, so we wouldn't be getting the children involved."

Light froze because if the task force came, that would mean his father was bound to...

But even if L could save himself temporarily or get through to B, there was still a chance he couldn't. Light remembered looking at crime scene photos from the LABB murder case and hated the idea of seeing L in that condition.

However, if he called his father, he might kill L for hiding Light.

Light dropped to his knees and screamed, unable to believe five minutes could ruin everything. And if he hadn't tried to kill L, that message wouldn't have been sent, Mello wouldn't have ended up in Beyond's clutches, and L...

L was gone, and it was all Light's fault.


	38. Chapter 38

After about an hour of frantically debating what to do, the team decided that if they were going to bring in the task force, Light still needed to be in hiding, meaning Misa was going with him. This quickly led to Mello and Matt insisting on going with Light and Misa. Near would stay with Matsuda—since he was attached to Matsuda, and also had enough understanding of how L worked to be able to have a basic idea of the insanity L was planning when he got kidnapped.

Which led to now, Matt searching for that license plate, and looking through traffic cameras to locate him. Mello was pacing and seething,

"I can't believe I got tricked. L has told me the LABB murder case story, how did I not get the hint?!" Misa frowned,

"What did Beyond say to you, to make you think it was him?"

"He reaccounted the LABB murder case, and explained he and a friend of his faked their deaths to ensure Kira didn't actually kill them, but now that the case was resolved, he was making sure I didn't end up on the streets. I got here on my own, but real estate is _expensive_ in America. If I had known there was a way to survive being killed by Kira, I would have been much more suspicious."

"Well," Misa shrugged, "That's actually pretty close to what happened." She looked up at Ryuk—Mello was still beyond confused as to why they were all so calm with having a murder notebook and a Shinigami around, "Ryuk, you said Beyond Birthday is a hybrid. If Shinigami don't have to eat, I don't see why..." 

"We don't have to eat, doesn't mean we can't. And hybrids are so rare I never thought I'd see one."

"But why in the name of sanity," Mello looked Ryuk up and down, "Would someone fuck _that_."

"As I said, they're rare. But this does mean Ryusei has the powers of a Shinigami. Whether he has wings or any other powers, I don't know, but I can guarantee he has the eyes."

Matt turned from his laptop, "The eyes?"

"Trade half your lifespan to be able to see the name and lifespan of anyone," Misa explained, and thankfully both successors seemed to assume they'd had this talk before since Ryuk had been around for a while. "But it appears Beyond Birthday was born with the eyes and didn't need to make a deal."

 **"Without the Death Note,"** Light was pacing now, **"That power is basically worthless, but imagine being able to see exactly when everyone you loved would die, and not knowing why. Mello, what did L tell you about the LABB murder case?"**

"It was started from the combined forces of A's suicide and his eyes. He wanted to prove himself superior to L by creating a case L couldn't solve. He actually succeeded at this, but was caught by Naomi Misora as Beyond was attempting suicide by self-immolation."

Light tensed, as Naomi Misora's face flashed behind his eyes, that look on her face as he taunted her as she walked to her death. That was the moment he had _truly_ gone from vigilante to villain, but Raye Penber's death was the moment he was no hero.

But if Naomi knew how to handle Beyond Birthday... He mentally cursed himself because the Death Note with her name on it. He could have asked Ryuk for the eraser, and damn the consequences of her knowing the truth about him. But... execution... he realized there could very well come a moment in this where Light had to reveal his secret to save L, and there was no hope of L forgiving. But... he knew that if he saw L looking at him with the same detest as he saw in the mirror, he would shatter.

Not that it mattered at the moment, since he didn't have the eraser or Death Note, didn't know if there was a time limit to revival, and didn't know if Naomi had burned her own body to ashes or not. So even if he was ready to walk to the gallows, he _couldn't_ bring her back.

And that left him back at square one, with the only people present for the case being either dead, the culprit, or currently kidnapped. Where was L now? Already dead? Bleeding? L's only hope was their combined brainpower and the story Mello had been told.

Light just prayed it was enough.

_L, please hang in there. We'll find you._

OoOoO

L was sitting in the car, wondering why he wasn't tied up. Probably had something to do with the fact his hand was still bleeding, and he was feeling lightheaded. Even if he did get a chance to escape, he doubted he'd make it very far.

Beyond turned to him when they were at a stoplight, "You're bleeding all over the car, do you mind?"

"Yes, let me control how much blood I lose from a stab wound straight through my hand." The pain was so bad it was getting hard to think, but he could already tell this was never going to heal correctly, and it would take years of physical therapy to get it even remotely functioning. That was, of course, assuming he got out of this alive and _not_ horrifically mutilated.

He hoped Matsuda had been able to understand that engaging without backup was a terrible idea, but hoped he wouldn't go for the task force. While that would be an intelligent move in most circumstances, how the hell would Matsuda explain, "hi, L was with me visiting my cousin and got kidnapped by a should-be-dead half-Shinigami serial killer. No, Light is definitely not with me." The last thing L wanted was Light deciding to bite the bullet and reunite with his father before he was mentally ready, saving L, but deteriorating further.

While L was pretty sure Naomi had been killed by Kira, he hoped that she was out there somewhere. She and Light would get along, and she was here to face Beyond.

However, regardless of what Beyond had done, L couldn't bring himself to hate the young man. L knew he was no saint—Light's condition being proof of that—and was responsible for many deaths, even if most of those were death row criminals he used as resources and were going to die anyway. In a way, it was moments like this that made him _really_ hate Roger. While L had the whole enchilada of tragic backstory(TM) to explain the way he was, the other kids at Wammy's who were meant to be his successors were developing similar behaviors, downright homicidal, or just apathy towards the death of others. He had noticed it in how Mello was ready to kill Beyond with no remorse, and Matt and Near were casually talking about people dying as though discussing the weather.

L was starting to fear that when Watari had said they were going to find a successor for L, they meant to turn a child into a copy of him. But at least if that was true, the way he was now was at least closer to your average human being.

A had commit suicide because he couldn't handle the pressure. That was what L had been told, and he still felt horrible for what had happened. Only after B had lost his mind had he been told Gen 1 had been meant to fail. He had honestly thought they could handle it...

_Hey, L, could you stop thinking back on the past and remember you're bleeding and a serial killer who probably wants your head has you captive?_

Ah, right. Perhaps it was because L wasn't _afraid_ of Beyond that caused his mind to drift. The only thing that unnerved him was what Beyond was capable of, and the fact he had the odd feeling that he was looking in a mirror—which, seeing as Beyond was a natural brunette, was weird.

"Ryusei, where are we going?" Beyond tensed visibly at the name, but didn't say anything for a moment as though contemplated the answer. He looked at L and the blood, which was leaking onto L's clothing and the seat. He growled and handed L a blanket from the back, and when they were at the next stoplight, forcibly wrapped it around L's hand, mumbling about needing to use this car for daily life, and the last thing he wanted was to go through the pain of cleaning the vehicle of bloodstains, which never come out. L chuckled a little, but maybe he was loopy from blood loss. At least Ryusei still had a sense of humor.

 _"I feel you're the first friend I've ever had."_ L had said to Light, and that was... somewhat correct? It would have been more accurate if he said, "The first friend who hasn't betrayed me," but he thought Light was Kira at the time. His relationship with Beyond was complicated on many levels, so he had decided to not mention that, and lied to Mello, saying he and B hadn't met personally.

But he hadn't lied to Light because he said, "I feel you are," not merely, "you are."

It was so long ago before A died... L hadn't admitted to anyone, not even Watari, that A's suicide had been the first time he cried over someone's death, instead of grieving in stoic silence.

He wasn't sure how long exactly they sat in quiet, eventually coming across a cabin in the woods that _really_ gave L "I'm gonna die today," vibes. He supposed that since it was sunset, it had been long enough that they weren't in Santa Barbara anymore. 

Beyond opened the door, "Get up." L obeyed, knowing he was too out-of-it to be able to walk in a straight line, let alone escape. He needed to know how far gone Ryusei was. Seeing as he was willing to die to prove himself better than L, it wasn't looking good. 

L got out of the car, only to fall over, realizing he had fallen asleep last night in his shoes, and he had been wearing his orthotics for far too long, and adding that onto blood loss made him see double the moment he tried to stand on his own. Well... at least being pitiful would be a decent way to figure things out.

He heard Beyond sigh, but it felt like he was watching a movie and not actually living it as Beyond carried him in his arms, much gentler than expected. In a normal situation, if he wasn't dizzy with pain, he'd wonder if that meant they were close to other humans or Beyond actually cared, but he was the equivalent of stoned right now, so his thoughts were along the lines of _I like being carried._

The moment the door shut, he was very rudely thrown onto the ground, and Beyond was looking at him like a madman. But then his insane look vanished, and he narrowed his eyes as L stared at him blankly, then at all the blood staining L's clothes, and removed the blanket he had wrapped around L's hand.

"How high are you?"

"About 5'11." Beyond facepalmed, then looked down at L's shoes, raising an eyebrow before removing them, and then his eyes widened at the purple and green bruising. But that worried look changed to sadistic fascination, and a giggle bubbled up.

"Orthotics? Shouldn't you know better than to wear them too long? You've just made this a whole lot easier for me."

"Yeah, yeah, can you remove the makeup, it's wigging me out." If L could think rationally, he would be screaming at himself that he was an idiot right now. This was a known serial killer who had a personal vendetta against him.

Beyond glared at him, probably wondering if L was high or being a smug asshole. Then he looked back at the bruised feet and the hand which was still sluggishly bleeding, but slower than he had been earlier. He walked over to the corner and grabbed both a small blowtorch, a cloth, a bottle of alcohol, and a box cutter. He poured the drink on the fabric, before rubbing the knife in it, using the tiny blowtorch on the blade. 

"Let's see if this wakes you up from this spell, Snow." He pressed the hot knife to L's hand in short bursts. That certainly did the trick, because he felt like his hand was on fire. He wasn't sure whether to scream or not, because what did Beyond want or expect? But after Beyond held it there for a few extra seconds, he couldn't prevent a small whimper from slipping out.

Beyond smirked, "There you are, old friend. I'm almost done."

"Why do you... know how to do this...?" L panted, looking at his hand and noticing the wound was closing over. Not internally, he could still feel the hole inside and knew that it was going to drive him up the wall. Still, he wasn't bleeding anymore, and Beyond probably wasn't going to kill him if he was going through the trouble of cauterizing the wound—he wasn't sure yet if this act of kindness was good or bad.

"Don't look at me like that," Beyond snapped, "I'm not doing this for your sake. The last thing I want is for you to die before you give me some _very_ much deserved answers." L was dragged to a support beam in the center of the room, his hands handcuffed behind his back. He wondered if this was how Light felt when his father had a gun to his head, unable to move and escape. But unlike Light's situation, L had been at least subconsciously prepared for this, and he knew how far Beyond was willing to go.

"Answers?" Alright, that was something he could work with, "What do you mean?" 

"Don't give me that!" Beyond snarled, more animal than human—which made sense now, if he was a half-breed, "You left us! Kai _killed himself_ crumbling under pressure, and where were you? Oh yeah, off solving cases, too busy being 'perfect,' and all we ever heard was how we were wrong, and you would solve things this way. So _why_?!"

Kai Hyles, A's real name. 

"I didn't know what you were going through." L forced himself to stand up, even if that didn't achieve much except for making eye contact more accessible. The pain in his feet wasn't unbearable, and he was fine with ignoring it if there was a chance to clear up this mess. "Things have changed at Wammy's, Ryu. If I had known back then that my success was affecting you, I would have demanded a change."

"Have things changed?" Beyond asked, pointing the knife at him, "Because from what I've seen, Miheal has one hell of an inferiority complex. And even if he didn't, kids don't usually have no qualms with leaving their home when they're too young to do anything unless illegal methods are used. Do you know how I made him think I was you? I retold the tale of the LABB murder case. Let's not even get into the fact you told him we had never met in person! You're like everyone else, throwing away the backups when they fail and forgetting about them!" He was trembling, and L shrunk down, shaking his head,

"I looked for you. When you left the orphanage, I tracked hundreds of cases around the world in search of you. I _never_ forgot about you. I told Miheal that we hadn't met because that was very soon after you became a serial killer, and excuse me for being a little angry. I was petty and didn't want to be sucked into the past, I won't deny that." He looked away, "But to answer your question about Miheal's inferiority complex and willingness to leave, either that's a part of who he is, or I need to kick Roger to the curb. Wammy's isn't just for my successors anymore, instead kids around the world with different talents."

Beyond stared at him incredulously, "Then explain why Miheal was telling me about a kid named Near who, from what I gather, is basically just you with white hair and a toy obsession."

"Beyond, I'm not saying I'm not to blame. But I didn't choose for the pressure to be put on you. It wasn't even _my_ idea to have children as my successors! Light Yagami, an adult with his own personality, is more than worthy of taking my place, and he wasn't groomed for the position. I don't even _like_ the idea of having kids taught to become me!"

That was the moment he saw a change and knew he could get through to Ryusei Akamine, hidden under the mask of Beyond Birthday.

"Y-You didn't?"

"No! After what happened to you and Kai, I hated it. But I was promised it wouldn't happen again, no more pressure, just kids being trained to harness their genius without that over them—and I am not going to pretend I didn't scream at Roger when I learned he let Miheal go. I was afraid he would end up deranged like you. And don't you go acting like you're a helpless victim when you brutally killed people. I'm no hero, but neither are you." He felt tears in his eyes, and he wasn't sure if it was from the emotional or physical pain, "Why didn't you talk to me about this before you decided to try one-upping me as world's greatest criminal?"

Beyond Birthday made an eerie little choking noise, something that sounded almost like a dry-wrenching sob, but—

The noise doubled over itself and strengthened, sending the helical sounds refracting through the room in a fit of synesthesia.

 _Laughing_. Ryusei, not Beyond Birthday, was laughing. It was a horrible sound, nothing like the joyful laugh he had when they were younger that had a childish edge to it—this really sounded more like he was crying, but he wasn't, he certainly wasn't. Though he wasn't feeling any joy either, that much L knew.

"I'm not sure if you're a liar or blind." Beyond said, after a moment of calming himself down, "I called you regularly for three _months_! I was always told you were busy."

"I-I didn't know that," he really didn't, but he would have made time if he had known. And that was when Beyond seemed to come to a realization,

"You aren't lying. You're just as much as a tool as I was. Tell me, where's Watari now, if he's not keeping an eye on his little prodigy who seems to have gotten in with a new crowd who's helping him not be reliant."

L sighed, "He died months ago. But what are you getting at?"

"You, the great L, are not considered human to Wammy or Roger. Tell me, wasn't Wammy's House founded after Watari found you? If you weren't a genius, would he have kept you or thrown you into some crappy home to live the hard-knock life? Don't you see it? _You_ are _nothing_ to him. Your mind, however, all he had to do was make you reliant on him, make you develop a love for him, trust him, and you were putty in his hand."

"You're wrong. You had a bad experience, and it was wrong for me to not be told you were calling me, but that doesn't mean this is all an elaborate scheme." No longer able to keep himself up, fell back down, but his eyes didn't leave Ryusei's, "This whole mess is a colossal misunderstanding. Ryusei, we can make things right." And for a moment, he felt joy, seeing raw emotion in Ryusei's eyes. But his hopes sank when it was replaced by icy fury.

"Grow up, maybe you weren't told how the real world works, but once you're labeled a killer, that's what you are, no matter what. There is no changing what I am—I'm not even human. There will be no making things right." He played with the knife, "You're lucky that Watari's dead. Otherwise, I would carve you up and see what he thinks about his little weapon being torn limb from limb." But the threat didn't hold as much venom to it, and L smiled a little, making it clear he wasn't going to be so easily fooled.

Beyond growled and pulled out a metal blindfold and reminded L of the one he forced on Misa, and had it shoved over his head, blinding him, and then a ball gag was shoved into his mouth, and he found he was not enjoying the sensation of the thing in his mouth.

He heard the door open and then slam shut, and everything was silent.

L's adrenaline wore off, and he passed out from pain and the fact he had lost a considerable amount of blood.

...

Beyond was barely able to make it out of the cabin before breaking down and punching a tree hard enough to make his knuckles split open. He didn't know what to think. That friend he had thought forgot about him actually didn't, and there wasn't even anybody to get revenge on with Watari dead since Roger just didn't give a shit.

He had wanted to ask why L was hanging out with Kira—he had seen a little mark next to the lifespans of two of L's companions, saying they were owners of a Death Note. But maybe L knew about that, and that was why he was so forgiving, or perhaps he really did understand...

Beyond shook himself, looking at his reflection in the small pond, seeing L's face staring back at him. He wailed, sinking to his knees and using the water to wash off the makeup, and now his reflection showed himself, his skin so pale L looked tan in comparison. Burns scars coated his left hand and arm, most of the left side of his torso, and up to his neck. It had taken months to be able to speak again, or function in general. He was lucky the flames hadn't reached his face or blinded him.

He pulled out a small match, striking it and pressing it against his ankle, crying as he let his skin burn a little, where it would go unnoticed under his pants and the fact he already had scars here. Then his mind cleared a little.

Even if L was telling the truth, could they really go back? No, not after what he had done. Unless L was planning on putting his reputation on the line to protect a semi-human serial killer, he was going to be locked away again. 

But then he came to a realization that maybe L didn't know he was with Kira. Or was Light Yagami a former Kira? He had to find out, not because he was worried about L, but because he wanted a little revenge against the man who tried to murder him with a heart attack.


	39. Chapter 39

"Matsuda, you idiot!" Aizawa screamed, "You let L get kidnapped by a serial killer with a personal vendetta against him?!"

"I had no way of winning against him, and he said it was L or Near. It was L's choice, not mine." Matsuda defended himself, but it was clearly to the task force's confusion that he didn't sound meek and wasn't apologizing. He stood firm because his best friend could be dead or dying, and L's only hope was Matsuda not taking any shit from the task force.

Near was sitting in a chair, once again calm. Light, Misa, Mello, and Matt were using Mello's kind of home as their base, and the task force, Matsuda, and Near were using the hotel room. Light and Misa's bedroom was made to look like it was part of a joining room, but they didn't have access to that room.

"Is Matsuda the only adult here?" Near asked, not bothering to look up, "Currently, the chief of the NPA is looking through all our belongings in search of anything retaining to his lost son, the rest of you are calling Matsuda an idiot for not getting a child killed. Meanwhile, Matsuda is prioritizing the world's greatest detective being injured and at the mercy of Beyond Birthday over your childish squabbles."

 _That_ , being called out by a child who looked barely ten, was enough to get the entire task force back to business.

"What do we know?" Mogi asked, and Near shook his head condescendingly,

"L has his phone. If Matt was here, we'd be able to track it, unless any of you is tech-savvy." Matsuda brightened,

"I might be able to do it." He sat down on a computer, and he could feel the condescending looks from the entire task force. In truth, Matsuda was confident L's successors, Light, Misa, and himself, could find L on their own. It was the act of actually saving him that required more experienced cops. But maybe this could be the prime opportunity for Matsuda to make his choice about whether he was quitting and living in England or not.

He was undoubtedly enjoying the looks as he successfully tracked L's phone. There was a high chance it wasn't on L's person, and Beyond was using this as a red herring. And he knew if that was the case, he was going to be called an imbecile even if they would have done the same thing. But there was still the tiniest of chances L had been able to hide his phone. 

Just in case that was the situation, but Beyond found out and broke the phone, Matsuda screenshot the image, standing up, "You're only here because Beyond Birthday is extremely dangerous and has the powers of a Shinigami, including the eyes. He can move faster than a human and can fight both defensively and offensively. Right now, L is trying to get through to him, since I'm pretty sure Beyond's insane because of a misunderstanding. If that works, then I apologize for wasting your time." He walked past them, fists clenched and body stiff,

Ide looked at him worriedly, taking his hand, "Matsuda, are you okay?"

That caused him to snap. It was childish, but he couldn't take it anymore. However, his words were soft and calm, only laced with venom.

"Now, you ask me? Not when your verbal abuse made be debate some... bad things, and I had to force myself to get out of bed in the morning to do the next right thing and brace myself for the onslaught. I knew that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough, that all you would see me as was an idiot whose only use was to get coffee."

His words shut everyone up, and they were all too stunned to react. But really, Matsuda didn't blame them for not noticing when his eyes lost the hope in them, they were too busy dealing with Light's condition, which was much more severe.

That didn't change the fact he was sick of this treatment. He was a good officer, he knew that especially while armed with the new skills being friends with L had brought on. He didn't finish at the top of his class, but he was pretty close to up there, and he'd had enough experience in the field to merit a little respect, but everybody had treated him as though he was stupid.

For a while, he'd thought it was because he was the youngest—L not included because, well, he's L, the guy famous for being brilliant—but then Light came along and was treated with infinitely more respect, not just by the chief.

"I'm tired of being hurt and mocked and ignored. Of being treated like a wayward child instead of an adult. But that's not the priority right now. If you want your coffee, get your own damn coffee, I'm going to save my friend." He walked off, and Soichiro followed him, seeming worried, while the others looked between where Matsuda had left, and at Near, who was getting a massive kick out of this.

Matsuda, not really caring that anyone was following him, pulled out his phone, "Matt, have you found anything?"

_"Yeah, Light memorized the license plate—which is incredible on so many levels, that guy isn't letting a disability stop him—and we know what car it is. Right now, after spending hours looking over traffic cameras, we have a basic idea where the vehicle is, in San Francisco. Mello thinks that Beyond would take L into the Muir Woods."_

"I'm sorry, I'm not from California, the what?" He heard Matt chuckle,

_"On the side of Mount Tamalpais, twelve miles north of San Francisco, there's a redwood forest known as Muir Woods, which is now a national park. Muir Woods National Monument encompasses a total of 554 acres, 240 of which constitute old-growth coast redwood forests."_

Matsuda sighed, "As much as I hate to say it, that sounds like somewhere a serial killer would take L. So..." he noticed the chief catch up with him, "I'm gonna have to call you back." He hung up, "Yes, chief?"

Soichiro sighed, "You're happy with L, aren't you? You weren't visiting your cousin, you were here with him."

Glad this conversation wasn't involving Light, Matsuda softened, "Yes. We were in London for a bit to visit L's successors, then discovered one of them had run away, so we tracked him here, only to find out Beyond Birthday had once again disguised himself as L and tricked the kid. One moment we were knocking on the door, the next Beyond was threatening to kill the kids if L didn't go with him."

"Kids as in plural?"

"There are three, the other two don't get along with Near and wanted to work on their own. It's like herding cats. One likes me, the other two are stubborn." Soichiro chuckled, while Matsuda came to the realization the Wammy's Boys were basically the different types of a housecat. The quiet one, the one that screams until you give it food, the one who hates everyone, and the one who is sitting on your computer with no fucks to be found. Actually, L was low-key all of these. L is a housecat confirmed.

"That's what it's like being a father, though it seems you were thrown into the role pretty fast." He softened, sadness in his eyes, "Near likes you, take care of him and the other two, and make sure nothing painful befalls them. They deserve all the love they can get."

Matsuda understood and nodded, "I understand, I just got off the phone with Matt. He's got a potential lead on L's location."

"And Light?" And there it was. Matsuda sighed,

"I don't know where Light is. For all I know, he's working the case with us, or riding a cassowary in Australia." That last one was clearly sarcastic, but the mental image was hilarious. 

"Matsuda, I'm not asking you if you know where Light is... do you think he's okay out there? Do you think he will _ever_ return home?" Something felt right about this, being respected for a somber topic. Honestly, Matsuda had expected a rampage, but it seemed the chief was out of fuel and had finally realized that Light hadn't come home for more reasons than resurrection looking suspicious, after all, they all knew L was alive. It wasn't like L was Kira—even if that had been a theory on the NPA back when the investigation had first started.

"I don't know. But... chief, Light's a bright kid."

"He doesn't trust me," they both got in the rental car, and Matsuda punched in the address where L's phone was, just to be safe. Near crawled into the backseat, sitting down,

"I think they don't like me." Near said quietly, playing with his toy, "So where are we going?"

"Where L's phone is. Kid," Matsuda turned to Near, "No matter what happens, unless Beyond Birthday is coming after you, do not get out of the car." He got driving, then turned to the chief, glad to be having a rational conversation as though his opinion mattered, "I can't say what Light's stance is, but coming after him is the worst thing you can do. For all he knows, you would kill anyone who is hiding him from you. Let him come back on his own time. If it makes you feel better, I can put a good word in if we find him, because I know L wants to. But for right now... it might be better Light is lost to us."

"And why is that?" He heard the anger and sighed,

"Beyond Birthday wants revenge, and what will happen if he finds out Light is his main competitor?"

OoOoO

Of all things L expected to be in Beyond's clutches, bored was not one of them. And yet, here he was. 

Ryusei had been gone for hours, and L was left alone, blindfolded with the ball gag still in his mouth. He didn't want to think about why Beyond Birthday had this type of gag instead of the typical cloth shoved in the mouth, and supposed if he put it that way, this ball-thing was more courteous. But his mouth still hurt. He had tried to squirm the thing off, but then found out the blindfold was attached to it in one big torture device, so he couldn't get it off.

The only thing he had was his pain and hearing. From time to time, he thought he felt something crawling on and whimpered because he was terrified of spiders, and being tied up on the ground in the woods did not help him there. He was also hungry and parched, but seeing as he wasn't being tortured right now, he decided to count his blessings.

As unpleasant as this whole experience was, it wasn't nearly as traumatic as expected. L hated the fact that Beyond had implied Watari's death was the only reason he was still alive, but he was currently trying to not like that seed of doubt Ryusei planted become anything more.

He looked in the direction of a sound when he heard the door open, wondering if it was Ryusei or someone coming to save him.

He winced at the sudden sunlight when the blindfold and gag came off. He found himself looking into Ryusei's cocoa-brown eyes, his natural color.

Ryusei was holding a bottle of water, before shoving part of it into L's mouth, forcing him to swallow the liquid rushing out. It had caught him off-guard at first, but eventually, the bottle was pulled away, and he saw Beyond had a cake and a spoon, digging into the thing and putting it in front of L's mouth, "Eat." 

Hesitantly, L opened his mouth, having quickly realized that Beyond wasn't going to untie him, and was going to spoon-feed him. Again, unexpected kindness.

"They're looking for you," Beyond whispered, "But I made sure to drop your phone a couple miles away. We don't want the police here."

L's eyes widened as he realized someone had called the task force, which meant Light had either bitten the bullet or was working in a separate group, which would end in disaster if Light took matters into his own hands.

"Let me go, and I can lead them away," L dared say, "You got your answers, right? There's no reason to keep me here. Come home with me, we can make changes together."

Beyond gave an odd little giggle in reply, shattering L's nerve; as he got up, straightening to his full height instead of hunching as L did, so he appeared to be far taller than he actually was, given that L was still sitting on the floor. L suppressed a shiver of fear as Beyond stepped towards him, his hair wild and thorny as though he'd mussed it up deliberately, to give himself a look more feral than that which he already possessed.

He reached down towards L, icy finger ghosting towards his throat, and L couldn't stop himself from shrinking back as Beyond's breath was at his ear,

"You really think I will give up so easily? You're just the bait. So in the meantime, tell me why you've been hanging out with Kira." 

L tensed, "What are you talking about? My group has a Death Note, but none of us are Kira."

"Then explain why the girl has the eyes, like me, and hundreds of years on her lifespan. And both she and the boy, Light, has the mark. You have it too since you're clearly the owner of this notebook. But Yagami's is much brighter."

L felt his everything he had known in the last months crash down around him. But then his mind went back to rational and knew that he didn't care that Light was Kira at some point. It was clear he had seen the error of his ways and changed. And if L had it in him to forgive Kira, this was something he could use to bring Ryusei back,

"I know he is. And I don't care. I know he did it with good intentions and didn't plan to use it selfishly. Like me, he thought it was a joke at first, but when he was able to save people with it, the Death Note started calling to him. I know how that feels. When Roger told me he had let Mello go, I had debated using the notebook to kill him immediately. Light didn't want to be Kira, and he doesn't plan to become Kira again."

Beyond's eyes widened, "W-Wha..." he glared, "And where was this compassion when it was me in prison with people encouraging the Death Penalty?"

"And yet you're still here." L replied, "I made sure they didn't execute you. But even then, it wasn't only personal that I knew you, not that I understood the feeling. Here's the thing, Beyond, Light's situation is also my fault partially. I traumatized Light into silence, destroyed his life... and he had quit as Kira at the time, had no memory of it."

He already knew Light had actually been kidnapped by Mikami, the gunshot proved it. But it had probably been that Mikami was crazed and devoted to Kira to a fault, and upon realizing Light had quit, considered him a deceiver or false prophet or whatever.

But Light had stopped being Kira when he started confinement, and while he had regained his memories, he hadn't started again, that much was clear. Ryuk had mentioned already that he had more than one Death Note, and then there was Rem, so it wasn't likely Mikami had been part of the plan.

Higuchi... it was hard to tell. Judging by the relationship between Light and Ryuk, Ryuk had been Light's former Shinigami, not Rem—who was probably Misa's. When Misa lost her memories, Rem took the Death Note to Higuchi to appease boredom, and when Light gave it up, Ryuk took it to Mikami. 

Whether this was an elaborate plan of Light's and the trauma was a severe hiccup, or the Shinigami were just bored and switched when the former owner quit, L decided not to think about it.

He knew Beyond wasn't lying about this—he was never the type of person to do that, and it added to L's suspicions from long ago. L wanted to ask, really wanted to ask Light some questions on this stuff if he got the chance, but feared that would send Light over the edge.

Even if Light had been Kira at one point, he wasn't anymore, and L was going to accept that to the best of his abilities—which, thankfully, did include keeping the secret and not having Light imprisoned and executed since the poor thing had been through enough. But he feared he would start treating Light differently at this knowledge, no longer the wrongfully accused, but now accurately accused, but action was taken when things had changed.

However, unbeknownst to L but knownst to Beyond, someone was listening to them right now.


	40. Chapter 40

"So... Mel," Matt asked, "Explain to me how you made the mafia your bitch." Mello chuckled,

"You doubted me? I've actually made multiple mod organizations my bitch in the last few months. Don't doubt me." Misa raised an eyebrow,

"Yeah, but that guy," she gestured to a massive man at least seven feet tall, "Looks like he could snap you in half with no effort." Mello had his arms behind his head in a relaxed position as they walked through the woods,

"That doesn't change the fact that each man here, on shaking knees, has knelt before me. And this comes in pretty handy when we're fighting a half-Shinigami who's known for brutal murders and fire."

Misa shrugged, knowing the young man had a point. She turned to Light, who had run ahead, holding a gun. It was startling to see him actually holding a weapon, which meant L being capture had snapped something in him and made him determined to find and save him at all costs.

When Misa thought about it, wasn't this—minus the mafia part—what L had done to save Light from Mikami. Things were coming full circle. She just hoped things wouldn't end the same way.

...

After Matt had tracked the car to these woods, Light knew that L was here somewhere. There was so much forest to go through to find L, so Light was following his gut. He held a gun in his hand, but what nobody knew was it wasn't loaded. It had a blank because, in Light's experience, a blank was so much worse than the real thing. That, and he didn't want to actually kill anyone.

He froze when he thought he heard something in the trees, and looked up, seeing a figure standing on a high branch. They made eye contact, and Light assumed that was the undisguised Beyond Birthday. He clenched his fist, knowing he couldn't exactly call for backup, but if he didn't chase after Beyond, they might never find L.

This was _stupid_ , but he was doing it, which was hard to do with a limp on uneven terrain. And he was ready to collapse by the time he found himself by a run-down cabin. His blood ran cold, and the part of him who secretly enjoyed horror movies was telling him that L was already dead, and he better get the fuck out of here before he got ax murdered.

But just because he wasn't suicidal anymore and didn't want to be executed, didn't mean he had much of a self-preservation instinct left, especially when his friend was in danger—and it was his fault.

First, he had to gauge what condition L was in and if they were going to need emergency personnel. He peeked through the partially broken window and was horrified when Beyond removed a gag and blindfold from L but relaxed a little as the serial killer fed him and gave him water. Light also noticed that stab through his hand had been cauterized, but his bare feet were horrifically bruised, meaning he would probably have to be carried. He also winced at the cracking sound that came from L's jaw as he opened and closed his mouth.

Then they started conversing, and it was clear that while L had somehow talked his way out of being murdered or tortured, he wasn't free yet.

But then Beyond said something that made Light swear he had stopped breathing.

"You really think I will give up so easily? You're just the bait. So in the meantime, tell me why you've been hanging out with Kira." 

L tensed visibly, looking at Beyond quizzically, "What are you talking about? My group has a Death Note, but none of us are Kira."

"Then explain why the girl has the eyes, like me, and hundreds of years on her lifespan. And both she and the boy, Light, has the mark. You have it too since you're clearly the owner of this notebook. But Yagami's is much brighter."

 _No, no, no, no, no!_ Light felt like he was going to faint, but dug his nails into his palms, only letting a strangled scream out which he hid with his scarf. L knew! Light could already feel the noose tightening around his next, the floor giving out under him. Of L glaring hatefully at him as he was led to his execution, look of hatred, Misa being sent to death with him, being executed together.

If he wasn't scared out of his mind before, L's response made him tremble,

"I know he is."

 _W-What? He—No, this can't be—What? No, after what happened, he would never ever spare Kira's life._ Light listened as L continued to speak.

"And I don't care. I know he did it with good intentions and didn't plan to use it selfishly. Like me, he thought it was a joke at first, but when he was able to save people with it, the Death Note started calling to him. I know how that feels. When Roger told me he had let Mello go, I had debated using the notebook to kill him immediately. Light didn't want to be Kira, and he doesn't plan to become Kira again."

Was that what L thought? Did he really know and understand, and was going to spare him? That sounded too good to be true, especially since he was to blame for Watari's death.

Beyond's eyes widened, "W-Wha..." he glared, "And where was this compassion when it was _me_ in prison with people encouraging the Death Penalty?"

"And yet you're still here." L replied, and there was compassion in his voice, "I made sure they didn't execute you. But even then, it wasn't only personal that I knew you, not that I understood the feeling. Here's the thing, Beyond, Light's situation is also my fault partially. I traumatized Light into silence, destroyed his life... and he had quit as Kira at the time, had no memory of it."

Beyond Birthday scampered back as though he had been burnt, "And you let me rot in prison when you knew I _wanted_ to die! We were friends, and so the only thing I can see to get back at you and get some much-deserved revenge," Beyond grinned, "Is this." Faster than a bullet, Beyond dove out the window, grabbed Light by the throat, and pulled him inside.

"Light?!" L's voice went up an octave as he struggled with his bonds, "Ryusei, let him go."

"And if I don't?" Beyond grinned, staring at the scars on Light's arms looking like a child in a candy store, "Oh, this is rich. The great Kira, feared or loved by all, is no more than a delicate child. Well, if you like pain so much," Beyond pulled out his knife, "Let's see... from where I stand if I hurt L, Kira suffers, but if I torture Kira, L suffers. Hm, what a difficult choice this is." He put a finger under his chin, before looking at Light, "Oh, I should probably relieve you of your weapon. Did you really come alone?"

L narrowed his eyes, "Light, for the love, did you seriously come alone when I specifically said that was a terrible idea." 

Before Light could react, his hands were pinned behind him. He was shoved on the ground next to L, also handcuffed to the post. L took that as an answer and shook his head as though to say, "are you kidding me?!"

Beyond Birthday yawned, "I lured Kira here, but the others are still wandering the woods." He pulled a jar of jam out of the mini-fridge and sat on the bed in the corner, "By the time I finish this, I'll decide which one of you I'm gonna carve up. Either way, you both suffer. Or maybe I'll kill you both. So get to that heart-to-heart."

"You know, Ryusei," L snapped, "Here I thought we were having a moment, and maybe you were going to make the right choice." 

"I'm a deranged serial killer, driven to madness by the men who raised us, what did you expect? Let's just say this is the final setting of the beloved sun, L Lawliet. Tomorrow dawns in darkness, and the nighttime has begun." 

"Ah, so Light's gonna get out of this," L smirked, knowing he was playing a dangerous game, "After all, Yagami means Night God." Beyond scoffed, removing the lid of the jar,

"We can argue about such trivial things, or you two could clear things up and have lovey-dovey time before one of you finds yourself with your eye carved out or something along those lines. If I'm not smiling while I'm killing you, you get your fingers cut off for free." 

Light was shaking, unable to communicate with his hands chained behind him, memories of that night in the car flashing behind his eyes. And L still knew the truth.

L turned to him, "Light, I'm right here, everything's gonna be okay." He maneuvered his hand to hold Light's reassuringly, and Light couldn't get his crying under control.

...

L saw just how scared Light was, but saw it wasn't of Beyond Birthday, it was the PTSD of his current position, and L had no doubt Light had overheard the fact he knew the truth. L glared at Ryusei, "Could you give the two of us a moment alone? You know, there's still tons of police officers in the woods, and you don't want the screaming and swearing I'm going to be doing to lure them here, now do you?" Beyond shrugged,

"I suppose you're right. I'll be back very soon with my choice." He left, and L turned to Light,

"Please tell me you just ran ahead, and that there actually are cops." Light was still crying but used his foot to spell out M-A-F-I-A in the dirt on the ground. "What?! A Mafia?!"

M-E-L-L-O-S.

"You've got to be kidding me. Why were we even worried about that child?" L sighed, "How much of what I said to Ryusei did you hear? Squeeze my hand once for all, starting when Ryusei asked the Kira question, and twice for only some."

One squeeze.

"I see. I'll have you know I was lying when I said I already knew. But what I said about not being mad was all the truth. I'm not going to turn you in, I'll keep the secret—that's assuming we get out of this. Honestly, I'm more curious than anything else, about what was a plan of yours and what was a gloriously terrible disaster you hadn't prepared for. I'm guessing the whole thing with Mikami falls under the latter category." Light gave a pitiful little chuckle through his tears, nodding. L looked towards the window, "I know you feel terrible for what you did back then, so I'm not going to accuse you of that stuff—holy crap did you basically come clean to me at that toy store?!" He remembered being puzzled by Light's choice of 'words' with his gestures, but now it made sense.

He heard tapping and realized Light was using morse code. He listened closely,

 **"Don't hate me, please."** L smiled reassuringly,

"I don't hate you. Honestly, when you lost your memory, I should have assumed you were quitting, since you, after all, offered confinement more than once. Using your father was a low blow, and I'm really sorry. But... I didn't tell you this before, because I couldn't think of the right time. Your father begged me to think of some other option, but I was stubborn and didn't listen. He said that while you're a strong kid, that might be too much after confinement. But I ignored him and said it was the only way I would let you out."

 **"It was the right thing to do."** Light replied, but it took longer to translate through morse code, **"If you hadn't, I would still be... I wasn't quitting then. Only after I got my memory back did I quit."**

"Alright, then." L sighed, "For the record, we're still going to talk about this, mostly because I am extremely curious about this whole thing. But I just got an idea on how to escape. Since you were with the Mafia, I'm assuming Matsuda has the task force, which implies Misa is with the kids and has the Death Note, right?" A nod, "Okay, there's an apple pie in the mini-fridge, so if we can get towards the fireplace, we might be able to waft the smell of apples into the air, and Ryuk might get us out. If we make a break for it, not only will Beyond find us, but looking at the state of my feet, we wouldn't get far. Before you ask, I did that to myself by wearing orthotics too long."

**"How are we going to get over there? Handcuffs are an issue."**

"Fortunately, my wrists are small. The problem is that this is really gonna hurt, and I'm probably going to reopen my injury. Could I squeeze your hand while I'm getting the other one out? Then I'll be able to use the ax over there to get your cuffs off." He and Light made eye contact, and L saw what Light was saying with his eyes,

**"I trust you."**

"Thank you, Light." They held hands, and L sucked in a deep breath, maneuvering his injured hand out of the cuffs. His vision grew blinded by tears, but it worked, and he was free. His hand was bleeding again, wound reopened, but that was of little consequence as he grabbed a small ax and cut through the handcuffs, freeing Light. 

Together, they grabbed the pie and threw it into the fireplace and sighed in relief when the pleasant scent filled the room and out the windows.

Light looked down at L's bleeding hand and took off his jacket, using it to apply pressure to the wound. L was unsure of what to say as Light used his coat to not only put pressure on but also carefully wrap around the wound.

"Thank you, Light." He said, but then something beyond unexpected happened, something L had not thought he would live to hear again.

"No, thank _you_."

It was weak, hoarse from lack of use, and so quiet it could be mistaken for a breath...

But that was undeniably Light's voice.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, random thought. Is there a ship name for Light and Misa? I've been looking everywhere and I can't find one. What would it even be? Yagamane? If nobody tells me what that ship name is, I'm sticking with Yagamane.

L and Light stared at each other, both of their mouths agape. Even Light was shocked. He had wanted to message the words to L, but then his voice had a mind of its own and _said_ it!

"Light..." L whispered, "Did you just...?" Light tried to do it again, only to look away, embarrassed, when he failed. He was surprised by L's hand on his shoulder, "You're not going to miraculously be able to speak like normal immediately. It's going to take time. But you..." there were actual tears in L's eyes, pure joy, and even though Light knew L had been working with Matsuda to actually express emotions instead of being stoic all the time, it was still a little unnerving as L hugged him tightly.

"You know, when I said have your lover time before I came back, this wasn't what I meant." They turned and saw Beyond Birthday leaning in the doorway, "And why the hell was Kira working with the mafia?" Light stood in front of L protectively, but L still had to ask,

"I'm sorry, did you just say _lovers_?!" Beyond pointed a finger between them,

"Aren't you two... you know," he made a lewd gesture, and Light and L looked at each other, neither disgusted by the idea but also wondering what possibly gave the serial killer that idea.

Light slowly started walking towards Beyond, who was watching him curiously, then gasped as Light hugged him, pulling him close in a foreign embrace. 

"Wha..." Beyond glared, trying to get free, but Light wasn't letting go for a few moments, before releasing the hug and messaging him,

**"I know how what it's like, but the path of hate is dangerous. You take one step, and it's hard to turn back. It pulls you along, and though it seems wrong, it feels right. Don't you see this path you're on leaves a permanent mark? It feels good at first, then it slowly turns dark. With each passing day, you're further astray from what's right. You'll lose yourself until you lose complete control and realize there's nothing left to lose. Beyond, trust me, becoming the villain isn't the answer."**

Beyond stared at him, clearly trying to figure out of Kira was more insane than he'd thought. L came over,

"He's right, Ryusei. I'm not going to pretend I know what you've gone through, but mine and Light's friends would be more than happy to help you. If what you said is true about Misa having the eyes, I'm sure she can understand how you feel with that power. And before we have a dramatic moment in which we almost get through to you and then fail when assistance comes at the last second, we did use the apple pie to call Ryuk here and probably the rest of the mafia."

"So, you're asking me to be your friend and giving me tons of people to kill as a peace offering?" Beyond raised an eyebrow, "That's weird." 

"It was more a backup plan just in case you decided to set us on fire," L replied, "And for the record, you better not be—no, stop that, I can see the sadistic gears turning."

"I was actually thinking about the mafia," Beyond shrunk down, shaking his head, and L grinned to himself, knowing Light had gotten through to Ryusei, and this was the stage of him trying to deny it, "But I'm not like you." He grew aggressive, shoving Light away, but not with as much force as he would have before, "You lost your nerve and lost the game, but I _chose_ this."

"So did I." Light once again forced out those three words, but that was all he could manage, then pulled up his sleeves to show all the self-harm scars, as though saying this was what the choice to use the Death Note had brought him.

Beyond's eyes widened, the sight of this hitting a nerve, but not one of rage. His bottom lip quivered, and he broke down in tears. Light once again hugged him, but this time Beyond returning it, his head at the crook of Light's neck.

Light turned to L, gesturing for him to join in. L smiled a little, seeing how much Light had grown as a person. He had known when he saw Light again after their deaths and saw he had a new life. But now, knowing he had been Kira and had not only seen the error of his ways, but used that experience to help another in desperate need, showing that Light was a fantastic person, and even if he didn't think so anymore, the world needed someone like him.

"I'm sorry," Ryusei wept, "I couldn't..." he started screaming, punching both of their chests, and both Light and L took it—but Light was clearly in more pain doing so, "It's their fault! They don't care about us! If they did, Kai would still be alive!" They both sat there and let him vent his anger, knowing he needed to do this. Once he was out of fuel, it would be easier to talk to him.

"I know," L cupped Beyond's cheek, "We get to go back. Honor Kai's memory by making things better. We'll get you help." He went to help Beyond stand, "Come on, are you..."

"I wanted to kill you both." He whispered, "Why are you so ready to forgive me?"

Light was still sitting on the floor, and L helped him up and messaged, **"My kill count is in the thousands. If he can forgive me, three kills and kidnapping is _nothing_." **

Beyond chuckled, but it held no humor, he looked away meekly, "L, how long have you known about him?"

"I honestly had abandoned the idea until you asked what I was doing with Kira. But except for the thing about already knowing, I meant what I said about not caring."

They all turned when the door got kicked down, and a man with a shotgun came in. Beyond narrowed his eyes and threw a knife into the person's eye with lethal accuracy.

"Thanks for the heads up about that," he said, "Can I go shred the rest? I have a lot of anger that I need to get out."

Neither knew how to respond to that, because on the one hand, neither wanted Mello associated with the mafia, but they also didn't want Beyond to have a higher kill count, making it harder to come to his senses. Light needed to go down a downward spiral of self-loathing, guilt, and mutism to snap out of it, and neither of them wished that on anyone.

"Please don't." L sighed as Beyond grinned,

"I feel like I've been issued a challenge."

"Ryusei!"

Beyond crossed his arms, "Fine, only if they attack me." He smiled a little, "Thank you..."

"You're still getting a ton of therapy, for the record," L replied, "But you're welcome."

"APPLES!" Ryuk barreled in the door, "Where are the apples?!" Light pointed at the fireplace where the pie was burned to a crisp. Ryuk glared at him in such a way that made them both laugh and want to run.

"You three are lucky you're immune to the Death Note." He growled, "And you owe me so many apples for that. Oh, right now, the police and the mafia are battling while your band of misfits is watching this unfold."

Beyond Birthday, Light, and L all looked at each other, unsure what to make of that revelation. 

"So..." they heard a gunshot outside, and without even thinking, Light hid behind L, because guns still had a ton of PTSD for him that he had been able to ignore when his friend was in danger, but now he remembered all his issues.

L turned to Beyond, "I'm the one they're here to save, so I'll be right back." He walked outside, "Guys! Calm the fuck down!" 

"L!" He looked up and saw Mello and Matt were sitting in a tree with Matsuda and Misa, watching the battle below. L didn't want to think about how they had gotten up there, and where the hell was Near. "You're okay!"

"Yeah, I am, and I snapped Beyond out of his rage. He needs therapy, but he's our friend now. Misa, you're probably the best person qualified to help him, and you know why."

"WHAT?!" Misa fell out of the tree—thankfully, they were on a low branch. She jumped up, "Where's Light?!"

"Inside trying to not freak out from the PTSD of firearms." He sent a pointed look at the task force. Aizawa had his hands up in exasperation,

"What else are we supposed to use against the mafia and a serial killer?"

"Beyond Birthday just killed all your opponents with a knife used for cutting bell peppers," L said in his usual monotone voice, gesturing to the bloodshed he had noticed in his peripheral vision Beyond was causing. Beyond Birthday was in the middle of hacking up a guy, and he seemed to be pretending the dude was Roger.

Ide stared at what Beyond was doing, "We're going to be keeping him around?"

"We kept Ryuk." Was all L said in response, walking over to Beyond, "Ryu, he's dead now, stop mutilating him. I will get you all the stress toys you want to destroy, but human bodies do not fall under that category." He gestured for Misa to come over, "Just... talk out your shared trait and the struggles."

Matsuda jumped down from the tree, hugging L tightly, "I thought we lost you!" He gaped at the wound which had stopped bleeding, but was still extremely deep and in need of medical attention—he wasn't going to even pretend he didn't know infection was going to set in if it hadn't already. But his palm still had the cauterized marks, so it wasn't straight through anymore.

"Matsuda, I told you I was going to get through to him one way or another. But it turns out Light was the one to actually do it." He wasn't going to tell anyone Light's secret unless Light was ready. Of all the members of the task force, Matsuda had always been a borderline Kira-supporter, so that reveal would go best with him, but that wasn't L's secret to tell.

Mogi was calling an ambulance, just in case L or Light were hiding injuries. L turned and blanched.

Soichiro stood just in front of the door to the cabin, but he wasn't opening the door, as though he was afraid to. Light was in there, and there was no backdoor. Unless Light planned to jump out the window, there was no escape from this reunion—actually, if Light truly wanted to avoid this, L had no doubt he _would_ jump out the window and make a break for it.

...

"Light..." Light heard his father's voice, and his breath caught in his throat, already going for the window to run away. This couldn't be... it was supposed to be going back when he chose, not— "I'm only going to come in if you open the door." That made Light stop, deciding to listen to what his father had to say. "Aizawa told me, about no control over a situation being a significant trigger of yours...and I know this kind of reunion isn't your ideal. But... please, son, I need you to understand, I only went along with the plan of a mock execution because I thought you would be okay. If I had known it would hurt you, I would have forced Ryuzaki to come up with something else. I understand why you don't trust me, and I can't blame you. But... I'm sorry, Light, for destroying your trust in me. You think I would choose justice over my family, but if that had been real, I would have let you go, told you to run, and damned the consequences. I love you, Light, never forget that."

Light remembered what L had said about his father fighting him on the idea. Could he... he also recalled what Sayu had said about their home life had changed. That nightmare appeared in his head too, so he weighed the pros and cons...

Before opening the door.

...

Soichiro had honestly expected Light to not open the door, so he stumbled a little since he had been using the doorframe to support his weight.

Laying eyes on his son for the first time in months, Soichiro knew this wasn't the same boy who had died months ago.

His hair was much longer, in a ponytail over his shoulder, and darker—probably from some hair dye used to disguise himself. His eyes were much older, but there was a glimmer of hope in them instead of that endless wishing for death gaze he'd had before. He was also thinner, and had a noticeable preference for his right leg, and had more scars visible on his arms, but Soichiro also noticed that none of the ones he could see were fresh. 

Light smiled shyly, and Soichiro opened his jacket, revealing he had discarded his weapon before even coming close to the door. He remembered when they were stuck in that elevator, and Light had a seizure from that panic attack. If he was going to do this, bring Light home, he hated to admit Aizawa was right, and it needed to be at Light's pace. 

It had taken a lot of convincing, but Aizawa had caved and told him everything they knew, which wasn't much after the rescue. He had still refused to say what had happened when Light was kidnapped by Mikami, just that Light had been confirmed to make a full recovery except for a limp. Soichiro wanted to know what that bastard Mikami had done to his son to cause a permanent limp, but knew not to push Light on this.

Hearing about Light's trigger with control had been the thing to snap him out of the state of bringing Light home at all costs because the whole point of that was to fix their family, not drive Light over the edge.

He was pissed at Matsuda for lying to him, but he understood Matsuda had been doing what was best for Light.

For at least a minute, all Soichiro and Light did was stare at each other, wondering if they needed to make the first move or the other would. 

Hesitantly, Soichiro held his hand out, showing he meant no harm and seeing how Light would react. When Light didn't flinch or step back, Soichiro took a step forward and continued the slow process until he was hugging Light gently just in case there were injuries.

"Oh, Light, I've missed you so much." 

He felt the moment Light melted into the embrace and hugged back, weeping quietly, and then Light whispered, "Dad..." which shocked him. Light was able to speak? That was the final straw, and he was crying too, and both father and son lowered to the floor and held each other, reunited at last.


	42. Chapter 42

There was lots of insane aftermath to the SBBB kidnapping case. Most of which included explaining to the task force that they shouldn't question the emotionally unstable serial killer crying his eyes out while mutilating a corpse and venting his problems about being born with superpowers to Misa, who to their knowledge doesn't know anything that would help him. No, ignore that, focus on the cute father-son reunion, which went much better than expected. 

Or the fact L's adrenaline took the next bus out and told him that "hey, remember when you thought the horrific wound on your hand had yet to be infected? Fuck that, you've got a fever, and there goes your balance!"

"L!" Matsuda caught him as his legs gave out under him, and he got a look at the wound, seeing there was dirt _inside_ the flesh of his hand. All the bones were badly broken too.

Light looked up from where he was reuniting with his father and ran over, realizing now that the flush L had wasn't the lighting or fear, but a fever.

"We need to get you to a doctor," Matsuda insisted, not even hesitating to scoop L into his arms, bridal style.

"No doctors..." L whispered, "I'm not in the system. If they tried to use bloodwork or fingerprints, nothing would come up."

Matsuda sighed, looking to the geniuses for an answer for a way to help their friend, "Does anyone here know first aid or _anything_?!"

"I already called an ambulance," Mogi said, and L groaned,

"Someone get me out of here and have the ambulance for these dead bodies, I'm not being treated in a system where Kira was less evil than most healthcare plans." Light saw L was specifying with his eyes that he saw Higuchi and Mikami as evil, not Light, and this brought both relief and a mutual agreement that the people who got the Death Note were nuts.

"Uh... L," Aizawa said, "Hate to be _that_ guy, but your hand is badly infected, and you could very well die."

"Alright, you guys explain that to American officials that I'm not an illegal immigrant or whatever Americans get angry about this week." Everyone looked to each other before realizing that by the time they explained everything to doctors here, regarding the nature of the injury and L's lack of being in the system, they could also be on a plane back to Japan. There, L had plenty of medical workers he had hired at the task force headquarters—and it looked like that building would get used again.

Light messaged everyone, **"So are we all gonna get out of here and back to the car? Also, where's Near?"**

"The car." Matsuda explained, "I didn't think it was best to have children around a potentially dangerous opponent. Don't worry, I left the window partially opened, and he had plenty of toys to keep him occupied.

Mello and Matt were both fussing over L, who was clearly trying to stay strong, but a curse of being safe meant his body had decided he was allowed to be weak around these people. This was not good.

The private jet was big enough to fit them all, but it would take hours to get there. Light supposed that since they were five hours out of Santa Barbara, where the hotel was. If they called the pilot right now, then drove back to the hotel to get their stuff, they could make it to the airport. The only problem was hiding L or at least not revealing how sick he was. And those bruises on his feet were nasty, but that could be easily concealed by those slippers that looked like boots. His hand, on the other hand... if they wrapped it, then put gloves on, that might work. It was March now, though, so would people buy it?

For now, he was getting ahead of himself. They had to get back to the car. Beyond ran into the cabin, grabbing L's shoes and socks, as well as a couple water bottles from the mini-fridge, one he put on L's forehead as a makeshift cold compress, and another for the liquid to pour gently into his mouth. 

"I'm okay," L croaked, but it was clearly a lie. Mello crossed his arms,

"Sure, and Beyond _didn't_ just wipe out an entire mafia in mere minutes." He gestured to the corpses around them, and the bloodied knife Beyond Birthday had at his hip.

"What?" Beyond shrugged, "They were all meant to die in the next week anyway." Ide looked at Beyond,

"So... what exactly is your power? You were just born with the ability to see names and lifespans."

"If I wasn't, it got it when I was very little. According to Ryuk, I'm half-Shinigami. Does that mean I get wings?" Beyond looked up at Ryuk as they were all walking, and Light was glad the conversation, and L's evident curiosity was keeping him focused and not going into any white lights. He noticed his father had given him a jacket, and without thinking, Light had leaned in. It felt good, but he knew it was only a matter of time before nightmares of that night came back to haunt him. When he got back to Japan, he'd start going back to regular therapy sessions.

He still couldn't believe he had said seven whole words today, even if they were small words and not even sentences, but seeing as he hadn't spoken in months, this was fine. He'd get there. But for now, helping L was the priority.

At the very least, L hadn't been shot repeatedly and bled out. It was an infection, and that wasn't good, he still needed medical attention. He cursed L's secrecy and probably no medical insurance. He felt like an idiot for not noticing before how ill L was. But he supposed he had been more worried about PTSD and the idea of Beyond deciding to horrifically kill them both, and L hadn't seemed in too bad a state at the time.

He realized now that every second didn't feel like an hour that they actually weren't very far from the trail, so it took maybe a half-hour to get back to the cars, where Near was waiting in one. Matsuda went into all the vehicles they had, stealing all the pillows and blankets to make a makeshift bed in the rental car, and resting L down gently. Light smiled a little to his father and climbed into that backseat with L, letting the detective use his legs as a pillow.

Getting a good look at L's hand-wound for the first time, especially with it open now, he noticed not only red streaks coming from it, but there were odd colors of pus inside his hand. Light resisted the urge to vomit, and his mind wandered to what if he had been freed without needing to break open the cauterization, so they would have never known it was infected from the interior, and he could have died.

All four of L's successors, past and present, also got in the car, which at this point overcrowded it. Matsuda was in the driver's seat, Matt was in the passenger seat since he didn't know how to help. Near had one of the middle seats, and Light was glad there were three rows of seats in this car. He wondered where Misa was since he hadn't seen her and found himself worried, but since Beyond was also here.

Near watched on with evident worry on his face, while Mello and Beyond were fussing over L, trying to get him comfortable. Mello examined L's hand and, surprisingly, didn't look like he was going to be sick. Though he also had countless mafia contacts, so that didn't come as too much of a shock.

"You didn't clean it before cauterizing?!" Mello screeched at Beyond, who shrunk down in shame,

"I didn't cross my mind to do anything except stopping the bleeding." Beyond replied, "Look at his clothes, that is a lot of blood, and that's not the half of it!"

Light looked down and only at that moment appreciated how much blood had come out of L's hand alone. For Light, who had an unfortunate reputation of cutting himself into unconsciousness regularly, the amount on L wasn't much. It was enough to make someone dizzy and disoriented—which was a weird feeling, and while Light wouldn't deny he enjoyed that sensation, he also knew L would hate it with a passion.

_Stop it, Light, you're thinking about cutting again. Can you not be selfish for once in your existence and recognize your feverish friend right in front of you?_

He didn't have any method of coping with those thoughts right now, and knew to bite his lip or digging his nails into his palm was a terrible idea. He hadn't cut in a while, and he knew all the stress, even if some good things came from it, was going to freak him out again. He knew he would need to consciously avoid knives for a while.

Which wasn't easy because he could see the knife Beyond still had, which was poorly cleaned of blood. For a second, Light's mind flashed to himself, cutting, seeing that red liquid spilling out of his arms.

He shook himself, using the heat radiating off of L as a method to focus himself. What? Were knives a trigger now? This had only been a minor problem before when he'd started trying to get off the blades, why was it happening now?

Light quickly figured out the reason was that the only times he had seen blood since then was when Misa's cycle started out of the blue. And that sounded unpleasant in every way, so no amount of machoism would make his brain associated Misa's period with "you should cut today, or right now!"

Blood and knives separately weren't a problem, but together he was reminded of his little habit, and the desire made itself known from where he had stubbornly locked it in his subconscious. He told the voice to shut up, but the damn thing was more persistent than Ryuk with his apple addiction and kept on nagging him.

He knew that for the next couple of weeks, he would need to avoid all the knives, and someone else was cooking.

Matsuda looked back at them, "L, are you doing okay?" 

"Not particularly, no." L replied, and he sounded a lot better than he should, as though this was barely an inconvenience, "But if y'all could distract me from my pain somehow, that would be great." 

"What the hell are we supposed to do?" Mello asked, "Beyond, you got us into this mess. You think of something." Beyond raised the knife over L's hand, and everyone panicked.

Beyond turned to them all, "Isn't surgery just stabbing something to life?"

"Please never become a surgeon," Near said quietly, but insistently, "Even _if_ that's what surgery is, we are not only in a car, but the issue is an infection." He looked at L—meanwhile, Matsuda was going as fast as he could while taking into account the speed limit, the fact there were two people unbuckled, and one sick and injured.

"L, do you need anything?" Matt asked, and L adjusted himself a bit, shivering and finding himself moving closer to Light in an attempt to share his body heat. 

"Girl Scout Cookies? Those are in season, right?" L asked, and both Light and Matsuda, who had never been to America during that season or at all in Light's case, thought he'd just gone off the deep end and was delirious.

"I'm sorry, what?" Matsuda asked, and Mello shrugged,

"It's an American thing. Don't question it. And yes, those are in season, but do you really want us to stop the car and get you some when we could be getting you medical attention?"

"Yes. I want cookies, you can't find these in Japan or Europe." L had another shivering fit, and Beyond took off his jacket to wrap around L.

Matsuda chuckled from the driver's seat, "I guess some things never change. But L, this is serious."

"You're damn right it's serious! I want cookies!"

It was at this moment everyone wondered if L was delirious, or this was just how he got when sick. Judging by the state of his hand and the heat radiating off him, it could be either.

Light moved a bit, grabbing one of the water bottles and pouring some of the contents on a clean sock, placing it on L's forehead in an attempt to get him to cool down.

It was about an hour of everyone bickering and Light sitting quietly, unsure of what to do, before L was asleep. At that point, everyone had accepted there was nothing they could do for him until they got out of the car and had some legroom.

Another four hours had everyone anxious as L just got worse, but at least he was asleep for the most part and not deliriously ranting about cookies anymore.

When they finally got back to the hotel, Matsuda was the first out of the car. 

"Alright, we need to be headed for the airport in two hours. For now, Near, put the slippers on L to hide his feet, and I'll carry him under a ton of blankets to make it look like he's asleep without being horribly sick. Mello and Matt, I'm sending you to the store with L's wallet to get medical supplies, and those cookies L was mentioning. Light, use the keycard to open the door to the room."

Usually, Light would be disappointed about having less to do, but figured he would also have to do lots of tending to L's needs. Near and looking at Beyond with a level of suspicion that L used to reserve expressly for Light.

When they got into the room, L was instantly placed on the bed and changed out of his beige button-down shirt, black jeans, and brown coat. Now he wore essentially what he wore for the first twenty-five years of his life—a white shirt and blue parts, though right now it was sweat pants and not jeans.

Aizawa looked down at L, "He really needs a hospital."

"I know," Matsuda whispered, "Come on, L, just let us take you to a hospital."

"No," L said weakly, but his stubbornness remained, "I don't have medical insurance."

"L," Mogi insisted, and L sat up, wincing at the pain in his hand,

"No buts. I can hold on for a day." They all knew L needed help but also knew that no matter how much L had grown, he would still be stubborn about this, probably more so since he was the one in need of it.

Mello and Matt came back with the supplies, and Light got to cleaning L's wound since he was the least squeamish of the people who could be trusted. L hissed, his overheating body trembling, and Matsuda held L's good hand and let him squeeze if needed.

It was hard to watch for everyone, and Light with the utmost care cleaned out the wound and then used some medical glue to keep it shut, for now, before gingerly wrapping it.

"Just rest, L," Light actually spoke, making sure that way his point would not be ignored, but found he couldn't verbally get out anymore, so he messaged, **"If you're worried about no insurance, I can take some money from work to pay off a hospital trip for you. Then we're getting you medical insurance, and you're not fighting me on this."**

"Okay..." L whispered, his voice slightly slurred. Out of the corner of his eye, Light saw Misa and his father talking about something. He wondered what it was, and wanted to ask, but L took his hand, "Thanks, Light."

"Anytime." 


	43. Chapter 43

The plane ride was long and painful. Getting through the airport while trying to explain away why they needed to carry L was stressful enough. But it had been three hours, and L was getting worse. His new clothing was already soaked with sweat, and his temperature was getting higher.

Light changed the cold compress, brushing back L's sweat-soaked hair that had plastered itself to the detective's forehead. Then he held up some water, guiding it into L's mouth.

Matsuda was pacing the place, not caring when he stumbled occasionally, he hated feeling so useless. He wanted to help, but he honestly didn't know how, and L only seemed to trust Light right now when it came to medication and such to relieve the pain.

The mood was somber, nobody spoke much. Mello and Matt were so desperate for a distraction from their ailing mentor that they were playing with Near. Beyond was sitting awkwardly in the corner with Misa, taking in hushed voices. Only L and Light would know what they were talking about, and if L wasn't delirious right now, he, like Light, would be glad Beyond had someone to talk to about an issue he'd thought he was alone in.

The majority of the task force was wondering why they had bothered coming down when L and Light got through to Beyond, snapping him out of his rage, and then he killed the mafia men all on his own with no struggle. While things could have turned out very differently, the current situation hadn't required them.

L whimpered, uncharacteristically vulnerable. Light wished he could take L's pain away since it was still his fault L was in this situation to begin with.

"C-Cold," L shivered, looking at Light through half-lidded grey eyes. Light went to grab another blanket, but just as he wrapped it around L, the detective let out a bloodcurdling shriek.

Near jumped up, "I knew it," 

"Knew what?" Aizawa asked, and Near tore at his hair,

"The infection spread to the rest of his body. He needs a hospital _now_ , or he will die."

Matsuda whirled around, "Infections can do that?!" 

"Yes. It's not all too common, but it can happen. It certainly explains why L's gotten so sick. You all just saw how one blanket was the change between freezing and burning for his internal temperature."

Light gestured to L, **"If you know this, you treat him!"**

"I can't. Even if I know about a condition doesn't mean I can treat it. Besides, we don't have the supplies for doing so."

"How long does he have?" Beyond asked, and Near shrugged,

"I don't know. He got the injury two days ago at this point, and infection would have set in within the first eight hours. Fortunately, we should be landing in an hour or so, and the hospital is only a twenty-minute drive from the airport."

Light turned to look at L, who had stopped screaming but was still crying. He grabbed more cold water, poured it on a towel, and once again ran the chilled cloth along L's arms and torso to cool him off.

There were many times in Light's life where he felt like the seconds were hours, but knowing L could actually die had him doing constant double-takes to make sure his friend was still alive. He wanted to hate Beyond for causing this, but he knew firsthand what the path of hate and murder did to a person, and he had seen with his own eyes that striking L's hand had not been the intention. He would be a hypocrite to hold this against Beyond Birthday.

But then again, he was a hypocrite for hating Mikami and Higuchi, so he allowed himself to be bitter. If L lived, he could get past it, but he didn't know what he was going to do if L died.

When they finally landed, L hadn't gotten any worse, but the chilly Japan air in contrast to the heating in the plane could hurt him. So Light had to bite the bullet of hearing L's pained cries as he put a jacket on him and carried him, not caring at all if anyone was following as he ran through the airport, got his car with L in a seat. Misa and Matsuda were right behind him, and Light slammed on the pedal, expertly weaving past more cars then he cared to count, probably going double the speed limit trying to get to the hospital. Matsuda would have customarily called Light out on it, but their friend was on the brink.

Misa was clearly queasy by the time they got out of the car, but she too was more preoccupied with L, whose face was twisted in agony. Two days ago, he was fine. Now, he could die at any moment.

Everything felt like it was going too fast and too slow at the same time. Light wondered if this was how everyone felt when he had been shot—oh crap, his father didn't know about the train-wreck that was his body's state. He also told himself that he was _never_ going to tell anyone, not even L or Misa, that the majority of his "torture injuries" were self-inflicted. Ryuk was the only one who knew the truth, and Light wanted to keep it that way.

Fortunately, the screaming person with badly bruised feet and fever-flushed skin, being carried by a friend, had been the deadliest thing the hospital was dealing with at the moment, so they didn't need to do any agonizing waiting. L was put on a stretcher and brought back.

It was an hour before anyone else arrived, and all of L's successors were inquiring about his condition. Light was worried because they hadn't heard anything. If he was dead, they would have known by now, but it couldn't be that hard for experienced doctors to stabilize someone. Right?

"I'm getting really tired of this waiting room," Mogi said, "Last time we were here was with Light, and I do not want to remember that." He shuddered, and Soichiro looked Light over,

"Now that Light is back, can someone finally tell me what happened?"

Everyone looked to each other worriedly, debating if that was the right thing to do. Well, they were already in a hospital, so if the chief had a heart attack, they were in the right place. 

Light hesitantly lifted his shirt, glad they were in the private room, so nobody except those who already knew would see. 

"A-Are those bullet wounds?!" Light nodded,

 **"Got shot twice. I'm fine now, but that's why I have a limp."** His father was still staring in abject horror, and Light put his shirt back on, blushing, **"I'm serious, I'm okay. I guess if cutting was good for anything, it made blood loss and knife wounds not bother me."**

Soichiro fainted.

"That went better than I expected," Misa said, as Near was using a magazine to fan the chief's face. Matt was playing games on the computer, and Beyond was staring out the window absently.

"Better than you expected?" Aizawa asked, and Misa shrugged,

"Yeah. I expected a heart attack."

Everyone winced at the phrase because while heart attacks were a natural part of life, it also reminded them of Kira and his cute little quirks.

They all turned when a nurse came in. Matsuda jumped up, "How's Yuki?" L had been checked in under his Yuki Maeda alias. 

"He's stable," the nurse assured, "But the doctor wants to talk to you about the nature of his injury."

"There was an incident," Mello said, "The rest is on a need-to-know basis." He held up a badge, which Matsuda quickly realized was his that the blonde child had pickpocketed. 

"I-I see." The nurse shrunk back, likely assuming Yuki was a cop—which, seeing as his alias was a PI, wasn't far off, "Yuki is sleeping right now, and won't be up for more than one visitor at a time until he wakes."

"Light." Everyone said in synch, and Light flushed, shrinking down because there were plenty of people who cared about L. But he supposed that, of everyone, Light had known L the longest—though, in truth, the honor of who knew L best was probably Matsuda.

"Matsuda?" He offered, and Matsuda put his hands in his pockets,

"As much as I want to see him, I saw the way he got. He trusts you, and you hold a special place in his heart, I think he'd want to see you." Light smiled a little, still proud of himself for getting out words. At this rate, he'd be able to get out full sentences soon.

The nurse guided him along, and he was still a little guilty to have not given Misa enough attention these last couple days, but he knew she understood the reason.

Getting into L's hospital room, he was dismayed to see it was the ICU. After being stuck in here for a couple weeks after getting shot, he already knew L was going to hate this and would want to go home the moment he wasn't delirious either from his illness or the drugs they no doubt had to pump into his system. He had no doubt they would have had to drug L into submission since even anyone except Light offering water had made him freak out and kick up a fuss. Though Matsuda had been allowed to give blankets.

L himself already looked much better than he had before. His hand was bandaged correctly and stitched up, and the fevered flush had gone down. When Light sat down and got a better look, he noticed L's hair and body was wet, implying they'd shoved him in lukewarm water—not cold or ice, that could have sent his body into shock. He was still radiating heat, though, and had an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. 

_The nurse didn't say anything about a coma._ Light reminded himself, _He'd going to be okay with some rest and antibiotics. He'll wake up, no sudden and unexpected turns for the worst. Please, I don't know if there's a God, or if there is, that he would listen to me after all I've done, but please let L be okay and make a fast recovery._

He stayed with L all through the night, thinking, and realizing that if he was going to put his time as Kira behind him for good, there was one last thing he would have to do.

He'd have to ask Beyond what L's lifespan had been last time he'd seen him because that could hopefully give him some peace of mind, even if he knew that number could change at any second.

At some point, he was hungry and went to the vending machine for food, coming back and seeing L was still asleep. Bummer, he had been hoping L would be awake.

He sat down, opening the gummi bears to eat. 

He should have known _that_ was what would wake L up. L looked at him, then looked at the candy, and immediately reached with his good hand, as though saying "gimme." But Light also saw L's eyes were clouded, proving he still had a drug in his system.

Light smiled, then shook his head, but put the gummi bears in his messenger bag to not taunt L. 

"Rest," he insisted, listening to the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor. L stared at him, then looked at the IV in his arm, gazing at it as though he was trying to use telekinesis to take the injection out. L wasn't even all there yet, and he already obviously wanted to leave.

Smiling a little, glad L still had his stubbornness to him—a good sign, even if it was inconvenient. Light ran his hand through L's hair, which eventually lulled him to sleep.

He sent a quick message to Matsuda to tell the kids and Beyond that L had woke up briefly, then decided to get some shut-eye himself.


	44. Chapter 44

Matsuda had been waiting at the apartment nervously from a message from Light, saying L had woken up and was elated when he finally did. He had taken up the job of watching the littles while Misa and Beyond stayed at her place. He wondered what it was they could be talking about, that shared trait L mentioned. Maybe his parents were murdered like hers?

Born with the eyes, Matsuda had to admit he had been curious about the Shinigami eyes. Still, the idea of someone not only having been born with it but also maybe other powers, sounded cool if Matsuda didn't know better. If it had been any different power, like the Shinigami wings, it would be awesome no matter what way you slice it since those wings were retractable, but the eyes... 

Well, at least he could be friends with L and Light without fear—or maybe that would be worse if their lifespans were jumping all the time. Matsuda didn't know much about Beyond Birthday and was still angry at him for what he did to L, but if L—the most distrusting person on the planet—trusted him, Matsuda supposed he could too if there was some serious therapy for that young man.

He turned to where Mello and Matt were watching television, and Near played with toys quietly. The chief was here too, and Matsuda felt a little overcrowded but didn't want to send Soichiro home when he was clearly in some form of shock. Not that anyone could blame him after he found out his son had been maimed and shot twice. Matsuda wasn't sure what was worse, the chief finding out months later that his son had suffered and been tortured, or if he had been there and watched with own eyes as though bullets entered and exited Light's flesh, as his lifeblood flowed out of him at a steady pace.

He shuddered, not wanting to think about that incident, and now that knife going straight through L's hand was going to be stuck behind his eyelids.

"Guys, Light just messaged me. L woke up, and," he chuckled a little as he read the message, "He's a little loopy, but already wants to go home." 

"Nice!" Mello punched the air, "That means he's going to be okay if he's still stubborn."

"Here's hoping," Matsuda muttered, but he couldn't deny he was still worried that their luck would cause L to randomly die. Ryuk had assured him that their lifespans won't drop to zero during one of the jumps, but there was still a chance L's lifespan would linger at a low number long enough that the days would catch up with him.

What would happen once L was better? Matsuda didn't know. What about the kids? Would L go back to England? Would Light return to the Yagami household? What about Beyond Birthday? There were so many questions, and it was driving him mad, mainly because he didn't know what he wanted to do. He had to admit he liked having L as a roommate and best friend, and he had loved his time in England. L had offered to give him a place at Wammy's. But there was so much in Japan that he wasn't sure he would be able to give up.

What he did know was he was growing to love these brilliant children who L saw as little brothers. Wammy's House was an orphanage, not just a school, so maybe he could help give these kids good homes.

He looked up at Ryuk, "Ryuk, what are you going to do after this mess is resolved?"

"Me?" Ryuk gestured to himself, "I have to stay with the notebook until there is no longer an owner. Currently, Lawliet is the owner. If he were to die, ownership would be passed to the next person to touch it—probably you at this rate."

"So you're just gonna stick around?"

"Pretty much."

Curious, Matsuda opened the Death Note and looked at the rules, but then when he got to one of the first pages, he noticed that the handwriting inside looked kind of like Light's. And he knew very well what Light's writing was after these months.

He pulled out one of Light's communication notes he had yet to throw away out of his pocket and compared the writing, and his eyes widened when he saw it was identical. And at one point, the handwriting completely changed to Mikami's.

No way, this couldn't be real. Light couldn't have been Kira at some point, right? If L had ignored this, it had to be a coincidence, someone with similar handwriting. After all, there was the thirteen-day rule. But those names... well, if anybody could find a loophole in these rules, it would be Light. He and L both had even managed to cheat the very first rule of the Death Note involving the notebook's very purpose—killing people. 

If Light really was Kira at some point, he wasn't anymore. Matsuda himself had always been a borderline Kira supporter, which had stopped when he thought it was Higuchi and Mikami, who were insane. But if it was Light, that made Matsuda feel better about supporting him.

He heard Ryuk laughing, as he decided he would ask Light about it and hope it didn't scare him. But he also didn't want anyone else on the task force or L's successors to see this. 

The rules said that the book had infinite pages, and as long as the book itself was still able to be used, that destruction rule wouldn't kick in. So Matsuda tore out all the pages with Light's handwriting and threw them in the fireplace, only pocketing one so he could show Light he had a reason to ask. But was questioning even a good idea? If Light was formerly Kira, or also if he wasn't, the idea of being asked about that again might send him back on a downward spiral.

Looking at the page, seeing that handwriting, Matsuda didn't know what to do.

OoOoO

L made it very clear from the moment he regained lucidity that he wanted to go home. But the doctors insisted on keeping him here anywhere from a few days to weeks to make sure he actually recovered.

Now, he was sulking. He had to wear one of those stupid drafty hospital gowns, the food sucked, and once he had regained awareness, the nurse was almost always in there checking him over. Couldn't she leave him alone so Light or someone could smuggle in skittles? Was that too much to ask?

And this oxygen mask was terrible and had been replaced with nose tubes, which he was still debating if those were better or worse. His stitches _itched_ , and it was driving him insane. He knew he couldn't scratch at them—literally, there was so much bandaging on his hand it wasn't funny—but he wanted to so badly, and it was driving him up the wall.

Matsuda came in, and both L and Light looked up from where they had been playing chess. Light was dominating, and L blamed the irritating hospital conditions for lowering his deductive abilities, but Light was also brilliant.

At that moment, the nurse left after checking the IV, and L groaned,

"I hate IVs."

"You lost a lot of fluids," Matsuda pointed out, "And there are also painkillers, so you don't feel the hole in your hand?"

"Well," L crossed his arms grumpily, "If they're so hellbent to put me on the drugs, could they at least give me one that makes my stitches stop itching like mad? It's really getting in the way of logical thought and beating Light in this chess game." He brightened as he looked up at Matsuda, "Did you bring me any forbidden foods?"

Matsuda smirked and fished a small box out of his jacket, "Oh, yes, I did. Just so you know, L, Matt is trying to build a robot to bring you food through the window. Mello's helping, and they're trying to make it fly. Near sees this as a new toy and is helping."

"My desire for food is bringing my successors together. At least that's a silver lining." He opened the little box with delight and beamed at the chocolate strawberry in the box. He hadn't had one of these in months. He held it up and bit the strawberry, "All gone." He put the stem back in the box and tossed it into the trash can. "Thanks, Matsuda. I have no idea how I would survive without you and Light," he turned to Light, "Seriously, how did you put up with this for two weeks? It's been two days, and I'm ready to swan dive out the window."

"Drugs, bullet." Light replied, and while it didn't make much sense to someone without context, L knew that Light was saying he put up with it because the morphine had helped him deal with the pain of having been shot twice. 

L himself had been very concerned when he was given morphine because that was the drug they gave the guy in _Saving Private Ryan_ right before he died. He had made the mistake of, after much delirious debate, saying the pain was at an eight—he had heard the worst pain a human could endure was having the femur bone cracked in half. He didn't know if that was true but figured that if it was, they would have exclusive rights to ten. At the point he had been asked to rate his pain, he had felt like he was burning alive, and the second option was a nine, but no, childbirth, he couldn't compete with that. Then his delirium had led him to think, "you know what must be hell? Giving birth with your femur bone cracked in half." So he'd settled with eight.

In hindsight, he wondered why he had been worried, since it was _his_ pain, not comparing it to others. But right now, he knew his temperature had regulated to a normal fever and not fatal, so maybe it was the morphine relieving the pain, but he would take pretty much anything except that burning feeling if it meant the itching would _stop_.

Matsuda stayed, and they chatted for a bit, with Light making the occasional verbal contribution, but mostly using notes, because L wasn't mentally at his best right now and translating was harder.

But L noticed Matsuda was staring at the notes a little longer than he would usually be, almost as though he had figured something out and didn't know what to do. For a moment, L wondered if Matsuda had somehow learned Light's secret, but there was no way he could have... or was there?

"Matsuda, you seem concerned," L said, "What is it?"

"Oh, uh, nothing." Matsuda looked at Light, "I just saw something last night and don't know what to make of it." 

"What?" Light asked, and there was worry in his tone. Matsuda sucked in a breath and pulled a little piece of familiar paper out of his jacket, then handed that and the paper with Light's message to Light, who blanched. Then he relaxed, showing it to L.

L was ready to scream. The handwriting was identical. While, in hindsight, he was glad he hadn't noticed back when he was still hellbent on pinning Light as Kira, he did wonder _how_ he hadn't noticed this. Of course, he had learned over these months that Matsuda was much more observant than he was given credit for, so it made sense he would be the first to notice.

Light looked away, merely nodding at Matsuda and confirming it was true, "Please don't tell." He whispered. L turned to Matsuda,

"I only found out when Beyond directly told me while I was kidnapped. But... I don't really care."

"So that's what got Light starting to speak again," Matsuda smiled, "Don't worry, Light, I won't tell. I can tell you were trying to do a good thing, and things got out of hand. I won't ask too many questions, but I was curious and wondering if I was insane. And I already burned all the pages in the notebook with your handwriting so nobody would not—" he gasped when Light lunged and hugged him. L smiled, knowing that having another person know his secret and not judge him must be a dream come true.

Light's phone rang, and Light picked up, "Yeah?" This was the first time in a long while that Light was able to do phone calls, but right now, one to three words were what he could say at a time, so it was difficult. But he was getting there. But whoever was on the other side of the phone seemed to know that, and Light grinned, "Yeah, seven?" He nodded, "Bye," and hung up.

"Who was that?" L asked,

"Misa. Date."

"Nice!" Matsuda high-fived him, "Have you two actually gone on any real dates?" Light shrugged, holding up three fingers. "Oh, wow, need any help?" Light nodded a little bit, and L pouted.

Yes, Light hadn't left this hospital room for days, staying with him, but he was still a little jealous of him going out with Misa. But Light deserved to be happy, and L could always find some other way to amuse himself since he knew his successors planned to visit soon.

He put on a smile, knowing he needed to let Light have fun, "Go have fun, Light. Tell me how things go." Light gave him a thumbs up, then walked out with Matsuda, both seeming closer than they had been before.


	45. Chapter 45

"Alright!" Mello announced excitedly, "Candy robot, attempt eight. Near, go!" Near watched eagerly since he had the most experience with drone toys, which they had been initially before it was dissected and replaced with better parts and programming. Now all they had to do was use a laser pointer, and the robot would fly there.

Soichiro watched this and was imagining Light's childhood and how he would have loved to do this and have kids his age and intellect to play with. These three were lucky in that sense, always having each other to understand them.

After the robot took flight and was able to move at reasonable speeds, Near brought it down, and Matt attached the basket to it, "Remember, we only need to have it go as high as the second floor." Near nodded and tested to see if the machine could hold the weight of an empty basket. When it could, they slowly worked their way up to a basket full of treats. Mello and Matt high-fived, glad they had managed to improve the toy into something strong and able to use.

The three kids ran to the hospital, and Matt acted as a distraction for the receptionist by checking in to visit L, while Near and Mello noticed the window someone—probably Matsuda—had marked with the small red flag.

Matt appeared at that window, waving and gesturing that this was the correct room. Near steered the robot into Matt's waiting arms, and Matt took the basket, gesturing for them to come on in.

Mello and Near turned to each other, high-fiving and running into the building. They weren't friends, but neither did Mello detest the idea of working with him. When they weren't rivals—it was no secret Light was going to be the successor and they both knew that—and Near wasn't first place, it was easier for Mello to give him a chance. 

They got to the room, and L was gleefully eating the food, "You kids should work together more often," he said after eating a handful of skittles. There was a whole meal on a tray in front of him of Omuraisu, macaroni salad, chicken soup, squid rings, fruit, and green tea. It was partially eaten, but L wasn't a huge fan of squid, so Matt was eating that.

"Only one of us is going to be the successor," Mello pointed out, "What's the point of working together? But let's be honest, Light's your successor, right?"

L stared at him, "Normally, I would answer that question without hesitation, but the way you asked makes me worry you're going to off me as soon as you get that answer. You're already planning for what happens after I die. I know I'm in the hospital, but there is nothing you can unplug that would do me in. So now I'm going to leave you unsure until I do croak, and you never know with my jumpy lifespan when that's going to be—for all we know, I'm immortal and am going to outlive you all."

The kids chuckled, then Near narrowed his eyes, "But seriously, how does the jumpy lifespan work? Will the jumping numbers slowly get lower, or are you going to live forever?"

"I don't know," L replied, "But if I could also get some slow aging added into the mix if I'm going to live for an obscene amount of time, because I don't want to be old and on life support for thirty years or some shit." He softened, becoming serious, "But... kids, I need to talk to you about something." They all sat on the bed with him, listening intently, "I never wanted children to be my successors, groomed for the position." All three of them—even Matt, who wasn't an official successor—were shocked by this.

"What?!" Mello asked, "Then what was the point of—"

"Miheal, I told you," all of them were shocked at the use of Mello's real name, something Matt and Near hadn't known before. L sighed, "You can trust each other with your real names. But, Mail, Nate, do you know why Beyond went mad?"

"His eyes?" Near asked, "Something is unusual about his eyes."

"Yes..." L sighed, "But it was actually not that to drive him off the deep end. The final straw was a friend of ours, Kai, better known as A. He and Ryusei was my successors together in Gen 1."

"Kai committed suicide," Mello said, "And Ryusei went insane, looking for revenge against you." L nodded,

"That's right, but after that, I didn't want any more successors from children. Don't get me wrong, I am impressed by the skills of you all, but Nate and Miheal, you have both been taught that my position is what you want, am I correct?" Both boys nodded and looked at each other. "And Nate especially seems to have been groomed for his quirks to be like mine. In trying to take my position, you are losing your sense of self. But my job was specifically designed for a way I like it and matches my personality. Nate, I know that eventually, you would become stir crazy and depressed and lonely if you were all alone with my job. Miheal, you like to be out on the field, so you too would be stir crazy. Do I even need to explain why Mail wouldn't be happy?"

"B-But, what are we supposed to do?" Miheal asked frantically, "Are you saying the thing we've trained for—"

"I'm not saying you can't become detectives in your own right, but I know that with the way my job is handled, none of you would be happy as _L_. But it's also because I want you all to have normal lives that I am going to be enrolling you in private school—or public school if you wish."

"WHAT?!" All three shrieked. Nate trembled,

"I-I don't know..."

L pulled the three boys close, "I want you all to have normal childhoods—no training for greatness, no mafias, no murder cases, no dying in your late teens or early twenties. Nate, I already know private school will be a better fit for you." 

Miheal was still shaking at this life-changing information, "Where are we going to go? Japan? England?" 

"Now, that part is for you three to decide for yourselves. Even if I am your guardian since I own half of Wammy's House, I am in no position to control where you go to school of the two locations."

"Are you staying here or leaving?" Mail—or they all knew he preferred Matt—asked, and L thought about it, not really knowing. Everyone he loved was here, but he still had a duty to help those other kids at Wammy's House, and England had always felt more at home for him. But... he didn't want to leave Matsuda or Light. 

"I don't know. I'll have to think about it, but if I do decide to move back to England, that won't be for a bit. I know you three don't like the idea of living normal lives, but you'll understand in time."

"We're not like other kids," Near pleaded, "I don't know if I can..."

"Sometimes, all it takes is a little push in the right direction." L assured, "Tell you what, I'll compromise with you. You three can choose whether you want to go to private or public school, and you have to try it out for a month. If that month passes and you hate it and want to stop, I'll pull you out, and we'll think of another option. But you have to put up with a month when the school year starts, deal? In Japan, school starts in April, and it starts in September in England. You have two weeks to decide."

"Normal lives..." Matt thought about it, "Will there be other people who like video games?"

"I assume so. If you want, when I get out of the hospital, I can look for a school where you are more likely to find your people."

Nate looked up, "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes, I am. And if you're worried about getting bullied, something tells me Matsuda's not gonna put up with that shit and will throw hands with anyone who tries to hurt you. If he doesn't, I will." Nate's lip quivered, and L handed him a large gummi bear, which was the size of an actual teddy bear—where the three kids got that? L had no idea and was even more stunned that it stayed in the basket. Nate hugged it and also ate it.

L knew this was going to be a difficult transition, from geniuses in an orphanage, trained to succeed L, to normal brilliant kids with semi-regular lives, but he hoped that in the end, they would be happy and make friends. It was better for their mental states too if they weren't competing for L's title, and hopefully, the trio could become friends.

OoOoO

"So when are you gonna pop the question?"

Misa turned to Ryusei, who she had helped get back to himself. His hair was once again brown, and he looked more like L's cousin than a doppelganger. There was no denying the facial similarities they had, but that could be they had similar racial heritage. She was also helping him heal over his scars—something she had grown used to doing with special creams with Light. Honestly, even though he was in desperate need of mental help, he was a good guy.

"What do you mean?" She asked, assessing his knowing smirk. She had a feeling she knew what he was asking but wasn't positive.

"I mean, when are you going to propose to Light?"

She blushed, "I... We haven't even known each other for a year, and he's only developed feelings for me in the last five months. Besides, I don't think either of us is ready or mature enough for marriage. Even if, yes, I would marry him, I also know that I want to know him as a person, and I want him to be fully, or close enough as he's going to get, recovered." She turned from where she had been staring out the window, "When I first got my Death Note, I would have done anything for him to marry me. But now I know him and know he's not the type to jump in blind. Not to mention lack of control is still a huge trigger for him, so for all I know, me proposing will freak him out."

"It's still fascinating to me," Ryusei crossed his arms, "All of this. And that Rem never taught you how to decode the numbers over someone's head." 

"She said it would be a burden."

"You've got that right. Because of that, I'm not going to teach you." He turned away, and Misa hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder, then she noticed the preference of his left leg, which she found odd. She wanted to ask about it, but he turned with a grin, "Well, we've got to get you ready for a date, right?"

"I don't really plan to go all out. I'm thinking of going to that coffee shop Light used to really like, but he stopped going after faking his death."

"Okay," Beyond crossed his arms, "How did you do it? Faking his and L's deaths. I won't tell, but I'm really curious."

"There's an eraser for the Death Note. I used it after the funeral for Light," she explained, "As for L, it was the combined factors of Rem was dying when she wrote his name while using a watery pen that smeared, he had a pacemaker, and I accidentally stuffed the eraser in my bag, and it hit the page with his name. Light's was part of an intentional plan, and L—"

"Has extreme luck to the point of it being borderline bullshit on his side?"

"Pretty much." Ryusei laughed,

"L doesn't know just how common that is. If I didn't know any better, it's his superpower, same as how he can guess the correct culprit with little to no evidence. Oh, did you hear? L's having the kids live normal lives, and not as his successors." Misa beamed, having taken a liking to those three and wanting them to be happy, and also seeing what the competition for L's title had done to them. She also saw it seemed a huge weight had been lifted off Beyond's chest, hearing nobody would be put under the stress he and Kai went through.

"That's great—Ryu?" She noticed he still looked upset and was staring at the ceiling, clenching his fists and letting his nails dig into his skin, "Ryusei, are you okay?" He turned,

"Oh... it's nothing. Just... memories."

"Revenge related?"

"Yeah. I still want to go to that orphanage and carve Roger up, but L and Light gave me a second chance. I don't want to blow it, but... the idea that other kids..." he shook himself, "It's fine. I'm fine."

"Heads up," she warned, "Don't let Matsuda hear you say that lie, the word 'fine' sets off his depression radar." She took his hand, "Come on, I'm dropping you off at therapy while I go on my date. Text me if you need a ride."

"You know this isn't going to be super helpful since there's an unspoken rule about not bringing up homicidal thoughts, right? And nobody except you is going to understand the issue with the eyes."

"That's why L's agreed to be my tutor since I've applied for a psychology course in university," Misa said, "I want to help Light and everyone else to the best of my abilities, and you can trust me. If anyone can keep dark secrets, it's me. Besides, I've done so much research on psychology in the last few months, I already have the hang of it. For now, you can start with the stuff about Kai and the expectations forced on you. That's a good place to start."

Ryusei gaped, "You got accepted?"

"Yeah, but I'm not entirely sure it wasn't my looks and my model and actress status that got me in. But honestly, I hate being a model and actress, it attracts too many stalkers. One stalker trying to kill me was enough, because it got me my Death Note and allowed me to meet Light, but that experience will still haunt me, and I don't want it to happen again."

"I'm pretty sure the fact you sleep with a guy who came back from the dead will scare any stalkers away at how hardcore that is."

"Yeah, but when Light's ready, we're telling the world that Light had to fake his death since he was on the task force partnered with L, and they had reason to believe Kira knew that, and Light never actually died. That way, he can get back into To-Oh with no problem if he wants, and nobody will consider him a zombie or anything." 

"Smart. Hm... Dr. Amane has a nice ring to it." She giggled,

"You're right. I hope you don't mind kinda being my guinea pig."

"As long as you don't put me in a cage and start treating me like an actual guinea pig, I'll be okay with that." He flashed a grin, and while it was clearly forced in the amount of enthusiasm, it wasn't fake. They parked at the place, and he got out of the car waving to her, and Misa smiled, glad that their lives were one step closer to moving past all the trauma and pain—not forgetting it, but being able to move past it and make their lives better.

She parked and noticed Matsuda had driven Light, who was actually dressed up in a maroon button-down shirt and dark beige pants. She giggled when she saw Light was blushing furiously since Matsuda had braided his hair—Misa only managed to talk him into letting her do that when he had a long shift at work and needed his hair out of the way. 

She gasped when Light handed her a bouquet of roses in red, white, and pink. It had been a shock to everyone how nervous Light got when he was actually in love with someone, and Misa found it adorable—and more than a little smug even if she hid it. She remembered when Light had briefly dated Kiyomi Takada and wasn't nervous like this at all. And she knew this particular trait wasn't trauma-based, having got the confirmation from Light's parents that this was how he always got when he cared about someone.

She accepted the roses and hugged him, what Ryusei said about marriage still rang in her ears. Maybe in a few months she'd ask his thought about marriage in general, but she knew if that was going to happen, it would be in months or years. Besides, the romance they shared also had a platonic aspect to it, and only now were they working on official boyfriend and girlfriend. Baby steps.

And right now, she was more than content with the life she had as she and Light kissed, and Matsuda gave them both an enthusiastic thumbs up.


	46. Chapter 46

Light held Misa's hand nervously, relaxing at the reassuring squeeze she lent him. He was standing just in front of the door to his former home. According to his therapist and to the agreement of L, if he was going to rebuild his trust in his family—since his trust in his father was still fragile, the faith in Sayu was shaken badly, and he still wasn't sure if his mother loved him or his grades—they had to do baby steps. Misa had agreed to come to him when he surprised his family to join for dinner. She was also here to make sure he didn't chicken out at the last second.

"I'm right here, Light." She assured him, "I'm not going anywhere." Hesitantly, Light knocked on the door, and Sachiko was the one to open the door. She froze at the sight of her long-lost son at the door, and her eyes watered as she threw a hand over her mouth,

"L-Light?" Light smiled a little,

"Hi, Mom." He whispered, and Sachiko broke down in tears, hugging him and sobbing as she held him close,

"Oh, my baby, you're okay."

"Mom?" Sayu asked, and both she and Soichiro got up and gasped, brightening, "Light!" They both ran over, and Soichiro lingered behind a bit as Sayu joined in on the hug. "I'm so sorry, Light," Sayu said, "I thought you were better when we met up, I shouldn't have..." she cried, and Light nervously hugged back.

"Do you mind if we join for dinner?" Misa asked, and the other members of the Yagami family gaped at her.

"What kind of question is that?" Sayu asked, "Of course, you can join us!"

They had a pleasant dinner and his family wanting to know the details about his trip to England, which Sayu was very jealous of. Since nothing traumatic happened on that vacation until they reached California, he had no reason to not tell. Honestly, it felt kind of nice being able to talk or write notes about what he had been doing, and no mention of grades or school.

"Light," Sayu looked at him, dead serious, "You need to give me your hair secret. You can't just be naturally better at that too. I thought I would at least have hair over you!" Light chuckled, shrugging because the fact his hair was even so long was because he didn't care enough to get it cut. 

But this was... a normal conversation. Nobody was bringing up the fact he had been gone for months or had gone to his funeral—honestly, it felt kind of weird that nobody was talking about it. He wanted to ask what Sayu had meant by things being a mess, but he didn't want to reopen that wound.

After dinner, out of curiosity, Light went up to his old room.

Oh. Alright then.

His room was almost like a tomb. Everything was untouched from the last time he had been here months ago, except for some unlit candles on the desk. It was almost eerie, everything was exactly how he had left it, the dust proved it. 

"Dad used to sit with a chair at the balcony," Light jumped when he saw Sayu gesture to the chair he hadn't noticed before was on the ledge, "And wait for hours every single day, waiting for you to come home. Nobody touched anything, and Mom tried to clean it up multiple times, but would always break down when she took a singular thing out of the closet." She looked up, "They stopped trying, Light. I'm only telling you this because you've clearly been curious. You were the one who brought hope, and without you, everything changed. I'm not going to tell you too much because you did the right thing, and I don't want you to feel guilty. It's better you come back later when you're ready and not earlier, and we run the risk of..." she looked away, "When they learned you were alive, Mom was doubtful but wanted to give you time to come home by yourself. Dad feared you had the wrong idea after the incident. I asked him about it, and he didn't want to hurt you."

"I know." Light replied, "Now, at least." He looked at the candles and remembered that one thing he had to do to put Kira permanently behind him. He got an idea. 

But he had stayed too long. Baby steps, and it was better to leave while everything was still pleasant. But he did take his old phone off the nightstand.

He hugged his parents goodbye and left with Misa. She beamed, "See, I told you it wouldn't be so bad." She noticed the pensive look on his face, "Light, is something on your mind?"

"There's something I have to do." 

OoOoO

L turned when Matsuda came in, "Hey, L. Firstly, you're being discharged finally. Secondly, has Light been here recently?"

"Yesterday, why?" L asked, looking down at his hand as he got out of bed and forcefully ripped the IV out of his arm. At last, the stitches had come out, and now he was free to go home. He had been here for over a week and was going insane. Never before had he actually been stir crazy, so this was a first. Maybe it was because he was being forced to sit in bed all day. The fever had broken three days ago, but they still insisted on keeping him there. "He stayed for a bit and then left."

"He's been missing all day." L froze, quickly getting dressed and ignoring vertigo. Matsuda held him still, "Yuki," he said the alias because the door was open and the last thing they needed was confusion on that, "Matt is already tracing his phone, calm down. Misa said he said there was something he has to do." 

"Well, excuse me for being worried because I don't want him getting kidnapped again!" He then paused, realizing personal feelings were the reason he needed to take a step back. If Light really was in danger, he would be no help if he was a panicking mess. For all he knew, Light was just at work and wasn't picking up his phone because he was busy. 

They got out of the hospital, and L found himself staring at his scarred and bandaged hand. He knew he needed to do physical therapy for this, and even then, his hand would never be the same, but he wasn't dead and hadn't lost the limb—though he had to admit a robot hand would be excellent, damn, why had he only thought of this now!

Matsuda turned when his cell phone rang, "Yes? Oh, hey, Matt. What is it? You traced the signal? The woods? Why would Light be there? Alright, I'll look down there to make sure he's actually there and not kidnapped." L looked up at the sky. It was getting dark. What was Light doing if he actually was down there?

Thankfully, it was only a ten-minute walk, and L winced a little since his feet were still sensitive, and he had the orthotics on again. But eventually, the pain subsided. He shivered, putting on his maroon scarf. It was getting chilly. 

L turned to Matsuda, walking through the woods, and L remembered that Light had told him about this place while he was in the hospital. This was where he did the notebook swapping with Rem and Ryuk, "I'm going to go ahead. I think I know where Light is. I think I know why Light's out here. Would you mind if I talked to him alone?" Matsuda shrugged,

"I'll be here, shout if you need me." L nodded and walked into the clearing. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but this was beyond what he had been imagining.

Candles. Hundreds, maybe thousands. All were lit, illuminating the clearing. As the candles burned, L realized very quickly what this was.

One candle for every person Light had killed as Kira. This was confirmed when L saw Light sitting in the center of these candles, holding a photo in his hands. L was careful as he walked over to Light. This must have taken hours to set up, so it made sense why he had been out here all day. L looked over Light's shoulder and gasped when he realized the photo was of Naomi Misora and Raye Penber. 

"She dropped this," Light whispered, "After I betrayed her. I kept it." He looked up at L, "I wish I hadn't killed them... Raye didn't think I could be Kira anymore; I saw that in your files. It was an unnecessarily cruel kill, leading to Naomi."

L felt a little shock getting confirmation that Light had been the one to kill Naomi. But he didn't let it show as he sat down, looking a the photo. 

"You set this all up."

"Gone, but not forgotten. Everyone here had friends and families, and I hadn't cared. I remember every kill, every name. I need to do this if I'm going to move on." This was the most Light had spoken in a long time, and L sat down next to him.

"Do you mind if I stay with you? You're not alone, Light."

"It's cold, and you just got out of the hospital for a fever." 

"What part of your relationship with me makes you think I care?" Light chuckled quietly,

"I suppose you're right." L snuggled up with Light and sent Matsuda a message saying he was spending the night in the clearing with Light, and they were both okay. Matsuda was clearly concerned, but L pointed out they were a ten-minute walk from the hospital if that was really needed.

After a while, the candles were melting away, and L began to drift off, but Light stayed awake all night. He looked around once L was actually asleep,

"I don't expect you to forgive me," he said to the candles as though they were all the people whose lives he had cut short, "But I need you to know I'm sorry."

This memorial for those fallen was an essential step in putting Kira permanently in the past, and while Light knew he would never be able to get rid of the guilt completely, maybe now he could live without it in the forefront of his mind at all times.

He smiled down at L, pulling him closer to give the sleeping young man some more warmth, "Thanks, L, for being here."


	47. Chapter 47

Miheal and Matt were nervously looking towards L, both had their backpacks on, ready for their first day of school. L had pulled a few strings, so they were in Sayu's class so they would have a friend in her.

"Go on," L assured them, "Miheal, if you can make a mafia your bitch, school will be a walk in the park." Miheal bit his lip, still not used to having his real name regularly used in favor of the alias he had used for years. Matt and decided to stick with Matt because he was tired of explaining that while his name was spelled Mail, it was pronounced Mile. Since Matt sounded like a real name, L had just legally changed Mail's name to Matt.

"But that's different."

"Remember that there's no need to compete," Light said since he was here, "But trust me, you'll like it once you adjust." Matt, having never really wanted L's title, was okay with the idea of living a normal life,

"Come on, Mel," that was still a nickname Matt used, "We're geniuses, and skipping grades isn't a thing, so this is going to be easy."

Sayu bounded over to them, "Ready, guys?" She had been surprised when Light explained the situation to her but was glad to have some friends her age, and they proved themselves a link, people both she and her brother could get along with. And she liked them well enough.

Miheal nodded to himself, "Yeah, I can do this. Come on, Sayu, let's go." The three teens walked into school, and L looked down at Nate, who was clinging to him. Nate was going to a private school about twenty minutes away, but the way he was trembling would make one think he was walking to his death.

Light held Nate's hand, "Come on, kiddo. Trust me, you're going to be okay." 

In the month since Light honored those he had struck down, he had started talking regularly, able to speak normally. He worked harder, and now the only sign he had suffered was the scars covering his body and the nightmares that still haunted him. But those terrors at night weren't nearly as common anymore. Light had also started going back to To-Oh to be an officer again, but L told him that if he ever wanted to be a detective, there would always be a spot available to work with L.

But because of being in university again, Light was busy, because he also still worked part-time at the izakaya. He liked working there and spending time with his friends, who had worked hard to get him back on his feet when he had first faked his death. Still, the task force always stopped by after work for food and drinks, and Light was their server.

Matsuda had concluded he was going to go wherever L was, so L wouldn't feel alone. And L had decided that while he was visiting Wammy's House regularly, he was going to live in Japan with his friends. He had taken back his title as L, and with the occasional help of Light, Ryusei and Matsuda, could solve cases much faster—and considering Kira was the first case that took longer than a month, that was saying something. But he also changed his methods of getting information, much more humane. Never again would long-term confinement or mock executions be part of how he worked.

As Light drove, Nate was still extremely nervous. L felt terrible that he was the reason the child was panicking so much, but eventually, he would understand. L had done research on this school and was hopeful this would be the right fit for Nate.

Just the night before, Nate had called Light and asked how to make people like him at school. Light hadn't known how to answer, because it had come naturally to him, so he told the truth that he hadn't cared. The less you care, the happier you will be, don't go out of your way to be somebody you're not.

They arrived at the school, and Nate clung desperately to L,

"Please don't make me go." It was still surprising to everyone that these kids had planned to take down Kira and could talk to serial killers and mafia members without flinching, but school, something most kids did as a social norm, was terrifying.

Light bent down, so he met Nate's eyes, "Nate, you don't have to be afraid. If anyone makes fun of you, it's because they're jealous that you're better than them. Always remember that—don't say it aloud—but you know you are better than them. If people want to be assholes, ignore them, and if the problem doesn't go away, you have more than enough protective dad-figures to make sure the problem goes away." He ruffled Nate's hair, "Do you want me to walk in with you?"

"N-No... I-I think I can..." he brushed down his uniform, "I can..." he wiped his tears and walked into the school. L smiled a little, but it was strained.

"Shall we head to class?" L still attended college with Light during his spare time, enjoying getting new degrees. And on Mondays, when Light had shorter work hours, they played a game of tennis and stopped at the coffee shop for a while.

Their friendship had had a bumpy start—what being former mortal enemies and all—but now they both understood each other and had grown as people enough that they had a true friendship.

They sat together in class, neither really paying attention since they knew the majority of this. Still, they would occasionally send each other looks or converse in subtle morse code if things got too tedious.

After school, they parted ways, and waved to each other, "See you tomorrow!" Light called, "And tell me how the boys liked school," and he walked to work, changing into his uniform when he got there. 

"Hey, Light!" Nikkei called, "Perfect timing, we just got a call some people want to host a party tonight. We need a little help setting up."

Light grinned, "Just tell me what needs to be done."

...

L got back to the apartment and dropped off his backpack, looking over a case. Hm... interesting. Then he saw that the contents of this case would have Ryusei's former serial killer status come in handy. L grabbed some lunch and made sure to grab a jar of jam before walking upstairs since Ryusei had bought an apartment just above him. Since L was back to being the famous superdetective, Ryusei was using the Yuki Maeda alias as a private detective so he could have a steady income.

When L knocked on the door, he was surprised Misa answered the door, "Oh! Hey L, what's up?"

"I'm working on a case and was wondering if Ryusei wanted to help me out." Misa opened the door, and Ryusei waved from where he was on the couch, 

"What do you need?" Ryusei asked, and L sat down,

"As of now, it's a kidnapping, but the victim has been missing for three days. This is the tenth one to vanish this way. But here's the thing, it's counting. The first victim was found dead after a day, the second one after two days, and so on. That means I have a week to find this girl before she's murdered." He decided to not bring up that the corpses were horribly mutilated, not wanting to trigger that memory in Ryusei of what he used to do to bodies.

"Well, I was in it for the game," Ryusei crossed his arms, "And it seems this killer is seeing how far they can go before someone catches on. Hold on, can I see the laptop? I have an idea." L handed him the computer and ate some ramen, "Hey, Misa, how's school going?" Misa had the day off today, he supposed, because he had thought she would be in school. She didn't go to To-Oh like himself and Light, rather Temple University. 

Misa sat down, "It's going fine, except I'm having a little trouble with understanding the history unit we're on right now, on how it came to be and such."

"Want some help? I am your unofficial tutor, so you can ask anything." 

They worked for hours until there was a knock on the door, and L opened it to find Miheal, Matt, and Nate all just came home from school.

"So... how was school?" He asked eagerly, and both Miheal and Matt seemed extremely happy.

"School was awesome!" Miheal ran to the fridge and grabbed a chocolate bar, "The sports are actually fun!" 

"I found a video gaming club!" Matt was grinning ear-to-ear, "The homework was easy too." L beamed, glad at least two of them had had fun. He turned to Nate,

"Nate? How was your day?"

"It was okay, I guess." Nate said meekly, "People were nice to the new kid." 

"I'm glad." He checked the time, "Crap. Physical therapy." On Wednesdays, he had physical therapy for his hand. He ran out the door and hopped in the car. "Call me with any updates on the case!" 

Once he got in the car, after finally learning to drive, he chuckled a little.

Their lives were undoubtfully still chaotic, but this time it was in a good way, and he wouldn't have it any other way.


	48. Four Years Later

Tonight was a big night, for tomorrow, Light and Misa were going to start their new jobs as an NPA officer and the department's psychologist.

In the last four years, everything had been as chaotic as usual, but nobody had died, and no new trauma had befallen them. Light was speaking as anyone else would and had gotten a haircut. The only time the muteness appeared was when he was in extremely stressful situations, which had only happened a couple times and usually associated with finals or that one time they'd had a scare, thinking Sayu had learned the Kira secret. She hadn't, but Light hadn't spoken for days after that. It seemed that quirk was going to be something that stuck with him for the rest of his life.

Miheal and Matt had graduated from high school and even started dating. Nate was a senior in high school and was still quiet, so Light had taken the white-haired boy under his wing and acted as a sort of mentor to help cope with anxiety, and showed him a little trick Misa had taught him.

Light brushed down his jeans and walked over to Nate, "Have you been writing those letters to yourself? Dear Nate River, this is going to be a good day, and here's why..."

"I started one. I'm surprised the notes actually work." Nate replied, finishing his homework. "Misa asked if we could all go to dinner, did you hear?"

"Yeah. Matsuda's been really excited, and I'm pretty sure he's hiding something from me. Actually, even L's been acting weirder than usual these last couple days. Nate, do you know why?"

Nate turned, "Nope." 

Light shrugged, looking around the apartment and gesturing for Nate to pack up so they could get going. 

While dinner was happening, everyone made cheerful conversation and had fun, but Light couldn't shake the feeling they all knew something he didn't. Matsuda kept exchanging looks with L and smirking. Light tried to ask his parents or Sayu, who was also here—another reason he had a feeling something big was going to happen, the _entire_ group was here. Getting a reservation for this many people had to have been hell.

Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore and stood up, "Alright, am I going insane, or is there something going on that I'm not aware of, and you all have no chill?"

L looked up at him with a deadpan expression, "Which one do you think it is, Light?" 

Misa blushed, "Actually, Light, there is something you don't know." He turned toward her and gasped as she got down on one knee, pulling out a ring, "I brought you here to ask you if you... will you marry me?"

Light had his hands over his mouth, shocked. And everything made sense. He fought back the tears in his eyes as his body thankfully had his back when his brain was short-circuiting, "Yes. Yes, I will marry you." Misa jumped up, and the two kissed, and everyone in the whole restaurant started cheering. It wasn't every day you saw the girl proposing to the guy. Misa slipped the ring on his finger, and Light already knew Matsuda was taking tons of photos.

"So when's the wedding?" Ryuk asked, and Light turned,

"I got engaged not even a minute ago, and you're already asking that?!" Thankfully, Ryuk was standing right behind L, so onlookers wouldn't think he's insane.

"Well, yeah, what did you expect from me? I've never been to a wedding, it sounds interesting. But I recommend something before November."

"Why before November?" Soichiro asked, and Ryuk laughed in response, making everyone uncomfortable. Beyond shrugged, 

"Apple season is roughly August to November. He probably wants the good stuff at the wedding." That made everyone relax, and nobody noticed the hybrid and the Shinigami exchange looks.

OoOoO

Since Misa detested the extra attention and didn't want it all over the news that she was getting married, and Light wasn't one for lots of people around, the wedding was to be a quiet service in August with only their close friends and family attending. It was to the surprise of nobody that L was the best man, but it was shocking to everyone that Ryuk was the minister. Even Light had been surprised but supposed that having a God of Death as their minister really just described their lives. 

Light waited at the alter, a ball of nerves. Today was the most important day of his life, the day he was going to marry the woman he loved—and if pre-trauma Light Yagami had heard from his future self that he would be marrying Misa Amane for genuine love, he'd die of an aneurysm. What if something went wrong? What if he stuttered or said the wrong thing and ruined everything? All the worst-case scenarios were flying through his head.

L put a hand on Light's shoulder, "I've got your back. Remember that breathing is a necessity."

"Thanks, L."

Bells started playing, and Light swore his heart stopped beating when he laid eyes on Misa, whose face was hidden behind a semi-transparent veil, pink and white flowers in her hair, complimenting her flowing white gown. She was clinging to Beyond's arm, clearly nervous, then waved a little at Light.

When Misa got to the alter, Light removed the veil, revealing a radiant smile.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and serial killers and detectives," Ryuk said, "We are gathered here today to witness the union of two souls in—I'm already bored. Anyone who sees any reason for these two to not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace." He didn't even wait for a second, "Alright! Let's make this quick. No vows required." He turned to Misa, "Do you?"

Misa nodded, and her brown eyes met his. She had wanted to put in her blue contacts, but Light had admitted he liked her natural color better. "Yes, with all my heart." 

Ryuk turned to Light, "Do you?"

"Ryuk, do you honestly have to ask that? I do." 

Ryuk grabbed an apple, "Good, you're married, now kiss, and get me apples!" He flew off, and everything was a blur for Light after that, with people congratulating him or admiring Misa.

Finally, the slow dance came, and Light held out his hand to his bride,

"May I have this dance?" Misa grinned, taking his hand. And so, they started the dance as soft music played. 

"You look lovely." He whispered, and Misa blushed, her head gently pressed against Light's chest,

"Thanks." She sighed blissfully, "I can't believe we're here right now." Light held her tighter because she was right. Not only was this wedding a show of love, but it also was proof that they survived—no, not just survived, _lived._ They had been by each other's back through thick and thin. Now, they had the rest of their lives ahead of them.

And at that moment, everything was perfect.

Things would change eventually, because nothing stays perfect, but if the group had each other now, and no matter what tragedies faced them, they would be able to make sure none of the fell.


End file.
